My Smiling and Laughter is a Defense Mechanism

I talked to Martina last night, yesterday was her birthday. We had been talking for like 45 minutes and then there was a silent moment. She said, "Well, I'm glad to see you're in a nice cheery mood." because we had been laughing and joking. I sighed and said, "Well, really I'm not." because, I wasn't at all. For some reason, even when I tell people about Lamont's death this strange smile creeps up on my face. No, of course I'm not happy. I don't think it's funny and its not even a smile of relief knowing he's in a "better place" The smile is so I won't cry. I laugh and joke because I think that it will help ease my own pain. It doesn't. I want to help make other people feel better about it too. I don't know if it does that or not, probably not. I really can't help it though. So just to let you all know, when you see that smile, that smile is so full of pain. That smile hurts so so bad. That smile is filled with tears and questions of why I lost my love. The laughter is a mask. It is a wall so you won't see just how much it hurts. It's crazy because I even try to hide the pain from myself, if that makes any sense. I tell myself I'm fine, I don't need to cry, everything is as normal....But deep deep way deep down I know I am just lying to myself. Lying Lying Lying. But I can't help it.