Rest in Peace My Love.....

I don't know how I'm gonna get through this blog because I have so much to say and I want to say it all at once but, that's not possible so please forgive me if my thoughts seem drifty.

Yesterday, I wasn't having a good day at all. My mother was seriously getting on my nerves, Symone was getting on my nerves, the pets were too. I went to church and was having a good time, then the saints started to get on my nerves. I was P.O.'d for most of the day. I could not wait until church was over to talk to my love and tell him about my day and have him make me laugh and forget about all the worries. We had 2 services yesterday and I wanted to call him between the 2 but he wasn't in Decatur yet. I talked to Martina though and told her to tell him I said hi and that I'd call last night.

When I finally got home for good, Mama checked the messages and told me Martina had called 3 times. The first message was around 1 something, after she had got out of church. The second was around 5ish and she said to call her as soon as I got the message and that it was very urgent. The last one just said to call her on her home phone and not the cell. Mama wouldn't let me just call, she made me do all this work first.

So finally I got to call. When she answered I was like "Girl, what's up?, what's going on?" because I was scared something happened to Lamont. She was silent. So I said again,
"Martina, what is going on??"
"It's Lamont...."
When she said that I froze. I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say, but I thought, "surely, everything is ok," but I knew it wasn't.
"Martina, what do you mean?"
"It's hard to say..."
"Martina, please...wait, let me sit down...it's not what I think it is, is it? I mean, tell me what happened, please..."
"*Sigh* Elizabeth, Lamont is Dead."

O My God. That's all I could think. O my God. The tears began to flow down my face and I couldn't even speak. I just sat there, dazed and confused, in my chair, with tears running down my face. I didn't even want to talk to Martina, but I did because yes, Lamont was my love but he was her brother. They were tight like red beans and rice. They were so so close and I knew Martina wanted someone to talk to as much as I did. After I got off the phone with her, I talked to Sonia.

Now I have stopped crying but I know I will cry again. I told my mother this morning and she was quite sad because she could see how much I loved him. I REALLY loved him. He would tell me "I don't just love you, I'm totally IN LOVE with you, there's a difference..." I was so in love with him too. The last time we talked, he told me he wanted to 3way one of his boys so I could talk to him and I was shocked that he told his boys about me. He was like "Of course. I tell them 'This is the girl I'm gonna marry'" Martina would always tell me that he'd be all mopey and sad until he talked to me. He would always say " I wanna talk to my Elizabeth" He told me that talking to me ALWAYS brightened up his day no matter what had happened. As soon as he would talk to me, everything would be ok. He meant so much to me...

I love him in every way that a woman can love a man. From personal to universal, but most of all its unconditional.-India. Arie

I swear her music could be the soundtrack of my life. I would always sing him India. Arie songs. The last time we talked I sang a song called Beautiful Surprise.
It's like yesterday I didn't even know your name
Now today you're always on my mind
I never would have predicted that I'd feel this way, but,
You are a beautiful surprise
That's all I sang (i gave him songs in small doses, for his own good :), and he loved it. I wasn't gonna sing to him but he begged me, I mean, he was literally graveling. It was like he was begging for someone to give him back his shoes while standing in the snow. :) So I sang to my love...And there's so many other songs I wanted to sing to him. Like I told myself that when I meet him I would sing that old time song,
At laaaaast, my looove has come along.....
And then I would sing him Luther Vandross's
Oh, my love. A thousand kisses from you is not far too much..

Now I must just be strong and remember my love. I will always have a place in my heart for him, always always always. Even though my friends know that I loved him so much, they don't even know the extent of it.

It's interesting because me and Lamont had talked about this very same thing happening, and I told him that if anything ever happened to him that I would probably be angry with God, and that I didn't know if I could ever love like that again. He made me promise that I would never turn my back on God and that I would love again. He said if anything happened, that when I got to heaven, he would be waiting for me and we would dance toe to toe. -- Alright my love, when I walk through those pearly gates, you're the first one I wanna see after Jesus. Save that dance for me my love, don't you forget.--