There's something about academic adivisors that I just don't like. Everytime I go and see one of them, I end up feeling all sad and depressed afterwards, and I don't know why. Just today I went to see mine, and I talked to her about my graduating next semester. She looked at my transcript and said "You think you're gonna graduate next semester?". Now what the heck is that? How is that supposed to make me feel? My driving force of this semester is to get to next semester so I can graduate, and then she says that. So I'm starting to think, oh no, don't tell me I mis-calculated, that I have more than one semster to go. . . So I said "Yeah, I only need 18 more hours." Once she looked at my transcript she said "Oh, okay." That made me upset.

Then, I was telling her about what school I wanted to transfer to (UIUC folks) and she went to the website, but couldn't find what she was looking for. . . the whole thing was making me very upset, I don't know if its just me or what. Maybe because I'm tired. . .

I guess I'm kinda in an odd mood anyway, I went to this great workshop today and the guy was talking about goal setting and motivation and what not, so I was all on a high, feeling great. But now I feel so. . .I don't really know the word for it. I feel like maybe I shouldn't have spanish as my major, even though I love the language. Sometimes I get so intimidated, especially when I see or talk to people who speak it better than me. Or like when I went on the spanish interpreting/tutoring part of the website for U of I, all of the people were hispanic (well, at least their names were). And that makes me think, how can I possibly compete in a market with so many native spanish speakers? There is no way my spanish could ever compare. Yes, I would love to be an interpreter or something like that, traveling around the world, using the beautiful spanish language, but what are the odds that someone will hire me, little Elizabeth from the South Side of Chicago, when they can hire Isabel, originally from Mexico? Is my insecurity understandable? Is it not justified?

And what is to come of all my hard work with education? I'm doing my best to get done in 4 years, no more, maintain good grades and keep up with all my other responsibilities but is it gonna be worth the struggle? I want more out of life than just a degree and decent job. . .

This is all my advisor's fault.

Kareisha85: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH GURL!!
Chiliz345: lol
Kareisha85: PLAYA PLAYA
Chiliz345: yezz yezz
Chiliz345: nah, im not a playa
Kareisha85: you just crush a lot
Chiliz345: LOL

Yes, KaReisha and Big Pun said it best. This captures the true essence of the mode I'm in now. So, to clear the record, I'm not a playa, I just crush ALOT. There ya go.

So I met this guy the other day, His name is Daniel, y el es mexicano. He doesn't speak english, so good thing I speak spanish right? Es MUY guapo. Ojos morenos, sonrisa como el sol....*sigh* And you know what he said to me? He said "me gustas". Am I smitten by this potential Latin lover? only time will tell.

But hey, I'm not a playa. I just crush alot.

Here I am, back in the swing of things. Today was the first day of classes for the fall semester. It was great seeing everybody again, some people I hadn't seen since I graduated. Like, for instace, I saw Dominique, that was cool. We talked for a bit, I showed him where his classes were. I saw a couple of Max's friends, we recognized each other and spoke for a bit too. I saw Marland (remember Debee?), who I haven't seen in forever, and just a whole bunch of people.

So, it seems like nobody thinks I can get through this semester. When everybody asks about classes and all that, and work, they look at me like I'm crazy. I'm taking 16 hours, which is a bit much, but it can be done. I'm also working 25 hours a week. That shouldn't be too bad. It won't be too easy, but not too bad ;) I saw Kabah today, and he bet me $50 that I wouldn't end the semester keeping all my classes at at C or above. He thinks I'll either drop one or (God forbid) fail one. So, come December, I expect my $50. yeeeaaahhh

My summer classes went okay, I got an A in spanish, and a C in English. Actually a C+ so I'm wondering how close I was to a B. They coulda bumped me up man!! I worked so hard in that class. . .

My spanish class starts in an hour, at 5:00, so I'm gonna do my homework from my business class and do a little work for Project Rise. This is going to be quite a semester.

Holitas Amigos
Today I turned in my English Portfolio, what a relief. Now I just hope I pass the class. . . on the last paper I got an A, which is definately rare, but my grade in the class was still an F. No justice in English 101 people, no justice. I'm not worried though.

I only have spanish class left, just the final on tuesday. The class is so cool, we're all gonna go out to Fiesta Ranchera next Saturday, it should be fun times but I think I'm the only one who isn't legal drinking age. Como se dice virgin margarita? lol

Now I'm gonna go home, change clothes, and go to work. I'm tired, I didnt really get to sleep last night :( I need to call TJ Maxx too, to see when I work next. *sigh* hay mucho que hacer. I'm also very hungry.

This weekend my mother is leaving. Well, really just Saturday. Why is it that everytime I have the opportunity to have the house to myself, I'm busy and gone the whole time? Well, hopefully I'll stay out of trouble this weekend, there's enough of it for me to get into heh heh heh.

I've been wanting to write some poetry lately, and speaking of which I saw Kabah the other day. He was looking good, he had his hair done in some twisty things, I think he's gonna grow them into locs. That'll look good on him. I'm still thinking about doing my locs, thinking thinking thinking.

I miss all of my friends. I havent hung out with Tura all summer. I thought this summer was gonna be so much fun, hanging out all the time, catching up on college times, etc. Hardly any of that. But, I'm just working hard, doing what I gotta do to get where I gotta go. Peace.

Boyfriend Update
 
woooooooooo wooooooooo wooooooooooo
Sound The Alarm!! Another one is on the way!!!!
Ok, belive it or not (i'm still in the not category) another guy is interested. Yes, that would make six.  Right now I have as many 'boyfriends' as I have jobs, thats crazy. The new one, he's a friend of a friend and I haven't even met him yet. I was talking to friendboyJ and he was telling me his "guy" wanted to "holla at me". Yeah. I find it kinda hard to believe just because. . . well, I don't really know why. So I told him he could give the guy (his name is Ibae, pronounced E-bay. and, I think he might be african yeeaahh) my number and we'll see from there.
*sigh* I would say they're coming to me like flies to poop, but I don't wanna compare myself to poop,  so I'll say like bees to a flower. Yeah thats a little better.
 
Other than that, I started my 5th job, TJ Maxx. Its cool, I like it so far but now I just have to balance my schedules out with TJ, Claires, Project Rise, and the Bookstore. I'll worry about Mary Kay later. Everybody says I'm gonna burn myself out, which may be true. See, I've just been giving my availiblity for whenever I'm not working at my other jobs which has me working some 11 hour days and such. Craziness.
 
My portfolio for English is due tomorrow, so the rest of my day (besides church tonight) will be devoted to revisions and the like. I think I'll keep the No Doz handy *wink*.
 
The praise dancers have just learned a new dance, its sooo nice. We did it for the youth explosion and it was really great, such a blessing. Other than that, teaching sunday school has been pretty good. I'm gonna be teaching the pre-teen class next week so I need to study the lesson. When do I have the time??????
 
Pray for me.

Yay!
I left la clase de espanol early today because I have an interview. Last night the lady called me from Motherhood Maternity, the store I put in an application at forever ago, and she wanted me to come in at 1:30 for an interview. Problem is, I don't get out of class until about 1, and I take the bus, there's no way I'd get there in time, and she needed to do my interview pronto, seems like she really wants to hire me. When I told Sr. Profesor that I'd need to leave class early, he gave me this look like "You already know this stuff, who cares?" then we both laughed. It's good to be in good standing with the teacher, yes, yes. So I'm praying that if it's God's will for me to get this job, that I'll get it. I'm wondering if for Fall semester I can work at MM, Peer Mentor (did i tell you about that?) and Claire's too. If I get about 10 hrs at each, that might work out, but I know that my education is much more of a priority than money right now (as much as it hurts to say that), so I gotta keep my goals in order.

Boyfriend Update:
So tonight me and AJ are going out, we're going to Ruby Tuesday's and then to watch a movie. It should be fun times, but I'm not really thinking of it as a date because he's my friend, even though he's trying to be more.

I haven't talked to Keith in a while, and I really want to. I think we need to discuss somethings. I curse the distance between us! *shakes fist*

Max and I are planning on going to the movies next weekend, that should be fun.

I talked to Brian yesterday. He's the only one besides Sonia who refers to me as "Sexy". Hm. I wanna hang out with him, he is such cool people.

I saw Jeffrey today. He was wearing this red shirt, he looks gooood in red. I miss our nightly phone chats and bonding :( That's my boy, my dawg, mi amigo, my homie. Yeah.

I don't know what I keep getting myself into. I managed to be asked out on a date. Yes, yet another guy who's into me. Come on, lets stop the madness (well, i guess its kinda fun). I was talking to dude, inviting him to church and all (u know how I do). We got on the subject of how he used to like me back in high school, which was so weird, cuz I used to like him too. Anyway, he ended up asking me on a date (ya know, dinner and a movie, how nice) even after I told him about my other guys. He didn't seem to mind. Whatever.

School is almost over, I'm so happy. But now is crunch time, I gotta get a whole bunch of stuff revised for my English portfolio, and get some studying done for Spanish. que divertido!

Its July already.

On one hand, im glad to be in school this summer. It gives me something to do during the day. It gives my mind some stimulation that I definately wouldn't be getting during the summer. And, if I do good in both of my classes, it will definately raise my GPA, which I think is my main goal. But, its also a struggle taking summer classes. Especially english. I mean, having to write an 8 page paper over a weekend is just a little stressful. Especially if you are known to procrastinate (like yours truly). So I'm doing my best. I'm gettin an A in Spanish, and well, lets say not an A in English. Its okay though, i'm not going to let it be the end of my world. Today I got a spanish test back. I got a B. I was really upset, but I really just have to let these things go, because they will drag me down otherwise.
Im running on 'E' today, just totally empty. All i've eaten so far is a honey bun and drank a Pepsi Vanilla. It was good though. I tried to put sugar and caffeine in my system to make up for the lack of sleep i've been getting all week. Last night I only got 3 hours, and thats only because I overslept for 1 hour. I need to go home and sleep, but I have this paper to write this weekend. I need to study my spanish, cuz I can't keep getting B's on tests, that is so not acceptable. I'm thinking about Jeffrey cuz apparently he's mad at me, and we need to have a talk. I haven't talked to him in a while... Also I miss Max, which is just crazy because I didn't even think that I liked him until I let him go. Funny how that works. I've been debating whether or not I should call him, just to see what's up. I dunno.

I just don't know.

Keith asked me about our relationship. What is it? Where is it going? Too much to think about, I really don't know. Julius said that a "real woman" knows what she wants, etc. A lot of people think that way, but i thought about it, and I concluded that a "real woman" has to make up her mind just like any other, and that she may even take longer in doing so because she wants to make the right decision. That makes more sense to me.

This always happens, I find myself juggling so many things at once. School and grades, friends (all home from college, i've only hung out with a few), "boy-friends" (and all that drama), which also encompasses this thing called Love, Church/God, plus my obligation to the praise dancers, work (don't even get me started on that), family, wanting to move out, thinking about my future (what the heck am I gonna do after HCC???), thinking about my present, just everything swimming in my head, swimming around me. It's only through God that I have peace. Im trying to find some balance, but is balance possible? Is life meant to be balanced?

I often find myself hungry. My mother says I don't eat enough, and I think this may be true. But sometimes I eat enough, and sometimes more than enough. But now, I'm hungry.

I didn't mean to complain so much, just kinda let my mind wander. Reguardless of all that stuff, I know that I am still SO blessed, blessed and highly favored. That's a wonderful feeling. Thank You Lord.

Me echo de menos a algo en mi vida. Ahora estoy un poco triste, y no se porque. Depresion? quisas. Tengo salud, tengo amigos, tengo mi familia. Pero, no tengo amor. No se lo que es amor. El dice "te amo" pero yo creo que no es la verdad. Yo se que no es la verdad. En la vida, en realidad, que es la verdad?.... Hoy tengo que llamar a el, y decirle algo importante. Necesito decirle que no podemos vernos mas. El no es bueno para mi vida espiritual. No quiero decirle nada, pero yo tengo que hacerlo. fisicalmente, el me siente bueno. Me gusta cuando el me abraza. El me besa, pero yo no lo beso. por que? es porque no lo amo. Es triste no?

Y los otros....que debo hacer? estoy pensando que el uno no me quiere. solamente como una amiga, pero yo quiero mas. que quiero? yo no se. y el otro, el me ama tambien, pero no se porque.

So, I think it's time for a new skin. I guess something happened with the bandwith (whatever that is) of the image I had on this skin, so its gone. So, my skin isn't the same without it. Its lost its flava.

I went out with Max again last night. Everyone was saying "Liz, don't go, Liz, don't go." Everything was fine. But really, I do need to stop being with him so much. Lets not get into that.

So I borrowed one of Max's CD's, its by Papa Wembi (I think that's the name) and its so good! I'm loving African music.

I just thought of something. My love life is like neopolitan ice cream. LOL this is so funny. There's the chocolate. I don't really like chocolate, but I eat it because its there. As a matter of fact, chocolate ice cream doesn't appeal to me at all, I don't even know who's idea it was to put chocolate in with vanilla and strawberry, but that's another subject. Now strawberry, I really like strawberry ice cream. Its so good! The flavor, so delicious, the color, everything. mmmmm. Then, we have vanilla. Vanilla is so so sweet. Really, I guess there's a little bit of that vanilla sweetness in any flavor. Vanilla is classic. So nice and yummy.

Did that make sense?

"What is it with you and love? It seems like you two are always on parallels..."

Spoken by a friend, and spoken so truly. But, it never used to be that way. Growing up, and in high school I never was in relationships. Now that I'm in college, I have more than I care to deal with at one time. What's happening? Did I ask for this? What was it that provoked this flow of guys into my life? I'm still the same person I've always been! I still do all the same things! My life still basically consists of school, church, and work. Really, I just don't get it. It really baffles me.

I really miss Julius. I wonder how he's been doing. Hm, I guess I could send him an email...duh.

This little piece of poem is inspired by Keith

Sonando Contigo
mi amor,
with the strongest wishes and most earnest hopes i long for u
but to say "te traigo con mis suenos" is not true

Deseo abrazarle y cantarle un cancion so sweet
but todos mis desos wont bring u closer to me

These days have been pretty taxing on the mind lately. So much to think on, decisions to make. What should I do? I ask myself everyday. I always know that situations will play themselves out in time, but I'm not ready to wait for time. I need something now.

I got my grades yesterday. Not too bad, but not too great. I got one A, three B's, one C. All of those B's could've been A's if I had put forth just a little more effort. But hey, it was better than last semester. My GPA isn't where I want it to be, but that's a work in progress.

This break I didn't get to spend any time with friendboyJ. Well, that is, except for him coming to church. That's sad, I really kinda miss him.

I have to go to work today at Claire's. I also need to go to the school to drop off some papers and to make an appointment for my interview. They want me to be a peer mentor, how cool is that? They're calling me for an interview and I haven't even put in my application yet, I'm thinking the job is already mine. God is good. So if I keep Claire's (for whatever crazy reason) then I will work there, and the bookstore (which is only sometimes), and Peer Mentoring, and Mary Kay, and I'm also trying to get a job at the MARC center. Sounds like a lot huh? Naaaah

Well, that's all for now, just trying to waste some time hoping Julius comes online. *please get online*
PEACE

It has been a long time...
Yes, its been a while since I've blogged, and sooo much has happened. Its just funny that once I sit down, all of these wonderful "current events" escape my mind. So, everyone is home from college, which kinda means that this blog won't get much of an audience for this summer since everyone doesn't have a computer at home. Which is fine, I'll get to talk to you and spend time with you all anyway. My break from school is almost over though, and that's good in a way. I have been extremely bored this week and a half. Extremely. So school will give me something to look forward to, something to break up the monotony of the day. I think it wouldn't have been so bad if Sonia and Tura hadn't been gone :( but, I'm a survivor. And I want to give much thanks to everyone who has tried to help and fill the void these weeks. *applause*

What is it about Africa?
I must say, The Motherland has been good to me over the past few months.
It all started with Julius. He's from Cameroon. Sonia introduced me to him (yea, that's her man) and we talk online. Now that Sonia is gone, its our duty to keep each other company. Me and Julius think alike, and it seems we have a lot in common. As Sonia would say "No wonder I love Julius so much, he is a male version of you!"
Then after Julius came Jeffrey, who is from Nigeria. I would see him in the hallways at school all the time, and (much to his surprise) I knew he was African just by looking at him. We started talking, and now we're good friends. We talk almost everyday, and its always good to get his view on things.
The newest African is Maximes. He's from Zaire (which is now the democratic republic of Congo or something)My mother knew him from work, and they would exchange some music, she loves African music. One day I came home and he was sittin at the table with my mom, chillin, listening to some musica. He left quickly after I came and my mother wasn't sure why, and I'm still not quite sure why. Anyway, she was telling me that she thinks he likes me. Yesterday he came over again. He asked me to the movies, so we're going the weekend after next. Homeboy has a really nice car too, bumpin sound system. He asked me to go over to family video with him too, and he insisted on renting me some videos. INSISTED! That was nice of him, and something I'm not used to. People don't usually insist on spending money on me. He rented me all 3 of The Matrix movies, and said it was his pleasure. nice guy.

So that's Africa, producing some wonderful people and making my life interesting.

These guys need to quit nowadays. I just saw this video on TV, this guy is at the club kissing up on this girl, who apparently is not his girl. A friend of his girlfriend calls her up and is like "hey, your man is at the club with so and so", and then emailed her some pics she took with her cell phone. (don't you love modern technology?) Of course, friendgirl was mad. Now, this man gonna come and say "I'm a man, I make mistakes." Talkin about "Don't leave me, I'll never find anybody like you, bla bla bla"

1-You're a man, yes. You will make mistakes, yes. But you go to the club without your girl for what reason? That's getting you off on the wrong foot in the first place because you know there will be some fine women there. Then, knowing your woman is at home, what gives you the nerve to be kissin up another woman? Someone you don't even know.

2-"I'll never find anybody like you" If you knew that in the first place your lips shouldn't be on anyone else because you know you already have a good thing. You shouldn't even be at the club without her, because that is your lady, that is your special one, your girl. Why you tryin to do dirt? And you want to not be left? No, what you need is to be kicked to the curb.

*off my soapbox*

As long as there are crackheads, comedians will make fun of them.

SHOUT OUTS TO MY FELLAS
Julius-Its you and me against this loneliness Ju. We gotta fight it together, hold each other up. I missed you today! where were you?
O to tha B-Friendboy, I'm so glad you came to church. So tell me, what's good with this weekend? You gonna have time for a sista?
Vinnie-Love you like a cousin, boy. It was good seeing you, you know that's where you need to be more often. Come back to where you belong. You quit your job, so I don't wanna hear the excuse that you're working.
Tony-I hear you're doing okay but I'd sure like to know for myself. Llamame ok?
Zi-Be patient and let the situation work itself out, because it will. But, be prepared to let go if you have to, sometimes love means letting go.

Love you!

Finals Week
I have finals this week Tuesday through Thursday, and then that's it. I'm feeling the relief coming on already.. ahhhhhhhh.

So the weekend was aight. I worked Friday and Saturday at The Icing, which was definately a change of pace. Claire's is soooo busy, too busy. Kids running all over the place, long line for piercing, 2 lines at the register. Icing--nah. It was so dead! I spent the whole time both days pretty much walking around the store, trying to look busy and watching the videos they had up on the monitors. So boring.

Oh yea,I forgot to tell you about my grandmother. Check this out. I don't know any of the family on my father's side, the only one I had actually heard of was my grandmother, Bonnie. At Chrismas when I was sending out the cards, I came across her address, so something told me to send her a card. No, I've never met the lady,never talked to her, but I figure it might be nice to get to know her right? She wrote me a letter back about a month later, I never responded. Then, about a week ago, she called me! But, I wasn't home. I tried calling her, she wasn't home. Finally, a couple of days ago I got to talk to her, it was so cool! We chatted for a bit, and it was strange to me how she acted like we had always known each other, like we had just talked yesterday. She was telling me about my cousin Vanessa, who apparently looks just like me!(based on my senior picture) That's so amazing to me, because all of my life, I've never looked like anyone in my family. I can't wait to talk to Vanessa, I have her number and am just waiting to call. It's like "wow" I've found a new part of me, a new family. So exciting!!

YES!! THANK YOU GOD!!

I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW, I COULD KISS YOU! yes YOU! *muah*

I went to math class today, I was late so I didn't get my test back until after class. What??? I got a B? noooo. I was looking at the test, turns out I was doing the problems the right way, but with the wrong information, so she gave me some of the points back and I got an A on the test Yeeea Boyeee!

THEN, I went to the dreaded biology class. Now, the final in Bio is optional. It can replace your lowest test score, but if your grade is at a solid level, there is no use in taking it. The instructor was calling us up one by one, to give us our last test and show us our grade so we would know whether or not we had to take the final. I was bracing myself. First she gave me back my test. I looked at her and said "It wasn't pretty was it?" she said "Not one of the best..." I got a 67% on the test. Almost a C. She went to my grade and said
"But your grade is a 71% C, so you don't have to take the final."
"*GASP* WHAT? YES!! oh my God, I wanted a C so bad. Wooh, thank you Lord!"

Yes, ok she looked at me like I was crazy but did I care?? NO! Was I upset that I barely got a C? NO! Today was one of the few times in my life where I had tears of joy. I'm telling you, if I hadn't got a C in that class, there was no way I could've done well enough on the final to raise my grade to a C, so I would've failed the class, which would've brought my GPA down (cuz I don't think I would've taken it over), which could put my scholarship in jeapordy (slippery slope ya'll). So I give God all the praise and the honor cuz he is SO SO SO SO SO GOOD to me!!

I'm trying to analyze and figure out what just happned to me. I was just in an OK mood, content, not really happy, not really sad. Took my math test, felt pretty good afer that because I knew what was going on and I think I got an A on it. Which should offset the F on the last test :) Then, I saw my friend who's in my anatomy and physiology class, and went to kinda study with her before the test. I had been stressing about this test, but then thought, eh, it'll be ok. No, I was wrong. I have finally made the observation that all semester, I have had no idea of what is really going on in that class. Each and every test I've found myself kind of guessing what is right and what isn't. Yea, its understandable and fairly normal to have to guess some answers, but not guessing the majority of the tests. All semester long. I had a C at midterm, and I know there is no way I have a C now, especially considering I havent gotten over a C in any exam since midterms. I thought since I'm pretty good in Lab that maybe my Lab grade would help my overall grade. Got the Lab final back, failed that. So yea, all that brought my mood down.

Then, on top of that I went to talk to friendboy and he was telling me how he can't use the phone anyomore because he ran his mother's phone bill up to like $500. Yeah, that's never good so she went OFF and told him not to touch the phone. No, I don't blame her, but it sucks for me, and him too I guess. That didn't really make me too upset, but I think it might have been the catalyst of sorts for the mood I'm in now. The drop that made the glass overflow.

Hopefully it won't last. . .Summer is almost here and that should provide some relief. DANG IT! Come to think of it, friendboy isn't even gonna be able to use the phone to call me over break. Then I have stupid summer classes so I only get 2 weeks of a break anyway. A lonely break, cuz my best friend is gonna be gone. This summer is going to suck because everybody's going on some kind of vacation, what am I doing? Getting an education. Perhaps I just need to be alone.

I've been wanting to blog lately, but I haven't and I think the major reason why is because my thoughts have been consumed. My mind and heart have been being overtaken by thoughts of the boy, so I guess it doesn't make much for interesting reading, although the thoughts, to me, are very interesting indeed.

So I try to think of other things to talk about. My life is pretty much the same old, same old. School is starting to kick my butt. Seems like I had it in a headlock at the beginning of the semester, but after midterms I started getting weaker and now it's wrestling me to the ground. I'm not putting up nearly enough of a fight.

I lost my class ring and I really want it back. I like rings. I like my class ring. I'm talking about nothing.

I spent some time with Tura the other day, helping her with her portfolio. It was good times. I hardly ever get to see the girl.

Therese-I miss you girl! I dunno when ur finals are over, or when ur coming back, but I hope to be seeing you in a few weeks.