It's Weird
It's weird. It's just past 10pm. I haven't even gone to sleep yet and I already know that I'm not going to want to wake up in the morning. I already don't feel like picking out what clothes I'll wear to work and how I'll do my hair. Don't want to think about what I'm going to eat for breakfast and if I'll take anything to eat for lunch. I don't want to deal with the inevitable frustrations of my job. . . and there are many. I want to not exist tomorrow, at least not until 6 or 7pm where I can wind down from a day I didn't have and just relax.
It's weird. I keep wondering if I'll be feeling this way throughout the weekdays every week. This feeling of being bogged down with financial concerns, thinking about all of the things that I need but can't get. It's only intensified by my job situation. For the first time school isn't really a source of stress. . . I'd really rather do that than worry about any of this other stuff. Being back in an academic environment is actually a highlight in my life right now. My graduate school application is due next month. I pray that I'll will myself to submit it.
It's weird. I'm ready to watch my dreams come to life. . . even though they still don't have much clarity. But even as anxious as I am to see them manifest, I am equally afraid. I know that's what the dreams are about. The dreams where my car is speeding along so fast that I get scared to death, but never do crash into anything. The dreams where I am uncontrollably floating up into the air and my attempts to come down only take me higher. So instead of zooming in the fast lane I'm creeping along on the shoulder, watching all of the speed racers flash by. . . assuring them that I'm coming when I really only hope that eventually I will be.
Tonight I go to bed, but my concerns won't. They'll be sitting by my bedside watching me while I sleep, hoping to ease into my dreams but I'll toss and turn so they won't hold me down. I know they'll be waiting for me to wake up so that they can tag along with me all day. Maybe if I don't get up. . . well, maybe I just won't get up.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
How In The World Am I Supposed To Do This???
Altruism. I kinda knew what the word meant because I had heard it used here and there. As I was lying on the couch in one of my many life-contemplating sessions, the word popped into my head. Altruism. Altruistic. Is that the word that describes me and what I'm trying to do these days? Is that what's gotten me in the place where I am right now?
Altruism (from Latin: alter: the other) is the deliberate pursuit of the interests or welfare of others or the public interest.
Yep, that's it. That's what keeps me working at this organization, hoping that one day I'll be able to build this place up to the point where things will be running so well they won't even need me anymore. Struggling with the whole system from board members to co-workers all while struggling to pay my bills all for the sake of the good of the community. Altruistic indeed.
It's also the force that contributes to me wanting to heap a serving of every good cause onto my plate. NAACP, BSU, MCATF, YP's, business ventures, volunteering, church activities, you name it. It supports a good cause? I'd love to be a part of it! How can I help out?! Altruistic.
Just today I stopped by the local AIDS Outreach office and sat and talked with the staff who runs the organization. They are interested in reaching out to the Black community. . . I am interested in helping them. As we sat and talked about the struggles with our respective boards, funders, and general non-profit organization challenges, I thought about how crazy it is that I'm pursuing a post-graduate education to specifically go into this field. This is the type of work I have a passion for and there's really nothing else I see myself doing for the rest of my life than "giving back" in whatever form that might take.
The problem is, while I'm giving back, who in the world is going to be giving to me? To my wallet and bank account more specifically. Everyone knows that there isn't usually much money in the non-profit sector. It's hard enough to secure funding for your particular program, but what? You wanna get PAID too? Dream on.
I don't want to sell out my altruistic dreams for money. Nope, I'd rather they play in the same sandlot and both come home with me at the end of the day. I would take good care of both of them, making sure my dreams flourish into mature realities and keeping the money safe and well guarded.
But how is this going to work?
Altruism. I kinda knew what the word meant because I had heard it used here and there. As I was lying on the couch in one of my many life-contemplating sessions, the word popped into my head. Altruism. Altruistic. Is that the word that describes me and what I'm trying to do these days? Is that what's gotten me in the place where I am right now?
Altruism (from Latin: alter: the other) is the deliberate pursuit of the interests or welfare of others or the public interest.
Yep, that's it. That's what keeps me working at this organization, hoping that one day I'll be able to build this place up to the point where things will be running so well they won't even need me anymore. Struggling with the whole system from board members to co-workers all while struggling to pay my bills all for the sake of the good of the community. Altruistic indeed.
It's also the force that contributes to me wanting to heap a serving of every good cause onto my plate. NAACP, BSU, MCATF, YP's, business ventures, volunteering, church activities, you name it. It supports a good cause? I'd love to be a part of it! How can I help out?! Altruistic.
Just today I stopped by the local AIDS Outreach office and sat and talked with the staff who runs the organization. They are interested in reaching out to the Black community. . . I am interested in helping them. As we sat and talked about the struggles with our respective boards, funders, and general non-profit organization challenges, I thought about how crazy it is that I'm pursuing a post-graduate education to specifically go into this field. This is the type of work I have a passion for and there's really nothing else I see myself doing for the rest of my life than "giving back" in whatever form that might take.
The problem is, while I'm giving back, who in the world is going to be giving to me? To my wallet and bank account more specifically. Everyone knows that there isn't usually much money in the non-profit sector. It's hard enough to secure funding for your particular program, but what? You wanna get PAID too? Dream on.
I don't want to sell out my altruistic dreams for money. Nope, I'd rather they play in the same sandlot and both come home with me at the end of the day. I would take good care of both of them, making sure my dreams flourish into mature realities and keeping the money safe and well guarded.
But how is this going to work?
Monday, June 29, 2009
This is Worth Writing About
So the pastor (not my own pastor btw), let's call him Passo came into my office again today. He'll stop by every now and again to say hi or even take a few moments to play a game of cards with me. He's a pretty cool guy, but he has a reputation in this community. . . one that precedes him. Baptist preacher, late 40's or early 50's, smooth talker and a fan of the ladies. So I take it as no surprise that he only comes to my office to visit when I am here alone.
Today when Passo opened the office door I wondered what he would be up to today, but I always put the same smile on my face. After cordial greetings, he sat down and became gravely serious. He should be an actor, because his performance would have been great for the stage. Maybe he could try out for the next Madea play. He started by talking about my position now at the League. . . how he knew I wasn't completely happy with my position and not making much money. He makes eye contact with me as if he is reading my thoughts through my eyeballs and is silent for what seems like the longest time. He then cocks his head slightly to the side and without cracking a smile says in a low voice, "Would you like to work for me?" One would believe that he has already played out this scene in his head many many times.
I'm behind my desk, concentrating on what type of facial expression I'm displaying. His mannerisms already seem so scripted and fluid. . . I need to act in just the right way to fit the situation. I want to laugh and smile because this man is so ridiculous, but he's making it quite awkward for me to do so. Especially the way he keeps staring so intently. "In what capacity?" I respond. Another long, serious pause, and he begins to explain how he needs someone who will keep his calendar- and more or less keep track of his every move. Someone who will be aware of where he is, and know what to tell those who would like to know. Scheduling his flights and other travel arrangements, setting and reminding him of appointments with individuals in the community and elsewhere, and something else about church bulletins. "So basically a personal assistant?" I said. That's what it sounded like to me anyway. He kind of nodded his head side to side.
"Isn't that what Joann already does? Or is she not going to be doing it anymore?" He continued to look at me and said, "So does it sound like a job you could do?"
"Oh. . . so I don't get my question answered huh? Ok. That's cool." I let it slide. I started to think about what working for Passo would be like. I didn't even ask him how much the position would pay, because I don't want to make a financially motivated decision with this one.
In fact, although I will think about his offer, I already know what I want to do. I knew as soon as the words came out of his mouth, "Would you like to work for me?" It's funny though, that he would want to hire me as his PA, when I can hardly keep my own calendar lol . . . he doesn't have to know that though. I'm pretty sure that I would deliver in the position. I am a professional, and I always deliver my best work in a professional setting. I'm sure he'd pay pretty handsomely too, especially considering the level of confidentiality the position entails. And undoubtedly right off the back I'd need a BlackBerry and laptop. . . and of course a personal assistant must look presentable at all times, so I would have to have a monthly allottment for clothing and accessories. That's only reasonable. Regardless, I have a feeling that whether I take this position or not, the story with Passo will not end here. Stay tuned.
So the pastor (not my own pastor btw), let's call him Passo came into my office again today. He'll stop by every now and again to say hi or even take a few moments to play a game of cards with me. He's a pretty cool guy, but he has a reputation in this community. . . one that precedes him. Baptist preacher, late 40's or early 50's, smooth talker and a fan of the ladies. So I take it as no surprise that he only comes to my office to visit when I am here alone.
Today when Passo opened the office door I wondered what he would be up to today, but I always put the same smile on my face. After cordial greetings, he sat down and became gravely serious. He should be an actor, because his performance would have been great for the stage. Maybe he could try out for the next Madea play. He started by talking about my position now at the League. . . how he knew I wasn't completely happy with my position and not making much money. He makes eye contact with me as if he is reading my thoughts through my eyeballs and is silent for what seems like the longest time. He then cocks his head slightly to the side and without cracking a smile says in a low voice, "Would you like to work for me?" One would believe that he has already played out this scene in his head many many times.
I'm behind my desk, concentrating on what type of facial expression I'm displaying. His mannerisms already seem so scripted and fluid. . . I need to act in just the right way to fit the situation. I want to laugh and smile because this man is so ridiculous, but he's making it quite awkward for me to do so. Especially the way he keeps staring so intently. "In what capacity?" I respond. Another long, serious pause, and he begins to explain how he needs someone who will keep his calendar- and more or less keep track of his every move. Someone who will be aware of where he is, and know what to tell those who would like to know. Scheduling his flights and other travel arrangements, setting and reminding him of appointments with individuals in the community and elsewhere, and something else about church bulletins. "So basically a personal assistant?" I said. That's what it sounded like to me anyway. He kind of nodded his head side to side.
"Isn't that what Joann already does? Or is she not going to be doing it anymore?" He continued to look at me and said, "So does it sound like a job you could do?"
"Oh. . . so I don't get my question answered huh? Ok. That's cool." I let it slide. I started to think about what working for Passo would be like. I didn't even ask him how much the position would pay, because I don't want to make a financially motivated decision with this one.
In fact, although I will think about his offer, I already know what I want to do. I knew as soon as the words came out of his mouth, "Would you like to work for me?" It's funny though, that he would want to hire me as his PA, when I can hardly keep my own calendar lol . . . he doesn't have to know that though. I'm pretty sure that I would deliver in the position. I am a professional, and I always deliver my best work in a professional setting. I'm sure he'd pay pretty handsomely too, especially considering the level of confidentiality the position entails. And undoubtedly right off the back I'd need a BlackBerry and laptop. . . and of course a personal assistant must look presentable at all times, so I would have to have a monthly allottment for clothing and accessories. That's only reasonable. Regardless, I have a feeling that whether I take this position or not, the story with Passo will not end here. Stay tuned.
Friday, April 03, 2009
This Is My Life
I have had a mentally and emotionally tiring week. Monday I decided to stop by my ex's apartment to see how he was doing. We hadn't talked in months, and I had definitely taken deliberate measures to ensure that we had no lines of communication. I deleted his phone number and I even took him off my friend list on Facebook, the first time I've ever deleted anyone. But I had been thinking about him, so I went over there. I was a little bit nervous, especially as I drove up to his place and saw that he was indeed home. Would the atmosphere be tense? Would conversation be strained? Would I ruin months of dilligent progress? I really didn't know what to expect.
He opened the door and greeted me with a warm hug. It was a hug I knew so well and being in his arms for that moment was like putting on that old comfy pair of jeans that you know you need to get rid of but you just don't. Stepping into the house, I was flooded with memories of all the time I'd spent there what seemed like just a short while ago. I sat down and we caught up on life for a few moments. He has joined the National Guard and he told me that life was going well for him. I was pleased. There was a moment in which we looked at each other, both of us not knowing what to say, and we just started to laugh. An ounce of it was nervous laughter, but mostly it expressed how strange it felt for us to be around each other again after so long, but here we were. Chatting up kinda like old times. And even after knowing each other so well, a lull in the conversation just feels far too awkward.
Then he told me that he wanted to introduce me to someone. He went into the kitchen and I heard him speak to someone, but it sounded like inaudible mumbling. He came back out with this girl . . . he placed his hand on her shoulder, and with a nervous smile he took a breath and said "Chiliz, this is my fiancee . . . " I didn't even hear her name.
Smile Chiliz, Smile. Don't you dare be anything less than happy. Not right now. Not in front of her. "Woooow, fiancee!?! Oh wow, that is . . . great! Congratulations to the both of you." I kind of meant it. I really can't even imagine any other response I would've had. I asked, and he told me that they've been engaged for 3 months. My how time flies. After congratulating them once more and doing my best to wish them the best for their future together, I left. This time I let myself out and walked to my car alone. The man who once would have opened my car door for me and watched to make sure I drove off safely remained tucked in his cozy home, his hand probably still on her shoulder.
Driving home, at first I was okay. I was checking on my emotional self, "Are you really ok? I mean, for real? Yes, just a little bit sad, but I think I can handle this." No music the whole way home, just me and my thoughts. The closer I got to my house the more difficult it became. Two alligator tears streamed down my cheeks, blazing a path for more to follow, but they only came two at a time. I was still okay.
Until I got home. I stepped in the door, and my mind flashed back to his place and the memory of us departing with a kiss. Realizing that now all of his kisses, love, and affection would only be for her, I broke down. I knew this feeling well. My heart was breaking yet again.
The funny thing about that heartbreak feeling that is so distinct is that it is the type of pain that you know cannot be soothed. You just have to suffer through it, it forces you to feel with every ounce of your being until time lifts the burden.
The next day the weather was rainy, dreary, and gray and I was so grateful that God loved me enough not to mock me with sunshine. But today- today is bright and the sky is blue and though it is chilly, spring is in the air. Spring is the time for new beginnings- just ask the buds on the trees. That old pair of jeans? I lost them and I know for sure that I will never get that same pair back but now . . . now I can pick out a new pair, and get some more things while I'm at it.
I'm ready to pick up my bags and move on to the next destination in life, and the future looks bright my friends!
I have had a mentally and emotionally tiring week. Monday I decided to stop by my ex's apartment to see how he was doing. We hadn't talked in months, and I had definitely taken deliberate measures to ensure that we had no lines of communication. I deleted his phone number and I even took him off my friend list on Facebook, the first time I've ever deleted anyone. But I had been thinking about him, so I went over there. I was a little bit nervous, especially as I drove up to his place and saw that he was indeed home. Would the atmosphere be tense? Would conversation be strained? Would I ruin months of dilligent progress? I really didn't know what to expect.
He opened the door and greeted me with a warm hug. It was a hug I knew so well and being in his arms for that moment was like putting on that old comfy pair of jeans that you know you need to get rid of but you just don't. Stepping into the house, I was flooded with memories of all the time I'd spent there what seemed like just a short while ago. I sat down and we caught up on life for a few moments. He has joined the National Guard and he told me that life was going well for him. I was pleased. There was a moment in which we looked at each other, both of us not knowing what to say, and we just started to laugh. An ounce of it was nervous laughter, but mostly it expressed how strange it felt for us to be around each other again after so long, but here we were. Chatting up kinda like old times. And even after knowing each other so well, a lull in the conversation just feels far too awkward.
Then he told me that he wanted to introduce me to someone. He went into the kitchen and I heard him speak to someone, but it sounded like inaudible mumbling. He came back out with this girl . . . he placed his hand on her shoulder, and with a nervous smile he took a breath and said "Chiliz, this is my fiancee . . . " I didn't even hear her name.
Smile Chiliz, Smile. Don't you dare be anything less than happy. Not right now. Not in front of her. "Woooow, fiancee!?! Oh wow, that is . . . great! Congratulations to the both of you." I kind of meant it. I really can't even imagine any other response I would've had. I asked, and he told me that they've been engaged for 3 months. My how time flies. After congratulating them once more and doing my best to wish them the best for their future together, I left. This time I let myself out and walked to my car alone. The man who once would have opened my car door for me and watched to make sure I drove off safely remained tucked in his cozy home, his hand probably still on her shoulder.
Driving home, at first I was okay. I was checking on my emotional self, "Are you really ok? I mean, for real? Yes, just a little bit sad, but I think I can handle this." No music the whole way home, just me and my thoughts. The closer I got to my house the more difficult it became. Two alligator tears streamed down my cheeks, blazing a path for more to follow, but they only came two at a time. I was still okay.
Until I got home. I stepped in the door, and my mind flashed back to his place and the memory of us departing with a kiss. Realizing that now all of his kisses, love, and affection would only be for her, I broke down. I knew this feeling well. My heart was breaking yet again.
The funny thing about that heartbreak feeling that is so distinct is that it is the type of pain that you know cannot be soothed. You just have to suffer through it, it forces you to feel with every ounce of your being until time lifts the burden.
The next day the weather was rainy, dreary, and gray and I was so grateful that God loved me enough not to mock me with sunshine. But today- today is bright and the sky is blue and though it is chilly, spring is in the air. Spring is the time for new beginnings- just ask the buds on the trees. That old pair of jeans? I lost them and I know for sure that I will never get that same pair back but now . . . now I can pick out a new pair, and get some more things while I'm at it.
I'm ready to pick up my bags and move on to the next destination in life, and the future looks bright my friends!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
You Don't Get Paid For Thinking
I was supposed to go out tonight. I had been looking forward to going out to hear this smooth jazz band play at a local spot. I always enjoy going there because the atmosphere is very mature and laid-back and I love seeing and being with grown black folk just chilling and vibing. After that we were supposed to go downtown and do the party thing. Totally opposite environment, but I was up for the balance.
Or at least I thought I was. I got dressed and realized that I didn't want to go anywhere at all. So now here i am, dressed like I have somewhere to go, with no plans but to stay on my couch for the remainder of the evening.
I have been craving unhealthy food lately. Burgers, fries, pop. I even craved a HOT DOG and I really don't get down with hot dogs like that. Beef hot dogs of course, Chicago style with onions, pickle, relish. . . everything. So juicy, so delicious.
And now that I am home for the evening, I just want a bottle of cheap champagne (Andre) and my laptop and I will be all good. Should this be the life of a 23 year old?
I think I have a touch of the blues.
I was supposed to go out tonight. I had been looking forward to going out to hear this smooth jazz band play at a local spot. I always enjoy going there because the atmosphere is very mature and laid-back and I love seeing and being with grown black folk just chilling and vibing. After that we were supposed to go downtown and do the party thing. Totally opposite environment, but I was up for the balance.
Or at least I thought I was. I got dressed and realized that I didn't want to go anywhere at all. So now here i am, dressed like I have somewhere to go, with no plans but to stay on my couch for the remainder of the evening.
I have been craving unhealthy food lately. Burgers, fries, pop. I even craved a HOT DOG and I really don't get down with hot dogs like that. Beef hot dogs of course, Chicago style with onions, pickle, relish. . . everything. So juicy, so delicious.
And now that I am home for the evening, I just want a bottle of cheap champagne (Andre) and my laptop and I will be all good. Should this be the life of a 23 year old?
I think I have a touch of the blues.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Guess What I Did This Weekend!
*GRIN*
I started a new blog- So Much 2 Make !!!! I couldn't help it, I just couldn't! I know, I barely keep up with this one right?
Well, this one is my craft blog. Crochet, sewing, someday knitting, maybe even some cooking and fashion stuff on there. It's my right brain spot :D I'm just super excited about it, and I luuuuurve the template!
Anyway, I won't be abandoning this one or anything. Hop on over there if you wanna see what I'm up to creating!
*GRIN*
I started a new blog- So Much 2 Make !!!! I couldn't help it, I just couldn't! I know, I barely keep up with this one right?
Well, this one is my craft blog. Crochet, sewing, someday knitting, maybe even some cooking and fashion stuff on there. It's my right brain spot :D I'm just super excited about it, and I luuuuurve the template!
Anyway, I won't be abandoning this one or anything. Hop on over there if you wanna see what I'm up to creating!
Friday, February 20, 2009
OOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
Word.Up. Yo, if I had access to THISSSS on a regular basis, I'd be pregnant too and I would not mind. Gone head Kimora Lee, I ain't mad atcha! I wonder if it will be a boy or girl? Either way, that baby will be too cute.
Back to the subject at hand:
Djimon, stop playin boy *giggles*! Lookin like, "If you want it, come on and get it." Boy. . . you . . . ooohhh!
That is some sexy chocolate right there, I don't care who you are. Images like that make ya girl wanna do thangs . . . Thangs that will remain untold for the sake of maintaining my reputation.
*SIGH* I do miss having some deep, sweet, velvety, dark chocolate in my life. Skin glistenin' in the moonlight. . .
*SIGH* I do miss having some deep, sweet, velvety, dark chocolate in my life. Skin glistenin' in the moonlight. . .
Ima go take that cold shower now. *blink*
Saturday, January 31, 2009
How To Get Over Your Man
Well, make that your ex. If you're trying to get over him, he's no longer your man right?
1) Stop going to his house. Especially at night or when noone else is home. The more you visit, the more often you'll see him and this will make it harder to forget about him.
2) Try not to drive in the area where he lives. Or at least not down his street. If you must drive down his street, don't look to see if his lights are on or if his car is there. It doesn't matter if he's home, you're not going to see him anyway.
3) If he stops by your house unexpectedly, it's alright to let him in, but it's best to be short with him while making small talk. Don't engage him in real conversation. This will make him uncomfortable and he will want to leave.
4) If he calls unexpectedly, see #3.
5) Don't find any reason to call, email, or send a letter or card to him. Even if it's his birthday. It is essential that you limit all contact.
6) Throw away his toothbrush. You may have kept it in your bathroom just in case he happens to spend the night, because "you just never know." He won't be spending the night anymore, so you don't need to keep it. Throw away anything else you might be keeping for his sake, this includes food that you have in stock just because he likes it.
6a) It is acceptable to continue wearing clothing such as T-shirts, shorts, etc. that was previously his. It is yours now.
7) If you stop by your mother's house and a car that looks similar to his is parked in front, come back later. It's probably his car and he may have found out you were coming and made an excuse to stay until you got there. You don't want to see him, but if you are looking especially cute it's ok to go in. Reference #3 for rules regarding conversation.
8) Let other men do things for you e.g. scrape snow off of your car, give you a ride, or buy you things. This will alleviate some of the frustration you may feel by not having your ex around to do these things for you. Also, it will make you feel good to know that you've "still got it" (even if the men offering these services are undesirable).
10) Try to date other people. Even if you don't know anyone, or don't get out enough to meet someone new, keep trying. Ask friends if they know someone. You don't need to try to replace your ex, just get out there and have some fun being single.
Follow these simple guidelines and soon your ex will be a distant memory. If all else fails, move out of town.
Well, make that your ex. If you're trying to get over him, he's no longer your man right?
1) Stop going to his house. Especially at night or when noone else is home. The more you visit, the more often you'll see him and this will make it harder to forget about him.
2) Try not to drive in the area where he lives. Or at least not down his street. If you must drive down his street, don't look to see if his lights are on or if his car is there. It doesn't matter if he's home, you're not going to see him anyway.
3) If he stops by your house unexpectedly, it's alright to let him in, but it's best to be short with him while making small talk. Don't engage him in real conversation. This will make him uncomfortable and he will want to leave.
4) If he calls unexpectedly, see #3.
5) Don't find any reason to call, email, or send a letter or card to him. Even if it's his birthday. It is essential that you limit all contact.
6) Throw away his toothbrush. You may have kept it in your bathroom just in case he happens to spend the night, because "you just never know." He won't be spending the night anymore, so you don't need to keep it. Throw away anything else you might be keeping for his sake, this includes food that you have in stock just because he likes it.
6a) It is acceptable to continue wearing clothing such as T-shirts, shorts, etc. that was previously his. It is yours now.
7) If you stop by your mother's house and a car that looks similar to his is parked in front, come back later. It's probably his car and he may have found out you were coming and made an excuse to stay until you got there. You don't want to see him, but if you are looking especially cute it's ok to go in. Reference #3 for rules regarding conversation.
8) Let other men do things for you e.g. scrape snow off of your car, give you a ride, or buy you things. This will alleviate some of the frustration you may feel by not having your ex around to do these things for you. Also, it will make you feel good to know that you've "still got it" (even if the men offering these services are undesirable).
10) Try to date other people. Even if you don't know anyone, or don't get out enough to meet someone new, keep trying. Ask friends if they know someone. You don't need to try to replace your ex, just get out there and have some fun being single.
Follow these simple guidelines and soon your ex will be a distant memory. If all else fails, move out of town.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Dream A Little Dream
I hate this dream. Each time I have it, it's so vivid, so real, unlike my other dreams. Reocurring dreams are strange enough in themselves. I used to have the one where I was shrinking. Not just smaller than everyone else, but smaller than everything- to an almost microscopic size. The more anxious and agitated I would become with shrinking, the smaller I would get.
Then there was the floating dream, which was sometimes fun but still scary. I would usually be in a room, lying or sitting down. All of a sudden my body would start to levitate. Only me, noone else in the room would be affected. Before I knew it, I would be headed toward the ceiling and there was nothing that I could do to bring myself down. Just floating like a helium balloon. I would strain and strain and try to tilt my body in a downward direction, anything to come down. Nothing worked, and the more I tried to fight it, the more I would rise. In this dream, I always just wanted to be close to the ground again, to be with everyone else and stand upright on my own two feet. But there I was, floating in the air with no support, no control over my situation. Nothing holding me, just hanging there. I never did fall though.
But this dream is the worst of all. I've had it at least 3 or 4 times in the past few years, and strangely enough when I told my mother about it, she said that she'd had the dream as well. Weird.
I was in London having a great time with this group of people. We were touring, eating, shopping, just enjoying London. At the end of the day, I came back to the flat where I was staying and while running my tongue across my teeth, I noticed that one felt a little loose. Hm, that's strange. I looked in the mirror and wiggled the tooth with my tongue again, and it fell out.
Just fell out. I became very nervous, checking the mirror to see if the loss of this canine tooth would be noticeable if I smiled. My tongue could fit in the gap, but maybe I could wait until I got home to have this checked out. Just then, the tooth next to it broke in half and fell out of my mouth. It fell to my hand and I began to panic. The remainder of the brittle molar began to crumble, and again I ran my tongue against it to get it out. I bumped the tooth next to it, and it began to crumble as well.
My teeth started to crumble and fall out from both the top and bottom rows, and here i was by myself, looking in the mirror, spitting out teeth and bits of teeth into my hand in disbelief. I didn't know what to do! I was too embarrased to talk to anyone about it because I hardly had any teeth, and sharp pieces of tooth littered my tongue and mouth enough to make talking near impossible anyway. I wanted to rinse my mouth. I kept spitting the teeth bits out, but there were too many. I didn't want to risk rinsing my mouth and losing even more.
Should I call my mother? What should I do? I can't go out in public like this! I was so afraid. I knew that if I called my mother she would tell me to go to a local dentist, but I had no dental insurance (besides, who wants to go to a British dentist?). I was stuck by myself with broken teeth in my hand and crumbles in my mouth. I just knew that this time it wasn't a dream.
I snapped awake and checked for my teeth before my eyelids fully opened. Thank God, they were all there. It felt so real that time.
The first time I had the dream and found out that my mother had also been terrorized by it, I immediately went online to find out what it meant. Common interpretations include experiencing a difficult time in having one's voice heard (check), a sense of powerlessness (check), insecurity about personal appearance or ability to financially support onesself, or even fear of being embarrased publicly. Biblically, dreaming of teeth and the loss thereof can indicate that you are putting your trust in the beliefs of man and not in the word of God. I could be guilty of that. boils down to having something to do with insecurity. Everything from insecurity about one's personal appearance to insecurity bout being able to support oneself financially. I am not sure where this apparent insecurity lies for me personally, but I do have a few ideas.
I only like one of these interpretations, and that is the one that states that dreaming of teeth falling out is symbolic of money. Let's just hope it's my money and that I get to keep it! Anyhow, it's a very common dream. As disturbing as it was, at least I'm not alone.
I hate this dream. Each time I have it, it's so vivid, so real, unlike my other dreams. Reocurring dreams are strange enough in themselves. I used to have the one where I was shrinking. Not just smaller than everyone else, but smaller than everything- to an almost microscopic size. The more anxious and agitated I would become with shrinking, the smaller I would get.
Then there was the floating dream, which was sometimes fun but still scary. I would usually be in a room, lying or sitting down. All of a sudden my body would start to levitate. Only me, noone else in the room would be affected. Before I knew it, I would be headed toward the ceiling and there was nothing that I could do to bring myself down. Just floating like a helium balloon. I would strain and strain and try to tilt my body in a downward direction, anything to come down. Nothing worked, and the more I tried to fight it, the more I would rise. In this dream, I always just wanted to be close to the ground again, to be with everyone else and stand upright on my own two feet. But there I was, floating in the air with no support, no control over my situation. Nothing holding me, just hanging there. I never did fall though.
But this dream is the worst of all. I've had it at least 3 or 4 times in the past few years, and strangely enough when I told my mother about it, she said that she'd had the dream as well. Weird.
I was in London having a great time with this group of people. We were touring, eating, shopping, just enjoying London. At the end of the day, I came back to the flat where I was staying and while running my tongue across my teeth, I noticed that one felt a little loose. Hm, that's strange. I looked in the mirror and wiggled the tooth with my tongue again, and it fell out.
Just fell out. I became very nervous, checking the mirror to see if the loss of this canine tooth would be noticeable if I smiled. My tongue could fit in the gap, but maybe I could wait until I got home to have this checked out. Just then, the tooth next to it broke in half and fell out of my mouth. It fell to my hand and I began to panic. The remainder of the brittle molar began to crumble, and again I ran my tongue against it to get it out. I bumped the tooth next to it, and it began to crumble as well.
My teeth started to crumble and fall out from both the top and bottom rows, and here i was by myself, looking in the mirror, spitting out teeth and bits of teeth into my hand in disbelief. I didn't know what to do! I was too embarrased to talk to anyone about it because I hardly had any teeth, and sharp pieces of tooth littered my tongue and mouth enough to make talking near impossible anyway. I wanted to rinse my mouth. I kept spitting the teeth bits out, but there were too many. I didn't want to risk rinsing my mouth and losing even more.
Should I call my mother? What should I do? I can't go out in public like this! I was so afraid. I knew that if I called my mother she would tell me to go to a local dentist, but I had no dental insurance (besides, who wants to go to a British dentist?). I was stuck by myself with broken teeth in my hand and crumbles in my mouth. I just knew that this time it wasn't a dream.
I snapped awake and checked for my teeth before my eyelids fully opened. Thank God, they were all there. It felt so real that time.
The first time I had the dream and found out that my mother had also been terrorized by it, I immediately went online to find out what it meant. Common interpretations include experiencing a difficult time in having one's voice heard (check), a sense of powerlessness (check), insecurity about personal appearance or ability to financially support onesself, or even fear of being embarrased publicly. Biblically, dreaming of teeth and the loss thereof can indicate that you are putting your trust in the beliefs of man and not in the word of God. I could be guilty of that. boils down to having something to do with insecurity. Everything from insecurity about one's personal appearance to insecurity bout being able to support oneself financially. I am not sure where this apparent insecurity lies for me personally, but I do have a few ideas.
I only like one of these interpretations, and that is the one that states that dreaming of teeth falling out is symbolic of money. Let's just hope it's my money and that I get to keep it! Anyhow, it's a very common dream. As disturbing as it was, at least I'm not alone.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Dear Love,
I write this letter in hopes that it will find its way to you. I know it's been a while, but I still think about you often, and I must admit-sometimes I miss you. That's kinda hard for me to admit, because I think we both know I'm not the sappy type. Well, I didn't think I was, but when you came . . . that all changed.
Sometimes I still can't believe that I let down my guard. You found the cracks in my cement walls and persistently chipped away at the stone until you were able to slip in. Thanks for not leaving me wide open and vulnerable. Then you left. Your departure was much more prolonged than your entrance. It's like you wanted to go, but just couldn't bring yourself to leave. I even still have some of your stuff at my place. . . Man, we had some good times. Warm summer nights under the moonlight and stars, chilly fall days cuddling and staying warm. You brought me feelings of joy, security and peace, and I did my best to nurture you as well.
We had our rough times too, which is to be expected. I never thought that it would always be a bed of roses, but I needn't focus on the negative. I just wanted to let you know that I simply miss you being around. Everyone is always talking about you, how wonderful you are, how horrible you are. . . I guess I'm lucky enough to know both sides.
And I think I'm ready to know a little more. I wouldn't mind seeing a little more of you in 2009. I mean, you made a few cameos in '08, but maybe you can stay around for a little longer this year. I learned so much from you the last time you stayed and taught that introductory class- I believe it was called LV 107- First Love. I was taking a look at your catalog and you have a couple more 100 level courses, there is one called LV 109- Have Fun with Love that looks pretty interesting and something that I should be able to fit into my schedule. Seems like it would be a nice follow up and I could build upon what I learned in LV107. I also think it would be good preparation for LV 210- Second Try.
I'm willing to make the time if you are. It would be so nice to see you again, and to have you around. The stuff you left last time, I'll keep it safe for you but it would be helpful if you didn't bring as many bags this year (but I do love gifts, bring as many of those as you want!).
Thanks Love. I hope to see you soon.
I write this letter in hopes that it will find its way to you. I know it's been a while, but I still think about you often, and I must admit-sometimes I miss you. That's kinda hard for me to admit, because I think we both know I'm not the sappy type. Well, I didn't think I was, but when you came . . . that all changed.
Sometimes I still can't believe that I let down my guard. You found the cracks in my cement walls and persistently chipped away at the stone until you were able to slip in. Thanks for not leaving me wide open and vulnerable. Then you left. Your departure was much more prolonged than your entrance. It's like you wanted to go, but just couldn't bring yourself to leave. I even still have some of your stuff at my place. . . Man, we had some good times. Warm summer nights under the moonlight and stars, chilly fall days cuddling and staying warm. You brought me feelings of joy, security and peace, and I did my best to nurture you as well.
We had our rough times too, which is to be expected. I never thought that it would always be a bed of roses, but I needn't focus on the negative. I just wanted to let you know that I simply miss you being around. Everyone is always talking about you, how wonderful you are, how horrible you are. . . I guess I'm lucky enough to know both sides.
And I think I'm ready to know a little more. I wouldn't mind seeing a little more of you in 2009. I mean, you made a few cameos in '08, but maybe you can stay around for a little longer this year. I learned so much from you the last time you stayed and taught that introductory class- I believe it was called LV 107- First Love. I was taking a look at your catalog and you have a couple more 100 level courses, there is one called LV 109- Have Fun with Love that looks pretty interesting and something that I should be able to fit into my schedule. Seems like it would be a nice follow up and I could build upon what I learned in LV107. I also think it would be good preparation for LV 210- Second Try.
I'm willing to make the time if you are. It would be so nice to see you again, and to have you around. The stuff you left last time, I'll keep it safe for you but it would be helpful if you didn't bring as many bags this year (but I do love gifts, bring as many of those as you want!).
Thanks Love. I hope to see you soon.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
2009 Will Be Divine
I usually end the ear off with a recap of the past year's events. Well, it's now the 1st, so I missed that. Plus, I don't remember a lot of what happened in '08. I'm a bit too young for my memory to be fading so quickly, but that's neither here nor there. What is here though, is 2009. Happy New Year!
2008 was a great year for me. I'd almost say that it was one of the best years of my life actually, and I knew that '08 would be special from the beginning.
Now 2009. I don't usually make resolutions, but I applaud those who do- those who are courageous enough to face their inadequacies and resolve to change themselves for the better. I have shortcomings of my own, and while I can't say that 2009 will be the year that I make that 180 degree turn and become the proper, put-together person who I know lives inside me, I do know that this year will be about change.
In 2009 I will work to be less lazy. That's right, I said the L word. LAZY. Coming home from work and sitting on the couch surfing the internet knowing that I need to be washing dishes, doing laundry, mopping, etc. Keeping dishes in the sink for days? No more! Letting laundry pile up until my underwear drawer almost runs bare? Uh-uh.
I will work to be more dilligent about keeping up my personal appearance. Now, don't get me wrong, I won't be walking around looking like a diva 24/7 although you can expect a more consistent level of fabulosity. Keeping up with my hair and setting goals for growth (shout out to the ladies at LHCF), maintaining my nails, definitely keeping my eyebrows groomed (although I swear the Indian ladies in town are determined to keep me out of their threading circles!). I might even shave more often . . . no promises there though! I am also going to drink more water and hit the gym to get my sexy on- not only for the cruise this summer, but for the benefit of my overall health.
I will work to be more organized. Use a calendar and personal planner. Put things in their place when they are no longer in use. Get rid of things that I don't need/no longer use (Freecycle it). Plan out my activities to ensure that I get everything done in a timely fashion, and also to ensure that I don't forget anything. Know when the bills are due, keep up with my account balances.
I will also do more blogging in 2009. I need to get back to my writing, to expressing myself. I am thinking of starting a travel blog to document my experiences before, during, and after my trip overseas.
If I can do all of these things, I will have a very productive and satisfying year which is exactly what I need for 2009 to be. I am ready for change in a positive direction and the excitement that 2009 will hold. I will reach out my hand and take advantage of the opportunities that I am so blessed to be presented with. I will be walking through doors that lead me to success and fulfillment. Oh yes, 2009 will be divine!
I usually end the ear off with a recap of the past year's events. Well, it's now the 1st, so I missed that. Plus, I don't remember a lot of what happened in '08. I'm a bit too young for my memory to be fading so quickly, but that's neither here nor there. What is here though, is 2009. Happy New Year!
2008 was a great year for me. I'd almost say that it was one of the best years of my life actually, and I knew that '08 would be special from the beginning.
Now 2009. I don't usually make resolutions, but I applaud those who do- those who are courageous enough to face their inadequacies and resolve to change themselves for the better. I have shortcomings of my own, and while I can't say that 2009 will be the year that I make that 180 degree turn and become the proper, put-together person who I know lives inside me, I do know that this year will be about change.
In 2009 I will work to be less lazy. That's right, I said the L word. LAZY. Coming home from work and sitting on the couch surfing the internet knowing that I need to be washing dishes, doing laundry, mopping, etc. Keeping dishes in the sink for days? No more! Letting laundry pile up until my underwear drawer almost runs bare? Uh-uh.
I will work to be more dilligent about keeping up my personal appearance. Now, don't get me wrong, I won't be walking around looking like a diva 24/7 although you can expect a more consistent level of fabulosity. Keeping up with my hair and setting goals for growth (shout out to the ladies at LHCF), maintaining my nails, definitely keeping my eyebrows groomed (although I swear the Indian ladies in town are determined to keep me out of their threading circles!). I might even shave more often . . . no promises there though! I am also going to drink more water and hit the gym to get my sexy on- not only for the cruise this summer, but for the benefit of my overall health.
I will work to be more organized. Use a calendar and personal planner. Put things in their place when they are no longer in use. Get rid of things that I don't need/no longer use (Freecycle it). Plan out my activities to ensure that I get everything done in a timely fashion, and also to ensure that I don't forget anything. Know when the bills are due, keep up with my account balances.
I will also do more blogging in 2009. I need to get back to my writing, to expressing myself. I am thinking of starting a travel blog to document my experiences before, during, and after my trip overseas.
If I can do all of these things, I will have a very productive and satisfying year which is exactly what I need for 2009 to be. I am ready for change in a positive direction and the excitement that 2009 will hold. I will reach out my hand and take advantage of the opportunities that I am so blessed to be presented with. I will be walking through doors that lead me to success and fulfillment. Oh yes, 2009 will be divine!
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
I think an angel just walked into my office. A messenger from God.
Let me start at the beginning. I woke up this morning after falling asleep on my couch again, even though my bed was nice and inviting with new sheets and unobstructed by piles of clothing. I was glad to wake up early so that I would have time to thoroughly prepare for my day. I took a moment to look out the window and marvel at the newness of the day, observing the lateness in the sun's rising and the chill in the air. Fall is here. I turned on NPR and laid out and ironed my clothes for the day, rather than grabbing them off the hanger and rushing to put them on. I even picked out what accessories I'd wear and laid them to the side, settling on a vintage pair of earrings my mother gave me. They fit my style perfectly. I showered, did my hair, dressed and prepared food to take to work. I left the house feeling very well put together.
I walked into the building smiling and greeting everyone as they milled about attending to their tasks. Listening to my heels click down the hall, I sensed that it would be a good and productive day. I opened up the office and got right down to work.
After a couple of hours, this older gentleman walked into the office. A slender, older white guy- probably late 60's. He told me that he used to live across the street many many years ago, and used to go here when the building was still a school. This intrigued me, because many times I have walked these halls wondering just what it was like when it was full of students. He had a meeting with someone in the building, but was a week early (much to my amusement), so decided to stop in and see what the League was up to. I began to talk to him about what it is we do, the programs we're currently offering, etc. I didn't know what he really wanted, but I was glad that he expressed interest in the organization that I work for.
We began talking and I found out that he moved back to town after living in New Jersey. He explained how he worked in social services for years, doing everything from administrative work, to directing, and eventually becoming an independent consultant. Indeed a man after my own heart. He was very personable, yet non-intrusive, and something about this man allowed me to talk to him as if he was maybe one of my grandparents' friends. Someone who I didn't necessarily know, but who was not a total stranger. Turns out we have a lot in common. We were both first-generation college students, studied Sociology, worked in social service, and have similar values.
This older white man and young black woman sat down and barriers of race, class, status, and age fell away and we became two like-minded individuals. Individuals walking along the same continuum at different points. He marveled at how my eyes lit up as I talked about my goals and aspirations, and my love for what I do. I sat silent and observant as he discussed his experiences, perspectives, and his own personal journey. A conversation that started formally shifted to talk in a native language that only the likes of us recognize. A mother tongue conceived by and passed down directly from our Creator. We understood and identified with each other in a manner in which most people from completely different walks of life do not. It was a spiritual and humbling experience. Moments such as this one confirm the purpose and destiny that I aspire to fulfill, and for that I am most grateful.
Let me start at the beginning. I woke up this morning after falling asleep on my couch again, even though my bed was nice and inviting with new sheets and unobstructed by piles of clothing. I was glad to wake up early so that I would have time to thoroughly prepare for my day. I took a moment to look out the window and marvel at the newness of the day, observing the lateness in the sun's rising and the chill in the air. Fall is here. I turned on NPR and laid out and ironed my clothes for the day, rather than grabbing them off the hanger and rushing to put them on. I even picked out what accessories I'd wear and laid them to the side, settling on a vintage pair of earrings my mother gave me. They fit my style perfectly. I showered, did my hair, dressed and prepared food to take to work. I left the house feeling very well put together.
I walked into the building smiling and greeting everyone as they milled about attending to their tasks. Listening to my heels click down the hall, I sensed that it would be a good and productive day. I opened up the office and got right down to work.
After a couple of hours, this older gentleman walked into the office. A slender, older white guy- probably late 60's. He told me that he used to live across the street many many years ago, and used to go here when the building was still a school. This intrigued me, because many times I have walked these halls wondering just what it was like when it was full of students. He had a meeting with someone in the building, but was a week early (much to my amusement), so decided to stop in and see what the League was up to. I began to talk to him about what it is we do, the programs we're currently offering, etc. I didn't know what he really wanted, but I was glad that he expressed interest in the organization that I work for.
We began talking and I found out that he moved back to town after living in New Jersey. He explained how he worked in social services for years, doing everything from administrative work, to directing, and eventually becoming an independent consultant. Indeed a man after my own heart. He was very personable, yet non-intrusive, and something about this man allowed me to talk to him as if he was maybe one of my grandparents' friends. Someone who I didn't necessarily know, but who was not a total stranger. Turns out we have a lot in common. We were both first-generation college students, studied Sociology, worked in social service, and have similar values.
This older white man and young black woman sat down and barriers of race, class, status, and age fell away and we became two like-minded individuals. Individuals walking along the same continuum at different points. He marveled at how my eyes lit up as I talked about my goals and aspirations, and my love for what I do. I sat silent and observant as he discussed his experiences, perspectives, and his own personal journey. A conversation that started formally shifted to talk in a native language that only the likes of us recognize. A mother tongue conceived by and passed down directly from our Creator. We understood and identified with each other in a manner in which most people from completely different walks of life do not. It was a spiritual and humbling experience. Moments such as this one confirm the purpose and destiny that I aspire to fulfill, and for that I am most grateful.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
30 Days Hath September
I swear this month flew by, is it just me? I thoroughly enjoyed my birthday, it was filled with love and attention (2 things that I undeniably love). It started off with AD calling me- he was actually the first one to wish me happy bday. I appreciated that.
Of course I had to work but it wasn't so bad. KR called me while I was at work and sang Stevie Wonder's birthday song to me. Now, most people only sing the chorus, the "Happy birthday to ya" part. But KR actually knows the words, so that made it really special. She is so sweet.
Then, my Caribbean power couple blessed me with some stuff I desperately desired. . . and fed me!!! They empowered me to shop, and you KNOW I won't dissapoint them!
Symonie bought me a purple pair of shoes. Bangin!!! Of course, I had asked her for them and lil sis sure did deliver.
Therese. Ohhhhhh Theresie. She.got.me.this.lamp. that perfectly matches my decor!!!! It is so cute, I couldn't have picked a better lamp for myself. Makes my living room all sexified- watch out now!!
That night AD, Therese, Lui, and I went out to this spot where a jazz band was playing. It was grown and sexy and just the thing that I needed to be doing on my bday.
All in all it was a great birthday, and a great month really. I am grateful to enter into another year of life and I plan to make it a prosperous one.
I swear this month flew by, is it just me? I thoroughly enjoyed my birthday, it was filled with love and attention (2 things that I undeniably love). It started off with AD calling me- he was actually the first one to wish me happy bday. I appreciated that.
Of course I had to work but it wasn't so bad. KR called me while I was at work and sang Stevie Wonder's birthday song to me. Now, most people only sing the chorus, the "Happy birthday to ya" part. But KR actually knows the words, so that made it really special. She is so sweet.
Then, my Caribbean power couple blessed me with some stuff I desperately desired. . . and fed me!!! They empowered me to shop, and you KNOW I won't dissapoint them!
Symonie bought me a purple pair of shoes. Bangin!!! Of course, I had asked her for them and lil sis sure did deliver.
Therese. Ohhhhhh Theresie. She.got.me.this.lamp. that perfectly matches my decor!!!! It is so cute, I couldn't have picked a better lamp for myself. Makes my living room all sexified- watch out now!!
That night AD, Therese, Lui, and I went out to this spot where a jazz band was playing. It was grown and sexy and just the thing that I needed to be doing on my bday.
All in all it was a great birthday, and a great month really. I am grateful to enter into another year of life and I plan to make it a prosperous one.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
I Want It All
Indulgence. What a sweet word, it just rolls of the tongue. Indulgence. . . like smooth velvety chocolate. Indulge . . . purple velvet caressing my shoulders. Indulgent . . . full and thoroughly satisfied.
I think I have been giving myself far too much lately. I have been lazy, indulgent, and have lacked discipline for the past 2 weeks or so. I am buying what I want, eating what I want, doing what I want!!
Maybe it's because it's almost my birthday. I personally like for my birthday to be a week-long celebration (Happy birthweek?)- maybe I'm overextending it lol. But despite all the things I've been giving myself, there is more that I desire.
My Birthday List
Ok, we all have one thing on that birthday list that we know we're not going to get. When I was a kid, it was a Gameboy. Now that I'm older, it's the iPhone.
A jar of Extra-Virgin Coconut Oil
Perhaps a strange birthday request, but it's good for a lot of uses!
A bottle of Jojoba Oil
This is a must for the natural hair mixologist!
Some Pretty Purple Fabric
Purple is becoming one of my new top colors, but it must be an eggplant or plum color. Not Barney Purple. I think I'd like to make a nice sassy pencil skirt out of it!
iPhone
I wonder how many of these things I will actually get for my birthday. Maybe if I get some birthday money, I'll be able to indulge once again!
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Never Let A Man Put His Hands On You
"Never let a man put his hands on you." My mother raised me with this advice. She always taught me that it is NEVER acceptable for any man, boy, or any member of the male gender to EVER lay a hand against me. And if he ever did . . . to wear his ass out.
She started teaching me this long before she ever mentioned that she had been a victim of domestic violence. I couldn't believe that MY mother, as strong and tough as she is, had ever been hit by a man. Repeatedly. It wasn't like a one-time thing that happened because he was so mad he couldn't control himself. It was an abusive relationship. But, I guess she learned from her past and passed that lesson on to me so that I wouldn't have to learn the hard way.
Now, the women in my family are tough. I've watched my mother brawl with her ex-husband. My grandmother shot one of her ex-boyfriends cuz he kept messing with her. Her sister, my great aunt, was the first female sheriff in her town. These women ain't no punks! I will never forget last Thanksgiving. All the family was there, and every older woman-grandmother, great aunt, great-grandmother- individually pulled me to the side at some point to tell me the same thing, "Never let a man hit you." And each time, this piece of advice was followed up by a story in which the woman- grandmother, aunt, etc- was hit by the current or former man, and how she basically went buck wild on him, and he never hit her again. My aunt even said, "That's why we're still together today." Now, this was about a month after the breakup. They had all received news of the engagement, but the breakup was still fresh. Noone really knew yet that we were no longer together, and that I wasn't with any man to have to worry about being hit, but I took the advice. And I will keep those gems of wisdom close to my heart.
I just wish that other women received the same messages.
Almost every week I hear my neighbors fighting. They are a young couple. Well- she's young, and he's about 10 years her senior. The fighting escalates from arguing to throwing things around to. . . him throwing her around. I hear her being shoved into things, pushed around, hit. . . I hear her crying and screaming out "Why are you doing this to me????" and it breaks my heart. I even had to call the police on them one day, because I was so scared of what was happening on the other side of that wall. The police came. They both insisted that it was just a little spat that they were having, even after the officer asked him why he was sweating so much.
"Oh, man, it's hot in there. I just need to turn on the air conditioning, you know?" It's not that hot in your apartment on a 60 degree night.
The thing that gets me is that she stays. She keeps coming back to him everyday, no matter what he does. I want to talk to this girl, and I know I can't tell anybody what they should or should not do, but maybe she doesn't know that she has other options. Maybe noone ever told her that she doesn't have to put up with his maniac behavior. And I don't wanna get all up in other people's business, but if it were my sister, friend, or my daughter in the same situation I would want someone to talk to them. Hopefully though, they will heed that same advice that was passed on to me, "Never let a man put his hands on you."
"Never let a man put his hands on you." My mother raised me with this advice. She always taught me that it is NEVER acceptable for any man, boy, or any member of the male gender to EVER lay a hand against me. And if he ever did . . . to wear his ass out.
She started teaching me this long before she ever mentioned that she had been a victim of domestic violence. I couldn't believe that MY mother, as strong and tough as she is, had ever been hit by a man. Repeatedly. It wasn't like a one-time thing that happened because he was so mad he couldn't control himself. It was an abusive relationship. But, I guess she learned from her past and passed that lesson on to me so that I wouldn't have to learn the hard way.
Now, the women in my family are tough. I've watched my mother brawl with her ex-husband. My grandmother shot one of her ex-boyfriends cuz he kept messing with her. Her sister, my great aunt, was the first female sheriff in her town. These women ain't no punks! I will never forget last Thanksgiving. All the family was there, and every older woman-grandmother, great aunt, great-grandmother- individually pulled me to the side at some point to tell me the same thing, "Never let a man hit you." And each time, this piece of advice was followed up by a story in which the woman- grandmother, aunt, etc- was hit by the current or former man, and how she basically went buck wild on him, and he never hit her again. My aunt even said, "That's why we're still together today." Now, this was about a month after the breakup. They had all received news of the engagement, but the breakup was still fresh. Noone really knew yet that we were no longer together, and that I wasn't with any man to have to worry about being hit, but I took the advice. And I will keep those gems of wisdom close to my heart.
I just wish that other women received the same messages.
Almost every week I hear my neighbors fighting. They are a young couple. Well- she's young, and he's about 10 years her senior. The fighting escalates from arguing to throwing things around to. . . him throwing her around. I hear her being shoved into things, pushed around, hit. . . I hear her crying and screaming out "Why are you doing this to me????" and it breaks my heart. I even had to call the police on them one day, because I was so scared of what was happening on the other side of that wall. The police came. They both insisted that it was just a little spat that they were having, even after the officer asked him why he was sweating so much.
"Oh, man, it's hot in there. I just need to turn on the air conditioning, you know?" It's not that hot in your apartment on a 60 degree night.
The thing that gets me is that she stays. She keeps coming back to him everyday, no matter what he does. I want to talk to this girl, and I know I can't tell anybody what they should or should not do, but maybe she doesn't know that she has other options. Maybe noone ever told her that she doesn't have to put up with his maniac behavior. And I don't wanna get all up in other people's business, but if it were my sister, friend, or my daughter in the same situation I would want someone to talk to them. Hopefully though, they will heed that same advice that was passed on to me, "Never let a man put his hands on you."
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Letters To My Former Present Self
Dear Elizabeth,
It has been a long time since I last saw you. I mean, I see you around every now and again going off to work, at the store, and sometimes out running errands, but I rarely get a chance to actually chat with you and see how life is going. I hope that things are going well.
Are you still working at the Farm? It's funny because I remember you telling me that you would only be there for a year- no more. You didn't want to be one of those "Farm people," and Lord knows you never did consider yourself to be the corporate type. Now here it is going on two years! Funny how plans change, isn't it? I don't blame you though, you have to make money because those bills aren't going to pay themselves. Besides, it's a good company. Just make sure you get everything out of it that you can while you still work there, and I'm not talking about free lanyards and pens!! They have a host of professional development opportunities and courses that you could really benefit from. You might as well take advantage.
And then you and this two job thing, what is that?? You always did kill me with that one. I don't know how you always managed to have multiple jobs instead of just one full-time job, but hey- if it works for you, then go right ahead. It just baffles me, but I guess you know what you're doing even if nobody else does. Or do you? Nevertheless, just make sure you don't work yourself too much and don't make your plate too full. I know you're young and all, but you only have one life to live, and you don't need to live it all behind a desk and keyboard. Get out there, have some fun, meet some guys, get some drinks . . . Do it big every now and again.
Speaking of doing it big, it's really time for you to step up your professional game. I know, I know, you're working two jobs and all and I'm not suggesting that you work more; I'm suggesting that you do more with your work. Compared to most your age, you are doing fairly well for yourself professionally, but you've got to start taking life by the horns instead of always riding wherever it takes you. To me it seems like you and the forces have a special understanding. They always seem to take you to the right places at the right times with the right people. Stay in touch with that force and don't let it go. It has brought you to places and put you in situations that you never would have been able to realize through your own efforts. Now imagine, just imagine what you could do by combining your effort with the force that guides you. I promise you that you would soar even higher. You will do yourself and your community a disservice if you are afraid to spread your wings. Some people need to see you fly so that they will know that they too can do it.
Your mother always told you that actions speak louder than words. I know you think that people don't always listen to you, and well, it's true. They don't always listen to you. But they do see you. And they watch you. And that, Elizabeth, is how they will hear you. You have the power to communicate to others through your actions, and what's amazing is that you will speak to people who you don't even know, who may not even know you. I remember when you were a little girl, just a little bitty thing, no more than six or seven years old. You watched the news with your mother and the stories of shootings, and wars, and starving children overseas just broke your little heart. Most kids would have cared less. And I remember how just before going to bed, you would pray earnestly for peace on earth. You would pray as if your life depended on it. Do you still pray?
I know that "save the world" spirit still lives in you, but it will be up to you to realize your own potential. Know that this world needs you. Don't be afraid to run when everyone else is walking. Besides, you need to learn how to just look stupid sometimes. Maybe you should start by learning how to ride a bike, just because you fall doesn't mean you fail. Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there to get the most out of life. Yeah, you might look stupid sometimes (and as put together as you think you are, you look stupid sometimes now), you will fall sometimes, you will hurt. You will mess up and be embarrassed. There will be times when no one will understand what the heck you are doing, and why you are doing it, but just make sure you know.
Anyway, I didn't mean to lecture you, I just got carried away. I love you and I want to see you at your best. I know you're at work and all, so hopefully I haven't taken up too much of your time. I look forward to seeing you soon!!
With love,
Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
It has been a long time since I last saw you. I mean, I see you around every now and again going off to work, at the store, and sometimes out running errands, but I rarely get a chance to actually chat with you and see how life is going. I hope that things are going well.
Are you still working at the Farm? It's funny because I remember you telling me that you would only be there for a year- no more. You didn't want to be one of those "Farm people," and Lord knows you never did consider yourself to be the corporate type. Now here it is going on two years! Funny how plans change, isn't it? I don't blame you though, you have to make money because those bills aren't going to pay themselves. Besides, it's a good company. Just make sure you get everything out of it that you can while you still work there, and I'm not talking about free lanyards and pens!! They have a host of professional development opportunities and courses that you could really benefit from. You might as well take advantage.
And then you and this two job thing, what is that?? You always did kill me with that one. I don't know how you always managed to have multiple jobs instead of just one full-time job, but hey- if it works for you, then go right ahead. It just baffles me, but I guess you know what you're doing even if nobody else does. Or do you? Nevertheless, just make sure you don't work yourself too much and don't make your plate too full. I know you're young and all, but you only have one life to live, and you don't need to live it all behind a desk and keyboard. Get out there, have some fun, meet some guys, get some drinks . . . Do it big every now and again.
Speaking of doing it big, it's really time for you to step up your professional game. I know, I know, you're working two jobs and all and I'm not suggesting that you work more; I'm suggesting that you do more with your work. Compared to most your age, you are doing fairly well for yourself professionally, but you've got to start taking life by the horns instead of always riding wherever it takes you. To me it seems like you and the forces have a special understanding. They always seem to take you to the right places at the right times with the right people. Stay in touch with that force and don't let it go. It has brought you to places and put you in situations that you never would have been able to realize through your own efforts. Now imagine, just imagine what you could do by combining your effort with the force that guides you. I promise you that you would soar even higher. You will do yourself and your community a disservice if you are afraid to spread your wings. Some people need to see you fly so that they will know that they too can do it.
Your mother always told you that actions speak louder than words. I know you think that people don't always listen to you, and well, it's true. They don't always listen to you. But they do see you. And they watch you. And that, Elizabeth, is how they will hear you. You have the power to communicate to others through your actions, and what's amazing is that you will speak to people who you don't even know, who may not even know you. I remember when you were a little girl, just a little bitty thing, no more than six or seven years old. You watched the news with your mother and the stories of shootings, and wars, and starving children overseas just broke your little heart. Most kids would have cared less. And I remember how just before going to bed, you would pray earnestly for peace on earth. You would pray as if your life depended on it. Do you still pray?
I know that "save the world" spirit still lives in you, but it will be up to you to realize your own potential. Know that this world needs you. Don't be afraid to run when everyone else is walking. Besides, you need to learn how to just look stupid sometimes. Maybe you should start by learning how to ride a bike, just because you fall doesn't mean you fail. Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there to get the most out of life. Yeah, you might look stupid sometimes (and as put together as you think you are, you look stupid sometimes now), you will fall sometimes, you will hurt. You will mess up and be embarrassed. There will be times when no one will understand what the heck you are doing, and why you are doing it, but just make sure you know.
Anyway, I didn't mean to lecture you, I just got carried away. I love you and I want to see you at your best. I know you're at work and all, so hopefully I haven't taken up too much of your time. I look forward to seeing you soon!!
With love,
Elizabeth
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Sunday, Sunday
I cherish these Sundays. Lazy, laid back, free flowing. I don't like to plan anything on my Sundays, not even a plan to get together with friends who I'd otherwise be with. Plans aren't for Sundays. Everything should happen spontaneously.
Monday through Saturday my life is planned out. I know what time I have to wake up, what time I have to be at work, what times I'll need to eat in order to not be starving later in the day, and what time I'll need to go to sleep in order to do it all the next day.
But Sundays are for me and those who I wish to be with. Catching up with friends and family, catching up with myself. Shopping, cleaning. Tending to MY needs in MY time. Cooking (which I never get to do during the week). Its lovely, it really is.
But as of now, I've spent enough of my day in a leisurely fashion. I need to do laundry, cook for the week, do my hair, and clean the place.
Ready for another week. I think it'll be a good one :)
I cherish these Sundays. Lazy, laid back, free flowing. I don't like to plan anything on my Sundays, not even a plan to get together with friends who I'd otherwise be with. Plans aren't for Sundays. Everything should happen spontaneously.
Monday through Saturday my life is planned out. I know what time I have to wake up, what time I have to be at work, what times I'll need to eat in order to not be starving later in the day, and what time I'll need to go to sleep in order to do it all the next day.
But Sundays are for me and those who I wish to be with. Catching up with friends and family, catching up with myself. Shopping, cleaning. Tending to MY needs in MY time. Cooking (which I never get to do during the week). Its lovely, it really is.
But as of now, I've spent enough of my day in a leisurely fashion. I need to do laundry, cook for the week, do my hair, and clean the place.
Ready for another week. I think it'll be a good one :)
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Wake Up
I've never had too many problems falling asleep at night. I can fall asleep in bed, on the couch, on the floor, or even kneeling over a project. Sleep is a gem sent from the heavens, and I am so blessed that it comes so easily to me.
I really just enjoy sleep. I can sleep at work, in class, at the doctor's office, and even at the movie theater. I can sleep in a house, I can sleep on a mouse. I can sleep in the car, I can sleep with the stars. I even like when I'm sleeping, and I wake up just slightly only to realize that I'm asleep. I get so happy by the fact that I'm sleeping, that I go back to sleep and start the joyful process all over again.
Seriously, good sleep is up there with the other joys in life like good sex, good food, and good weather. To have all four. . .who could ask for more???? How could you not be at peace with life to have good sleep every night, good weather every day, and good sex follwed by some good food?? Utopia!!!!
You know how they have those bumper stickers, "I'd Rather Be Fishing". . .mine would say "I'd Rather Be Sleeping." In fact, that's just what I want to do right now, which might be why I'm waxing poetic about it lol.
I've never had too many problems falling asleep at night. I can fall asleep in bed, on the couch, on the floor, or even kneeling over a project. Sleep is a gem sent from the heavens, and I am so blessed that it comes so easily to me.
I really just enjoy sleep. I can sleep at work, in class, at the doctor's office, and even at the movie theater. I can sleep in a house, I can sleep on a mouse. I can sleep in the car, I can sleep with the stars. I even like when I'm sleeping, and I wake up just slightly only to realize that I'm asleep. I get so happy by the fact that I'm sleeping, that I go back to sleep and start the joyful process all over again.
Seriously, good sleep is up there with the other joys in life like good sex, good food, and good weather. To have all four. . .who could ask for more???? How could you not be at peace with life to have good sleep every night, good weather every day, and good sex follwed by some good food?? Utopia!!!!
You know how they have those bumper stickers, "I'd Rather Be Fishing". . .mine would say "I'd Rather Be Sleeping." In fact, that's just what I want to do right now, which might be why I'm waxing poetic about it lol.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I'm Great
I've never been too good at bragging on myself. That could be why I have trouble with those "about me" sections of profiles. You want to present the best image of yourself, and if you really are great, how can you tell people that without sounding like a pretentious egomaniac?
I'm putting together the end-of-year banquet program. Dr. S asked me to be the alumna speaker. I think I can do that, public speaking has never been an issue for me. What I'm going to talk about, I have no idea, but hopefully an inspiring message will come to me in the next week or so. The problem is that I have to write up a bio of myself to put in the program.
I'm looking at the past programs, and all of their alumni had so many accomplishments. Real accomplishments.
"Mr. So and So grew up here and went to high school here. He was the captain of the football team and played on the All-State Team. He was president of this organization, earned these scholarships, and now does this and that with his Fraternity. He went to a prestigious HBCU and got a great job afterwards. He is now pursuing his Master's degree."
Damn. What am I going to say about myself? How can I tell everyone that I struggled through undergrad, didn't even end up officially earning my minor (although I still claim it- that damn last class!!!), and work in front of a computer 11 hours a day and make it sound good? What am I supposed to say, that I want to go back to school to get my Master's, but am too indecisive and broke? Maybe I could mention all the grand ideas I have, and that I have the "potential" to make them happen, but don't stay motivated.
But I do tutor spanish. I"ll have to include that. Let's face it- I'm not accomplished. I'm not doing badly, I mean, I do have a job, apartment, car, etc. I am taking care of myself and being responsible. I pay my bills on time (but I return library books late). I know that I'm doing more for myself than a lot of people my age, but when you boil it down, I'm just doing what grown people do. Taking care of business. That's nothing spectacular.
But let me get back to the subject at hand, which is that I don't like to brag on myself. I can only do so when being funny or sarcastic. I do have some accomplishments. I just don't want to be the one responsible for listing them in a way that makes me appear to be an outstanding citizen. Maybe I can get Dr. S to write it??
I've never been too good at bragging on myself. That could be why I have trouble with those "about me" sections of profiles. You want to present the best image of yourself, and if you really are great, how can you tell people that without sounding like a pretentious egomaniac?
I'm putting together the end-of-year banquet program. Dr. S asked me to be the alumna speaker. I think I can do that, public speaking has never been an issue for me. What I'm going to talk about, I have no idea, but hopefully an inspiring message will come to me in the next week or so. The problem is that I have to write up a bio of myself to put in the program.
I'm looking at the past programs, and all of their alumni had so many accomplishments. Real accomplishments.
"Mr. So and So grew up here and went to high school here. He was the captain of the football team and played on the All-State Team. He was president of this organization, earned these scholarships, and now does this and that with his Fraternity. He went to a prestigious HBCU and got a great job afterwards. He is now pursuing his Master's degree."
Damn. What am I going to say about myself? How can I tell everyone that I struggled through undergrad, didn't even end up officially earning my minor (although I still claim it- that damn last class!!!), and work in front of a computer 11 hours a day and make it sound good? What am I supposed to say, that I want to go back to school to get my Master's, but am too indecisive and broke? Maybe I could mention all the grand ideas I have, and that I have the "potential" to make them happen, but don't stay motivated.
But I do tutor spanish. I"ll have to include that. Let's face it- I'm not accomplished. I'm not doing badly, I mean, I do have a job, apartment, car, etc. I am taking care of myself and being responsible. I pay my bills on time (but I return library books late). I know that I'm doing more for myself than a lot of people my age, but when you boil it down, I'm just doing what grown people do. Taking care of business. That's nothing spectacular.
But let me get back to the subject at hand, which is that I don't like to brag on myself. I can only do so when being funny or sarcastic. I do have some accomplishments. I just don't want to be the one responsible for listing them in a way that makes me appear to be an outstanding citizen. Maybe I can get Dr. S to write it??
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