I Don't Feel Like It

I don't feel like doing or being anything right now. I don't feel like doing homework or even being a student. I don't feel like doing my dishes that await me. I don't feel like blogging really... I don't feel like crying, or holding back tears. I don't feel like being strong. I don't feel like being an example or a role model. I don't feel like being nice. I don't feel like sleeping and I don't feel like being awake. I don't feel like talking on the phone. I don't feel like being around people. I don't feel like being alone. I really don't even feel like living right now. It's just too much work. Non stop, always doing this, doing that, going to school, going to work going to church, tryin to be happy because if you don't people say why are you looking so sad. Always being nice, always there for other people, and not to mention just dealing with myself. There is so much confusion going on in my mind right now that I can't sort my thoughts out at all except for what to write here. I feel like crawling under a boulder and having it squeeze all the breath out of my lungs and letting it squash me to death. At the same time I feel like getting away and having fun, not caring about anything, no responsibilities, no standards to live up to, just acting a plum fool. I don't wanna go to school tomorrow, I don't even want to go back for the rest of the semester. I really don't feel like going to work tomorrow, nobody better make me mad because I really just might cuss them out. If you can't imagine me doing that, well just belive me, it's in me.

I take my feelings which have the colors of crimson and orange and bright yellows and green.
The colors are so bright, so bright that they hurt my eyes.
So I choose not to look.
I color them black because black is the absence of color.
But you know how if you color a white paper with a crayon, you can still tell what color the paper was...
I know the colors are still there.
If I think the black might come off, I color furiously.
The color is too much for my eyes.
The colors are too real.
The black causes me no strain, the only struggle is to maintain it.
I am so sick of coloring. I don't feel like coloring anymore.
*If for some reason you now find yourself saying what the heck is she talking about, don't even worry about it. I know what I mean and I don't know if it really makes sense to you or not but I don't care.