"The doctor said I had blood clots, but I ain't Jamaican man"
-Kanye West

Dear homettes, friends, family, and other readers,

This is a long update. If I act strangely lately, this is why. I have lots on my mind, and I don't even know where to begin.

Summer semester of school is almost over. I had a test today that I thought I might fail. I have this habit of calculating best/worse case scenarios, and I think I just might get a C on the test. A C would do just fine, and that's really all I expect to get out of the class. Last night, before trying to study for the test I made a HUGE mistake. My stupid self decided to calculate what my GPA should be after the semester is over. I got a 2.3. I almost threw a FIT because I need a 2.5 to keep the scholarship, and frankly I'm not seeing the possibility of going to school next semester without it. I was all distressed, I wanted to cry and give up after 7 of 8 weeks spent in vain. Needless to say, after that it was nearly impossible to study. All that time for nothing? How/Why do I keep doing this kind of stuff to myself? The easiest class I have, which is some computer thing for only 1 credit hour, is the class I'm doing the worst in. I'm trying to bring my grade up to a D yall. That is plain ridiculous.

And if i don't pass the class, that will not only put my scholarship in jeaopordy again, but will complicate my process of going to ISU, which is already complicated enough. I have given up on the idea of Knox, and have finally come to terms with my future at ISU. But I have NO idea of what to do, when to do it, and where to do it. I (wisely) saved everything they sent me from the time I got my acceptance letter, but it seems I should have gotten some stuff that I didn't. So I'm lost. I don't know what to do first, I don't know if I'm gonna stay in the dorms, I don't know if I'm gonna get financial aid, I don't know anything. I'm not used to this situation, because Eliz is the person who figures out the unknown. If Eliz doesn't know, she will figure the thang out on her own. But this one is stumping me more than Chi-square tests and 2-Prop Z Intervals. It's causing me distress, and I'm upset with my mother for not having gone to college, because she can't even help me :( . None of my people have gone to college, and I don't think they (especially my mother) understand the stress it puts on me. I wish I had someone who had been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt that I could relate to. *sigh* I'm going through this thing pushing a white cane in front of me, and too headstrong to ask for directions.

I even thought about not going to school anymore. Maybe just for a semester, maybe for the rest of my life. Throw away the dreams of Bachelor's and Master's degrees. Find a decent job that makes ends meet, and live like the rest of my family. That would be much easier.

So while trying to study and thinking about all these things, I got a phone call. This male voice said "Do you know who this is?", and I was racking my brain to pick up any vocal clues. Is this somebody who lives here, or maybe some family from down south that I've only talked to once or twice. Is it a friend? A previous classmate? My mother said "It's your cousin Michael."

MIKEY!?!? It was unreal. Mikey and I haven't seen each other in 14 or 15 years. I was crackin up when he said "so I heard you have a sister", cuz that girl is pushing 14 years. I guess you could call it a 'blast from the past' (for lack of better term) hearing from him. I remember it used to be me, Mikey, Dante, and Lil' Scott (or Scotty). Scotty was the oldest, now he's 27. Dante is 25 and Mikey is 23. He has 2 KIDS!!!! It was so unbelievable to talk to him after SO VERY LONG. He was 7 or 8 the last time we saw or talked to each other, and now he is a grown man with kids. I had to resist the urge to call him Mikey, and to refer to Scott as Lil' Scott or Scotty. We talked for a while, doing our best to catch up on 15 years in about 30 minutes. I miss the days when we'd all be at Grandmother's house in Chicago, and they would tickle me to NO END. I honestly think they're the reason why I'm not ticklish now, because they tickled it all out of me. I miss them boys.

Then, while talking to Mikey, my cousin Jerome called on the other line! I had been wondering what happened to Jerome, since I hadn't talked to him in a few months. He and Lil' Scott are about the same age. Anyway, I always love talking to him. It feels good to talk to my father's side of the family.

As for my father, I have to resist the urge of telling him to kiss my nether regions. My mother said she heard from him about a week ago, and I asked what was going on with him. She sighed, looked me in my eyes and said, "Well, he's back at home." My father is an institutionalized individual, so that makes his home anywhere with bars and guards. He's facing a life sentence this time. That makes me SO ANGRY. Not only did he bastardize me, but he decided to then further traumatize my life by attempting to step in every now and then and 'father' me. MoFo, my mother IS my father. You have been USELESS, as a matter of fact the only purpose your life has served is 1) being another freaking STATISTIC, and therefore allowing the negative stereotypes of Blacks to survive 2) Scarring me for life, and 3) breaking my mother's heart. You should have just left us alone to wonder what ever happened to you. That would undoubtedly have been better than your yo-yo half-stepping presence in my life. You are no good. I can't have the memories of sitting on my father's lap, or showering him with loving hugs and kisses. I could never brag about what my father did for a living, I just lied and told people I didnt' know where you were. I STILL lie and tell people I don't know where you are!! And you wanna get mad at ME when you think Im trying to give you a guilt trip. YOU DESERVE A UF-KING GUILT TRIP! If i wasnt raised to respect adults in general, I woulda tore you a new one a LONG time ago. I woulda gone postal on you and done my best to express my years of feeling hurt, rejected, unloved, and bastardized, in verbal form using my best FRENCH, physical form, and psychological form. Remember when I introduced you to Sonia as "my mama's baby daddy"? You got so MAD, but do you think I cared. If my mother wasn't there, I shoulda introduced you as the piece of ish that my DNA is half composed of.

I WISH I COULD HURT YOU.

My father should have been there to regulate my expectations of males. Mabye then I wouldn't have gotten myself involved in the Max situation. Sometimes I don't wanna see his African face, other times I wanna jump his African bones, literally. I have been dealing, and am STILL dealing with this thing. My mother sees him as the victim, and me as the villian. According to her, I broke his heart and played with his emotions. Is she NOT seeing the big picture?? This grown azz man came to me in the freshness of my legal adulthood, exposed me to the experience of his thoroughly excercised adulthood, and then essentially left me haging on the premise of his relationship that I was kept ignorant of. THANKS DUDE. I'm the villian????? What the frell? What did I miss here?

Then, I wanna get a car, but I don't know if I can afford having one. I took a shower today, but apparently the shirt I'm wearing isn't clean. I sniffed it, but I must have only sniffed the one non-smelly spot cuz it smells kinda weird now. That's too bad cuz I gotta wear it alllll day. I'm thinking about a LOT of identity issues concerning race and gender. That alone is enough to preoccupy my thoughts for a lifetime. I was supposed to take 2 big trips this year (Germany and Costa Rica), and the only place I went is to Chicago. My little sister got arrested and my mother thinks it's all her fault. What am I gonna do with my hair? It's hot outside. My mind seems to be stuck in '95. I do wanna jump his bones. Right now. Why can't I lose weight? I still haven't returned that CD to the Library. My fine is gonna be HUGE. I hope I find the other CD I lost of theirs. I need some clothes. I'm afraid to dream. Why dont' they make a GOOD 90's hits CD with SWV, Aaliyah, Diggable Planets, Hammer, and Escape on it? I have all of this stuff on my mind.

"That right there could drive a sane man bizzerk"

Dear You pt. 2
(Pieces of Me)

Hi. I know I just wrote a letter to you, but another one is definately due. Remember how I asked you to please stay out of my thoughts? I meant that, but I guess you don't want to comply. I saw you yesterday at the White Castle in Kankakee. All I wanted was to get some cheeseburgers and take them back home to enjoy, and here you go, coming up in there in somebody else's body. Your posture, your build, your face, even your hat. But somebody else's body. You had the audasity to walk up in that place like you owned it, and didn't even look at me. Not even out of the corner of your eye! You acted like I wasn't even there. That was cruel, I just want you to know. Also, I don't appreciate you following me around like that.

You seem to be doing a lot of that lately, following me around in your subtle ways. Disguising yourself in other people's bodies, manifesting yourself in their ways. And you only do little things that I would pick up on. A certain walk, that peculiar posture, your familiar scent, the shape of your body. You know I'm gonna notice, so that's why you do it. Repeatedly.

Why are you doing this to me? Does it satisfy you to see the look of shock in my eyes while I'm attempting to stare at you without being seen? Or is it that you enjoy teasing me with pieces of your presence to make my heart ache? Why do you keep making me feel this way?

Maybe its because you know I miss you, and you don't want me to stop missing you, whereas I would appreciate stopping missing you. In that case, I should do the same to you. I should start popping up everywhere you go, with little pieces of myself that you know. My headwrap. My earring. My facial expressions. My laugh. Then see how you deal. Then see how you like a taste of your own medicine.

You're good, because I haven't yet figured out how you do this. I don't know how to follow you, or even precede you and show you these pieces of me. I don't know how to be where you are at any given time of day. I just don't know.

I just don't know.

It is unfair for you to manipulate my feelings without even BEING HERE!
Meanie.

Dear You

You know who you are, so don't even be lookin crazy. How are you doing? I'm not asking this question for conversational reasons, but because I really want to know. I haven't seen you in such a long time! Where are you??

I still think about you. Like, everyday. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, but I do know that I miss you. Maybe if I even knew where you were it would help, but I guess it doesn't matter, because I don't. Anyway, you might be wondering what this letter is for, so let me take out the guesswork. This is one attempt of many to get what I think I'm looking for: closure. I'm not sure, but this must be what I need to "get over you". I'm not even sure if getting over you is what I'm trying to do, but I'm figuring that must be it. I know you probably think I am a confused little girl, but to be honest I usually only get this way when it comes to you. You kinda make me lose my thoughts, and to question things to the point of no return. And when you rebut my points with your points, that makes it all the worse. I find it difficult to explain things to you, although I know you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. That is one thing that I don't miss, because it makes me feel confused and kind of. . .intelectually inferior. That's not cool with me.

But back to closure. I'm not sure what closure entails, so I looked it up. Closure-to bring to an end.

What exactly am I trying to bring to an end? Well, I think mostly I want to stop the variety of emotions that I feel when I think of you. They range from joyous to loved to confusion to anger to sexual to used. That's a lot to deal with, especially just in the spaces of my mind. But how can I tell you that? How can I deal with that? How can I get closure?

It's not that I mind thinking of you, because I know I will NEVER forget you. I might forget what you look like, to be honest I do that now, but I cannot forget you. With that, I know that memories have attatched emotions, so is it really possible to think of you without this flood of emotion? You, am I trying to do something that is impossible??

Perhaps closure should have come with the announcment of your marriage. I was shocked beyond belief, but of course I couldn't show you. I'm good like that. You probably saw right through me though, you know how we have that Libran intuition thing. I knew that you had to take care of your business by marrying her, but it made me quite sad. (Darn you, you're making me tear up right now!!) I was hurt because...well, I don't really know why. I guess you being married extinguishes all possibilities of us (rightfully) being together. I knew I would never have you again, and if I did the consequences would not be worth it for both of us, and for your wife.

Closure did not come.

Sometimes I really wish I could be with you again. Remember the time at your house when you put on some of your music, I think it was some Rumba thing, and you started dancing? You move quite smoothly sir. I was thinking to myself "oooo, look at this brotha move! Ol boi can dance!" I wanted to dance too, but I didn't know how to dance like that, and I didn't want you to have to show me, and me get all tied up in my footsteps and what-not, so I just sat there looking at you. It would be nice to see you dance again. That memory always makes me smile.

At times like that I enjoyed being with you. And when we watched the fireworks? Man, that was the BEST 4th of July I've had since moving here. I thank you for that. But sometimes, I didn't like being with you. Especially when it came to SEX. You know and I know that I NEVER planned on/wanted to have sex with you. I gave you the whole "waiting for marriage" speech, and I knew you weren't tryin to hear it. I didn't care. I was determined to stand my ground, and I did for a relatively long time. If not for that trying period in my life, you sir, wouldnta got NOTHIN. But that trying period did come. I didn't understand you and the sex thing. Yea yea, I know you have desires and all that, but is it not possible to put them aside? Sometimes I needed you to just talk to me, and not touch me. Okay, sometimes I needed (well, wanted) the touching too, but climax vs. conversation, the latter is what I woulda chose. Now, I do want you back in a sexual way. I want to touch you, smell you, kiss you. . .lets not get myself worked up, this will turn into a whole nother letter. But that is your fault. YOU awoke this demon in me, and left me with it! Um, excuse me, what the heck am I supposed to do?????? Gawd, I could slap you upside the head for that! (and no, not the little head)

But, this problem cannot solely be acredited to you. I should never have let things escalate to that point, or any point near that point. BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING! And you knew that. But did you care? NO. You did not care, and that hurts because you should have. How could you exploit me in my naivete? Is that okay with you? Do you sleep fine at night? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL CARE AND CONCERN FROM SOMEONE WHO KEEPS TRYIN TO GET IN MY JEANS???

Dang.

Can you answer that for me? And don't give me that jive of "Because I love you, I wanna have sex with you" because I'm certainly not buying it. That is what I call BS and I certainly have been wearing boots up to my waist trying to sift through it. Did you ever really care, or was it all a facade? If so , I don't appreciate that at all. But then, like you said, if all you wanted was a lil' sum sum, you coulda got that anywhere. I believe that.

All the "I love you"'s and I'm in love with you's, yes I heard them, but I never ever believed them. And for the record, lets clarify that the two are not completely synonomous. I never said I was in love with you, because I never was. As a matter of fact, I don't think I liked you all that much when we were together, but I think I mostly kept seeing you just to see what would happen next. It wasn't the conversations that kept me. It wasn't the orgasms. It wasn't the mediocre/unsatisfying sex. And I was unimpressed by your money. I was however, impressed by your hardworking-ness.

That was something I always admired about you, you would work so hard. You were mature and responsible, and so many men (and people in general) are not like that. You took care of your business like a MAN, and I respect that. I give you mad props. I also appreciated your intellect. You never tried to act like you knew everything, but intellect can always shine through. Your intellect+that African wisdom thing= HOTNESS. Now THAT makes my eyes roll back and my toes curl. Woo yes! And of course, I cannot leave out what I call 'our intuition'. I acredit it to us both being Libras, even though I'm not all about the zodiac stuff. Libras are known for having a 'sixth sense' sort of thing, and yours combined with mine was such a cool experience. It was like we could completely read each other's minds, even though we weren't that tight. It was thrilling.

But alas, all that is over now. You must move on with your life, and me with mine. As far as closure, I don't know about that. If you could, maybe stay out of my mind for the most part. Once or twice a month would be plenty of thought, and after time we can reduce. That would do fine for closure, I don't ask for much.

I wish you a happy life with your wife, please treat her well. I know you love her. I hope your kids are beautiful and healthy. I hope that you remain in good health as well. Perhaps we will see each other around.

Goodbye.

Elizabeth

One Woman Band

I am a fine musician, that's what people say
and you can tell by the music in my sway

For some reason, today my walk is especially noisy.
My flip flops *scritch flop, scratch plop* (no matter how hard I try, dragging my feet in flip-flops is inevitable).
My purse *clunk, clunk* with all its keys, pills, balms, coins, and undiscovered contents hitting my thigh with each step.
My jeans *whoomp whoomp* as each flare leg hits the other.
My bookbag *thump thump* thanks to the pack of ramen noodles I have housed in a plastic storage container.

Timbaland and Magoo can't touch me!!

In other news, I'm looking for a new hairdo. I've been doing some searching lately, for new do's and also some good products. I think I'm gonna try this Sta-Sof-Fro stuff. I've read a few good things about it on product reviews. Seems to work well for natural hair, and doesnt cost too much.

I like these styles a lot, and can really see myself rocking both of em. What do you think? I'm more partial to the Bantu Knots, mostly because they are something you don't see as often. I'd like to be able to do them myself, but we'll see how that goes. I need to do something though. My mane is a mess. I've been trying to wear this curly/free naps/afro thing, but its starting to feel supa dry, especially after I decided to try and color it. Well, the color didn't show much, but the dryness sure did. Instead of cute-ness, I've got a hot-mess. Ah well, for some reason I still get compliments on it, though mostly from those of what my mother calls "the caucasian persuasion" lol. They tell me how "cool" it looks, and my face smiles and my lips thank them. Really, I'm thinking "Whatchu talkin bout Willis??" But I guess it could be worse.

City Bus Philosopy
(God definately has a sense of humor.)

I was riding the bus to school yesterday morning. It was the same as most other mornings: hit the snooze twice before waking up, then rush to get ready to leave by 7, speedwalk/jog to the bus stop and pray the whole way that I don't miss the bus. Regular morning.

Well, this particular day my prayers didn't exactly work. As I was half a block away from the bus stop, I saw the bus zoom by. This is not cool when I have just speed-walked 5.5 blocks. I make the long trudge back home, lugging my bag and purse, which are killing my shoulders, and wearing the same sandals I said I would never walk signifigant distances in again.

The next bus I took was the one that comes right by my house. For some reason, I almost missed that one too. As I was about to cross the street (2-way traffic) I saw it approaching, and I seriously had to weigh the pros and cons of nearly getting hit by a car to catch the bus, or missing statistics class. Well, nevertheless I made it to class.

Two women that also go to my school were on there, talking about classes and general chit-chat. When one mentioned that she was taking philosophy, I immediately thought of 2ra. She (let's call her Myrtle) talked about how much she hated it, the other woman (lets call her Kim) wholeheartedly agreed.

Kim: I hate philosophy! Gawd, its the worst! Have you leaned about
Socrates yet? ooo, ooo, did you learn about SoandSo's theory on this?? or what
about What'shisname's theory on that?? OH MAN I HATE PHILOSOPHY!!!!!

Yeah. She was awfully enthused about this philosophy thing. Tina had a look of contained freaked-outness as Kim rambled and rambled, and became louder and louder. She went on her own tangent, completely leaving Myrtle behind, about every philosophical theory she could think of on the spot, and whose theory it was, and what it meant. I'm tellin ya, she really hated philosophy.

I'm telling you, this woman was so animated, loud, and excited you wouldn't believe it. She then asked Myrtle,
"Do you know what the ultimate philosophical question is?"
Myrtyle, with a look of scared-confusedness replied,
"Um, no."
Kim with her LOUD self said,
"DOES GOD LUV IT BECUZ ITS GOOD, O IZ IT GOOD BECUZ GOD LUVS IT?!?!?!"
as if she had just made a profound declaration of the end-all of everything that is deep. Yeah.

Bus Driver: Well I don't really know.
Myrtle: Hm, well I guess. . .
Kim: YEA, SEE, I TOLD YA. YOO CAN'T FIGGA IT OUT!
Bus Driver: It could be either one, because God can do anything he wants.
Kim: YEA! HE CAN EVEN MICROWAVE A BURRITO SO HOT THAT EVEN HE COULDN'T EAT IT!
BUT THEN HE COULDN'T EAT IT.
SO DEN, CAN HE REALLY DO ANTHING??

Kim the proceeded to crack up and bust a gut at her own joke. She was both the comedian and entire comic-view audience. I woulda turned Apollo up in that mug, and dragged her crazy self off the bus. Her city-bus philosophy was just too much for me. I figured it would be better to stay quiet and blogaboutit.

I wish you coulda been there.

Dream On

What is a dream
but a bubble in the space of my mind?
Fragile, iridescent, transparent
floating in time

What is a dream
but my lifeline?
though deferred making hearts ill,
to defer a dream can kill

For it is by our dreams
that we aspire
to grasp the unreachable
teach the unteachable
go where we've never been before
by our dreams we are unstoppable
didn't you know?

What is a dream
but a shiny pretty thing?
sparkling in rays of hope
dimming in light of reality

What is a dream
but foundation for everything

For it is by our dreams that we achieve
for what has ability without support of dreams?
The world is made greater because of these
see the influence of Ghandi and King?
Even they have no more power than we
but were able both to see and believe
in the power of their dreams

So, what then is a dream
but life-both to the world and us
Fear not ambitious reveries
Dream on! Dream on we must!

Zzzzzzzzzzzz. . .

Problem: I cannot stay awake in my statistics class. It's not that it's so boring, its me. It's not that I don't sleep at night, because I usually do. I don't know what it is, but its getting to a ridiculous point. Yesterday it was so bad that I left class halfway through because I could literally stay awake for only 5 or so minutes at a time before dozing off. I fight the sleep so so hard, but its like I'm a classroom narcaleptic, and it's really becoming a problem. And you should see my notes. Nothing like that drifting off to sleep writing. But I've tried everything to keep myself awake! I tried drinking something to awaken my senses, shaking my leg, tapping my foot, stretching, breathing deep to get some oxygen to my brain, biting my lip or tongue, doodling, even putting my bare foot or leg on the freezing cold pole that holds up the table to shock the mess out of myself. Nothing works.

Then to add fuel to the fire, I drank an orange Mountain Dew last night at work (I was tired ok!). It took me forever to get to sleep, and all I could think was "I'm so not gonna be able to stay awake in class tomorrow". I even cried because of my plight, but eventually I slept.

Solution: I hate to resort to this, but something's gotta give. I'd rather not go this route, but I have no other choice. NoDoz has again become my drug of choice. I only turn to it in extreme cases, i.e. last spring semester when I would'nt sleep the whole night to finish a paper/speech due the next day at 8 a.m. only to face a whole nother day of classes and work. Extreme right? I figured if I took one shortly after I wake up (6 something) then by 8:00 it should be in my system and working quite nicely. Today I stayed awake.

However, even though I was indeed awake, and am still awake, I feel so strange. I feel like my body is really sleeping. It feels like my eyelids are heavy, and about to drop to a close, but are being yanked wide open by the fingers of my caffeine pills. *sigh* I don't like this but I feel like I have to do it. If you know of anything else I can do to help myself stay awake, please help a sista out. Please.

Pleeease.

Hooooold Up

You've got to be kidding me!

I'm in the computer lab, and somebody's cell phone went off. First of all, it was loud and should have been put on vibrate. But no. And of course it had to ring with a ringtone. All I heard was a couple of strange beats, then a loud male whine of AWWWWWW, DIRTY POP!

Dirty Pop??? Of all the ringtones (realtones, not that polyphonic junk) you need to pick Dirty Pop? I would not normally be mad if a cell phone rang in the lab, its not like I'm really doing anything important. However, my belief is that if you wish to keep your ringer on, on its loudest setting, at least get some good music on there! Something I can bop my head to and a song I won't mind being stuck in my head all day.

Dirty Pop does not fall into that category.

So I whip my head around to see who's phone is Dirty Pop'in, expecting to see some young, fresh out of highschool white girl with a pink flip phone that has a light-up antenna. Imagine my surprise when I see a 20-something MAN answer the call. A grown man bumpin Dirty Pop on his cell phone? What's next? "I Want You Back", or "Bye, Bye, Bye"?

Scary man, Scary

ah, the glory of the opposable thumb

Today my statistics teacher spent about 10 minutes in a discussion about today's generation's dexterity of thumbs. I lie not. It started with him asking us which do we use more, the index finger or the thumb?

His father, who is a construction worker, noticed this boy keying in the garage code with his thumb, and thought it quite strange. Strange, because the father himself would have keyed in the code with his index finger.

He then came upon the realization that today's generation use their thumbs more than his own. This attributed mostly to video games, where thumbs are, of course, most handy. Most people also use their thumbs to punch in numbers on their cell phones. (I have seen those in older generations use their fingers to type on their cell phone, and yes, it looks quite silly.) Then the teacher asked, which do you use when operating your calculator?

I laughed to myself. I use my fingers of course! What madness is this?? But some fear embedded in the back of my mind knew there must be some validity to this question. I held my calculator in my hand, slid it into its cover, and preceded to turn it on.

WITH MY THUMB!!!!

Surely this was not right, he must've tricked me into using the opposable phalange! But as I continued to feverishly type in random numbers, It was all thumb, thumb, thumb!!

I was distraught
I was dissapointed in myself
I cried.

Then I realized that yes, I can proudly say I use my thumbs on a daily basis, and so what? Besides, taking an observational stance, I conclude that thumbs are primarily used when the fingers are occupied. The new trend is, the fingers hold, the thumbs get ta workin'.

It all makes sense!
(after that, I preceded to fall asleep during the lecture on Table B, Random Digits)

Unfinished

one mug of tepid tea
a thousand crumbs from cut french bread
knife still readied to butter
left in haste

scraps from a new dress carelessly strewn
multicolored threads decorate wooden floors
opened scissors, straight pins piercing the tomato
quickly forgotten

one page,one pen
a thousand floating thoughts
tens of fleeing words
never completely caught
-lyric

Guurl, What You Done Did???

I cannot believe myself. For someone who sees such a great future for herself, I sure am regressing. I dub this semester as the worst of all since my academic career, and because of it I am seriously ready to drop out. I feel like my life is over.

I got 3 B's and 3 F's. How is that even possible? No A's C's or D's. Just B's and F's. I could whoop myself for this.

I try not to think about it, but I must. When I do, it's just a slippery slope.

How could I do so hooribly this semester? Don't I ever learn? Now, I am more credits behind from graduating Heartland, which means I'll have to take another summer class. But I probably won't be able to because I will lose my scholarship. WHY? Because apparently I made big mistakes this semester. No scholarship, and I still haven't filed my FAFSA, which means I'll probably get NO financial aid, and I certainly can't afford to go to school otherwise, cuz I'm not having my mother pay a dime for it, which means I won't go to school for probably a year, which will put me so behind with my life plans. I might as well just work for the rest of my life. My life is over.

I choke back alligator tears, because they will not help me. I done did it now.

So Far, So Good

Today has been a good day. I anticipated starting the day around 10:00, but for one reason or another (I blame the T.V.), I didn't actually leave until 1:30. Slight delay, but no problem. I carried with me my to-do list and have been crossing things off one by one.

Call Knox- I got this one out of the way before I left the house. I called them once again to check on the status of my application. This time, insead of telling me that she didn't know, the secretary connected me right to an advisor. The advisor told me that the admission decision had been made and that a letter was sent out today. Hopefully within a couple of days I should know. The suspense is gone, I'm now ready to accept my postion as either a Redbird or as a. . .um. . .Knox student (I have no idea what their mascot is). Either way, its about time.

Pick up English portfolio- I went out to the school today to pick up my portfolio from english class. It was a tough semester and I was just hoping the teacher would have enough mercy on me to give me a C. I kinda slacked, and I turned 2 papers in way late-one was over a month late, and both of them were turned in just days before the final portfolio was due. I just prayed for favor and that the Lord would have his way. I read through the comments on the rubric, "variety-yes! good choices on audience! good choices on forum! voice definately presents own ideas! good critical thinking skills!" There were lots of exclamation marks. Portfolio grade: 88% B. Course grade: B. Expression of gratitude: gradeless. . .lol

Here's to hoping the rest of my to-do list and day go just as well
*Cheers!*

Cual Expresion?

Cuss, scream, shout
girl, just let it all out
kick and cry and fight and scream
show them what you really mean

Hush now
swallow those tears down
choke it up,take it like you're tough
noone knows when you cry in your soul

Grab a paper, grab a pen
write those feelings down and then
read it to yourself, share it with a friend
Even if only you can comprehend

Feel release and ease of stress
allow yourself to express yourself
in actions, introversion, or some verbs and
then move on with life.

I'm Exhausted

It is officially time for my body to get a rest. I am becoming fatigued ya'll. I have been pushing my body so hard. I've been staying up late at night in the library working on papers and projects, waking up and going to school early to work on more stuff, going to class, going straight to work, then going back to the library.

I'm even at the library now. And I'm tired. I'm so tired that I can't even see the screen very well and I certainly can't focus to do my work.

In other news though, I finished my portfolio for photograpy today. (YAY!!!!) That lifts a little burden off of me. Tomorrow my English portfolio is due (BOOOO!!!), but once that is done it will be a relief too. That is, once it's done.

Update:
I still haven't heard ANYTHING from Knox College, what is really going on? Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I almost don't even want to go there anymore. They are playing games with me and I hate games. I'm about ready to settle and join "Redbird Country" lol.

I saw Mike George today! I was going in for work at The Buckle and he was in there. I don't think I've seen ol boy since high school, so it was a nice surprise. He's doing well in school (3.0 GPA) and he's going to Bethune-Cookman College in Daytona Beach. Lucky bum. I told him how lucky he was to be going to school in a good climate, and he said "It's hot down there!!" I said "So?? It's cold here. We just started getting consistent nice weather." Do you know what that N*gga said? "It gets cold in Florida too! We got down to 40 degrees!! And then we're by the water too, so we have the cold air coming off the water."

Okay dude. First of all, I know Florida is not getting colder than the Midwest. Second of all, you can't tell me NOTHING about cold air coming off of water until you spend a couple of winters in Chi-town. Bloomington Blackfolks done forgot where they came from. . .lol

Speaking of where I came from, (how many of ya'll know where this is going? :D), sitting here in the computer lab, I see this african guy walk in. (muahaahahahaaaa!) He looks around for an open computer, and I notice he is smiling HARD. I swear, this is the most hardcore smiling I've seen all day! He comes and sits right across from me, and for the first 5 minutes, we kept glancing at each other over our screens. When I feel his eyes on me, I literally have to fight not to look at him back, cuz then he'll see me and think that I'm just looking at him just to be looking, but I'm really only looking because he is. *phew* He has nice skin though, and very gentle eyes. . . ok, ima quit :D

I am still exhausted, but with the help of my Pepsi Vanilla and relieving some blog-worthy thoughts, perhaps I can work.

In Need of a Miracle

So, I just got done calculating what my GPA could be for this semester. This is not good my friends. Throughout the semester, I completely forgot that my scholarship wants me to maintain a 2.5 GPA each semester. I was going about, trying to do my best but I just gave up here at the end. I decided to drop out of my stats class. Not drop the class, like before the deadline, or even withdraw, nah, just decided to fail out of it. HOW COME NOBODY STOPPED ME????? I didn't know what the heck I was doing. At least if I would've stuck it out I could've gotten a D and that would've helped my GPA a little bit. But no. My guitar class, had lots of trouble with that too. Almost dropped out of it too, but I recently emailed the teacher and pretty much begged him to let me reconsider my decision. So there's hope for me to get a D out of that too. So, calculating best-case scenario, I'll either get a 1.7 or a 1.94.

The difference between the 2 depends on my interpersonal communications class. The teacher and I have a good bond, I've even given her marriage and parent counseling (you know how I do). If I can get my B to an A, I'll be that much closer.

Even still, a 1.94 isn't a 2.5!!!!! My hope is that they don't go by the semester GPA, but by the cumulative. If they go by the former, I will lose my scholarship!!!!

I'm in need of a miracle. I'm just going to pray, do my best to finish these last papers and projects, and trust in the Lord.

A part of me has peace about this. Getting worked up will not change my situation, it will only add more stress. Besides, I know everything happens for a reason and there may be a reason why I'm going through this.

Another part is beating me to a bloody pulp for being so STUPID and unfocused and not passing all 18 of those hours with at least a B. I should be able to do this. How could I be so incompetent? Especially with a SCHOLARSHIP on the line! DOOFUS...

The last part is telling me it's not fair. It's not fair that I have to work and go to school. It's not fair to have so much on my plate. It's not fair that I have to be a first generation college student, going about this thing so blindly. It's still my fault, but it's not fair!!!! How come nobody told me the things that could've helped so much (besides "that's way too many classes")?? whyyy :(

I'm trying to hold to the peaceful part of me. Nevertheless, I am in need of a miracle.

Conversations With Myself

conversations with self
one-way dialouge channeled into creativity
but noone hears waht I'm sayin
because they're not me
so I just
converse with myself
repeating the thought, repeating the thought, repeating the thought, repeating the thought
making the most of a minimalist
then I write it down
its like a list
and maybe format it
CAPITALIZE it as I prophecy it
making the most of a minimalist
noone but me can tell the difference,
which is why I converse with myself
needing to let go and just be
comfortable with me
from the color of my skin and my nappy hair
to my innermost desires and feelings felt when I find someone who cares
and noone but me really hears what I'm sayin
but I talk anyway,
having conversations with myself
repeating the thought, repeating the thought, repeating the thought, repeating it
making tedious dots of a minimalist
it's only me who's hearing this.
-Lyric

it was so considerate
and it meant so much to me
when she took out a stick of gum
and gave me half a piece

And even though at times she says
the most random, blonde-headed things
she listens when I talk

Back In The Day, When I Was Young- I'm Not a Kid Anymore, But Some Days I Sit and Wish I Was a Kid Again. . .

Recently, HumanityCritic did this GREAT post about childhood toys. I could relate with some of the toys, especially the BigWheel, but seeing as I'm probably at least 10 years younger than he is, I have a list of my own childhood toy memories. The late 80's/early 90's had so many good toys (even though I never got some of these, they bombarded Saturday Morning cartoons and my friends had some of them). . .

Klick Klacks
Or at least that's what we called them in Chicago. Man, this was one of the best toys I can remember. There was one stick in the middle, and on each side there was basically a triangle attatched to a ball. The goal was to move your hand up and down, and make the balls hit each other, making a "klick klack" noise. If you weren't good at it though, both triangles would just swirl around the stick and there was no klicking or klacking goin on.

Skip It
I wanted a Skip It sooooo bad!!!! I still remember the song "Skip It, Skip It. . The very best thing of all/Is there's a counter on the ball/So SkipIt! SkipIt!" You stick your foot in the little circle part, and then there's a stick (or a rope, depending on what version you had) with a ball on the end. You would make the apparatus swirl around your ankle and when the stick part would come to your foot, you'd have to jump up (skip) with that other leg so it wouldn't hit you. Yeeah, my SkipIt was a hula hoop. If you know what I'm talkin about, then skip on witcha bad self.

My Buddy/ Kid Sister
This is DEFINATELY 80's. My Buddy was the boy, and Kid Sister was the girl. Now that I think about it, they didn't do anything special, they didn't even look too cute, but MAN I wanted one. Maybe because they were marketed as that cool toy you could just take anywhere and actually kinda 'hang out' with. All the commercials showed the little girls playing tea party with Kid Sister, and the little boys outside chillin with My Buddy. They were pretty big, so that made them even more 'real' I guess. Also, at the time I didn't have a sister, but I wanted one, and what could've been better than Kid Sister???

Even though all those toys were great, and bring back great childhood memories, nothing beats a good ol' double dutch rope (a.k.a. clothesline lol).
"G-I- Gipsy, where she been? She been around the world and back again. . ."
"D-I-S-H/D-I-S-H-/D- for double dutch/I-for irish/S for single (?)/H-for hops. . ."
"12 times 12 is a hundred-forty four/When the bed breaks down you can do it on the floor. . ."

Jump rope rhymes and hand games, thats a whole nother post!

Silentium!
-Tyutchev

I found this song yesterday, and apparently it's a negro spiritual. When I read it, it literally brought tears to my eyes, because it captured the feelins of my whole day, and really of so many times in my life. My favorite is the second stanza. I have declared Silentium! as my anthem.

Silentium!

Speak not, lie deep, do not reveal
Things that you wish or things that you feel;
Within your soul's protected mine
Let them ascend and then decline,
Like silent stars in heaven bleak;
Admire their sheen-but do not speak.

How can a heart be put in words?
By others-how can one be heard?
Will people know what you live by?
A thought expressed becomes a lie.
Don't muddy springs that are unique:
Drink from their depth-but do not speak.

Live only in yourself encased;
Your soul contains a world of chaste,
Mysterious thoughts, which outside noise
Robs of their magic and destroys;
The rays of morning make them weak-
Enjoy their song but do not speak.

Poema

Married Man

Look at that
Married Man
Man, with no ring on his hand
Decieving
my mind into thinking
that he could be mine again.
But, he's a Married Man
Man, with no ring on his lovely hand
no wife on his arm
still possesing that charm
that I appreciated once he was gone.
That Married Man
Man, with no ring on his hardworking hand
man etched into my emotions,
sketched into my skin
man that I made love to
And yes that man is him
Yes, he
is
that Married Man
A Married Man with no ring on his hand.