In Need of a Miracle

So, I just got done calculating what my GPA could be for this semester. This is not good my friends. Throughout the semester, I completely forgot that my scholarship wants me to maintain a 2.5 GPA each semester. I was going about, trying to do my best but I just gave up here at the end. I decided to drop out of my stats class. Not drop the class, like before the deadline, or even withdraw, nah, just decided to fail out of it. HOW COME NOBODY STOPPED ME????? I didn't know what the heck I was doing. At least if I would've stuck it out I could've gotten a D and that would've helped my GPA a little bit. But no. My guitar class, had lots of trouble with that too. Almost dropped out of it too, but I recently emailed the teacher and pretty much begged him to let me reconsider my decision. So there's hope for me to get a D out of that too. So, calculating best-case scenario, I'll either get a 1.7 or a 1.94.

The difference between the 2 depends on my interpersonal communications class. The teacher and I have a good bond, I've even given her marriage and parent counseling (you know how I do). If I can get my B to an A, I'll be that much closer.

Even still, a 1.94 isn't a 2.5!!!!! My hope is that they don't go by the semester GPA, but by the cumulative. If they go by the former, I will lose my scholarship!!!!

I'm in need of a miracle. I'm just going to pray, do my best to finish these last papers and projects, and trust in the Lord.

A part of me has peace about this. Getting worked up will not change my situation, it will only add more stress. Besides, I know everything happens for a reason and there may be a reason why I'm going through this.

Another part is beating me to a bloody pulp for being so STUPID and unfocused and not passing all 18 of those hours with at least a B. I should be able to do this. How could I be so incompetent? Especially with a SCHOLARSHIP on the line! DOOFUS...

The last part is telling me it's not fair. It's not fair that I have to work and go to school. It's not fair to have so much on my plate. It's not fair that I have to be a first generation college student, going about this thing so blindly. It's still my fault, but it's not fair!!!! How come nobody told me the things that could've helped so much (besides "that's way too many classes")?? whyyy :(

I'm trying to hold to the peaceful part of me. Nevertheless, I am in need of a miracle.

Conversations With Myself

conversations with self
one-way dialouge channeled into creativity
but noone hears waht I'm sayin
because they're not me
so I just
converse with myself
repeating the thought, repeating the thought, repeating the thought, repeating the thought
making the most of a minimalist
then I write it down
its like a list
and maybe format it
CAPITALIZE it as I prophecy it
making the most of a minimalist
noone but me can tell the difference,
which is why I converse with myself
needing to let go and just be
comfortable with me
from the color of my skin and my nappy hair
to my innermost desires and feelings felt when I find someone who cares
and noone but me really hears what I'm sayin
but I talk anyway,
having conversations with myself
repeating the thought, repeating the thought, repeating the thought, repeating it
making tedious dots of a minimalist
it's only me who's hearing this.
-Lyric

it was so considerate
and it meant so much to me
when she took out a stick of gum
and gave me half a piece

And even though at times she says
the most random, blonde-headed things
she listens when I talk

Back In The Day, When I Was Young- I'm Not a Kid Anymore, But Some Days I Sit and Wish I Was a Kid Again. . .

Recently, HumanityCritic did this GREAT post about childhood toys. I could relate with some of the toys, especially the BigWheel, but seeing as I'm probably at least 10 years younger than he is, I have a list of my own childhood toy memories. The late 80's/early 90's had so many good toys (even though I never got some of these, they bombarded Saturday Morning cartoons and my friends had some of them). . .

Klick Klacks
Or at least that's what we called them in Chicago. Man, this was one of the best toys I can remember. There was one stick in the middle, and on each side there was basically a triangle attatched to a ball. The goal was to move your hand up and down, and make the balls hit each other, making a "klick klack" noise. If you weren't good at it though, both triangles would just swirl around the stick and there was no klicking or klacking goin on.

Skip It
I wanted a Skip It sooooo bad!!!! I still remember the song "Skip It, Skip It. . The very best thing of all/Is there's a counter on the ball/So SkipIt! SkipIt!" You stick your foot in the little circle part, and then there's a stick (or a rope, depending on what version you had) with a ball on the end. You would make the apparatus swirl around your ankle and when the stick part would come to your foot, you'd have to jump up (skip) with that other leg so it wouldn't hit you. Yeeah, my SkipIt was a hula hoop. If you know what I'm talkin about, then skip on witcha bad self.

My Buddy/ Kid Sister
This is DEFINATELY 80's. My Buddy was the boy, and Kid Sister was the girl. Now that I think about it, they didn't do anything special, they didn't even look too cute, but MAN I wanted one. Maybe because they were marketed as that cool toy you could just take anywhere and actually kinda 'hang out' with. All the commercials showed the little girls playing tea party with Kid Sister, and the little boys outside chillin with My Buddy. They were pretty big, so that made them even more 'real' I guess. Also, at the time I didn't have a sister, but I wanted one, and what could've been better than Kid Sister???

Even though all those toys were great, and bring back great childhood memories, nothing beats a good ol' double dutch rope (a.k.a. clothesline lol).
"G-I- Gipsy, where she been? She been around the world and back again. . ."
"D-I-S-H/D-I-S-H-/D- for double dutch/I-for irish/S for single (?)/H-for hops. . ."
"12 times 12 is a hundred-forty four/When the bed breaks down you can do it on the floor. . ."

Jump rope rhymes and hand games, thats a whole nother post!

Silentium!
-Tyutchev

I found this song yesterday, and apparently it's a negro spiritual. When I read it, it literally brought tears to my eyes, because it captured the feelins of my whole day, and really of so many times in my life. My favorite is the second stanza. I have declared Silentium! as my anthem.

Silentium!

Speak not, lie deep, do not reveal
Things that you wish or things that you feel;
Within your soul's protected mine
Let them ascend and then decline,
Like silent stars in heaven bleak;
Admire their sheen-but do not speak.

How can a heart be put in words?
By others-how can one be heard?
Will people know what you live by?
A thought expressed becomes a lie.
Don't muddy springs that are unique:
Drink from their depth-but do not speak.

Live only in yourself encased;
Your soul contains a world of chaste,
Mysterious thoughts, which outside noise
Robs of their magic and destroys;
The rays of morning make them weak-
Enjoy their song but do not speak.

Poema

Married Man

Look at that
Married Man
Man, with no ring on his hand
Decieving
my mind into thinking
that he could be mine again.
But, he's a Married Man
Man, with no ring on his lovely hand
no wife on his arm
still possesing that charm
that I appreciated once he was gone.
That Married Man
Man, with no ring on his hardworking hand
man etched into my emotions,
sketched into my skin
man that I made love to
And yes that man is him
Yes, he
is
that Married Man
A Married Man with no ring on his hand.

Well Lift Me Up!

I went to this powerful motivational workshop today that has so far lifted me out of my dark phase. David Lewis, a poly sci instructor at my school led it, and he is so awesome! He talked about goal setting and tips to success.
Here is a recap/sneak peek into the workshop

"It is never too late to become what you might have been" -George Elliot

• Sometimes we hang on to the "If I woulda"'s, but we have to hold on to our present, not regret the mistakes and missed opportunities of our past and work to form our futures. As I always say, "You can't change your past, but you can always affect your future."

4 types of people to surround yourself with:

1. People who believe in you before you believe in yourself.
2. People who support you.
3. People who have your best interests at heart.
4. People who are optimistically positive.

• Concerning #4, David said that, "Nobody cares when you're having a bad day." This is true. People want to be around others who make them feel good, and can uplift them when they are having a hard time with life. In turn, you want people to want to be around you because people are a road to success. You can't go anywhere if nobody helps you get there (can I get an amen?)

Notes:

Concerning failure: There's nothing wrong with falling down, the crime comes when you stay down.

People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. (sounds a little cliche, but its true)

The laws of success are no respectors of person. (it doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, you can succeed)

Get good at what you do. There is no such thing as luck without hard work! Opportunity knocks on everybody's door, sometimes we just don't open it cuz it's disguised as hard work.

The workshop was so timely. I was going crazy and everything was getting to me, but now, I feel SO much better and ready to take life head on (at least for the rest of the semester).

*sigh*-that one is for relief.

ok, it's all about this 8 page paper that was due last Monday. WHY CAN'T I GET PAST PAGE 3??? I have writer's block to the extreme, and I blame it on one factor in my life:

Fear of Mediocrity

This, if not anything else, is the cause for 95% of my procrastination and inability to "reach my full potential". I loathe mediocrity. It is the hidden locust that buzzes its ugly song outside my window, mocking me, taunting me because it knows I can't find it, crush it, and bring an end to its song. Whatever I do (academically at least) I want it to be not only my best, but the best. In this english class, I want my paper to be better than anyone else's in the class. I want my teacher to think "This girl's got TALENT!!", and I want to feel that it's true.

However, once again, I find myself at this computer for hours making no progress.

On another note, I went to Chicago this weekend. I almost left Friday without packing any bags or telling anybody, following the spirit of a true vagabond, however all trains and busses had left town, and a sista was kinda broke anyway. . .

But Saturday, I went. Going to Chicago always puts me in a reflective mood, which especially helped because I was taking some pics for my photography class. I think about how different the CHI is from any other city I've been to. It truly has its own unique culture. My goal was to capture the essence of the hood. Why did I choose that? Because that's where I came from, that's my roots! Besides, the "ghetto" and the hood are some of the most misunderstood concepts among Americans of all colors. Most people never get to see the hood, so this is my present to them. It's like a presentation of that which is at the heart of me. But alas, I know they won't be provoked with the same feelings I get from it. Does that once again bring me back to that nadir of mediocrity?

*sigh*

Thursday Haiku

Forgot my guitar

And supplies for photo class.

'Nother day wasted.

Recap of the week:

Monday-Felt like I'd already been through the week, and needed a weekend. Finally remembered to send more paperwork to Knox. Bought a cool shirt at work for only $2 and enjoyed spending time with 2ra.

Tuesday-Got so caught up in classes and work that I missed a much-needed appointment with my advisor concerning graduation. Will I walk??

Wednesday- Thought I would have an emotional breakdown and spent the whole day fighting and swallowing tears, only to allow them to release in a flood as I drifted to sleep. Decided it was me against the world, so I'd better man-up.

Thursday- Woke up and laid in the bed for about an hour without moving. Decided not to take the much agonized over Stats exam and just fail the class. Gee, everyone thinks I have an attitude. Emotionally I feel cold as ice.

Dayum. Three weeks until the end of the semester, so much wasted time in that stats class. I got shafted when it comes to my teacher, some new guy who gets so excited about math that he forgets he's teaching a class of people who know nothing about stats. Over half the class has dropped, only 10 -15 people out of maybe 30 remain.

I'm watching how the stress of the end of the semester is taking a toll on myself and others. This is not what education is about. The stress is not from brain-overload of that learned; it is from chasing the grade, making sure all papers, projects, and other assignments are in, and are a reflection of everything supposedly learned throughout the semester. Final exams are a joke in themselves. All for the game of grades, but education, true education is not about grades. True education is about enligtenment and knowledge! Education is about empowerment! How can enlightenment be meausured solely by A's, B's, C's, D's and F's?? How can empowerment be placed on a GPA scale?? I suppose it would be too utopian to allow students to have a free mind, to explore ideas and academic solutions without the fear of what impact it would have on their 'grade'. Grades are a game and a joke. Students can 'earn' a grade in so many more ways that are contrary to the goal of education (higher education in specific) than they can by pursuing that which will open their minds. Does anybody see a problem with that??

GAWD.

Random Quote: "That which is reciprocated is often ill-recieved, much like vomit." -Lyric

Wednesday Haiku

Week almost over

"Hang in there" is what they say

Schoolwork is my noose

This next one goes out to all those students climbing that (rope) ladder of success.

*snap, snap, snap, snap*

Hang in There

You say,

"Hang in there"

Hang in where?

Hang in this,

the noose of defying that

ignorance is bliss?

I suffocate for air

as I "Hang in there"

dangling from that which I thought would enlighten me

only to suffer from the stress it brings.

"Hang in there"

Hang in where?

Hang in this

one thin branch on the side of that cliff?

first generation to take that leap

hanging here now,

they can't help me

"Girl, just hang in there"

Hang in where?

Hang by this

one fine thread of sanity

Just one strand, slowly unraveling

letting everything get the best of me

taking too much of a load, now my string is progressively breaking. . . .

If I let go I know I'm gonna fall hard

I hope the savior will catch me in his everlasting arms

And as I drift into what I know is the end

I pray he will revive me again.

But

looking at this rope, i guess i just forgot

it was meant for climbing, for hanging-not.

-Lyric

Tuesday Haiku

I don't understand

Girls afraid to talk to guys

I say bring it on.

(Sometimes I have to

Use my fingers to count the

Haiku syllables.)

Monday Haiku

There is so much work

If I don't make some progress

Failure awaits me

-Lyric

Once again, I have procrastinated myself into a ditch. Now I must struggle to dig my way out of it, and time is running short. What is it about school and me that produces such an adversion to work? Is this every college student's cry?

Speaking of college students, I have decided that there are only four major components to a college student's wardrobe.
Tops:
1. T-shirts
2. Sweatshirts (mainly hoodies)
Bottoms:
1. Jeans
2. Sweatpants (this category includes all pants that are made of cotton, or a cotton/polyester blend and stretch, usually with some form of elastic waistband. This is inclusive of Sweatpants, Yoga pants, and pajama pants.)
That, Ladies and Gentlemen is about it. Of course there are some minor deviations from this i.e. tank tops, mini-skirts, and shorts.

Back to work, maybe making a list of mi tarea will help me see it more concretely than just talking about it.
2 Papers for English
2 Papers for Communications
1 Project (almost done) for Communications
1 Project for Statistics
1 Test for statistics
2 Papers for Music Appreciation
1 Assignment for Photography
1 Project for Photography

The only way I can conceivably diminish this pile of work is to make goals, and take it one bite at a time.

Let's get crunchin'!

By the way, Lyric is my decided coffe-shop name (Big Ups to HumanityCritic).

Please come find me
look for me
search for me
and tell me where I am

How far have I gone now?
Am I close to the end?
Am I losing the game or
Do you think I might win?
Can you please come find me
And tell me where I am
Then point me to that red X
Marking the spot where
I begin my success
Open that treasure chest
To find that I can really be my best
And transgress
The expectations of those who keep me lost

Look for me
Search for me
I was last found under the Knowledge Tree
Learning about the world, the ills of society
Questioning God, questioning me
Struggling to gain sight of my destiny
Looking so hard, but failing to see
I know over there is where I came from
And I haven't forgotten
That I've only come this far thanks to those breaking their backs to pick cotton
Should I
Backtrack my steps and try this journey again?
Hell no! To go back to the beginning is to reach my end
I've come too far to go through all of this again
It's taken blood, sweat, time and tears
Facing adverstity and facing fears
Listening to my peers with fingers in both ears
Learning from experiences, mistakes and sins
Still running, looking behind me while so much of life dissapears
I've come too far to go through all of this again.

You can stop looking for me
Don't waste the time
Because this life is not yours, this life is mine
Then I can proudly stand up and say
That I found my way
To that red X
Marking the spot where I began my success
I opened that treasure chest
And found that I really could be my best
And as for life, I'm ready for the rest.

I'm Feeling So

smothered
suffocated
immobile
powerless
bound

I've had some time to think.

Okay.
It has been about 4 hours since I found out that Max got married.
At first, I was *_* mad stunned. Literally as if I'd been hit with a stun gun, frozen with the incapability to produce thoughts of feeling.
Now I can think a little more and I need to express these feelings.

I feel a little sad, not only because he is with somebody else, but he is with somebody else PERMANENTLY. Marriage is such a big step! And WHY didn't he tell me he was engaged BEFORE we 'engaged' ourselves in our own thing? Isn't that weird? I mean, technically he had someone else, although they kinda weren't together. So did he cheat on her or not? Am I just sloppy seconds? Anyway, back to the sadness, him being married means that I can never (rightfully) hold him in my arms again, be held in his arms again, kiss his full, delicious lips again. . . NEVER. I am determined not to help this man be an adulterer, cuz please believe it can happen. I would hate for my man to cheat on me, whether I knew it or not, whether I was in the same country or not. I don't want to do that to another woman.

I feel unconcluded, because there were and are SOOO many things I never told him about how I felt about him. Now, none of those feelings matter, because he is a married man.

I feel like telling myself (for the second time this week) "It's not fair!!!!" But you know what, it's not about me. It's not right for me to be selfish, but I am a part of this situation and therefore do have resulting emotions.

I feel a little jealous. Not sure of whom though.

Mostly, I still feel shocked. To me, marriage is such a big deal. I'm a little bit in denial and fully aware of it. is that strange?

This is all so new.

He's the Numba #1 Stunna. . . . .wha. . .wha. .wha. .what. .WHAT????????

Making small talk.
How is my mother doing? Fine, working a lot.
My sister, oh, she's having some trouble in school.
How is work? Oh, you get 2 days off a week now? That's good.
*awkward silence*

How is your um. . .fiancee. . .girl. . .person?
Oh. *sheepish grin* *pause* My Wife.
Your. . .Wife? *not comprehending the english language*
Yes, I got married.
WOW!!! YOU GOT MARRIED?? Well congratulations!. . .(followed by a host of questions, are you going to bring her here, etc)

"We wear the mask that grins and lies"
It was a Halloween Mardi Gras Masquerade up in that mug.

He's a MARRIED man now. Imagine that.

I am not upset, I knew he would not, could not, should not always be mine.

I am however stunned to the point of no return.

This is all so new and weird.

I'm not sure if I believe it. I'm not sure if I want to believe it. This is all so new and weird.

He's married.

I wish I wasn't fat

Right now, If I wasn't fat (and If the sky wasn't turning dark with clouds forewarning the thunderstorm, and if I didn't have a class to go to, and if I had some better gym shoes on) I would go running. I feel like running right now, running so fast, running for my life.

Not on a track though. Running on a track is running in circles and I'm not quite in a running in circles mood.

I would like to run either on a trail, like a beaten path type of trail, or just in some natural place. I wanna run so fast that I feel the still air turning into wind on my face, and it cools my whole being. I wanna run so hard that every muscle in my body is exerted to its fullest capacity, not even minding if I sweat (but I won't sweat cuz I'll be cooled by the air). I wanna run with such a rush of adrenaline that although my body is working to the maximum, arms and legs pumping like crazy, I'm not feeling the least bit winded. I wanna feel like my feet are barely touching the ground. I just wanna run.

But I'm a lil too fat for all that, so I'ma just sit here at this computer screen, mabye eat a pack of donuts lol.

I also feel like writing. I wanna write words so powerful that they draw the reader in with each and every single sentence, every single word, every single letter. I wanna write the words that move the masses, that motivate the citizens of the world to action to better their lives and the condition of life as a whole. I wanna write the words that prick and provoke those feelings of the heart, just as a pin pricking a finger. I wish I could write where my audience would feel and identify with every anguish, struggle, heartache, joy, pride and satisfaction. I want to write with such humor that brings alligator tears of deep laughter to one's eyes, causing that laughter that comes from the pit of the stomach and is felt throughout the whole body; foot-stomping, stomach cramping, hand-clapping, eye-watering, barely able to breathe laugh. The power of words and communication is amazing.

I want to be beautiful. Not pretty, not foine , definately not cute. I want to posess that inherent beauty that captivates, even merely from my posture and the way I carry myself. That beauty that lets everyone around me know that I am a queen, noble and virtuous, yet maintaining a deep sense of humility and compassion. Non-intimidating beauty that draws people in like a magnet, causing me to be that person that people just want to know. "What is it about her??" type beauty. The beauty that mesmerizes when I walk into a room, beauty that makes my conversation both intellectual and well-thought, yet down to earth. Beauty like the sunset that ends the perfect day, only to lead to that sunrise of the next.

I think I have a long way to go, I mean, even the most precious of the elements (i.e. diamonds, silver, and gold) must be refined. But even before their refining, their most stunning qualities are already present.

A Stumble in My Walk

You
have become like the rock in my shoe
I never invited your presence
You just invaded my space
and created a stumble and a limp
in a walk that should've been full of grace.

But you,
unlike the rock in my shoe
are unmovable.
I cannot simply put a halt to my struggled stride and
remove that shoe
and shake out that rock-you
and continue my life's journey happily
because you
are a part of me.

Life Has A Strange Way

A strange way of what? Just a strange way. It's so complex (do we make it that way or is it just that way?)

I'm tired. I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired of school, I'm tired of my jobs, I'm tired of being broke, I'm tired of being bored (bored meaning nothing exciting going on, not nothing going on), I'm tired of this rock in my shoe.

In other news, my father is supposedly coming to town this weekend. I will believe that when I see it, but I am much more anticipating my letter from Knox which should be here this week. I thought about calling them, but I'm scared to. I'll just wait. Anyway, back to my father. I kinda feel sorry for him. I was thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure that he doesn't know how to be a father. His father was never around when he was growing up, so maybe he just doesn't know what to do. I think people often think that parenting should come naturally, but if you look at half the parents out here, we can see that theory disprove itself. So, I think it's pretty sad that he doesn't know how to be a father. That is helping me to have a little mercy on him. Thinking about him coming to town, I have this image in my head of me taking him out to dinner (yes, refusing to let him pay) and telling him so much that's on my mind. He wouldn't be able to go anywhere, and I wouldn't let him change the subject like he does on the phone. He would be at my mercy MUAHAAAHAHAHAA!!!!

I would tell him all the things he doesen't wanna hear, starting with how upset I am with him because of him not being able to be a productive member of society, if you know what I mean. (note-making liscence plates does not count as being productive). Then I will move on to how his absense has affected me, both negatively and positively. That will be a great lead-in to the Max issue, which will be the main kicker.

Now this, I have a script for.

Oh My Goodness Lawd

You have GOT to read Humanity Critic's latest entry. Classique.