Gimme a Reason

Why do I do the things I do?
*shrug* Don't ask me!

Ever since I was little I can remember getting in trouble for answering, "I don't know" to my stepfather's drilling questions. Imagine 7 or 8 year old me with a grown man yelling in my face asking me why I did this or that. Why did I not turn in my homework assignments? I don't know. Why was I talking in class? I don't know. Why didn't I fold the clothes in my drawers? I don't know!

Then I would get, "Everything has a reason, so what' s your reason?" or, "You DO know". But when I would timidly explain WHY I didn't do what I was supposed to, or WHY I did something wrong, I got in trouble! Why didn't I turn in the homework? Cuz I didn't do it. Why didn't I do it? Cuz I didn't feel like it. Oh wait, now I'm talking back. "I don't know" serves me much better thank you.

But really, sometimes I don't know why I do what I do. I just do some things because I want to. And really, does everything need an explanation? I thinketh not. Sometimes it is simply too difficult to examine why you do what you do because the reasons are beyond your scope of knowledge.

Let's bring it home to the real issue at hand, which is my relationship with Friendboy. I have made the decision (again, but for real this time *wink*) to let this 'thing' go. Then someone asks me why I'm in this relationship in the first place. To be honest, no reasons came to mind. Why did I, ELR, get involved with this dude on a 'friendship with benefits' level? Did I desire a friendship with benefits? Not really. Was it because I was merely looking for benefits? Nope, can't say that's it. It was like eating something because it's in front of you. Not because you're hungry or have an appetite, but just becuase it's there. Some people call that greedy, so in that case maybe you could say I'm in this because I'm greedy.

But now I want out. I want to stop eating because it's just not that good, and I don't desire it anymore. The relationship just doesn't suit me, and my needs are not being met. So I need to let it go.

The sad thing is, letting go is difficult especially when I don't have anything dramatic that is swaying me to stay or go. If my needs were being met and I felt fulfilled by being with him, I would definately stay. If we had a fight or he pushed me over the edge, I would definately go. But now. . .it's nothing extreme at all, and sometimes I find myself going back for the same reason that I got in this in the first place. That reason that I don't know.

But this time, I'm comitted to leaving it alone, and I even have reasons why! But why I got in it in the first place, the world may never know.

He's No Melody

He's no complicated, off-key melody
the song that can't be sang the same way twice.

He is the poetry to my flow
He knows the words to the tune I wrote

And as our thoughts twist, turn, tumble, rubix-cube rumble,
all colored squares fall together on the same sides

Yin and Yang fuse together in their balanced harmonies as great minds do what they do
cuz, that's just what ours do

Telepathic connections stronger than the ocean tides that separate us
And those tides play their part
We must just
continue to ride this tangled web of communication, for we always seem to meet at the same point in time as our minds see fit

and let our fingers do our minds' dirty work

But see, I can only tap into the melody
my heart sings this grateful, happy, sad, longing song
of trials, injustices, rights, wrongs, theories, prophecies, and everything inbetween
And each note drifts into the wind, colored, solid, and strong

It is he who writes the score
and turns simple sincere sweet melodies into classic literature
Concisely assigning his divine dictation to every single note with authority
cuz he knows what he's talkin bout

And together, if anyone it is we who have the authority
to direct the greatest of operas and symphonies
Tchiakovsky, Beethoven, and Chopin have nothing on us!
Our work can piece the ears and hearts and move the bodies of the masses
We too can make them lean, rock, snap their fingers, slide and/or cha-cha, dip, roll, and get low, all for the cause

But, we'll just keep writing our own songs.

-Lyric

Ah, Those Tender Kisses

caress my neck
whisper in my ear
tease my breasts
soften my will

tickle my toes
tantalize my thighs
innermost places those
kissed, feel so right

Yes, I remember.

they caressed my neck
whispered in my ear
teased my breasts
softened my will

-Lyric

If you had a baby with him, would you keep it?

*sigh* it has come again to that time that every sexually active female has experienced at one time or another.

What if I'm pregnant?!?

Not that I think that I am, but there is always that irrational fear, especially when that fear has a possibility of being true. Stuff that wouldn't normally worry you so much gets you MAD thinking. "hmm, I have been really tired lately. Why am I so hungry? Ugh, I feel nauseated. Could I be. . .???"

Fellas, TRUST it is an awful feelng and if you and your girl are knockin' da boots, I can assure you that she's thought about it. She has also played out in her head if she would keep the child and how the situation would affect her life. Will the guy take responsibility? Am I going to be a single parent? What about my career/schooling? What are my family/friends going to think? Would my baby be cute? (lol ok that one is minor).

I was asked if I would keep the child in the COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL situation that Friendboy and I had one, and of course I would. I mean, I would keep it anyway, but I do think that Friendboy is a decent candidate for fatherhood. However, the thought saddens me. I don't want to be connected to him for the rest of my life for that reason.

Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy. Just today I was talking to his sister and she told me he was taking her out for her birthday tomorrow. How sweet is that? It got me thinking how much I would love to have a big brother to do the same for me. I've always wanted a big brother, and I think one of the main reasons why has to do with the whole absentee father issue *shakes fist at father* BLAST!!

One of my main relationship concerns is whether or not I am looking for a person to kind of replace that fatherly role, and I would have to say that part of me is. I want that person who will take care of me, love me, comfort me, and provide for me even though I don't need him to. The person who can see through my tough skin to my heart. As LL Cool J said, "I need LOVE". Now, let's clarify before we get too far. I am not looking for love, neither do I plan/desire to find it ANYTIME soon, but one day yes. I do want a man who desires to take care of me and showers me with attention and in turn I will do the same for him. I would have no problem at all "catering to" a man who took care of my needs.

But, uuuum. . .He's not that man. While he has many good carachteristics (sp?), I don't think he can handle my very special needs. Especially not now. To be honest, he can't handle the simple needs now, like giving me attention (and I don't ask for much. just give a sista a call ery now and then) so I know the complex ones would be WAY out of the question in the event that something happened to bring us closer together. As a matter of fact, the thought of it is making me sad right now.

So, the smart and rational thing to do would be to leave him alone so that nothing of the sort ever happens *nod*. As a matter of fact, I have vowed not to call him again until he gets his keep-in-touch act together (I mean, can I at least get a message on my Facebook wall?). Okay, kinda broke that rule last night when the roomie was gonna be gone and I wanted some company, but I get to break the rule once.

But anyway, yea I'd keep it. But hopefully we won't have to worry about anything of the sort.

Ay, Dios Mio. . .ADM/OMG

Today I had my first spanish exam in my conversation and culture class. I was a little nerviosa, I'll admit. I mean, I'm only 100% confident in my spanish speaking abilities when talking to. . .well, non-spanish speakers. They are always impressed and yes, sometimes when I'm flowing in espanol to a non-speaker I might throw in some words that don't even fit right if I can't find the word I'm looking for. It's true, and they don't know the difference either way lol. However, seeing that this was an oral exam (hence the conversation part of the class), I couldn't very well do that with the teacher. So, she spreads out these notecards and tells me to chose 2, as each are about a different assignment that we've read, and we will discuss one of them. Hm, just so happens that both of the cards I picked I knew JACK about because they were covered before I got to class (since I came 2 weeks later). I picked the card on "fiestas religiosas" because I figured I knew a lil sum' sum' about it, but I was generalizing like a MUG.

"Pick a religious fiesta and describe it"

Ohhhkay. Hmm lets see. Cinco de Mayo? No no. Er, Quincenera? NO. Gah. Ok I know!!! Three King's Day!. Describe it? "Um, well, there is lots of music and dancing. There is food and they exchange gifts." Precision at its best my dears. Not only is it difficult to improvise with little background knowledge, but to do it in Espanol!? She's looking at me, smiling and encouraging and I can see behind her eyes this "She is so BS'ing". Perhaps it was mirrored from my "I am so BS'ing" expression *shrug*.

Thankfully, it somehow came out of mis labios that I wasn't there for this lecture, so she picked a different card that I definately knew about. "Oh Si!!!" And I began to ramble on and on. What a relief. I got a few points taken off for details of the particular events, but I got full points for fluency and articulation. Yeea Boyee!

On another page, while peeping the Vidette today, I came across an article talking about the campus radio station.

"WZND focuses on cultural appreciation" I read, and I'm thinking GREAT!! I'm all about the appreciation of culture. Then I read, ""Because it is Black History Month we wanted to run something with diversity, but we didn't want to only focus on African Americans ".

What are you talking about?! Black History Month is about Black History. While diversity is great, and I definately encourage it, BHM has to do with BLACK history. If you're going to connect your little program with BHM, make it about Black folk. Simple. ADM!

Ohhh (Friend)Boy
(Lemme break it down)

I consider myself as having always been honest with you. I think that honesty is indeed the best policy, and I simply don't have the deisre within me to decieve someone like you. Having said that, allow me to be honest and please take my words for what they are, as they are.

I like you.

Ok, not a surprise I hope. I say this because I want you to know this, I truly do like you. I think you are such an interesting person, from your background to your present, and even the thought of what the future holds for you is interesting to me. I like you because you are both smart and intelligent (and no, the two are not synonomous) and I believe that allows you to see past the superficiality of many aspects of life that people are turned off by.

That's a turn on.

You are a great person to converse with about deep social, political, and moral issues. Your viewpoints are excellent, and you express them well. In fact, I love the way you express yourself verbally. I could start a conversation just to get you going so I could listen to you talk, and hear what you have to say. There is something intriguing about your words, the way you arrange them, and where they come from as a result of your frame of reference.

It really is a turn on.

I also like the fact that I can, well, read you. I think its a very special thing when a person can read into your soul, and know the unspoken intricacies of your being. I know where your buttons are, what they are, and how to push them with the precise amount of pressure. I must say, one reason I like this is because I feel that it gives me a tremendous amount of power over you. As much as I enjoy that power, please believe that I will not intentionally abuse it unless. . .unless the situation calls for it :) Anyway, I enjoy being able to "read you" because I feel like I have a special insight to who you are and I kinda like what I see.

And that's about it. That's why I like you. I don't like you because you're so foine or anything (which yes, you are handsome). I don't like you because I think you're sexy, or funny, or particularly nice. I don't like you because of your style (*note-burn that dayum do-rag!), or the way you smell, or any of that. Those factors might be some things I like about you, but they are not reasons WHY I like you. Perhaps because I consider them to be superficial, easily changeable, and overall relatively unimportant. I like you for who you are, and I think that is why we have had a good friendship so far.

Now, however, after straddling the fence for a while, we have now crossed the boundaries of mere friendship. I cannot say that this was either intentional or nonintentional on my part. Nevertheless, boundaries have now been crossed, and I wonder where we go from here. Its actually a little strange for me being on this side of the fence, as I am still looking to the friendship side where the grass is far greener instead of facing my own lawn.

My Funny Valentine. . .
Sweet comic Valentine

It's almost that time of year again (why is it that single folks refer to it with such dread?) when people are starting to get all lovey-dovey and buy items that are red and unnecessarily plastered with hearts for the ones they love. Ahh, Valentine's day.

Disclaimer: I am not bitter.

Its just that I would love to be someone's Valentine. I've never been anyone's valentine, with the exception of the 20-30 some odd kids in my elementary school classes each year. But heey, I'm grown now right? I am ready for a Real Valentine.

I am ready for him to call me early on February the 14th and wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. I am ready to meet him for lunch (I do breakfasts, brunches, and dinners as well) where he will present me with flowers and a card (cuz let's face it, Valentine's day is really all about the ladies). He will smile in my face, and I will smile in his, and we shall have a Happy Valentine's day together.

I desire to be swept off my feet and romanced without the ulterior motive of tryin to get in them draws. I desire to be genuinely desired and to be held in high esteem by some man who is equally deserving of my affection.

Perhaps that's where the problem comes in, the whole "equally deserving of my affection" idea. I can honestly say that there are not many, if any, men who fit this description. Are my standards too high? I'm sure they probably are, but they shall not be lowering at all any time soon, if ever.

I can wait for my Valentine, but hopefully when he comes it will be for more than just a day.

Why Dost Thou Hate Me So?!?!?

Here it is, only three days into the semester and I am already coming up on fairly significant roadblocks in my educational journey. Someone has it in for me people, someone has it in for me.

As of now, homegirl yours truly has only registered for 9 credit hours. I was planning on taking 15, but I need at least 12 to be a full-time student and maintain my peace of mind. Ok, I haven't lost my peace of mind, but you know what I'm saying. I desperately wanted to get into a Spanish class, so that I can get started on my minor, seeing that I only have to take 3 classes to complete it. Cool right? Nah. After talking to the advisor who said that registering for the classes would be no problem for me, I went ahead and tried to register.

Ssssskkrrrrrrttttt!!!! eh-eh. NO.

The class was only open to register for majors/minors in the program and Spanish wasn't officially my minor. I couldn't even apply for the minor until January (reminder-put on to-do list) so I don't know why she told me that it would be fine. I emailed her for an override, only to find out I have to get an override from the professors. Okay cool. So here it is, a couple of days before classes start and I'm trying to get an override from the profs. One gave some made up answer that was essentially a big NO, and the other had already given 2 overrides, but said I could attend the class and wait for someone to drop.

Whaat?

So I keep checking the course registration like a fiend, hoping and praying that a spot opens up, because if not, what in the world am I supposed to do? I considered taking a class at Heartland, but I can't even seem to figure out when their late registration ends. I could even take a class at Lincoln, but Lo and Behold, they have no kinda classes for me to be taking. So, true to my fiendish nature, I check the course registration again tonight.

WHAT!? WHAT IS THIS?!? Could my eyes be deceiving me, or could this really be real? One seat open in the spanish class that I need?! HALLELUJAH!!!

I rushed to the registry portal to grab this class before anyone else could get to it when. . .

Sssskkrrrttttt!!! eh-eh. NO!

Registry unavailable they said. Financial Delinquincies they said. Mayn, I'm tellin you I coulda smacked this Dell P.C. right offa this table and gave it something to cry about. I desperately need this class, and I have to do something by tomorrow. I WILL be at the financial aid office first thing crusty eye hair tied morning breath with orange juice bright and early in the morning so they can get my ish straight and hopefully my class will still be there.

Un dia mas...

One more day to go until the end of the semester for me. One would think I'd be more excited, but considering all I still have to do before I get to my break, I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

This should be my last night of the year staying up till ridiculously late hours at Milner Library doing work while trying to keep myself awake because I've wasted so much time on facebook instead of working.

This will be my last time of the year writing a paper on a book that I neither have read nor own.

This will be my last night with the Milner late night crew. A few of us are faithfully here until 2 a.m. at least a few times a week. I say we should get some kind of VIP status but I guess that's not for me to decide.

This should be my last makeshift computer lab dinner (on tonight's menu: cheddar ranch flavor twist fritos and frappuccino. Oatmeal raisin cookie for dessert). No wonder my stomach is always hurting.

To this night I give a toast with my last drops of vanilla Frappuccino.
*cheers*

*sidenote- I love my YahooLaunch station! I forgot I had made one a while ago, and so far it is straight JAMMIN'. It started out with "I believe" by Sounds of Blackness, followed my "Lay your head on my pillow" by Tony! Toni! Tone!. "Feenin" by Jodeci. Erykah Badu "Next Lifetime", then they had the NERVE to play "Let's Chill" by Guy (okay, I never knew who it was by). I was vibin to this song, I didn't remember all the words, but I knew the melody and parts of the chorus. I was all like Aww yeea! when I looked at the date of the song-1990. A throwback, yes. Then I realized I was only 5 years old at that time! But I can remember singing my little butt off to it. That might have been around the time when my mother had to have a little talk with first-grade me singing "oooo ooo ooo ooo, I wanna sex you up!" verbatim. Wooh chile! That was when music was good.

Where have I been??

I didn't realize it until now, but I have seriously been on a whole different page academically for these past few weeks. The week before break all I could focus on was break, then we had break, and the week after break I was trying to get back into the swing of it all, and looking foward to the end. That means I've done next to nothing for the past 3 weeks, and tonight I guess I'll be making up for that.

Where have I been?

For one of the subjects in my notebook I have a whole MONTHs worth of missing notes. The funny thing is that the notes stop on my birthday (9/27) and there are about 20-30 blank pages until the next set of notes which starts in November. Whhhat? I'm thinking I must have torn some notes out, but I hardly have any on this last unit. *gah*

Where have I been?

I forgot to eat today. I didn't remember until I was sitting here in the computer lab wondering why I couldn't focus. I realized I was hungry, and then remembered that I hadn't really eaten since breakfast. How does that happen?

But alas, it's finals week, and I must come back.

2006: What shall the future hold?

2ra and I were talking the other night about our goals/resolutions (I prefer calling them goals) for 2006. She aims for financial stability which I think is a great goal, especially for a 21 yr. old. The jurl is getting her focus on! I likes that ;)

As for me. . .I don't really know what to expect out of 2006, or what to plan for. I usually don't do the whole resolution thing but goal making is a new part of my repertoire. I've been turning over in my head what my goals should be for '06.

Whatever I do in '06, I want to make it a big year. I want it to be a year that when I'm done with it, I won't have to strain to remember what happened in it (as I have with '05) because life changing things will be going down. I want to make it a year of much personal growth. Of course, each goal needs a game plan.

First, I plan on removing the negativity. People, attitudes, even personal behaviors that I despise all need to be purged. I purge negativity on an as needed basis, but '06 is gonna be the year when stuff is gonna straight get CUT OFF if it's bringing me down. I refuse to flirt with negativity and entertain its vices.

I plan on adding positivity. I will surround myself with positive-minded and goal oriented people. People who are going places and making moves. Individuals who are intellectual and conscious and who will add substance to my life. I also plan on making moves of my own. I will be working less, and will have more time to devote to my studies and extra-curricular activities that I would like to do such as volunteering, and focusing more on my duties at church.

I plan on getting professionally involved in my field-Sociology. Fall '06 will mark the beginning of my Senior year *butterflies* and I definately need to be getting experience in by then. Hopefully an internship in the summer, and perhaps a job might open up from that, or from another avenue.

I plan on traveling. I already have a destination in mind, but I'm keeping it low until I get more details. I will however be going somewhere for a period of at least a few weeks. A month would be nice, but you know, school and all.

I plan on being more focused. I definately need to be academically focused, especially since I plan on graduating on time. I need also to be spiritually focused, as my spirituality is a major pat of my being. I need to STAY saved, and to continue to strengthen my spiritual walk with God and carry out his will. I cannot afford to neglect this aspect. I also plan to be more focused in my work, and to strengthen my work ethic (this will be difficult).

I almost forgot. I definately plan on finding and applying to a graduate school *bites nails*. A little scary to think of, but I'm looking forward to it.

At the moment, this is all I can think of, but this is plenty to start with. Playtime is over, and it's high time to be making positive and productive changes in my life.

Lets do this in 2006.

KNOX! KNOX!
YOU KNOCKED ME OFF MY FREAKIN SOCKS!!
couldn't believe I'd found this school
couldn't believe it was so ME
can't believe i wanted it so bad
KNOX! KNOX!
YOU ROCKED MY FREAKIN SOCKS!!
I was willing to ignore the $32,000 tuition
And the teeny tiny size
because i knew it was the key to my future
and that admission meant that I was smart
probably smarter than them
and I would show ALL OF THEM
that i was gonna be somebody
and that my fears of not being successful
were foolish nightmares
like those of the boogeyman

But i didn't wanna know if my nightmares might come true
so instead of you not chosing me
i didnt choose you.

She misses having me as a friend.
what an honor
it makes me feel special but
it's a little hard being that friend
cuz
she looks to me to show her the way
and sometimes
i ain't goin the right way
or even how
it makes me sad to see her move in with her boyfriend
because she thinks she's in love
and wants to have his baby
and let him stop her from going to school
even though he's a drug dealer
and hurts her when they have sex, but she won't tell him
and i see the sparkle in her brown eyes
and the potential in her smiling freckled face
and I don't want to be the friend who couldn't help her.

I realize that
all of my words
explanations
narrations and
answers
will not give you much of an insight.

I also realize that
though you may walk
5 and a half days in my Payless shoes
your feet will still not be flat and wide.

You feel me?
Maybe.

When I Drink Cola

Upon the first swig, my mouth is rushed with the sensation of aproximately 15,027 tiny, cold, vibrating bubbles.
I am shocked until the sugar gently rolls upon my tongue.
The dark
diluted
syrupy liquid
trickles down my throat,
and the cold bubbly caffeine calms my nerves.
Ahhhhhhhhh,
PepsiCocaRC tastes good to me.

You are asking for too much.

I am supposed to be writing this paper for my minority relations class. It's very interesting, as it is an autobiography and I for one enjoy telling my story from my point of view and explaining they why's and how's because nobody can tell it like me. (Hence the blog,-Let Me Tell You). So I'm thinking autobiography? Cool, bring it on! I knows my story! But this woman is asking for TOO MUCH.

The paper is 4-5 pages (no sweat). She wants us to examine how our race, class, gender, and sexual identities have formed who we are (no sweat). But to do all of that in only 4-5 pages? That is too much. I just got done with race and gender (um, should I cite myself from using 2 gender paragraphs from a previous autobiography??) and I'm already at a full 3 pages. I adjusted the margins, so I might be able to fit a small paragraph at the bottom of the third page. How many pages is it gonna take for me to say that I'm Black, po (yes, po), female, and straight? I could crank out at least 6-7 *shrug*.

I'm usually that person changing the font to arial (mmhm, just a lil bit bigger), fixing the side margins to 1.25 instead of 1 inch, separating paragraphs, and placing extra ENTERs after my heading and title just to get a lil more page length. Now I'm reducing margins, taking out ENTERs and even cutting out SO much I wanna say so I can fit in the 4-5 pages.

This is new, and I must say that is is all TOO MUCH, I definately like it better than trying to stretch a paper *_.*

My Family

This year we spent Thanksgiving at my Grandmother's (on my mother's side) house. We came down Wednesday night. I've had a pleasant time, and some time to reflect.

My uncle (my mother's brother) came over with his new baby. His name is Kendall (woulda been named Kenneth after my uncle, but the woman already had a child with that name. One of her 7) This makes baby number 5, baby mama number 3, no kinda job. I sat back and was watching him and my mother talk, and it amazed me how much they look alike. They could really be twins. They are 5 years apart, but my mother is aging gracefully, and he has lived a harder life. They have the same hairline (though his is quite exaggeratedly receding), I call it the Trambles hairline. The same bright 'yella' skintone. Even the same expression in their similarly hazel eyes. They kinda talk alike, and even have similar senses of humor. Such different lifestlyes though. Vastly different.

I told myself not to get into any socio-political conversations this time (they ain't ready). I knew it would be a challenge, because the state of the world and current events are always popular topics. I need to stay away from my new ever-popular statement: "What is that supposed to mean?" cuz its always strikes a convo.

They were talking about a barbeque joint in town that doesn't get much business and my uncle said "Its all a bunch of Puerto-Ricans up in there anyway." What's that supposed to mean? Puerto-Ricans can't barbeque? He says, "Well. . .I don't kno. . .It was just a statement." Then my grandmother starts talking about how America now wants everybody to learn Spanish because of all the Latinos coming into the U.S.

Naaah, don't get me started.

Today we were pulling the table apart to expand it, but my grandmother, mother and I couldn't seem to figure it out after a couple minutes. My grandmother called in her boyfriend to help us, and he got it. My mother mentioned something about "We needed them big strong manly muscles. If it weren't for you, we woulda just been starving." What is that supposed to mean? Is that to say that as women, we are incapable of doing what he just did? My mother mentioned something about "all that feminist stuff". I said, "Do I have to quote Sojurner Truth's monolouge, 'arn't I a woman?'"

Don't even get me started.

We ate, talked, laughed, had a nice time. I kept my mouth closed PLENTY and watched my family be their crazy selves. I am thankful for them, and I can't WAIT to write about my country relatives down in Arkansas once I meet them. Get ready, get ready!

"You make decisions, I make moves"

This was singlehandedly the most profound thing my cousin Jerome has EVER said to me. He hasn't known me for long, but I guess it doesn't take much time to figure out. We were at Wal*Mart (note-evil) shopping for some things to cook for dinner (note-I so miss cooking) and I would look at and compare prices and sizes of things, apparently far too extensively. What? I wanted to make the right choices. That's when he said it, "You make decisions, I make moves."

And sometimes I wanna make moves too. There are TONS of moves I would love to make, like:

Do a study abroad program in Latin America
Get a job where I can use my Spanish and my Sociology
Study a Semester at the University of Wisconsin
Begin to invest my money (Gotta start thinking about retirement)
Put together some activities at church for the kids

But as of yet I have done nothing to even prepare to make those moves. I haven't even made the move to cash my check from 2 pay periods ago!!!

"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure"

Why is it so hard for me to make moves? All of my decision making gets in the way. All of the "what if's", plan B's, and uncertainties keep me from doing anything (ooh that rhymes). I end up milling about life and doing my best to deal with what is handed to me instead of making things happen. Making changes, affecting instead of getting affected, taking risks. . .

This cup of uncertainty is bittersweet.

All Work and No Play. . .
Makes Elizabeth a sad, sad, girl :(

Girls just wanna have fun, and I'm no exception people. I have put in some work this semester. Goin to class, goin to work, goin to work, goin to church, goin to the library, goin to class again-that's basically a rundown of the weeks. I miss having fun. Can I have a day or 2 of act goofy, outcho mind, you-so-crazy, laugh till it hurts fun? That good ol' fun that wears you out so that when your head hits the pillow *snap* you're gone. That mad fun that you hated wrap up cuz the street lights were bouta come on. That double dutch, hide and go seek, freeze tag, yo-mama joke, hot summer day with a half-melted freezepop runnin for the icecream truck even tho you ain't got no money outside playin all day with the kids on the block cuz that's what's fun FUN.

I need some of that.

College fun consists of going out, dancing, drinking, and whatever else being under the inflluence might include, but I don't do any of that. The closest thing I've had to fun is having a "nice time" (see-2ra's B-day shindig *ahem* that's me far right). If not for that, I might be close to insanity.

I need get-out-of-your-seat fun. Something a little less calm and serious, cuz everyday life is that. Calm and serious is who I inherently am, but I'm needing a break from the monotony. I was chatting with friendboy today, and he was telling me how he's "finna be kickin it hard this weekend" because he hasn't had any social life these past 3 weeks. (Must be nice.)

In that case, I need to be kicking the ISH out if it and beating it like it like a red-headed stepchild that done stole something and owes me money.

I won't walk around all depressed and frowning, no, I shall continue with life and maintain my joy. But if you're having some crazysexycool fun that you think I might wanna take part in, send some of them vibes my way :)

Blog Hopping
http://sapodilla.blogspot.com/
Journal Jogging
http://msalecia.bravejournal.com/


I have this heavy feeling on my heart. I feel grieved and saddened. I read an article in the campus newspaper today about a party on this college campus with the theme of "straight thuggin". People wore gold chains and hats cocked to the side, and didn't cause any disturbances. They basically just listened to some rap music and chilled, and there were only about 20 people there. This party was cause for a discussion with the Racial Relations department of the campus, because they were concerned that it "parodied racial stereotypes" and that it would further isolate black students on campus.

I got heated. I got into "blackfolkscan'thavenothin" mode. Why when we do something that is culturally representative of a part black culture (the whole rap scene did not originate with anybody else) we have to come under criticism?? DANG. We can't just enjoy ourselves?

Then I read "About 4% of the university's 4,667 undergraduate students are black. None of the students who attended the party were black."

Aw Hell to the Naw!!!!!

(forgive any lack of political correctness to follow.)
I'm through. I am so very tired of dealing with RACE on an everyday basis. Everyday I have to be Black. I do not have a problem with my blackness as it is, because I think it is wonderful. My ancestors and people have a rich and vibrant heritage and culture, one to be proud of. My people are strong and noble. What I have a problem with is being Black as opposed to being White.

What am I trying to say? Please stick with me, I don't wanna lose you.

Of course we know that in America, White is the standard. Anyone who is anything other than white isn't viewed as what they are: Latino, Persian, East Asian, Black, Native American, etc. NO, they are instead viewed as "Non-White".

Of course we know that the Black/White racial relation is the most extreme in this country due to slavery. Other groups indeed encounter racism, and my intent is not to ignore or deny that, but to focus on this Black/White thing, because that is where my primary concern lies.

I'm sick of being Black as opposed to being White. I'm also sick of making sure that I don't harbor my anger and become mad at whitefolks. (the term whitefolks refers to the race and the dominating system of whiteness, not Whites as individuals). I am sick of dealing with what is called "the fact of blackness" which means that no matter what I achieve, accomplish, am capable of, and do, I am Black, and that will always be significant.

*sigh* more on this later. I have FAR too many thoughts to formulate a discussion in this post alone.