Tuesday Haiku

I don't understand

Girls afraid to talk to guys

I say bring it on.

(Sometimes I have to

Use my fingers to count the

Haiku syllables.)

Monday Haiku

There is so much work

If I don't make some progress

Failure awaits me

-Lyric

Once again, I have procrastinated myself into a ditch. Now I must struggle to dig my way out of it, and time is running short. What is it about school and me that produces such an adversion to work? Is this every college student's cry?

Speaking of college students, I have decided that there are only four major components to a college student's wardrobe.
Tops:
1. T-shirts
2. Sweatshirts (mainly hoodies)
Bottoms:
1. Jeans
2. Sweatpants (this category includes all pants that are made of cotton, or a cotton/polyester blend and stretch, usually with some form of elastic waistband. This is inclusive of Sweatpants, Yoga pants, and pajama pants.)
That, Ladies and Gentlemen is about it. Of course there are some minor deviations from this i.e. tank tops, mini-skirts, and shorts.

Back to work, maybe making a list of mi tarea will help me see it more concretely than just talking about it.
2 Papers for English
2 Papers for Communications
1 Project (almost done) for Communications
1 Project for Statistics
1 Test for statistics
2 Papers for Music Appreciation
1 Assignment for Photography
1 Project for Photography

The only way I can conceivably diminish this pile of work is to make goals, and take it one bite at a time.

Let's get crunchin'!

By the way, Lyric is my decided coffe-shop name (Big Ups to HumanityCritic).

Please come find me
look for me
search for me
and tell me where I am

How far have I gone now?
Am I close to the end?
Am I losing the game or
Do you think I might win?
Can you please come find me
And tell me where I am
Then point me to that red X
Marking the spot where
I begin my success
Open that treasure chest
To find that I can really be my best
And transgress
The expectations of those who keep me lost

Look for me
Search for me
I was last found under the Knowledge Tree
Learning about the world, the ills of society
Questioning God, questioning me
Struggling to gain sight of my destiny
Looking so hard, but failing to see
I know over there is where I came from
And I haven't forgotten
That I've only come this far thanks to those breaking their backs to pick cotton
Should I
Backtrack my steps and try this journey again?
Hell no! To go back to the beginning is to reach my end
I've come too far to go through all of this again
It's taken blood, sweat, time and tears
Facing adverstity and facing fears
Listening to my peers with fingers in both ears
Learning from experiences, mistakes and sins
Still running, looking behind me while so much of life dissapears
I've come too far to go through all of this again.

You can stop looking for me
Don't waste the time
Because this life is not yours, this life is mine
Then I can proudly stand up and say
That I found my way
To that red X
Marking the spot where I began my success
I opened that treasure chest
And found that I really could be my best
And as for life, I'm ready for the rest.

I'm Feeling So

smothered
suffocated
immobile
powerless
bound

I've had some time to think.

Okay.
It has been about 4 hours since I found out that Max got married.
At first, I was *_* mad stunned. Literally as if I'd been hit with a stun gun, frozen with the incapability to produce thoughts of feeling.
Now I can think a little more and I need to express these feelings.

I feel a little sad, not only because he is with somebody else, but he is with somebody else PERMANENTLY. Marriage is such a big step! And WHY didn't he tell me he was engaged BEFORE we 'engaged' ourselves in our own thing? Isn't that weird? I mean, technically he had someone else, although they kinda weren't together. So did he cheat on her or not? Am I just sloppy seconds? Anyway, back to the sadness, him being married means that I can never (rightfully) hold him in my arms again, be held in his arms again, kiss his full, delicious lips again. . . NEVER. I am determined not to help this man be an adulterer, cuz please believe it can happen. I would hate for my man to cheat on me, whether I knew it or not, whether I was in the same country or not. I don't want to do that to another woman.

I feel unconcluded, because there were and are SOOO many things I never told him about how I felt about him. Now, none of those feelings matter, because he is a married man.

I feel like telling myself (for the second time this week) "It's not fair!!!!" But you know what, it's not about me. It's not right for me to be selfish, but I am a part of this situation and therefore do have resulting emotions.

I feel a little jealous. Not sure of whom though.

Mostly, I still feel shocked. To me, marriage is such a big deal. I'm a little bit in denial and fully aware of it. is that strange?

This is all so new.

He's the Numba #1 Stunna. . . . .wha. . .wha. .wha. .what. .WHAT????????

Making small talk.
How is my mother doing? Fine, working a lot.
My sister, oh, she's having some trouble in school.
How is work? Oh, you get 2 days off a week now? That's good.
*awkward silence*

How is your um. . .fiancee. . .girl. . .person?
Oh. *sheepish grin* *pause* My Wife.
Your. . .Wife? *not comprehending the english language*
Yes, I got married.
WOW!!! YOU GOT MARRIED?? Well congratulations!. . .(followed by a host of questions, are you going to bring her here, etc)

"We wear the mask that grins and lies"
It was a Halloween Mardi Gras Masquerade up in that mug.

He's a MARRIED man now. Imagine that.

I am not upset, I knew he would not, could not, should not always be mine.

I am however stunned to the point of no return.

This is all so new and weird.

I'm not sure if I believe it. I'm not sure if I want to believe it. This is all so new and weird.

He's married.

I wish I wasn't fat

Right now, If I wasn't fat (and If the sky wasn't turning dark with clouds forewarning the thunderstorm, and if I didn't have a class to go to, and if I had some better gym shoes on) I would go running. I feel like running right now, running so fast, running for my life.

Not on a track though. Running on a track is running in circles and I'm not quite in a running in circles mood.

I would like to run either on a trail, like a beaten path type of trail, or just in some natural place. I wanna run so fast that I feel the still air turning into wind on my face, and it cools my whole being. I wanna run so hard that every muscle in my body is exerted to its fullest capacity, not even minding if I sweat (but I won't sweat cuz I'll be cooled by the air). I wanna run with such a rush of adrenaline that although my body is working to the maximum, arms and legs pumping like crazy, I'm not feeling the least bit winded. I wanna feel like my feet are barely touching the ground. I just wanna run.

But I'm a lil too fat for all that, so I'ma just sit here at this computer screen, mabye eat a pack of donuts lol.

I also feel like writing. I wanna write words so powerful that they draw the reader in with each and every single sentence, every single word, every single letter. I wanna write the words that move the masses, that motivate the citizens of the world to action to better their lives and the condition of life as a whole. I wanna write the words that prick and provoke those feelings of the heart, just as a pin pricking a finger. I wish I could write where my audience would feel and identify with every anguish, struggle, heartache, joy, pride and satisfaction. I want to write with such humor that brings alligator tears of deep laughter to one's eyes, causing that laughter that comes from the pit of the stomach and is felt throughout the whole body; foot-stomping, stomach cramping, hand-clapping, eye-watering, barely able to breathe laugh. The power of words and communication is amazing.

I want to be beautiful. Not pretty, not foine , definately not cute. I want to posess that inherent beauty that captivates, even merely from my posture and the way I carry myself. That beauty that lets everyone around me know that I am a queen, noble and virtuous, yet maintaining a deep sense of humility and compassion. Non-intimidating beauty that draws people in like a magnet, causing me to be that person that people just want to know. "What is it about her??" type beauty. The beauty that mesmerizes when I walk into a room, beauty that makes my conversation both intellectual and well-thought, yet down to earth. Beauty like the sunset that ends the perfect day, only to lead to that sunrise of the next.

I think I have a long way to go, I mean, even the most precious of the elements (i.e. diamonds, silver, and gold) must be refined. But even before their refining, their most stunning qualities are already present.

A Stumble in My Walk

You
have become like the rock in my shoe
I never invited your presence
You just invaded my space
and created a stumble and a limp
in a walk that should've been full of grace.

But you,
unlike the rock in my shoe
are unmovable.
I cannot simply put a halt to my struggled stride and
remove that shoe
and shake out that rock-you
and continue my life's journey happily
because you
are a part of me.

Life Has A Strange Way

A strange way of what? Just a strange way. It's so complex (do we make it that way or is it just that way?)

I'm tired. I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired of school, I'm tired of my jobs, I'm tired of being broke, I'm tired of being bored (bored meaning nothing exciting going on, not nothing going on), I'm tired of this rock in my shoe.

In other news, my father is supposedly coming to town this weekend. I will believe that when I see it, but I am much more anticipating my letter from Knox which should be here this week. I thought about calling them, but I'm scared to. I'll just wait. Anyway, back to my father. I kinda feel sorry for him. I was thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure that he doesn't know how to be a father. His father was never around when he was growing up, so maybe he just doesn't know what to do. I think people often think that parenting should come naturally, but if you look at half the parents out here, we can see that theory disprove itself. So, I think it's pretty sad that he doesn't know how to be a father. That is helping me to have a little mercy on him. Thinking about him coming to town, I have this image in my head of me taking him out to dinner (yes, refusing to let him pay) and telling him so much that's on my mind. He wouldn't be able to go anywhere, and I wouldn't let him change the subject like he does on the phone. He would be at my mercy MUAHAAAHAHAHAA!!!!

I would tell him all the things he doesen't wanna hear, starting with how upset I am with him because of him not being able to be a productive member of society, if you know what I mean. (note-making liscence plates does not count as being productive). Then I will move on to how his absense has affected me, both negatively and positively. That will be a great lead-in to the Max issue, which will be the main kicker.

Now this, I have a script for.

Oh My Goodness Lawd

You have GOT to read Humanity Critic's latest entry. Classique.

I'm Scurrrreeed!

Last night I was in one of my creative moods. It was about 11pm or so and I started making some jewelry. I came across these charms I'd bought a while ago, and they all say the same thing: Follow Your Heart.

I sat there for a while thinking about those words, and what they mean to me. I thought about what my life would be like if I "followed my heart" all the time, and I think it might actually be more fulfilling. That fulfillment, however, would come at it's price because following my heart would surely land me on my butt lots of times. I never did like falling. . . That's why I can't ride a bike now.

When it comes down to it, I'm scared to follow my heart. I feel much safer following my mind, which more often than not doubts my heart. When you follow your heart, you do that thing that you want to do without rationalizing or weighing the pros and cons (which I do way too much of). Following my heart would have me picking up that phone and dialing those 7 digits that just may lead to a little piece of happiness in my life. Following my heart could also lead to my embarrasment and woe.

That's it. Following one' s heart is a black and white thing. Rationality leads this great grey area of uncertainty, but following the heart either produces good results or bad. Either you will be lifted up, or you will fall on your face.

Follow your heart.

Why follow your heart? Who says the heart is always right? Couldn't following your heart get you into a load of trouble?? Who or what gives the hear authority to lead which way to go?

But maybe I could try it. Just for one day, follow my heart, or maybe for a week. It could be an experiment! You should try it to, and we can log our experiences. It could be called the "Follow your heart project".

Who's in?

I Remember When

I remember when you told me that you were fond of me. I looked you in your eyes and told you that I already knew. When you gave me that classic "whatchu talkin' bout Willis??" look, I managed to surpress my laugh. You asked me how I knew. I just know these things, like so many other things I "just know" and like so many things you "just know" about me. I looked you in the eye and smiled because you looked so cute and baffled then.

I remember then.

Blog Hopping has its Benefits

So I was blog hopping today, and I didn't get very far when I found the most hilarious thing. It's a "translator" of sorts. It translates your text into Jive, Valley Girl, Pig Latin or "Swedish Chef". I had some fun with my writing and the translations.

I know de day gots'ta come
Dat ah' gots'ta see him wid anoda' one
And ah' gots'ta wonda' if she be likes me.

What it is, Mama! Will dey do de wahtahmelluns dat we dun did?
Will dey kiss de way dat we kissed?
What dun did ah' do wrong t'lose him?

Maybe she gots'ta be mo'e decisive dan I
Maybe she gots'ta easily part ha' dighs
Allow him t'love ha' wid no hesitashun

I hope dat she gots'ta be
All he wants's and needs
But dat he gots'ta still consida' me special.
(my favorite is the "what it is mama?")

(T, think of that French accent with this one lol)
Efee zee sters vere-a sheening
egeeenst thet bleck felfet ooff zee sky
joost es hees lufely iyes elsu shune-a veet oonly her refflecshun in zeem
tu let her knoo
thet she-a ves reelly zeere-
a letteeng her meend dreefft beck tu thet neeght
vey tuu cluse-a tu Peredeese-a

Ohh, fun fun fun.

There is another poem idea I've been having in my head lately. If I don't write it down, I might forget it, but if I do then I might not get in the mood to write the poem. hmmmm. Let me just say that it's about how my name is long and usually doesn't fit on the line. lol suspense? I hope so. . .

Today I'm in a quite melancholy mood. It all started in photo class where i firstly got a bad grade on an assignment (40/50) then also a bad grade on the quiz (14/20). To top it off, I had left my other roll of film I needed to develop at home and the one I did develop had very few good shots and my negatives got messed up anyway.

Then. . .
My interpersonal communications class kept talking about me. The teacher was making us talk about feelings in different scenarios. Scenario one: You see your ex with another 'lover', how do you feel?

Awwww Daaaannngg!! I was just having a conversation about this with somebody. Is this a forewarning to prepare myself for the heartbreak? I know that one of these days, maybe soon, I'm gonna see him with someone else, and I seriously don't know how I'm supposed to handle that. It's odd, because I never considered myself as loving him, so why am I feeling so much for him now? Why do I miss him? Why am i concerned about his well-being? Why do I not want to see him with another woman?

I know the day will come
That I will see him with another one
And I will wonder if she is like me.

Will they do the things that we did?
Will they kiss the way that we kissed?
What did I do wrong to lose him?

Maybe she will be more decisive than I
Maybe she will easily part her thighs
Allow him to love her with no hesitation

I hope that she will be
All he wants and needs
But that he will still consider me special.

A Poem for Tura

she is captivated
with everything her mind associated
with him
so frustrated
by not knowing which way to go and what to do with
the thoughts and feelings for him
letting her mind drift back to that night
way too close to Paradise
she and her Prince oh so charming
kissing under the moonlight
Even the stars were shining
against that black velvet of the sky
just as his lovely eyes also shone
with only her reflection in them to let her know
that she was really there
letting her mind drift back to that night
way too close to Paradise
struggling to fight
that feeling that she felt when he kissed her oh so right
"Come to Paradise with me" said he
but she just couldn't fathom and believe
that this could really be
That her Prince, oh so charming
on this perfect night so close to Paradise
was offering the first kiss of her life
and taking her breath away
she couldn't fathom and believe that it could be.
And though it was, she didn't want to see.
So she never went to Paradise,
decided to stay on the safe side of life
and not walk on that ledge leading to a place a little too perfect
and now,
she is captivated
with everything her mind associated
with him
so frustrated
by not knowing which way to go and what to do with
the thoughts and feelings for him
letting her mind drift back to that night
way too close to Paradise

Open This Mic

Last night Sonia and I went to an open mic event at ISU. It was quite interesting. I can't really say that I liked it all that much, because it was quite unorganized and a lot of the time seemed like they didn't know what the heck to do, so people were just chillin on the stage, making jokes and unusual comments. However, a couple of good things did come from it.

(this song is a bit paraphrased)
1: "When I first saw you, you was looking too cute and I turned to my boy and said. then he said, 'naw dawg, I heard she got the sauce and something, something something."
anyway the chorus was something like
"I only like mild sauce on my fries, you got that venom in your thighs"
The song was so funny, and reminded me of at least one person I know. They had lyrics in there talkin bout "I saw you coming out the clinic with a bag of perscriptions" and "You need to cool your loving down." There are definately people who needed to hear that song.

2. This one was a blessing in disguise. One guy got on stage, I don't know if he was supposed to be a comedy act or what, but I didn't laugh one time, and NOBODY clapped when he got off stage. All he did was show his ignorance. He began to talk about the issue with Matt Hale and how the judge's family died, and how he didn't care. He even said he wished that more of them (meaning non-blacks) would die. He ignorantly ranted about how no autopsies and investigations were done when Martin Luther King Jr. died (which is not true) and how those who died in this incident got what they deserved.

I was ticked OFF. So, I went home and wrote a poem :D

Rebuttal to a Fool's Words

"I wish more of them would die"
the first of fool's words
to cause me to turn my head and ask "why?"

The words, too soon spoken
and not well chosen
to bring harm to another's life
just because it's not a brother's life?

And the brother's life and death you do defend
your rationale I cannot comprehend
because Martin Luther King's will was not that to kill
but to step back and be real
And see each other's colors
let go of what history did to our brothers
let go of massa raping our grandmothers
let go of hostilities held toward one another for things gone by
Let go of that rope and fly, brotha, fly!
fly into that dream of Martin Luther King's
fly into that day when race would not be all things
because we all come from lines of kings and queens
Adam and Eve grandfather and mother of ALL human beings
don't revert to old ways of thinking
For we have come this far by faith
yes, the mountaintop is surely in our view,
but how, brother how, will we reach it
when more than a few think like you?
We must let go to fly
and to fly, yes we must try
and we'll try and we'll try
and we just might get it right
Then we
can live that dream of Martin Luther King's
free at last of color-bound hostilities
And brotha, it starts right here with you and me.

BOO YOW!

Have you seen him?

It's been ten months
Didn't wanna give him the time of day
Then he made his way into my world
And changed it-in a special way

Now, here I am changed
A new creature indeed
Enlightened to the ways of the world
But he is nowhere to be seen

Now I see all of his friends
They seem to know my face
We laugh, and make conversation
But it still doesnt ease my pain

I know I can't erase the memories
Though I do admit I've tried
I think things can work themselves out
But is my thought a lie?

Oh, I see his car everywhere I go
On the street, and even at the picture show
Have you seen him?
Tell me have you seen him?

Oh, I see his face when I close my eyes
In the day, and even in the night
Have you seen him?
Tell me have you seen him?

WHYYY OHH WHYYY
Did he make me make such a mistake??
Ohhh ohh ohh, I'm confused
And I don't know what to do
And I'm lost, baby I'm lost

Oh, tell me will I see his face again?
Cuz right now, I just wanna be his friend.
Have you seen him?
Tell me have you seen him?

Have you seen him? (you better tell me if you see him)
Tell me have you seen him? (and tell him I'm thinkin' bout him too)
Have you seen him? (. . I just wanna see him)
Tell me have you seen him?

I just lost a whole LONG post. You know I'm mad.

I'm not sure how you did this, but I'm kinda mad and glad that you did. I think about you often, I'm not afraid to admit, and my heart beats sorely when I do. Who ever knew? Who ever knew that you would come into my life and turn it upside down before I even realized what was going on? Who ever knew that I would fall asleep and wake up so many times with you on my mind. Just thinking of how you're doing, wondering if all is well, wondering if you might be thinking about me too. Its kinda funny when I think back on the earlier days, I didnt wanna give you the time of day. Now you take way more than your share of my thoughts, but that's alright with me. When will I see you again? Will we get to talk again? How are you anyway? Do you miss me? I miss you.

Who woulda thunk it?
My mother and I were having a conversation last night, about nothing in general, then she dropped the bomb on me.

Do you know where your uncle works?
Um, wasn't he working doing construction or something?
Not anymore lol.
What, is he a stripper now or something?
No, but you're close.
By this time I'm getting a little worried. Uncle man is my FAVORITE uncle, we go wayy back.
What does he do???
He works in a factory. A porn factory.
WHAT?
My uncle works in a porn factory? What kinda stuff is that?? I didn't even know they HAD porn factories. I guess my mother found out when they were talking one day and he was mentioning that they'd have to do inventory. She asked how often inventory is done, and he said whenever the bosses think someone took something or stole some toys. My mother was like "Toys?? Where do you work?" And that's when the truth was revealed. Man, my family is weird.
My mother also told me about Uncle Man's crazy girlfriend coming to my grandmother's (his mother) house at 1 or 2 a.m.
Miss Wynn, Miss Wynn! Kenneth said he's gonna kill himself!!
So? If he's gonna kill himself he's gonna kill himself. What am I gonna do?!
But miss Wynn. . .
Don't ever wake me up again for no mess like that!

This woman did not even care. Turns out my uncle just wanted the woman to leave, but she wouldn't so he said something about turning on the gas or something. . .
Just crazy.