I'm feeling much better, Thanks

I was really down this past week, just going through this and that, and then the whole Sonia thing, then the whole mother thing, then the whole Max thing. . . when the sh** hits the fan right? But now I feel much better, I know somebody is praying for me.

I've been thinking lately. Thinking about how when I was younger, I'd say starting 5th or 6th grade, I would pray continually for God to make me someone who others would be able to see His light shine through me. That was the true desire of my heart, I wanted to be a open and willing vessel, for whatever He wanted me to do. I wanted people to look at me and see Him.

Well, they do say be careful what you pray for lol. Part of the reason I was so down and frustrated was because I know that God has made and is still making me into that person. A part of being saved and living holy is being sanctified and set apart. I can't be like everybody else, and that has its moments when it sucks. It is a huge privledge and responsibility to live a Christ-like life, but it seems more like a responsibility. How can I lead anyone to walk the straight and narrow road when I'm drifting? A lot of times people in the church will say "The world has nothing to offer" but as my pastor says, it has plenty to offer, but what is it worth?

So I'm trying to live by the scripture: Romans 12:2 - And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. But its so hard, because I always have to be on my P's and Q's (what does that stand for anyway?). What I do is not only a representation of me, but of my church, of my faith and my God. So if I cuss you out, how does that make God look? If you see me at a party juking away and having a good time, what reflection is that on my church? If you know me to call myself "saved" and you see me wearing skimpy clothes and running around with this boy and that one, what impression does that leave you of salvation?

But sometimes I feel like I wanna be able to make mistakes without being a mis-representation of what is good. Not that I wanna go out there and do bad things, but I don't always want the pressure of continually carrying the name of my Saviour, which I know is a privledge in itself. Its almost like living under a magnifying glass, everybody is always watching what I do and say, even though I may not realize it.

So I feel like I wanna be free.
Romans 6:20 - For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness.
Thats not the free I want.
Romans 6:22 - But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life.

So lets see, free from righteousness, nahh. Free from sin, holiness, everlasting life. Free from sin seems to have some good benefits. So I guess I'd rather be free from sin and be a servant of God. Being that servant, I know I have my duty to live this life and let His light shine thru me. Its worth that everlasting life.