I Hate It.

I keep busy at the League. I am the "Editor in Chief" if you will, of our newsletter and that thing is a lot of work. Finding articles, scheduling interviews, and securing good pictures for the monthly newsletter, plus keeping up with my other administrative tasks is sometimes more of a struggle than I anticipated. (note the cluttered desk)

When I send out the newsletter, its sent to everyone on our email list. Somehow it almost never fails that someone hits "reply all" with a comment they intend to send to me regarding the newsletter. Generally the comments are positive, which of course I like and appreciate. This past newsletter, the one for February, included some blurb about Black History Month. This guy responds back with a 3 or 4 paragraph tirade about how too often Black History Month only focuses on Blacks' history over the last 400 years, but doesn't tend to focus on African History. Okay, that's fine, and it's also true for the most part. But the tone of his email was so condescending and harsh. On top of that, I was kind of baffled as to what his point was. Did he intend for me to know that Black history is more than the history of Blacks in America? I do know that. Did he expect me to change the article after it had been sent out? It was like, "why are you telling me this?" Oh, and of course he "replied to all" and sent his diatribe to EVERYONE who received the newsletter. Thanks.

So, the director "replies to all" inviting him to do an article for our next newsletter (since he has so much to say). I get the article and I hate it. It's more of the same of what everyone has already read from him, but in a condensed form. He even calls Black History Month "African History Month." I've never heard of this African History Month, but its clear to see that he wants it to be just that. I show Dr. S. the article and she thinks its lovely. I hate it. It's not positive, encouraging, or even enlightening. I don't want it in the newsletter.

The director finished her article too. I politely reminded her several times not to make it too long. It's a newsletter, and we only have a limited amount of space. We dont' need a dissertation, just a small article. Please. The article, is of course, too long again, so I'll have to cut some of it out. I don't mind editing, but I feel a little bad because I'm sure that every word in there is a word or a thought that she wanted to include. What to take out? What to leave in? I hate that.

But alas, I must get back to work so I can get this blasted newsletter out today and start on next month's.

What the Hell Man??

I keep having these pregnant dreams. I had one a few nights ago and last night seemed to be a continuation. The dream was eerie in that there were no strange, "what are you doing in my dream", unexpected characters, and everything was pretty realistic. There wasn't much dialouge, but mostly a lot of thoughts.

I dreamt that I was pregnant, only I didn't know I was pregnant. I started going into labor at home by myself. I didn't have time to call anybody because the baby started coming so quickly. Plus, I couldn't find my phone. Even though I didn't know I was pregnant beforehand, I definately knew that this was a baby about to be born, and I treated it all very matter-of-factly.

There was no, "Where did this baby come from?" I just knew I was having a baby. I delivered it myself and wrapped it up. I looked into her face, she was dark and beautiful. Then, I didn't know if I should feed it right then, or if I should wait, or how long I should wait. I was thinking that the baby is probably hungry. . .right? Should I stick my boob into its mouth?

I set the wrapped up budle of joy (?) on the kitchen counter as I looked for my cell phone. I didn't want to hold her, because I thought I could find it faster if I had both hands. Who should I call first? Don't I need to go to the hospital or something? I should call my mother, she'll be so surprised to have a granddaughter. Or maybe I should call Therese, she just had a baby a couple of months ago. She'll know what to do too. Yes, I'll call Mama and Therese. Gawd, where is my cell phone? Maybe I should go next door and ask my uncle to use his phone. What if he's not home? Should I take the baby out in the cold or leave her here? Never needed a house phone until now. . .

I picked the baby up again, held her in my arms and just looked at her. "Hello baby" I said. Then I realized that my baby had no name. Oh shoot, I have to name you. What's that girls name I had in mind before? Do I have to name you right now, or can I wait? Maybe Tura can help me come up with some ideas. It has to be something good, I mean, a name follows you forever. I don't want my baby to hate her name.

The father should help me name her. The father!? Ohhhh yeah, this baby must have a father. It must be Adrien. Maybe I should call him first, I mean, he is the father. I wonder what he will think. Wait, what month did I get pregnant?? This is February so. . . .May? I wonder if it was before or after graduation. Have I drank since then? We have a daughter now, what a trip. This will tie us together forever.

The dream ended with me thinking that I should have saved a little more money from my last check. A baby needs stuff.

You Love it, Don't You?


This morning I come into the office with everything that I need to accomplish in my head. I need to type up notes from the interview I did on Wednesday. I need to work on a few articles for the newsletter (which should be at least HALFWAY done at this point, but is SO not), and do some stuff with my student files. I'm ready. Today is Friday and I plan to get everything on my mental "To-Do List" done.

I walk in the office and Dr.S is already in there. We greet, and I sit down at my desk, ready to tackle my tasks. As always, there's about 15 pages of miscellaneous documents on my desk that have no owner or home. Somehow papers ALWAYS float to my desk! I don't know where they come from, who they belong to, or what their purpose is. All I can do is sigh. I tack "organize misc. documents" onto my mental To-Do list.

Dr. S calls my name. She says, "I want you to look at these documents." As she holds a stack of papers that are marked up and post-it-noted and loosely stacked.

She brings them over to my desk with a, "This page needs this, we need to add this, take out this, and change this." There's about 30 pages total, and none of these directions are written down. Inside I'm thinking, "Okay. You're kidding me right? You DO know I have other stuff to do right?" but I just nod and "mm-hm."

"I've also sent you the attachments that should be inserted. Change this on the one that says this, and put that one between page this and that." I get the email with about 17 attachments. This is just crazy.

But strangely, I love it. Back to work!

2007 Comes to an End. . . Finally!!
Although I don't blog much anymore, I still feel compelled to do my end-of-year review. 2007 was a doosy, let me tell ya. I thought I was going to die! I had lots of ups and downs, but I made it through only by the grace of God. Here's a little recap of events.
-Completed my first (real) sociological research and presented it at a research symposium. (only black person presenting)
-Took the worst Spanish class of my whole life
-Watched my mother battle cancer
-Grandmother's boyfriend passed away
-Graduated from ISU with my Bachelor's degree in May
-Uncle came for graduation, decided to stay here instead of going home
-Met a boy who became my first real boyfriend
-Fell in love with that boy and got engaged
-Got my first apartment with a roomate
-Learned how to be willingly domestic in just one summer
-Learned French and Lingala and ate lots of fufu
-Watched three friends become mothers
-Attended several weddings
-Started planning a wedding
-Turned 22 (uneventfullly)
-Celebrated a year with "The Farm"
-Broke up with fiancee
-Got a job in my field of study
-Little sister started learning to drive
-Started teaching Spanish classes as volunteer work
-Father released from prison and came to town
-Little sister got her first job
-Mother remarried and didn't tell me
-Fought with roomate
-Got my first apartment by myself
So, thankfully my tumultous year ended on a positive note with my new apartment which is beautiful and just right for me. The year closes with me decorating the new place and appreciating the freedom that I posess. I know that the challenges I endured were put in my life for a reason, and in retrospect I can definitely say that they made me stronger. I am optimistic about what 2008 will bring. I hope that it will be a year in which I will be able to be introspective, and draw creativity from what I find inside. I look forward to learning and being able to share my knowledge with others. As for graduate school, that may or may not happen in '08, we'll see.

Je t'aime

The words come from his lips so easily, so readily. Je t'aime. They fall like rose petals on my ears and my heart and I know that they are sincere. I know that he is sincere, and I want to say je t'aime too. But I can't.

Je t'aime

The words don't go any farther than the confines of my mind. I can't say it because I don't know exactly what it means. Yes, I know the translation, but what is it saying? Is it just that I care about you and that I want the best for you? Is it that I'm so grateful to have you in my life? Is it that I appreciate everything you do for me? All of that is true.

Or is it saying something more? Is it locking me into a contract? Does it hold me accountable for certain behavior? What are the expectations of one who makes this proclamation, "Je t'aime?" Does it mean that I will never do you wrong? Does it mean that I will be everything that you want me to be? Does it mean that I should always be willing? Is it a promise?

I don't make promises. I don't know how much of myself I can offer. Could je t'aime just be a vow to do your best? What if I only give 40%, but 50% is my best? Am I lying?

Je sais que je t'aime, mon ange. I just can't tell you.

Mother To-Be


They tell me that eating too much fufu makes you fat. I don't know if it's the fufu or the soup, but apparently you will blow up if you eat it all the time.

And it seems that they already think I'm fat. Alex told A, "Your girlfriend is veeeery very beautiful, but, is big." Alex went on to tell him that my size is okay for now, but if I get bigger, sex isn't going to be enjoyable. . .etc. *nod* okay.

So, if eating too much fufu makes you fat, and you already think I'm fat, why do you keep offering me fufu ALL THE TIME?! Everytime we go over someone's house and they've cooked, it always seems to have been fufu. And they always offer me some. I don't wanna decline, because that may be misinterpreted as rudeness. I don't see them offering it to him everytime (although they might be doing so in Lingala or something), so maybe as I become more and more familiar to them, they might lay off. I like some fufu, I really do, but they best not say NOTHIN when I come waddlin up in their houses big as a house!

But I think I am putting on weight, and I don't know if it's becuase I'm looking at my body more (cuz they think I'm fat) or becuase of the FUFU!!! DANG. He likes my body though, and so do I, so it's not too much of a problem.

He bought my mother a card today. I don't even think he read the thing, just picked one that said "mom" and looked nice. And it did look nice, all swirly and flowers and stuff. On the top it said, "Happy Mother's Day Mother To-Be." My first instinct was to buss da fugg up!!!! I just wanted to laugh but you know these men have egoes.

"Aw, A, this is nice. But. . . no. It says, mother-to-be. Thats for a pregnant woman." We have to have these kind of English break-downs all the time. I've had to explain things like, "this sucks" and "silly". (btw, silly translates to 'idiot' in french. Not easy to explain the difference).

Wifey

Let me preface this by saying that it makes me feel strange to write about men so much. I have other issues in life. . . but I do like boys!

I'm too young to be thinking about marriage. I'm only 21. He's too old not to be thinking about marriage. He's 24.

All of his friends/acquaintances from his country are married by now, or at least have a fiancee. He doesn't even have a girlfriend, and I know that's presenting problems for him. Even his mother is pressuring him, asking why he has no fiancee yet. She offered to find him one back home, but he doesn't want a Congolese woman. He wants to find his own wife.

He likes me. To tell the truth, I think he's growing on me in some type of way. He just treats me SO well, and that alone is enough to hold my attention. He treats me like the queen I perceive myself to be. I know that in a relationship, he could probably be the bomb boyfriend. At least attention-wise (and I like that). I had even gotten to the point of considering this relationship thing, and we all know, Eliz does NOT get involved. I don't like emotional attachment. But I was considering it.

I realized though, that he needs a relationship that's going to turn into something more. It's a little funny in a non-laughter way that I had always percieved myself as only being in relationships like that. One that would go somewhere, not just being in one just to do it.

I hate that he's so many things I thought/knew/know that I want(ed), but I'm still not quite feeling it. And that even if I was, we just have two very different goals for a relationship. I hate that I'm thinking about relationships.

We had a LONG talk last night, on the phone for almost 2 hours. Caking. Dayum. I told him how I have problems with the L word. I just can't say it. He told me that knew. I guess he caught the hint after the first few times of saying it, and me not reciprocating lol. I told him how I have problems with emotional attachment, he told me how he imagines that I am his girlfriend when we are together, but has to bring himself back to reality.

*sigh* I know this is going to be difficult.

Sunday Morning

Shortly after I woke up this morning, I got a call. He's always calling, and I have to admit that I'm often guilty of ignoring the ring. Sometimes talking to him is too much of a chore. I mean, how can a person who doesn't even speak that much English talk so dang much? I called him back though. I haven't really spoken to him too much lately.

I didn't expect him to invite me to church. An hour before it began. I quickly beautified myself (and yes, I did a good job), packed my clothes for work afterward and hobbled to the elevator in my stiletto sandals. Between the engagement party on Friday (silver strappy sandals), going out on Saturday (red Miss Sixty boots) and church today, my feet have taken such a beating this weekend! But I digress. . .

We went, and although I only speak a few words of French, and absolutely NO Lingala, I had such a good time! The music was good, people were dancing and making noise. . .now, I've had some good church, but this felt like a straight up party! I know Congolese people love to dance, and MAYN they were gettin it! It was funny cuz one of the guys I had definitely seen the night before at the club, doin that same dance!

I was glad I went to church with him. I like him because he's sweet, and I know he's capable of giving me the attention that I desire. I'm sure he'd probably do almost anything he could for me out of love, which is also what I want. I could break his heart though. Like his friend, P who I'd met waay before I met him. P had this vibe from the start that immediately caught my attention. Something that made me bite my bottom lip! But P was a friend of a different guy I was talking to. Was. But dang it if P isn't his friend too! Ok, yeah, P has a girlfriend (don't they all?) which makes him off limit anyway, but BAAABYYYY, if he didn't. . . He was interpreting some of the service for me today, sitting next to me, leaning in. I love a man who can give me information *wooh*. But I know what it would do to him for anything to ever happen between P and I. It would kill the man. But I digress. . .

The message was good too. The preacher spoke about God's favoritism. I was actually. . .inspired. I was inspired by the music, and the congregation's connection with their God. I was inspired by how the music and the praises to God made them so happy, you would think that they had no cares. Just singing and dancing and rejoicing and laughing. . .

I found myself unable to be as analytical as I am when I go to my own church, sitting quietly in the back watching everyone else. It just felt good being there, but I hate the idea of using God and religion as a mere high. Then I got to thinking. Maybe he, with all the weirdness that surrounds him, is my angel of some sort. Maybe he will be my connection back to God.

Maybe.

He Was Honest

He was honest with me. I asked him, and he was honest. In fact, I think I can say that in instances where I have asked him about anything, he has been honest.

But actions speak louder than words.

His actions told me that he was single and that he was attracted to me. Or at least that he was single and wanted some. His words said that he was attracted, so I wonder if that was truth also.

What does attraction really account for anyway?

I didn't trust him in that capacity. I don't think I ever did, because he had a reputation. But don't ask, don't tell right? Under the pretense that he was single, I was upset when I saw the pictures. I was UPSET. I thought to myself, how could he? How can he say he's single and talk all this sweetness to me when he's GOT a girl? How could he disrespect his relationship like that? I began to have flashbacks of all the instances in which I felt disrespected by his actions, things I knew he didn't do to spite me. Things he didn't even know I was upset about. Flashbacks of all the disagreements and misunderstandings, and this was to be the last straw. I was becoming increasingly angry, after all, I am his FRIEND. I know the kid. I knew I needed to talk to him.

So I asked him.

"What. . . is your relationship status?" "Well. . ." he said, "technically I'm in a relationship, but it's kinda not a real relationship." He said that it was somewhat like a friendship with benefits, but not that-because it was more. They hit a rough patch for a while and now they are. . .well, I don't really know what they are but he is not exactly single.

I told him that if he is in a relationship, be it 100% of a relationship or 10%, that he should not be trying to ''holla'' at other people. He should not be trying to holla at me. I told him that it was not appropriate. He said that he would not holla at me anymore. There was no attitude, he was neither indignant nor ig'nant. He just calmly said, "Ok" and that he wouldn't do it anymore.

I asked him, and he told me, just straight up. I couldn't be nearly as upset (although the anger had died down by this point anyhow). I didn't raise my voice. I can't justify his actions, and I certainly wouldn't try to.

We continued our conversation, me complaining about school, him encouraging me and not letting me make excuses for myself. He'll holla at me later. "You know, not holla, but I am gon' holla at you later." That's alright with me.

Aw Hell

Right now I am ANGRY and I feel like my life sucks. I hardly got any sleep last night, and somehow I spent all night trying to force myself to do an assignment which I magically completed just before 8am. Funny how it only took me an hour to do it.

I am ANGRY because I can't make myself do my homework when I want to do it.

I had to make sure I got it done in time to move my car. The spot I parked in last night is only 1 hour parking from 8a.m. till 6p.m., which means that I had to move it by 9 at the latest. But I have class at 8:30. So I go to move my car. I go to move my car. I go to move my car and my car will not move. I go out in the COLD after gettting no sleep to move my car and it will not move. I called my mother, she called our mechanic. He says to have the car TOWED in to see if they can get it started. To see if they can get it started. But I don't have to work until Wednesday, so thats when I really need the car to be started. So what if they get it started today, but come Wednesday I'm out of luck? I will have wasted money, energy, and time.

I am ANGRY because all I wanted to do is move my car to another parking spot but now I have to get it towed, which might not even be a solution.

My mother offered to help me pay for the tow. Towing is ridiculously priced, and I'm thinking that I'd like to own a towing company one day, cuz the profits must be MAD crazy. But I have money, and I know she hasn't had a lot of work to do at the job lately, so her paychecks have been muy pequeno. In fact, her last check was less than mine. And I had taken days off. Her check was a third of what it usually is. I was upset that she offered to pay for it.

I am ANGRY that my mother busts her butt and still does not make enough money.

I thought about how Symone told me that they needed laundry detergent. I went to the store last night after work and picked up a few things for myself. I got some detergent for them too, and found some smoked almonds for my mother. She loves smoked almonds. I dropped them off at the house, and she called me saying, "What did you do that for?" I know that she was grateful. I'm trying to do this whole 'family' thing, cuz I know family is supposed to help take care of each other, and I like doing that. I like being able to do what I can to help out. I know that my mother also takes joy in being able to do things for me, even if its just giving me some food when I come home. I know she was trying to help me by offering to help pay for the tow. That made me feel a different feeling that I don't have a word for. Some kind of heart feeling.

I am ANGRY because that is the emotion I default to when I don't know what to call the emotion I'm feeling. Language is so interesting.

I am scared of grad school. I am scared of applying to grad school. I am scared of the capabilities/incapabilities of my potential. My room is not clean. My room stinks. I am complaining about the smallest things that don't matter in life.

That makes me ANGRY.

I just have to make it through the day.

Parents Just Don't Understand


Perhaps DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince said it best when they claimed that, "Parents just don't understand."

I also hold strongly to my mother's old school statements of, "Don't talk about it, be about it" and, "Talk is cheap."

And now it seems that in my attempts to "be about it", my mother simply does not understand. She does not understand my heart for activisim and struggling for positive change.

She thinks it's great when I go to leadership conferences that teach me how to be a more effective leader in my community and campus. In fact, she sitting on the couch together and listening to my recounts of workshops on self improvement, career builiding and being a role model. Oh, and she loves hearing about those inspirational speakers.

She was also proud of 'her baby' when I went on the Civil Rights Movement Trip to Memphis. I told her how we not only dealt with the Civil Rights Movement of the 50's and 60's, but also with women's rights, gay rights, disability rights, and human rights. How we went to the National Civil Rights Movement Museum and I saw accounts of individuals who fought for the very same freedoms that I take for granted on a daily basis. I thought of slaves who taught themselves how to read, defying their master's rules, and who shared their knowledge with those who were willing to learn. I thought of Booker T. Washington and WEB DuBois and their efforts to improve the 'race problem' with education and hard work. I read stories of innocent victims and those who were victims for the cause. When I walked into a segregated bus simulation and sat down, I wondered what it would have been like to hear, "Get out of that seat nigger" from some White man with authority screaming at me. I wondered if I would have stayed in my seat, or if I would have sat there in the first place. I wondered if I would have just eaten lunch in 'my place', or if I would have challenged that structure and risked insults, injury, and my clean criminal record.

She loved that I was inspired. She also enjoys having debates about issues concerning race, global issues, capitalism, and immigration issues, although we almost always disagree.

But she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand that something can be done about the problems presented by the world we live in, which shocks me considering that she was born in the 60's. She knows all the stories. She can vote now and uses the same water fountains as white people do. She knows that it wasn't always that way.

But she says that no change really happened. "All that protesting," she says, "what good does it do? How do you know if you'll actually make a change?" She insists that no significant change has been made since racism still exists and Whites still have privilege. People are still arrested, killed, denied jobs, etc. due to racial reasons.

Apparently all of that Civil Rights hoopla was for nothing, but I just cannot accept that.

Neither can I accept seeing problems such as CocaCola and Wal*Mart raping nations just to procreate more cash to line their pockets and leaving those nations naked in the dust. Perhaps I should do nothing about it, because what will protesting do? What good would it do to stage a silent protest of CocaCola's injustices during my university's 150th Anniversary's Founder's Day?

What good did it do to bring Blacks to the polls knowing that they wouldn't be able to vote anyway (well, maybe if they knew how many bubbles were in a bar of soap) and could possibly lose thier jobs? Perhaps it was absurd, becuause I'll admit, I didn't vote in this last election for the governor.

And the threat of jail, "Elizabeth, if they lock you up you'll only be playing into their system. They love to see our black people in jail." I guess I should just stop when they say stop. "I's sorry Mista Offissa Suh, I's didn't mean ta make nobodys mad. I's gone take my sign hea and mosey on. I's sho is sorry Mista Offissa Suh." Why should I play into their system of locking Blacks up when I can just back down at their request. Now THAT'S fighting the man!

My mother may not always agree with my 'radical' (btw, Angela Davis is coming to speak at Wesleyan, you know I'm SO THERE!!!) viewpoints or my attempts at activism. Perhaps she doesn't understand, or will never understand. I guess its just taking another one for the cause(s).

Other People's Problems

I am hereby not down with O.P.P.

I feel honored and appreciated when my friends come to me with their problems. How nice of them to value my opinion. How grand that they want my help, and trust my guidance. But wtf is up with them always having problems? And wtf is up with them coming to me for answers and solutions and then saying to me in frustration, "You think you know everything."

First of all I do not, of course, know everything, neither do I pretend to know everything or think that I know everything. Secondly, do not come to me for suggestions if you're gonna pull that mess.

How do I get into these situations? I try to be helpful, but at the same time not be overbearing and allow people to depend on me too much. I am only human, and I will fail people just as they have failed me. I always encourage them to really think about their situation and explore what avenue will be best for them. I don't tell them which way to go, cuz I can only theorize and they know their own situations better than I do. I think some people don't mind being miserable.


I shall not stress. I shall not stress about my future and all of it's uncertainties. If all goes right, I will be graduating in May, and will be the first in my family to posess a Bachelor's degree. I want to go to Grad school, but I don't know if I'm ready on so many levels. I could work for a while, and try to move up in the company, get into the department I've been eyeing. Or I could go straight to Grad school and hopefully get that assistanceship, then do my Peace Corps service. Or just Peace Corps then Grad School. Really the possibilities are too many to list. But I shall not stress.

I shall not stress about negroes who will not act right, or any men for that matter. I found out that my aunt and uncle are getting a divorce. He is the only man she has ever been in a relationship with, they got married at 19. I always admired and respected him, and used him as a model of the ideal black man. He was a teacher and a successful football coach, took good care of his wife and children, and was a positive role model. Apparently he's been acting a fool lately, being unfaithful and such. So that's it. It makes me lose faith in Black men, but I shall not stress.

I shall not stress about the little (and big) things that life throws my way. I shall not stress about the cancer, my GPA, or anything. I WANT to enjoy my life. I WANT to make the best of every single day that I have! I want to be able to deal with the issues of my life without them causing me to go crazy and do thing to mess up my relationships with others, and to negatively affect my life. I want to be able to accept these issues as learning experiences, even though some will hurt and be difficult.

I will not stress, and I will not let OPP bring me down.

I cried today
-because I'm almost there
-because I don't know if I'm ready
-because I can't believe it
-and all she was doing was critiquing my resume
-and it made me feel so embarrased
-and it was so strange
-and maybe i shouldn't have
-and I probably had every right to
-because they think it's cancer
-because I can't cure cancer
-because I don't know if I can raise my GPA
-because I know I can raise my GPA
-because I know I have potential
-because I have so much to do
-because I'm happy
-because I'm proud of myself
-and I think it's because I'm on my period
-and it made me feel all girly and crap
-because of the little girl inside of me
-in front of that woman!
-and maybe I should do it again, but next time alone

Today=Another Good Day
-This is about nothing.


I was looking at some thing online, I believe it was some type of horoscope birthday thing, and do you know what it told me? Hm, do you?

Of course you don't, but let me tell you. It said that I am a capricious lover. I
was taken aback!!
I was appalled!
I didn't know what capricious meant, but it musn't be good right?
Capricious: Characterized by or subject to whim; impulsive and unpredictable. He's such a capricious boss I never know how he'll react.

*grin* who meee?

Well, I think they were right. Now, I don't know too much about my characteristics as far as being a lover goes, because I don't mess with that L stuff, but I can identify this capriciousness (?) in my everyday life. That's why people don't get me, because I can't be gotten.

But I want someone to get me. I want someone to perhaps understand my capriciosness, and be able to attribute any irrational behavior to it. After all, am I really to blame? It's a personality flaw. . . or maybe it's not a flaw at all.

Annnyyyywhooooo, my new Boo *smilez* wants to take me to Peoria to celebrate my birthday. I'm a lil excited, but you know I don't do the excitement thing to much, so I'm just playin it cool. yup *sniff*.
I'm thinking that he might have the capacity to identify my capriciosness, but that he may very well posess that same quality deep down inside. Scary, cuz I can't deal with that mess. I hope we have a good time in P-town though, all capricious qualities aside.



P.S. I give thanks to the creator, giver, and sustainer of life for the blessings and balance that has been bestowed upon me. I request that you accept my offering of gratitude, given with a humble heart, as I am most grateful.

This feeling is like being dressed in white cotton, running through a field with my arms wide-open in a fabric-softener commercial. And I love it :D

I haven't been posting too much lately. It's not that I don't want to, or that I have nothing to say, cuz these days LOTS has been on my mind. I just haven't been posting too much lately, no apologies made.

As of late, I have been enjoying and experiencing life in this strange way. Perhaps I'm getting close to Nirvana.
-Buddhism. The ineffable ultimate in which one has attained disinterested wisdom and compassion.
-Hinduism. Emancipation from ignorance and the extinction of all attachment.
-A place or state characterized by freedom from or oblivion to pain, worry, and the external world.

There is something too, about a freedom from desire, and I haven't got there yet. A sista stil tryin' to get her shop on lol. But really, I feel like I am learning how to master this life thing. How to manipulate my surroundings and even my mentality to maximize the joy and satisfaction I get out of life. I'm learning how to roll with the punches as they say. Almost like riding a horse. At first it was bumpy and awkward at times, even hard and jerky. But when you learn how to ride, rock your body, and flow with it, you still get the same bumps and jerks but you learn how to take them in stride.

I am mastering this flow. I still have many many tricks to learn and places and situations to explore, but instead of being timid and apprehensive, I am ready to take them on with confidence.

I love looking over my life and reflecting on my personal development. I went from an extremely shy and timid little girl to a confident and successful young woman. Amazing!!!

I love enjoying my extremely busy days. I finally came to the realization last week that I am doing. the. damn. thang!!! I didn't even know. I had to give myself a "you go girl" pat on the back cuz I am managing to hold it DOWN, and hey, somebody gotta give me my props, might as well be me.

I'm loving it, no doubt. I mean, I still have my share of struggles, but I'm just letting them build me and make me stronger instead of pushing me into the ground. It has been a bit difficult these past couple of weeks, no lie. I've done my best to keep myself up and sustain my peace on my own. I'm dealing with emotional and physical struggles as they come, and I can stand, balanced on two feet, with both arms in the air, face pointed towards the sun.

I'm loving it.

Said I'm Not Gon' Cry

I am successful. I am successful in that I have survived every single day of my life and am still here. I have taken each day at a time, walked each mile step by step and I have made it.
I have made it to today. But today is no time or place special. It's no birthday, anniversary, or milestone in my life, simply another day with joys to be experienced and struggles to overcome. Another day packed with thoughts and emotions.

I don't particularly like emotions. They are partially uncontrollable and certainly unpredictable at times. They make you. . .feeeel. Not only stimulated by events and memories, emotions can also be swayed by hormones! The tiniest fluctuation can create an emotional catastrope! Who needs that?

Like now, all I wanna do is write my paper on the value of a Liberal Arts education. That's all I wanna do. But instead I am forced to cope with emotions and even hold back tears. Now, let me tell you that nothing about Liberal Arts is saddening or heartwarming, so why this problem? In the computer lab of all places.

And why when I am alone and try to induce such tears (just to get it over with because I hate crying) with memories and pondering various circumstances, nothing at all happens? My mind is rational and makes its peace with the situation.

I hate feeling this way. I can't stand the fact that my eyes are leaking in the computer lab. But it is a part of my day. I have gone through worse, and I am sure that if I can make it through this one too, then I will again be successful.

What's the Matter Lizzy?

Only 2 people in my life have been able to get away with calling me Lizzy. One was an old deacon at my church in Chicago. Actually, he called me LizzyLizzy and even though I prefered Elizabeth over anything else, I didn't wanna be disrespectful by asking him to call me by my given name, especially seeing that I was only 6 or 7 years old. The other one is my beloved sister (from church) Roc. I don't know where she got the idea to call me Lizzy, but it works. For her.

She noticed that I looked troubled in church on Sunday, and I was indeed troubled. But let's take some good news first.

After I got off work on Friday (I think it was) my friend Jen and I decided to go to Meijer to do a lil' shopping. You know, make money, spend money. I almost didn't go because my hips and feet were hurting, but I wasn't ready to go home for the night, and she's always fun to be with. They were having some type of "College Night" and were giving away all kinds of stuff and were having karaoke as well. She was like "ooo Liz you should get up there!" I wasn't feeling it at first, but when I saw a woman singing "I Love Rock and Roll" as if she could care less about Rock and Roll, I decided I needed to work the crowd a lil' bit. I sang to Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop/That Thing" and the crowd was loving it!! LOL One guy was even bowing to me saying "I love you!" It was fun and they even made a CD of it (um, it's pretty much blackmail material). A woman came up to me afterwards and liked my performance so much that she wants to hire me to sing for a party she's having for her husband at Biaggi's. I don't really know if she heard the sound so much (cuz being karaoke, the quality was not great, plus a sista was not on her A game), but she liked what she heard and loved the way I interacted with the crowd. She gave me her number and, well, we'll be in touch lol.

I'm in school now, completing my LAST YEAR BABY!!!!! I'm excited but you know I can't get too excited cuz who knows, I just might fail this whole semester or something lol. I am looking forward to earning my Bachelor's degree and being the first in my family to graduate *Cheese*. All I know is that my family better be there and be actin a fool when I cross that stage!

Ohhh, also I saved over $200 on books by shopping on Amazon.com! (no, they didn't pay me to say that, though a free book might be nice for the free advertising on my behalf) I got 9 of the 12 books that I need for around $50. Now THATS how I shop!! Ya'll know me. . .

Also I am moved into my dorm (got a single this year ya'll!) which is a feat in itself. I am so dayum tired of moving this year! Got me feeling like I don't ever wanna move again. But that would leave me in Watterson for the rest of my life, thus being in Bloomington the rest of my life and we all know that's not how it's going down.

Yes there have been some good things going on in life lately. Some tough times too though. This summer has been life-changing. I would rather have saved all of that drama for my mama, but I love her too much for that.

Let us start with little miss fucking sonia. I guess this summer was my breaking point for trying to uphold our friendship through all of her bullshit. My breaking point for trying to love and care about her when she doesn't seem to wanna care about her own self. My breaking point for putting up with lies and disregard for me and our friendship. All of which she seemingly pretends to be oblivious to. "Liz, what are you talking about?" Funny how she can act so simple and get away with it. And she wonders why people tend to treat her like a child and want to protect her. It's cuz she acts like she can't think for her own dayum self, it's not so hard to figure out.

It's really quite a sad situation. We have been friends since 8th grade, best friends from 9th. That's 8 years of frienship! We have gone from naive teenagers drinking orange juice in the junior high cafeteria to our first day of high school and having our lockers close together to finally graduating from high school to going to different schools for college. We've been through happy times and success such as going to just about every formal dance together and working hard and winning awards at DECA. We've been through tough times such as death, financial hardships and family issues. Alla dat shyt. And so many times I felt as though my hand was overextended in the clasp to keep our friendship together, but I didn't mind so much. A friendship is a give and take. I felt closer to her than I did my own sister, much to my mother's dismay, but what did I care? This was my best friend! We'd never even had an argument, disagreements yes, but we knew how to settle them civilly. Who would have thought it would come to this?

Someone told me that she said I was too nosy of a friend, that I was always "up in her business". That could be true, but I wouldn't understand how seeing that I didn't know about anything that was going on in her life. She kept her secrets, as we all have a right to. How could she be offended when I sensed that she was up to something, and come to find out she really was? It hurt me that my own best friend felt that she had to conceal her true identity with lies so that I would think of her in a certain way. I had always accepted her for who she was. She was my best friend. I see right through that shyt anyway, which made it hurt even more. I guess ignorance is bliss. But perhaps I'm trying to pass on my values of maintaining a true and consistent character, especially with your closest friends. I can't force my values of honesty and trustworthiness on other people. How silly of me.

But I would be continually silly if I decided to stay in a relationship that caused me more pain than anything. That's just not healthy. When she told me that she was upset because she hadn't felt any support from me throughout her unexpected pregnancy situation, the hurt was definately deep. I have always done my very best to support her in whatever situation she is going through, this one being no exception. I have gone so far out of my way. . . When I was told that she said that she didn't get the abortion because noone would drive her there, I became fed-up with the lies!!! Who in the world did she ask to take her? Don't blame your damn problems on the world! I guess you didn't tell anybody that you didn't get the abortion because that' s not what you really wanted to do. You didn't know what the hell you wanted to do!!!! You were confused, as is natural, but you gon' blame the situation on somebody else? Namely your friends.

You have hurt me more than enough times, and you don't even know. You have no damn clue. So are SO fuckin clueless!! And I'm sorry, I take back what I said about being there for you no matter what. I never shoulda said that, and just like you predicted, you ran me away. You did a very good job of that too. I feel. . .Sonia I feel heartbroken. You have been a very intimate friend of mine for many years. We have gone through SOOOO much.

I miss my old best friend. I miss calling her on the phone, telling her who I saw from high school, and who's got a baby now, and who's gained so much weight, and what I did today, and how school is going and what my crazy mama said.

We shared our lives
Now a part of my life is missing.

It's hard for me. Hard to move into a new house and my old best friend has no idea where it is. Hard to not pick up the phone and dial her number. Hard to be so upset to never want to be her friend again. Hard to be so dayum mad that I wanna get into a fist fight with her and let out all my anger on her puny little body. But I'd do it. I even dreamed about it.

I miss her like I miss singing in church. I miss singing in church!!! I miss worshipping and praising a God that I had no doubts about, who had proven Himself to me as a deliverer and provider. I miss not questioning Him. I miss being excited about Him. I miss praying to Him. I miss Him.

It is difficult to deal with the loss of such important elements of my very being, especially considering the loss is voluntary. I have chosen to let these things go for the time being. I could pick up the friendship again. I could easily go back to doing all the things I enjoyed in the church. But I don't. I don't want to do anything that could be unhealthy for me emotionally, physically, or spiritually. I don't want to do anything just because I'm in the habit of doing it and be hypocritical and unbelieving. I refuse.

So for now, I am here, doing my best to keep myself together and be whole in spite of my losses.

Grades Don't Equal Knowledge!! We Want MORE From College!!

Story of a college protest performed by S.A.S.Q.U.A.T.C.H- Students Answering Sociological Questions United And Together Challenging Hierarchy

Statement:
We, the members of the Sociology of Social Movements 366 class, arewithdrawing from the final as currently designed. The class will not complywith the final examination because it is our unanimous belief that we haveaptly proven our understanding of social movements. We demand that ourknowledge of this course be recognized through our ability to organize andwork together for a common cause, as opposed to rote memorization oftheories, facts and repeating information we have previously demonstratedknowledge of. The class, over the past four months, has displayed, throughbriefs and daily discussion, a strong grasp of different forms of socialmovements and how they function in society.

The class has been aggrieved over the entirety of the course by a powerstructure which denies any form of democratic decision making. The illusionof democracy in the form of a vote for the type of final examination willnot appease our desire for free choice in our education because a thirdoption – which we are demonstrating today – was not available to us. Wewill not comply with an examination with which students have no influence.

We believe that grades do not accurately reflect the knowledge learned bystudents; the traditional A-F grading system and traditional testing is anelitist system under which students of varying abilities and backgrounds arenot always tested the way that they learn best. Grades instill unnecessarycompetition amongst students in a classroom, school, or university setting.Finally *but most importantly*, traditional grading systems place emphasison the outcome (ie: A, B, etc) rather than placing emphasis on the processof learning and increasing knowledge for knowledge's sake.

The current design of our exam leaves us subject to what we believe is aninsufficient evaluation of what we have learned in this course. No longerwill we, as students, stand by and accept a classroom structure in whichprofessors have absolute power and discretion. Without our complianceprofessors have no power; they have no form of income which we pay in theform of tuition, they have no audience, and they have no support which weprovide in the form of assistantships.

Through the use of email and group meetings to facilitate collaboration andorganization, we have already answered the final exam questions (see attached). Further proof of our understanding of the coursework is,paradoxically, evident through our refusal to participate in it as currentlydesigned. We are participating in a social movement that has developed dueto our current situation in society. We have come to understand our commonplight as students and through classroom discussion and common hardship wehave gained solidarity. We are collectively acting to change the currentstructure of power.

We are assembling in a nonviolent protest directly outside Schroeder Hall. Weask that you recognize this protest as a demonstration of our knowledge fromthis course. We are moving from theory into action, and respectfullyrequest that you consider this movement our final exam.



And that's exactly what we did. We marched and protested on the quad, held up our signs and chanted in opposition to "the Man."
1-2-3-4! We won't take finals anymore!
5-6-7-8! Down with grades at Illinois State!
This is what University looks like!
Choice in education! Not regurgitation!

He bargained with us. Said if we'd stop protesting he'd give us all C's for the final exam. Say what?

We're not mediocre! We are thought provokers!

After a while, we ended up taking our protest inside and staging a sit-in inside the office of the Department of Sociology. We bargained and pleaded our case, and finally won. We got our instructor to recognize our protest as a demonstration of our knowledge instead of taking a final exam, and recieved full points. He acted tough, but in all actuality he was so impressed with our organizing, solidarity, and techniques. He tried to drive a hard bargain, but even for him it was tough to be "the man" since he is a bit radical himself.

So for victory's sake, I will end with a chant of my own, brought back from the archives of second grade.

We won, We won, we shot the BB Gun!!

Aww Hell to the Naw!!!

You done done it now.

You know what chick? This whole group project you have been gettin on my nerves. This whole time!!

It started with us not being able to agree on simple things, such as the wording on some concepts, and which things to include/exclude from different sections.

You condescendingly said, "Huh, you must be a perfectionist."
I would think that a group would appreciate that.

Then I really thought I'd had it with you when you said that because I told you we needed to change the wording of the questionnaire for it to make sense because everything that is written should make sense, you said, "Well, you're in the wrong major then."

What the hell? you gon' question my competency in my major? A major that requires a lot of writing, and I want to make sure that my writing makes sense? Oh no you didn't. Oh, but yes you did, however we still had plenty more work to do, so I was willing to let it slide.

Now I am really pissed. da. fugg. off. You gon' send me this email:

Thank you for sending the assignment to me, however i do not appreciate you altering my work. if you had a problem with it you should have contacted me. Also, the way you changed the limitations is worse than the way i had orginally done the assingment because you speak of an incentive which is not mentioned in the paragraph. Next time you decide on your own to change someone else's work, i suggest you contact them first. If you had wanted to do those parts in which i was assigned you could have done this whole project by your self. Understood??Sincerely,
S.M.

Are you muthafuggin kidding me? First of all let me state that I could care less whether or not you care that I altered your work. I had problems with it, but hmm should I contact you at 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. when I'm working on it when it was YOU who complained that I even sent emails that late, as you wouldn't get to check them. Secondly, I changed the limitations section becuase the way in which you wrote it did NOT correspond with the rest of the project. It would have gotten us SO many points taken off, you think I'm not gonna correct it? It's not like I re-wrote the whole thing!! It's not like I even re-wrote it! As far as suggestions go, I suggest that you not speak to me like I'm your child. I am doing my best to refrain from using the B-word, cuz I don't believe in calling women that, but I am sure looking for an alternative. No, I didn't want to do the parts you were assigned, that's why I assigned them to you. And had I done the parts assigned you, I would still not have been doing the whole project by myself, but maybe next time I should.

Sincerely,
Your pissed off group member
eliz.

Getting My Life Together

I am 20 years old. I need to get my life together.

20 might sound like a young age, I mean, it is the first thing after the 'teen years', but this is how I think of being 20 years old:

Right now I'm 20. Before I know it I will be 25, and 25 is not too far from 30. By 30 I should definately be established in my career, have a home, vehicle, possibly a family. If I don't have a hint of any of those things by the age of 25, then something is seriously wrong. If I don't start working toward those things by the age of 20, by the time I turn 30 I will seriously be screwed.

I mean, I should get my Bachelor's by the age of 21. If I follow my plan A, I will have my first year of Grad School done by 22, then my Peace Corps service will be done by 24, finishing my Masters at age 25. Having Peace Corps and a Master's degree under my belt, a job/potential career shouldn't be too difficult to get ahold of, so I give myself about 3 years to find that career that I will be at for the majority of my adult years. If I have my career by 28, I will roll into my 30's without any problem.

Well, at least hopefully not any problems career-wise. I mean, you've got your variables such as sickness, family issues, pregnancy, job outlook. . .etc. But if I do my best to get my life together now, those variables won't throw me off as much.

Now, at this moment in time, RIGHT NOW I need to get my life together on a short-term note. This time leading up to finals can potentially drive me to take medication if I don't manage my time well (I need to be on a Facebook diet) and get stuff done. For example, I need to work extra hard to read these 200 pages of a book about the theory of the evolution of the gay/lesbian rights movement as both an identity movement and a social movement. Yeah. And write a paper on it that' s due Tuesday. Yeah. So here's how I think about it:

If I don't read this book, I could still try and do the paper on it, and get another (yes, another) D, or I could not do the paper at all, get an F, then for sure not raise my grade in the class. I'd probably get a D out of the class, which would lower the GPA I'm trying to raise in order to get into grad school by the age of 21. . . .you can see where this is going. (Slippery slope? yes. I always do this.)

So basically, if I don't read this book I could seriously be messing up my chances of getting into grad school. That's how I think of it.

Hey, I'm 20. It's time. I gotta get my life together.