Sunday, Sunday

I cherish these Sundays. Lazy, laid back, free flowing. I don't like to plan anything on my Sundays, not even a plan to get together with friends who I'd otherwise be with. Plans aren't for Sundays. Everything should happen spontaneously.

Monday through Saturday my life is planned out. I know what time I have to wake up, what time I have to be at work, what times I'll need to eat in order to not be starving later in the day, and what time I'll need to go to sleep in order to do it all the next day.

But Sundays are for me and those who I wish to be with. Catching up with friends and family, catching up with myself. Shopping, cleaning. Tending to MY needs in MY time. Cooking (which I never get to do during the week). Its lovely, it really is.

But as of now, I've spent enough of my day in a leisurely fashion. I need to do laundry, cook for the week, do my hair, and clean the place.

Ready for another week. I think it'll be a good one :)

This 6 year old girl really has some talent. Hearing this rendition of "I Will Always Love You" touched my heart as if it were my first time hearing the song.

Oh my aching heart.

Wake Up


I've never had too many problems falling asleep at night. I can fall asleep in bed, on the couch, on the floor, or even kneeling over a project. Sleep is a gem sent from the heavens, and I am so blessed that it comes so easily to me.

I really just enjoy sleep. I can sleep at work, in class, at the doctor's office, and even at the movie theater. I can sleep in a house, I can sleep on a mouse. I can sleep in the car, I can sleep with the stars. I even like when I'm sleeping, and I wake up just slightly only to realize that I'm asleep. I get so happy by the fact that I'm sleeping, that I go back to sleep and start the joyful process all over again.

Seriously, good sleep is up there with the other joys in life like good sex, good food, and good weather. To have all four. . .who could ask for more???? How could you not be at peace with life to have good sleep every night, good weather every day, and good sex follwed by some good food?? Utopia!!!!

You know how they have those bumper stickers, "I'd Rather Be Fishing". . .mine would say "I'd Rather Be Sleeping." In fact, that's just what I want to do right now, which might be why I'm waxing poetic about it lol.

I'm Great

I've never been too good at bragging on myself. That could be why I have trouble with those "about me" sections of profiles. You want to present the best image of yourself, and if you really are great, how can you tell people that without sounding like a pretentious egomaniac?

I'm putting together the end-of-year banquet program. Dr. S asked me to be the alumna speaker. I think I can do that, public speaking has never been an issue for me. What I'm going to talk about, I have no idea, but hopefully an inspiring message will come to me in the next week or so. The problem is that I have to write up a bio of myself to put in the program.

I'm looking at the past programs, and all of their alumni had so many accomplishments. Real accomplishments.

"Mr. So and So grew up here and went to high school here. He was the captain of the football team and played on the All-State Team. He was president of this organization, earned these scholarships, and now does this and that with his Fraternity. He went to a prestigious HBCU and got a great job afterwards. He is now pursuing his Master's degree."

Damn. What am I going to say about myself? How can I tell everyone that I struggled through undergrad, didn't even end up officially earning my minor (although I still claim it- that damn last class!!!), and work in front of a computer 11 hours a day and make it sound good? What am I supposed to say, that I want to go back to school to get my Master's, but am too indecisive and broke? Maybe I could mention all the grand ideas I have, and that I have the "potential" to make them happen, but don't stay motivated.

But I do tutor spanish. I"ll have to include that. Let's face it- I'm not accomplished. I'm not doing badly, I mean, I do have a job, apartment, car, etc. I am taking care of myself and being responsible. I pay my bills on time (but I return library books late). I know that I'm doing more for myself than a lot of people my age, but when you boil it down, I'm just doing what grown people do. Taking care of business. That's nothing spectacular.

But let me get back to the subject at hand, which is that I don't like to brag on myself. I can only do so when being funny or sarcastic. I do have some accomplishments. I just don't want to be the one responsible for listing them in a way that makes me appear to be an outstanding citizen. Maybe I can get Dr. S to write it??

I Hate It.

I keep busy at the League. I am the "Editor in Chief" if you will, of our newsletter and that thing is a lot of work. Finding articles, scheduling interviews, and securing good pictures for the monthly newsletter, plus keeping up with my other administrative tasks is sometimes more of a struggle than I anticipated. (note the cluttered desk)

When I send out the newsletter, its sent to everyone on our email list. Somehow it almost never fails that someone hits "reply all" with a comment they intend to send to me regarding the newsletter. Generally the comments are positive, which of course I like and appreciate. This past newsletter, the one for February, included some blurb about Black History Month. This guy responds back with a 3 or 4 paragraph tirade about how too often Black History Month only focuses on Blacks' history over the last 400 years, but doesn't tend to focus on African History. Okay, that's fine, and it's also true for the most part. But the tone of his email was so condescending and harsh. On top of that, I was kind of baffled as to what his point was. Did he intend for me to know that Black history is more than the history of Blacks in America? I do know that. Did he expect me to change the article after it had been sent out? It was like, "why are you telling me this?" Oh, and of course he "replied to all" and sent his diatribe to EVERYONE who received the newsletter. Thanks.

So, the director "replies to all" inviting him to do an article for our next newsletter (since he has so much to say). I get the article and I hate it. It's more of the same of what everyone has already read from him, but in a condensed form. He even calls Black History Month "African History Month." I've never heard of this African History Month, but its clear to see that he wants it to be just that. I show Dr. S. the article and she thinks its lovely. I hate it. It's not positive, encouraging, or even enlightening. I don't want it in the newsletter.

The director finished her article too. I politely reminded her several times not to make it too long. It's a newsletter, and we only have a limited amount of space. We dont' need a dissertation, just a small article. Please. The article, is of course, too long again, so I'll have to cut some of it out. I don't mind editing, but I feel a little bad because I'm sure that every word in there is a word or a thought that she wanted to include. What to take out? What to leave in? I hate that.

But alas, I must get back to work so I can get this blasted newsletter out today and start on next month's.

What the Hell Man??

I keep having these pregnant dreams. I had one a few nights ago and last night seemed to be a continuation. The dream was eerie in that there were no strange, "what are you doing in my dream", unexpected characters, and everything was pretty realistic. There wasn't much dialouge, but mostly a lot of thoughts.

I dreamt that I was pregnant, only I didn't know I was pregnant. I started going into labor at home by myself. I didn't have time to call anybody because the baby started coming so quickly. Plus, I couldn't find my phone. Even though I didn't know I was pregnant beforehand, I definately knew that this was a baby about to be born, and I treated it all very matter-of-factly.

There was no, "Where did this baby come from?" I just knew I was having a baby. I delivered it myself and wrapped it up. I looked into her face, she was dark and beautiful. Then, I didn't know if I should feed it right then, or if I should wait, or how long I should wait. I was thinking that the baby is probably hungry. . .right? Should I stick my boob into its mouth?

I set the wrapped up budle of joy (?) on the kitchen counter as I looked for my cell phone. I didn't want to hold her, because I thought I could find it faster if I had both hands. Who should I call first? Don't I need to go to the hospital or something? I should call my mother, she'll be so surprised to have a granddaughter. Or maybe I should call Therese, she just had a baby a couple of months ago. She'll know what to do too. Yes, I'll call Mama and Therese. Gawd, where is my cell phone? Maybe I should go next door and ask my uncle to use his phone. What if he's not home? Should I take the baby out in the cold or leave her here? Never needed a house phone until now. . .

I picked the baby up again, held her in my arms and just looked at her. "Hello baby" I said. Then I realized that my baby had no name. Oh shoot, I have to name you. What's that girls name I had in mind before? Do I have to name you right now, or can I wait? Maybe Tura can help me come up with some ideas. It has to be something good, I mean, a name follows you forever. I don't want my baby to hate her name.

The father should help me name her. The father!? Ohhhh yeah, this baby must have a father. It must be Adrien. Maybe I should call him first, I mean, he is the father. I wonder what he will think. Wait, what month did I get pregnant?? This is February so. . . .May? I wonder if it was before or after graduation. Have I drank since then? We have a daughter now, what a trip. This will tie us together forever.

The dream ended with me thinking that I should have saved a little more money from my last check. A baby needs stuff.

You Love it, Don't You?


This morning I come into the office with everything that I need to accomplish in my head. I need to type up notes from the interview I did on Wednesday. I need to work on a few articles for the newsletter (which should be at least HALFWAY done at this point, but is SO not), and do some stuff with my student files. I'm ready. Today is Friday and I plan to get everything on my mental "To-Do List" done.

I walk in the office and Dr.S is already in there. We greet, and I sit down at my desk, ready to tackle my tasks. As always, there's about 15 pages of miscellaneous documents on my desk that have no owner or home. Somehow papers ALWAYS float to my desk! I don't know where they come from, who they belong to, or what their purpose is. All I can do is sigh. I tack "organize misc. documents" onto my mental To-Do list.

Dr. S calls my name. She says, "I want you to look at these documents." As she holds a stack of papers that are marked up and post-it-noted and loosely stacked.

She brings them over to my desk with a, "This page needs this, we need to add this, take out this, and change this." There's about 30 pages total, and none of these directions are written down. Inside I'm thinking, "Okay. You're kidding me right? You DO know I have other stuff to do right?" but I just nod and "mm-hm."

"I've also sent you the attachments that should be inserted. Change this on the one that says this, and put that one between page this and that." I get the email with about 17 attachments. This is just crazy.

But strangely, I love it. Back to work!

2007 Comes to an End. . . Finally!!
Although I don't blog much anymore, I still feel compelled to do my end-of-year review. 2007 was a doosy, let me tell ya. I thought I was going to die! I had lots of ups and downs, but I made it through only by the grace of God. Here's a little recap of events.
-Completed my first (real) sociological research and presented it at a research symposium. (only black person presenting)
-Took the worst Spanish class of my whole life
-Watched my mother battle cancer
-Grandmother's boyfriend passed away
-Graduated from ISU with my Bachelor's degree in May
-Uncle came for graduation, decided to stay here instead of going home
-Met a boy who became my first real boyfriend
-Fell in love with that boy and got engaged
-Got my first apartment with a roomate
-Learned how to be willingly domestic in just one summer
-Learned French and Lingala and ate lots of fufu
-Watched three friends become mothers
-Attended several weddings
-Started planning a wedding
-Turned 22 (uneventfullly)
-Celebrated a year with "The Farm"
-Broke up with fiancee
-Got a job in my field of study
-Little sister started learning to drive
-Started teaching Spanish classes as volunteer work
-Father released from prison and came to town
-Little sister got her first job
-Mother remarried and didn't tell me
-Fought with roomate
-Got my first apartment by myself
So, thankfully my tumultous year ended on a positive note with my new apartment which is beautiful and just right for me. The year closes with me decorating the new place and appreciating the freedom that I posess. I know that the challenges I endured were put in my life for a reason, and in retrospect I can definitely say that they made me stronger. I am optimistic about what 2008 will bring. I hope that it will be a year in which I will be able to be introspective, and draw creativity from what I find inside. I look forward to learning and being able to share my knowledge with others. As for graduate school, that may or may not happen in '08, we'll see.

Je t'aime

The words come from his lips so easily, so readily. Je t'aime. They fall like rose petals on my ears and my heart and I know that they are sincere. I know that he is sincere, and I want to say je t'aime too. But I can't.

Je t'aime

The words don't go any farther than the confines of my mind. I can't say it because I don't know exactly what it means. Yes, I know the translation, but what is it saying? Is it just that I care about you and that I want the best for you? Is it that I'm so grateful to have you in my life? Is it that I appreciate everything you do for me? All of that is true.

Or is it saying something more? Is it locking me into a contract? Does it hold me accountable for certain behavior? What are the expectations of one who makes this proclamation, "Je t'aime?" Does it mean that I will never do you wrong? Does it mean that I will be everything that you want me to be? Does it mean that I should always be willing? Is it a promise?

I don't make promises. I don't know how much of myself I can offer. Could je t'aime just be a vow to do your best? What if I only give 40%, but 50% is my best? Am I lying?

Je sais que je t'aime, mon ange. I just can't tell you.

Mother To-Be


They tell me that eating too much fufu makes you fat. I don't know if it's the fufu or the soup, but apparently you will blow up if you eat it all the time.

And it seems that they already think I'm fat. Alex told A, "Your girlfriend is veeeery very beautiful, but, is big." Alex went on to tell him that my size is okay for now, but if I get bigger, sex isn't going to be enjoyable. . .etc. *nod* okay.

So, if eating too much fufu makes you fat, and you already think I'm fat, why do you keep offering me fufu ALL THE TIME?! Everytime we go over someone's house and they've cooked, it always seems to have been fufu. And they always offer me some. I don't wanna decline, because that may be misinterpreted as rudeness. I don't see them offering it to him everytime (although they might be doing so in Lingala or something), so maybe as I become more and more familiar to them, they might lay off. I like some fufu, I really do, but they best not say NOTHIN when I come waddlin up in their houses big as a house!

But I think I am putting on weight, and I don't know if it's becuase I'm looking at my body more (cuz they think I'm fat) or becuase of the FUFU!!! DANG. He likes my body though, and so do I, so it's not too much of a problem.

He bought my mother a card today. I don't even think he read the thing, just picked one that said "mom" and looked nice. And it did look nice, all swirly and flowers and stuff. On the top it said, "Happy Mother's Day Mother To-Be." My first instinct was to buss da fugg up!!!! I just wanted to laugh but you know these men have egoes.

"Aw, A, this is nice. But. . . no. It says, mother-to-be. Thats for a pregnant woman." We have to have these kind of English break-downs all the time. I've had to explain things like, "this sucks" and "silly". (btw, silly translates to 'idiot' in french. Not easy to explain the difference).

Wifey

Let me preface this by saying that it makes me feel strange to write about men so much. I have other issues in life. . . but I do like boys!

I'm too young to be thinking about marriage. I'm only 21. He's too old not to be thinking about marriage. He's 24.

All of his friends/acquaintances from his country are married by now, or at least have a fiancee. He doesn't even have a girlfriend, and I know that's presenting problems for him. Even his mother is pressuring him, asking why he has no fiancee yet. She offered to find him one back home, but he doesn't want a Congolese woman. He wants to find his own wife.

He likes me. To tell the truth, I think he's growing on me in some type of way. He just treats me SO well, and that alone is enough to hold my attention. He treats me like the queen I perceive myself to be. I know that in a relationship, he could probably be the bomb boyfriend. At least attention-wise (and I like that). I had even gotten to the point of considering this relationship thing, and we all know, Eliz does NOT get involved. I don't like emotional attachment. But I was considering it.

I realized though, that he needs a relationship that's going to turn into something more. It's a little funny in a non-laughter way that I had always percieved myself as only being in relationships like that. One that would go somewhere, not just being in one just to do it.

I hate that he's so many things I thought/knew/know that I want(ed), but I'm still not quite feeling it. And that even if I was, we just have two very different goals for a relationship. I hate that I'm thinking about relationships.

We had a LONG talk last night, on the phone for almost 2 hours. Caking. Dayum. I told him how I have problems with the L word. I just can't say it. He told me that knew. I guess he caught the hint after the first few times of saying it, and me not reciprocating lol. I told him how I have problems with emotional attachment, he told me how he imagines that I am his girlfriend when we are together, but has to bring himself back to reality.

*sigh* I know this is going to be difficult.

Sunday Morning

Shortly after I woke up this morning, I got a call. He's always calling, and I have to admit that I'm often guilty of ignoring the ring. Sometimes talking to him is too much of a chore. I mean, how can a person who doesn't even speak that much English talk so dang much? I called him back though. I haven't really spoken to him too much lately.

I didn't expect him to invite me to church. An hour before it began. I quickly beautified myself (and yes, I did a good job), packed my clothes for work afterward and hobbled to the elevator in my stiletto sandals. Between the engagement party on Friday (silver strappy sandals), going out on Saturday (red Miss Sixty boots) and church today, my feet have taken such a beating this weekend! But I digress. . .

We went, and although I only speak a few words of French, and absolutely NO Lingala, I had such a good time! The music was good, people were dancing and making noise. . .now, I've had some good church, but this felt like a straight up party! I know Congolese people love to dance, and MAYN they were gettin it! It was funny cuz one of the guys I had definitely seen the night before at the club, doin that same dance!

I was glad I went to church with him. I like him because he's sweet, and I know he's capable of giving me the attention that I desire. I'm sure he'd probably do almost anything he could for me out of love, which is also what I want. I could break his heart though. Like his friend, P who I'd met waay before I met him. P had this vibe from the start that immediately caught my attention. Something that made me bite my bottom lip! But P was a friend of a different guy I was talking to. Was. But dang it if P isn't his friend too! Ok, yeah, P has a girlfriend (don't they all?) which makes him off limit anyway, but BAAABYYYY, if he didn't. . . He was interpreting some of the service for me today, sitting next to me, leaning in. I love a man who can give me information *wooh*. But I know what it would do to him for anything to ever happen between P and I. It would kill the man. But I digress. . .

The message was good too. The preacher spoke about God's favoritism. I was actually. . .inspired. I was inspired by the music, and the congregation's connection with their God. I was inspired by how the music and the praises to God made them so happy, you would think that they had no cares. Just singing and dancing and rejoicing and laughing. . .

I found myself unable to be as analytical as I am when I go to my own church, sitting quietly in the back watching everyone else. It just felt good being there, but I hate the idea of using God and religion as a mere high. Then I got to thinking. Maybe he, with all the weirdness that surrounds him, is my angel of some sort. Maybe he will be my connection back to God.

Maybe.

He Was Honest

He was honest with me. I asked him, and he was honest. In fact, I think I can say that in instances where I have asked him about anything, he has been honest.

But actions speak louder than words.

His actions told me that he was single and that he was attracted to me. Or at least that he was single and wanted some. His words said that he was attracted, so I wonder if that was truth also.

What does attraction really account for anyway?

I didn't trust him in that capacity. I don't think I ever did, because he had a reputation. But don't ask, don't tell right? Under the pretense that he was single, I was upset when I saw the pictures. I was UPSET. I thought to myself, how could he? How can he say he's single and talk all this sweetness to me when he's GOT a girl? How could he disrespect his relationship like that? I began to have flashbacks of all the instances in which I felt disrespected by his actions, things I knew he didn't do to spite me. Things he didn't even know I was upset about. Flashbacks of all the disagreements and misunderstandings, and this was to be the last straw. I was becoming increasingly angry, after all, I am his FRIEND. I know the kid. I knew I needed to talk to him.

So I asked him.

"What. . . is your relationship status?" "Well. . ." he said, "technically I'm in a relationship, but it's kinda not a real relationship." He said that it was somewhat like a friendship with benefits, but not that-because it was more. They hit a rough patch for a while and now they are. . .well, I don't really know what they are but he is not exactly single.

I told him that if he is in a relationship, be it 100% of a relationship or 10%, that he should not be trying to ''holla'' at other people. He should not be trying to holla at me. I told him that it was not appropriate. He said that he would not holla at me anymore. There was no attitude, he was neither indignant nor ig'nant. He just calmly said, "Ok" and that he wouldn't do it anymore.

I asked him, and he told me, just straight up. I couldn't be nearly as upset (although the anger had died down by this point anyhow). I didn't raise my voice. I can't justify his actions, and I certainly wouldn't try to.

We continued our conversation, me complaining about school, him encouraging me and not letting me make excuses for myself. He'll holla at me later. "You know, not holla, but I am gon' holla at you later." That's alright with me.

Aw Hell

Right now I am ANGRY and I feel like my life sucks. I hardly got any sleep last night, and somehow I spent all night trying to force myself to do an assignment which I magically completed just before 8am. Funny how it only took me an hour to do it.

I am ANGRY because I can't make myself do my homework when I want to do it.

I had to make sure I got it done in time to move my car. The spot I parked in last night is only 1 hour parking from 8a.m. till 6p.m., which means that I had to move it by 9 at the latest. But I have class at 8:30. So I go to move my car. I go to move my car. I go to move my car and my car will not move. I go out in the COLD after gettting no sleep to move my car and it will not move. I called my mother, she called our mechanic. He says to have the car TOWED in to see if they can get it started. To see if they can get it started. But I don't have to work until Wednesday, so thats when I really need the car to be started. So what if they get it started today, but come Wednesday I'm out of luck? I will have wasted money, energy, and time.

I am ANGRY because all I wanted to do is move my car to another parking spot but now I have to get it towed, which might not even be a solution.

My mother offered to help me pay for the tow. Towing is ridiculously priced, and I'm thinking that I'd like to own a towing company one day, cuz the profits must be MAD crazy. But I have money, and I know she hasn't had a lot of work to do at the job lately, so her paychecks have been muy pequeno. In fact, her last check was less than mine. And I had taken days off. Her check was a third of what it usually is. I was upset that she offered to pay for it.

I am ANGRY that my mother busts her butt and still does not make enough money.

I thought about how Symone told me that they needed laundry detergent. I went to the store last night after work and picked up a few things for myself. I got some detergent for them too, and found some smoked almonds for my mother. She loves smoked almonds. I dropped them off at the house, and she called me saying, "What did you do that for?" I know that she was grateful. I'm trying to do this whole 'family' thing, cuz I know family is supposed to help take care of each other, and I like doing that. I like being able to do what I can to help out. I know that my mother also takes joy in being able to do things for me, even if its just giving me some food when I come home. I know she was trying to help me by offering to help pay for the tow. That made me feel a different feeling that I don't have a word for. Some kind of heart feeling.

I am ANGRY because that is the emotion I default to when I don't know what to call the emotion I'm feeling. Language is so interesting.

I am scared of grad school. I am scared of applying to grad school. I am scared of the capabilities/incapabilities of my potential. My room is not clean. My room stinks. I am complaining about the smallest things that don't matter in life.

That makes me ANGRY.

I just have to make it through the day.

Parents Just Don't Understand


Perhaps DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince said it best when they claimed that, "Parents just don't understand."

I also hold strongly to my mother's old school statements of, "Don't talk about it, be about it" and, "Talk is cheap."

And now it seems that in my attempts to "be about it", my mother simply does not understand. She does not understand my heart for activisim and struggling for positive change.

She thinks it's great when I go to leadership conferences that teach me how to be a more effective leader in my community and campus. In fact, she sitting on the couch together and listening to my recounts of workshops on self improvement, career builiding and being a role model. Oh, and she loves hearing about those inspirational speakers.

She was also proud of 'her baby' when I went on the Civil Rights Movement Trip to Memphis. I told her how we not only dealt with the Civil Rights Movement of the 50's and 60's, but also with women's rights, gay rights, disability rights, and human rights. How we went to the National Civil Rights Movement Museum and I saw accounts of individuals who fought for the very same freedoms that I take for granted on a daily basis. I thought of slaves who taught themselves how to read, defying their master's rules, and who shared their knowledge with those who were willing to learn. I thought of Booker T. Washington and WEB DuBois and their efforts to improve the 'race problem' with education and hard work. I read stories of innocent victims and those who were victims for the cause. When I walked into a segregated bus simulation and sat down, I wondered what it would have been like to hear, "Get out of that seat nigger" from some White man with authority screaming at me. I wondered if I would have stayed in my seat, or if I would have sat there in the first place. I wondered if I would have just eaten lunch in 'my place', or if I would have challenged that structure and risked insults, injury, and my clean criminal record.

She loved that I was inspired. She also enjoys having debates about issues concerning race, global issues, capitalism, and immigration issues, although we almost always disagree.

But she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand that something can be done about the problems presented by the world we live in, which shocks me considering that she was born in the 60's. She knows all the stories. She can vote now and uses the same water fountains as white people do. She knows that it wasn't always that way.

But she says that no change really happened. "All that protesting," she says, "what good does it do? How do you know if you'll actually make a change?" She insists that no significant change has been made since racism still exists and Whites still have privilege. People are still arrested, killed, denied jobs, etc. due to racial reasons.

Apparently all of that Civil Rights hoopla was for nothing, but I just cannot accept that.

Neither can I accept seeing problems such as CocaCola and Wal*Mart raping nations just to procreate more cash to line their pockets and leaving those nations naked in the dust. Perhaps I should do nothing about it, because what will protesting do? What good would it do to stage a silent protest of CocaCola's injustices during my university's 150th Anniversary's Founder's Day?

What good did it do to bring Blacks to the polls knowing that they wouldn't be able to vote anyway (well, maybe if they knew how many bubbles were in a bar of soap) and could possibly lose thier jobs? Perhaps it was absurd, becuause I'll admit, I didn't vote in this last election for the governor.

And the threat of jail, "Elizabeth, if they lock you up you'll only be playing into their system. They love to see our black people in jail." I guess I should just stop when they say stop. "I's sorry Mista Offissa Suh, I's didn't mean ta make nobodys mad. I's gone take my sign hea and mosey on. I's sho is sorry Mista Offissa Suh." Why should I play into their system of locking Blacks up when I can just back down at their request. Now THAT'S fighting the man!

My mother may not always agree with my 'radical' (btw, Angela Davis is coming to speak at Wesleyan, you know I'm SO THERE!!!) viewpoints or my attempts at activism. Perhaps she doesn't understand, or will never understand. I guess its just taking another one for the cause(s).

Other People's Problems

I am hereby not down with O.P.P.

I feel honored and appreciated when my friends come to me with their problems. How nice of them to value my opinion. How grand that they want my help, and trust my guidance. But wtf is up with them always having problems? And wtf is up with them coming to me for answers and solutions and then saying to me in frustration, "You think you know everything."

First of all I do not, of course, know everything, neither do I pretend to know everything or think that I know everything. Secondly, do not come to me for suggestions if you're gonna pull that mess.

How do I get into these situations? I try to be helpful, but at the same time not be overbearing and allow people to depend on me too much. I am only human, and I will fail people just as they have failed me. I always encourage them to really think about their situation and explore what avenue will be best for them. I don't tell them which way to go, cuz I can only theorize and they know their own situations better than I do. I think some people don't mind being miserable.


I shall not stress. I shall not stress about my future and all of it's uncertainties. If all goes right, I will be graduating in May, and will be the first in my family to posess a Bachelor's degree. I want to go to Grad school, but I don't know if I'm ready on so many levels. I could work for a while, and try to move up in the company, get into the department I've been eyeing. Or I could go straight to Grad school and hopefully get that assistanceship, then do my Peace Corps service. Or just Peace Corps then Grad School. Really the possibilities are too many to list. But I shall not stress.

I shall not stress about negroes who will not act right, or any men for that matter. I found out that my aunt and uncle are getting a divorce. He is the only man she has ever been in a relationship with, they got married at 19. I always admired and respected him, and used him as a model of the ideal black man. He was a teacher and a successful football coach, took good care of his wife and children, and was a positive role model. Apparently he's been acting a fool lately, being unfaithful and such. So that's it. It makes me lose faith in Black men, but I shall not stress.

I shall not stress about the little (and big) things that life throws my way. I shall not stress about the cancer, my GPA, or anything. I WANT to enjoy my life. I WANT to make the best of every single day that I have! I want to be able to deal with the issues of my life without them causing me to go crazy and do thing to mess up my relationships with others, and to negatively affect my life. I want to be able to accept these issues as learning experiences, even though some will hurt and be difficult.

I will not stress, and I will not let OPP bring me down.

I cried today
-because I'm almost there
-because I don't know if I'm ready
-because I can't believe it
-and all she was doing was critiquing my resume
-and it made me feel so embarrased
-and it was so strange
-and maybe i shouldn't have
-and I probably had every right to
-because they think it's cancer
-because I can't cure cancer
-because I don't know if I can raise my GPA
-because I know I can raise my GPA
-because I know I have potential
-because I have so much to do
-because I'm happy
-because I'm proud of myself
-and I think it's because I'm on my period
-and it made me feel all girly and crap
-because of the little girl inside of me
-in front of that woman!
-and maybe I should do it again, but next time alone

Today=Another Good Day
-This is about nothing.


I was looking at some thing online, I believe it was some type of horoscope birthday thing, and do you know what it told me? Hm, do you?

Of course you don't, but let me tell you. It said that I am a capricious lover. I
was taken aback!!
I was appalled!
I didn't know what capricious meant, but it musn't be good right?
Capricious: Characterized by or subject to whim; impulsive and unpredictable. He's such a capricious boss I never know how he'll react.

*grin* who meee?

Well, I think they were right. Now, I don't know too much about my characteristics as far as being a lover goes, because I don't mess with that L stuff, but I can identify this capriciousness (?) in my everyday life. That's why people don't get me, because I can't be gotten.

But I want someone to get me. I want someone to perhaps understand my capriciosness, and be able to attribute any irrational behavior to it. After all, am I really to blame? It's a personality flaw. . . or maybe it's not a flaw at all.

Annnyyyywhooooo, my new Boo *smilez* wants to take me to Peoria to celebrate my birthday. I'm a lil excited, but you know I don't do the excitement thing to much, so I'm just playin it cool. yup *sniff*.
I'm thinking that he might have the capacity to identify my capriciosness, but that he may very well posess that same quality deep down inside. Scary, cuz I can't deal with that mess. I hope we have a good time in P-town though, all capricious qualities aside.



P.S. I give thanks to the creator, giver, and sustainer of life for the blessings and balance that has been bestowed upon me. I request that you accept my offering of gratitude, given with a humble heart, as I am most grateful.

This feeling is like being dressed in white cotton, running through a field with my arms wide-open in a fabric-softener commercial. And I love it :D

I haven't been posting too much lately. It's not that I don't want to, or that I have nothing to say, cuz these days LOTS has been on my mind. I just haven't been posting too much lately, no apologies made.

As of late, I have been enjoying and experiencing life in this strange way. Perhaps I'm getting close to Nirvana.
-Buddhism. The ineffable ultimate in which one has attained disinterested wisdom and compassion.
-Hinduism. Emancipation from ignorance and the extinction of all attachment.
-A place or state characterized by freedom from or oblivion to pain, worry, and the external world.

There is something too, about a freedom from desire, and I haven't got there yet. A sista stil tryin' to get her shop on lol. But really, I feel like I am learning how to master this life thing. How to manipulate my surroundings and even my mentality to maximize the joy and satisfaction I get out of life. I'm learning how to roll with the punches as they say. Almost like riding a horse. At first it was bumpy and awkward at times, even hard and jerky. But when you learn how to ride, rock your body, and flow with it, you still get the same bumps and jerks but you learn how to take them in stride.

I am mastering this flow. I still have many many tricks to learn and places and situations to explore, but instead of being timid and apprehensive, I am ready to take them on with confidence.

I love looking over my life and reflecting on my personal development. I went from an extremely shy and timid little girl to a confident and successful young woman. Amazing!!!

I love enjoying my extremely busy days. I finally came to the realization last week that I am doing. the. damn. thang!!! I didn't even know. I had to give myself a "you go girl" pat on the back cuz I am managing to hold it DOWN, and hey, somebody gotta give me my props, might as well be me.

I'm loving it, no doubt. I mean, I still have my share of struggles, but I'm just letting them build me and make me stronger instead of pushing me into the ground. It has been a bit difficult these past couple of weeks, no lie. I've done my best to keep myself up and sustain my peace on my own. I'm dealing with emotional and physical struggles as they come, and I can stand, balanced on two feet, with both arms in the air, face pointed towards the sun.

I'm loving it.

Said I'm Not Gon' Cry

I am successful. I am successful in that I have survived every single day of my life and am still here. I have taken each day at a time, walked each mile step by step and I have made it.
I have made it to today. But today is no time or place special. It's no birthday, anniversary, or milestone in my life, simply another day with joys to be experienced and struggles to overcome. Another day packed with thoughts and emotions.

I don't particularly like emotions. They are partially uncontrollable and certainly unpredictable at times. They make you. . .feeeel. Not only stimulated by events and memories, emotions can also be swayed by hormones! The tiniest fluctuation can create an emotional catastrope! Who needs that?

Like now, all I wanna do is write my paper on the value of a Liberal Arts education. That's all I wanna do. But instead I am forced to cope with emotions and even hold back tears. Now, let me tell you that nothing about Liberal Arts is saddening or heartwarming, so why this problem? In the computer lab of all places.

And why when I am alone and try to induce such tears (just to get it over with because I hate crying) with memories and pondering various circumstances, nothing at all happens? My mind is rational and makes its peace with the situation.

I hate feeling this way. I can't stand the fact that my eyes are leaking in the computer lab. But it is a part of my day. I have gone through worse, and I am sure that if I can make it through this one too, then I will again be successful.