2004

Looking at the calendar today, I can't belive Christmas is just next week. I'm not even done shopping!! Anyway, everyone knows that after thanksgiving the rest of the year just flies by, and it has definately flown. I am forced to think back on the year, but it's always hard to remember what happened in the beginning months. What can I remember?

Starting to find my father's side of the family
Meeting Max
Meeting Kabah (can you belive it was this year?)
Meeting Obina (Jeffrey)
TYJ died
Donna and Kitty "left"
Emily got her own apartment
Meeting Julius
Becoming leader of the Praise Dancers
Tura and Sonia went to Guyana for spring Break
Sonia moved out
Sonia got Trevor
Sonia's mommy passed :-(
I got to know SO MANY of my beautiful African people :-D
KEITH!!
I finally quit Claire's
Started TJ Maxx, S&K, and peer mentoring
Took a class with KaReisha
Went on a date with AJ
Went on a double date
Got my hair chopped off

Wow, so this year has been pretty much uneventful.

Sometimes I feel

Sometimes I feel like I have noone to talk to. Well, really, noone to listen because I can talk until my face is blue, but that doesn't mean anyone will listen to me. . .

But you know what? This is MY BLOG and i can talk alllll i want to!

SCHOOL
I have a problem with school. I love learning, but since third grade or so, school hasn't really been my forte. I hate the homework, I hate the busy work, maybe my problem is that I just hate the work. I hate the structure. I hate having to take classes that pertain to things I'm not interested in and that will affect whether I graduate on time and that affect my GPA, and are not even a part of my major. They claim it's to make students more 'well rounded' but I disagree. I think there must be better ways. But it doesn't matter. School is one of those things you have to do, and with society today, choosing higher education is a social norm of sorts. It doesn't even matter how much or little you know, but what does matter is your status as a degree holder. Even if I don't know JACK but still have a degree behind my name, I could get a decent job. And those who are so smart and educated because of interest, not because of force of going to school, but don't have a degree are going NOWHERE. Sad isn't it? But nobody seems to care, because the world will keep moving with or without you. It will move with or without me, so what is my rush? by the time I get "there", "there" will be in a whole different place, and I will forever be chasing.

BODY
Hey body, what's wrong with you? You haven't been acting right for the past few years, and I'm getting tired of your games. All I want you to do is function and feel good, can't you do that for me? We're in this thing together!!! There is no you without me, so I suggest you straighten up before I fire you. But do realize, there is no me without you! I'm begging you here. You keep hurting me. Whyy. Haven't I loved you? Maybe not always but I always fed and watered you. Is this the treatment I get? I'm trying to take better care of you, take you out for walks every now and then, and make sure you get some balanced meals, but it's hard Body. It's so hard sometimes. Forgive me if sometimes I don't have time to feed you. Forgive me if I forget to water you. PLEASE forgive me if I neglect to take you out for play and excercise once in a while, but I need you to stay strong for me. (and slim down a little) We can't go on this way. If I do my best to do my part, please reciprocate the favor. Do this for US.

LOVE
Everyone always told me you suck.
I'm not sure if it's true, but I always tried to be the optimist and defend your honor, but I'm wondering if I should belive the hype. I think the problem is that nobody gets you. You are SO misunderstood, and that must be hard, but maybe if you were a little more consistent. . . I don't even know what you are. Perhaps you are a serial killer, making hearts break and crushing millions who vow to never come to you again. But sometimes you can be so nice. AHA! I've got it! You are a trap. We, unsuspecting humans are the mice, and you Love, are both the yummy cheese and the snapping trap. How can you be so cruel? Does it bring you pleasure to see so many in pain? Is that where you get off? If so, then Love, you are SICK and I ABHOR you. If not, then please help me clarify what the heck you are. Since the beginning of time your mystery has been held, and I promise, if you help me understand you, I will help the world understand you, and you will be seen in a much more positive light. Deal?

Thank you for listening.

Have you ever felt like you wanna just be physically hurt for being stupid? I think this comes from my youth, and being expected to be beat when I did something bad, i.e. bringing home bad grades.

Lemme tell ya, this semester was not so hot. Fall semesters always get me, I think it has to do with the time change and days getting shorter, seriously. Spring semesters are the best. So now, my grades are gonna pretty much suck, and I feel so bad that I just wanna be hurt.

I want somebody to hit me. For being stupid, for wasting my time and procrastinating, for not working harder.

Give me "something to cry about".

I deserve it.

Cri'mma Shoppin'

I've been getting some Christmas shopping out of the way, but not nearly enough. I haven't made lists of what I'm gonna get everybody yet, and that means I'm likely to forget somebody. And that's sad.

Stank you smelly much
I was sitting with my friend earlier, and a friend of his (Lee) was at the table. He left to go to class, so it was just me and Lee at the table. Why?
After a few moments of silence. . .

"Sooo, I'm supposed to be going to the podiatrist."
". . .Oh yea?"
"Yeah, see I have this callous on my foot that hurts like an S.O.B. everytime I try to walk!"
"Oh. I'm sorry"
He then proceeded to tell me about how the pain is bearable when he's wearing his shoes, but he walks around the house barefoot, and it really hurts on tile floors, and he hopes they burn it off.
Thanks dude. Thanks for letting me know.

So, I think I'm gonna fail my music appreciation class. isn't that sad? it's not even a hard class! i'm so mad about this, because it's gonna affect everything for next semester, and also for my *hopefully* entering Knox in the fall. Woe is me. Oh yes, woe is she.

Reflection

I remember back in the day, when I was all of maybe 5 or 6, we used to sing this song in the children's choir.

"I might as well think big/ Why should anyone think small?/ I might as well think big/ If I'm gonna think. . .at all"

I also remember conversations with my mother of a similar realm.

"What should I be when I grow up?"
"You can be anything you wanna be."
"But what if I wanna be an. . .astronaut?"
"Then you can be an astronaut."
"Well, what if I wanna be a. . .pizza?!"
"If you wanna be a pizza, then you can be a pizza."
"Maaamaaa, how can I grow up to be a pizza???"
"If that's what you want to be when you grow up, then you'll make a way. Put your mind to it and you can do it."

This is the theory I have been raised on, and I still hold it true today. But it seems somewhere along the line, something has infected my view of being able to do anything I want. Even being a pizza. It seems like as much as I try, and as hard as I'm trying, something isn't working right in my life. School-wise, financially, spiritually, personally, socially, I must be doing something wrong.

Elizabeth, your expectations are too high.

This is the message I'm getting from everywhere I turn! I'm at a point where East meets West in the manner that everything I've known-being able to achieve anything I set my mind to- is being met with the idea that I have set my goals and expectations too high. The combination finds me in a strange place, in a middle state of uncertainty, and I'm not sure what to do with it.

But I do know it's making me cry, because I'm confused.
It's making me feel lost because it seems that I'm not going in the direction of the steps I'm taking.
=(

Tell the Tale

I am here to tell you the tale of a double date. First, lets review the grades.
(my date) Jonathan-D/F+
(Sonia's date) Stephen-(muahahahahaaaa!!!)-C, but an A for effort.
Sonia-B+
Me-A++(what?)

First, me and Sonia got to Jonathan's dorm and waited for Stephen to arrive. Meanwhile we played in Obina's hair which was fun. He liked it. Stephen got there, and we all sat around and chatted for a while until it was time to leave. Sonia and I were ordered to leave the room momentarily while Jonathan "got naked". *wink sonia* After that, we spent a little time deliberating on where to eat, finally settling on IHOP.

Obina said me and Sonia looked so cute that he would marry us both. I don't think I like to share though. . .

Since it was snowing, and ya know, baby girl had her hair done up all nice and everything, we ran to meet Trevor in the parking lot. Thanks to the basketball game Trevor was some distance away, and while running in the just-was-rain-now-is-snow in the dark, both Sonia and I managed to splash in a BIG puddle. Smooth.

Jonathan, Stephen, and I made ourselves cozy in the backseat while our chauffer Sonia drove us to IHOP. This is where the 'fun' began. The waiter was really cool, for the time he was there. I guess he decided he needed to leave, which sucks, because I think that's what messed up our orders. We waited forever for the food to come, and when it came, it wasn't right. But hey, that's ok. While we ate, we taught the boys Doo Run Run, and then had a lil' chuuuch up in there. This whole time, I found myself observing Stephen's lack of game. Actually, what his game consisted of was an ill mirror-image of whatever Jonathan did. Jonathan put his arm around me, Stephen put his arm around Sonia. Jonathan whispered to me (no, no sweet nothings in the ear), Stephen whispered to Sonia. Jonathan asked me what I liked to do in my free time, Stephen asked Sonia what she like to do in her free time. You get it. It was kinda sad, because the boy had no game. Really, you don't even have to have game, just have some social skills for crying out loud.

We played "going to the beach" which was fun. We were bringing some weird stuff.

Then we went bowling, which was fun, but my nails always break when I do it. Even through my broken nails, I still managed to beat everybody, which is sad because I'm not much of a bowler. My date wasn't giving me much support, except for when I rolled a strike. Men.

After bowling, we went back to the dorm and chilled. I was attempting to take a nice little nap on Obina's bed when Jonathan threw a pillow at me. How could a date do such a thing? That's ok, I needed a pillow anyway, but when I stuck it under my head, he came over and snatched it from me! How rude. . . Not only that, but I also got the cover snatched from me several times during the night and I was sooo cold. Where was the love?

We left around 2 a.m. to take Stephen home, not knowing he lived WAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY out in the boonies. I swear, this boy lives on the very outskirts of Bloomington, it has to be almost in another town. Crazy.

But, that was our date. It will make for good stories for my children.

Hott Double Date

Tonight Sonia and I have a hot date with 2 of the finest young men in Bloomington/Normal. Ok, maybe 2 of the finest young men who work at Wal*Mart. . .well maybe just 2 young men.

Originally Tura was supposed to go, but alas, I guess it wasn't meant to be. We should do a triple, so Tura and Jeffrey could come too. That would be fun and crazy at the same time.

I have been instructed to look cute, now should I take this as an insult? Is that supposed to mean that I would come not looking cute, or that I don't look cute on a daily basis? Am I not cute in my jeans and hoodie? Do you not like my T-shirts and gym shoes? What is this madness???

So here I am, doing my best to look cute. I have my hair 'did'. (. . .I know that ain't your ponytail, because your 'bang's too short!') I put on a touch of makeup and although I'm still wearing jeans, they're nice ones and I have a cute shirt on. Do you think I'll be cute enough?

Really, can I get any cuter? lol, just kidding

Now I must leave to study for and take my spanish test that I've know about for a whole week and still didn't study for in advance. Que horrible! I missed my first class this morning because I was tooooo tired to get up. Why was I tired? Because I had to look cute today, which meant doing my hair, which meant I needed to wash it, and that should say everything. What a nightmare.

Let me tell you something. . .
I like my approach and I think it's original and unique. Who wants to do the same old thing that everybody else is doing? not me. So, thank you, but i don't really care if you don't like it. hm.

Hey, Elizabeth, what's wrong?

My back hurts, and my stomach is upset. Why?

It's snowing outside.

My blog picture is gone! I'm gonna find yet another template and pimp it out. yeah

I have to go to class.

I need to get my Knox application in, but I don't know what else to say on my essay.

I really don't wanna go to class.

Tear
In the still of the night
Lying in your arms, being held tight
As you fell fast asleep,
Lover, I began to weep.

Your chest rose and fell
As I thought of all I wanted to tell
Of my insecurities, hopes and fears
But all that did escape was a tear

The first tear ran down my cheek
and fell to your skin
The tear dedicated to my greatest sin

(perhaps i shall finish this later. perhaps it shall go unfinished. . .)

That was soooo freakin weird

I'm in the computer lab (I've been here allll day) workin on some last minute stuff the day before break. I'm sitting here, working, working, working (I should always work this hard) and the girl next to me has been here for a while too. She's a pretty-ish girl, and she has that dyed black hair, and I don't care what I'm wearing look. She seemed nice, till she freaked me OUT !!!

She sneezed, so I said "Bless you". She didn't say thank you or anything, which didn't bother me at all. The she sneezed again, I said "bless you" again and she whipped her head in my direction, and gave me this blank, icy look. She said "Don't bless me, it burns. . ."
I'm sitting there, looking at her with this big dumbfounded look because all I wanna do is pray and call on my sweet Jesus to come get me, and see about this girl.

Honestly, she scared me. She scared the bajeezus out of me, and I kinda wanted to run. I didn't know if her head would start spinning around, Exorcist style, or if some demons would come out of her and start runnin up on me, or what. But, I was scared. I'm still kinda scared, and she is still next to me, and I haven't looked at her since.

See, this is why you gotta leave the house prayed up, cuz these people are crazy out here.

Symone's big happy self, last Christmas I think. (Note the Spongebob in her hand. scary) 

So, as you can tell, I've recently learned how to put pics on my blog!! I"m so excited, I know I need to be working on this paper that's due in 2 hours that I've known about for 2 weeks now but you know how I procrastinate *breath* but why do that when I can post pictures?!?!?

Blogger has once again gotten the best of me. *_*

Now I definately have to get a digital camera.

I cannot wait to get some more pics on here!!!!

*CHEEEEESE!!* this is cousin anthony, flasing a nice BIG smile :D 

I think this picture is so cute. My mother and Daryl, I think at at thanksgiving or one of those family-get-together-everybody-eating things 

This is my father and I at my graduation. . .yea, I look good in purple *_* 

Graduation 2003. . .the last of my high school days 

Here is another pic of cousin Jerome. . .Do we look alike? 

This is my cousin Jerome, I spoke to him for the first time last night!! The baby in the picture is my aunt's daughter, so I guess that makes her my cousin too right? Ahh, family =) 

Please Be Nice

What ever happened to people being nice? It seems everybody has an attitude these days, chill out people!

Like this morning, I needed change for a $5 so I could get myself a drink. Since I refuse to patronize the "Campus Cafe" (I'll not digress on this right now), I went to the vending machine, but I did go to the Cafe to get my change. This lady was snappin. First, when I walked in, the lady looked at me crazy right off the bat. She stands at the counter, with this look on her face like "What do you want?? I'm waitiiiiing. . ." Keep on waiting then! Dang. . .
"Hi, can I get change for a $5 please?" (being very nice as usual)
Then, she gives me another crazy look, just full of attitude.
"Well, let me see if I even have change."
You know you got some change! Dang! You're running this little establishment and you don't know if you have 5 $1's in your drawer? Come on now. . .
"Okaay."
She starts looking in the drawer, acting like maybe she doesn't have 5 singles, but even I can see she has at least 10-15 in the thing. She starts whipping them out of the drawer, like I just messed up her whole day.
"*SIGH* Well, this time I do have it, but next time, you need to go to the cashier. Don't you know you have a cashier at this school?
Do you really think that I'm going to go in a whole different building to go to the cashier (which is intended for things like, erm, Tuission Payments) when all I need is change for a $5 to get a drink, and you are right down the hallway with a drawer full of money? I don't think so. Homie don't play dat.
She couldn't just be like, "I'm sorry, but the cash in this drawer is just for purchases" Noooo, she had to snap out.
Then
The computer lab has this policy: "Do not eat or drink in the lab. Keep all bottles, cans, cups, etc. sealed, on the floor, or in a bag at all times. Ok, thats cool but I have to say I usually don't abide by it too strictly. I'll sit here and munch on my little cheese crackers, or pretzels as I type away, and swig a couple of drinks of my beverage of choice while I "surf the net". No big deal unless I see the. . .dun dun dunnnnnnn
Computer Lab Nazi!!!!
She's a seemingly sweet, and often helpful lady but don't get 'caught' drinking or eating.
she
will
SNAP!!!
I swear, if you don't strategically sneak your sips and nibbles, this lady will practically spiral down from the ceiling and lasso you to your chair and give you a good ol' scolding.
I was chillin in my seat, drinkin my drink, doin like I do. All of a sudden, this woman pops out of nowhere (let me add that she's about 50) and is all up in my grill!
"Um, Excuuuse me, Excuuuse me!"
I look up at her, thinkin 'What in the heeezzeee??' She says
"Whose drink is This?"
Aww dang, here we go.
"It's mine, I'm sorry. . ."
She plops a fist on her hip, and points to the little sign above me.
"Read that sign"
Ok, dang , I just said I was sorry
"Alright, I'll put it away. . ."
"There is NO drinking in the computer lab. . .!!"
Look here lady
"If you want to take a drink you must go outside of the lab"
"Alright, sorry, I just. . ."
"And whose drink is that?"

Aw, Now she's snappin on my friend. We both got treated by this woman! Whatever happened to "excuse me, but there's no drinking in the computer lab, but you can take your drink outside the lab if you want to drink it"

What happened to being nice? Give peace a chance or something. . .dang

Paulie Baby

Paul Lawrence Dunbar, I love this guy. He's one of the most famous black poets, but you might not have heard of him. well now you have! (these are pieces of works, not whole poems)

He writes about love. . .
Dis hyeah love 's a cu'rus thing,
Changes 'roun' de season,
Meks you sad or meks you sing,
'Dout no urfly reason.
Sometime I go mopin' 'roun',
Den agin I 's leapin';
Sperits allus up an' down
Even when I 's sleepin'.

SEE dis pictyah in my han'?
Dat's my gal;
Ain't she purty? goodness lan'!
Huh name Sal.
Dat's de very way she be --
Kin' o' tickles me to see
Huh a-smilin' back at me.

Often when I 's all alone
Layin' here,
I git t'inkin' bout my own
Sallie dear;
How she say dat I 's huh beau,
An' hit tickles me to know
Dat de gal do love me so.

He writes about feeling depressed
STANNIN' at de winder,
Feelin' kind o' glum,
Listened to de raindrops
Play de kettledrum.

Mandy, bring my banjo,
Bring de chillen in,
Come in f''om de kitchen,
I feel sick ez sin,
Call in Uncle Isaac,
Call Aunt Hannah, too,
Tain't no use in talkin',
Chile, I 's sholy blue!

He writes of siblings
Now you, John Henry, 'tain't no use
To stan' up daih an' mak no 'scuse.
You need n't tink you foolin' me,
I sutny has got eyes to see!
Oh I 's yo' sistah, yes, dat 's true;
But den what good 's dat gwine to do?
Dey ain't no use in tellin' lies,
You look right sheepish f''om yo' eyes!
(this reminded me of Symone)

All I want for Christmas is. . . .

I get the question every year, "what do you want for christmas?". When asked, I never know, so I decided to give it some early thought. If people can put up Christmas lights before Thanksgiving, I can surely think about a few things I might like to have.

Digital camera
Manual camera (for my photography class)
Luggage (for my travel *_*)
Money (that will always make the list)
A new Computer
That seems to be it, I think that's all I really want.

Whistle While You Work

I meant to write about this yesterday, but I couldn't under the circumstances that the subject was sitting right next to me (you know sometimes we have those computer screen peekers, hey I'm guilty too), and also I got distracted by unexpected company.Anyway, I'm sitting at the computer, doing my thang. The kid next to me, he was pretty nice, we had chatted a bit. I resume doing my work, and he continues to do his, no problem. Then he put on his headphones. Awww hecky naw. . .

Now, headphones can bring a variety of problems. One being that you can sometimes hear the music the other person is listening to, and if its some head-banging metal or some strange digital-tehno sounding type stuff, it can put a damper on my state of mind. But that wasn't the problem. Another headphone problem is humming. When jamming to your music, sometimes you are unaware of the world around you, and you get caught up in your jam and think you're actually on the CD too. You might think you're humming/singing quietly, but everybody and their mama can hear you. That wasn't the problem.

Since ol' boy had the headphones on, he obviously couldn't hear himself. First, his breathing got reeeeeaallll heavy, like he was sleeping. But he wasn't. I mean, he was almost like, snoring. This is when it got reeal bogish.

This man started whistling.

Not whistling with his mouth, like usual, no, he got that nose whistle thang goin on. You know about that, you've had it too. And it was LOUD. It wasn't your quiet, almost inaudible nose whistle, like wwweeeeeeeee, woooooooooooo (yes, thats the sound of a nose whistle ok?) Nah, it was loud like
weeeeeeeee, woooooooooo
weeeeeeeeeeeeeee, wooooooooooooooooo
weeeeeeeeeeeeeee, woooooooooooooooo

Now, I'm not one to get easily annoyed, but this was too much! It was like a scream! This man, sitting up here nose whistling, all loud, all up in my ear, nah. not cool. Especially when i think its gonna stop, but you keep going for 10 MINUTES!!! daaaaannnnggg man!

Just had to vent about that.

Weird

I've come to the conclusion that I'm weird. Ok, maybe peculiar sounds a little better. Yes, I am peculiar.

See, I've always been different than everybody else, even as a child. I was smaller than everyone else (almost runt-like). I'd rather stay inside and bury myself into the pages of a great book for hours on end than turn double-dutch and run behind my friends while they rode their bikes. I never did learn how to ride a bike. . .

My favorite place to go, more than anywhere else in the world (except for maybe my grandmother's house), was the Harold Washington Library downtown. That place is freakin HUGE! It was like my young version of heaven, where the streets were paved with carpet and the walls were covered in. . .books. The library was the SPOT!

Then, there's the way I always hung around the 'grown folks'. I think this is mostly because up until the age of 6, I was an only child, and grown folks is who I was usually surrounded by. But then, it got to the point where at family gatherings, I'd be sitting around with the grand-folks (you know, grandparents and those old aunts and uncles) listening to their stories and such, while all the other kids were livin it up and having a high time playing in the grass.

On field trips, when we partnered up, if there was an extra person he-she would have to be the teacher's partner. I loved being the teacher's partner!

Now, don't get me wrong. I definately wouldn't label myself as being a 'nerd' back in those days (but maybe I'm biased), I had my cool points. I had plenty of friends, and they loved the heck out of me. Then again, they did get mad when their parents asked why they couldn't be more like me. (not funny, this happened more times than even I believed!)

And now, especially lately, I've come to realize how peculiar I really am. Who else knows a black girl from the south side of Chicago (wild 100's ya'll-but you might not know nothin' bout that) who gets classical music stuck in her head and speaks to people in spanish on a regular basis regardless of whether they understand or not? And who likes to spell some words the european way (which everyone says is wrong) just becuase it seems right, like grey? Or who has no problem wearing her hair wrapped in a range of colors and prints on a daily basis for months on end? There's too many things to list!

I'm peculiar.
But it's okay.
I know you still love me anyway :)

Love?

Love
warm and fuzzy
Love
red and sultry
Love
deep and caring
Love
strong and daring
Love
my protection
Love
in affection
Love
you, my friend
in Love
again and again
Love
that crazy thing
(what does I Love you mean?)

I have Beethoven's fifth symphony in my head. Thats the one that goes dun-dun-dun-DUN, dun-dun-dun-DUNNNNN. That's the jam.

After sitting at this computer for an hour and a half, I've decided to start my paper. I have to find some motivation. I was thinking my motivation could be sickness.
Because I'm sick of seeing my people in the state that they're in. I just started to really feel this on another level.
Maybe I should write about it later so I can get this paper done. That would be a good idea.

High/Low
I was watching a movie where each night the family sat down to dinner (hah) and each person went around and said their high and low for the day. I like that.
High-Talking to my "soul mate" today (*wink* lol). He told me he liked my poem, and I love the way he's mad feeling me on knowing that only I know its true meaning. That was so deep to me, because most people can't even go there, which is why I'm always leery of sharing my poetry.
Low- Talking to Sonia today, she's having such a bad day. When she's sad, I'm sad, but I have to do my best to be strong for her because I love her so much. And thats what I have to do.

I went to vote yesterday, that was cool. I still don't know if they've decided the president yet, but I'm so sure Bush is gonna win. Just one of those feelings. What can ya do? Vote. I did that, so I guess I just leave it alone.

Lately my sister has been on this kleptomaniac thing, I don't know what's wrong with the girl. I even experienced it firsthand a couple of nights ago. I went to pick up mama from work, and I had Symone and her 2 friends (twins) in the car. We go into Party City to wait until she finished up her work, and Symone and her friends separated from me. I went over to where they were later, and Symone's back was facing me. She was talking to the twins about some boy or another, and she turned around to face me, then turned back.
"Come on guys, I'll tell you later so some people won't be in our business."
She proceeds to walk down the aisle
"Wait Symone, come here. Let me check your pockets."
Sister's instinct.
"What? What for? Man. . ."
Getting an attitude. mm hm.
"Just come here. . ."
I proceed to grab her.
"Um, wait, I just gotta show Rae and Devin something"
Powerwalks down the aisle. That girl never walks that fast.
"Symone"
In that motherlike voice. Have you ever sounded like your mother? scary. As she walks down the aisle and turns the corner, I'm watching her every movement like a hawk. Sure enough (she must think i'm dumb, or blind, or that she's incredibly slick) I see her fling something out of her pocket. She turns the corner and I go to see what it is. Lo and behold, a baby bottle pop in the midst of Sponge Bob napkins and paper plates. hmmm, wonder how that got there.
I reapproach her
"Come here Symone"
In that calmest voice ever.
"SEE, nothing in my pockets, just some tissue, a gum wrapper. . ."

My mother's all like "what did I do wrong" and I'm trying to tell her that most parents don't raise their children to do bad things, but we have a lot of people in this world who do. Each one has to make their own decision. What is one to do?

Ok, I'm almost done. I just HAVE to tell you about this email I got today. Now, we know that Knox is mad expensive ($31,000) and yes, I have a scholarship for $5,000 (praise the Lord) but that doesn't do much. Of course there's financial aid and all that, but this email I got today was reguarding a scholarship. A $30,000 renewable scholarship.
WHAT YOU SAY??
How weird/cool/timely is that? They don't just have $30,000 renewable scholarships. I'm stunned and wondering. Hm. Wow.

I'm gonna do it. I was nervous at first. I was afraid. But now I think I'm ready to apply to Knox College. I think of how great it would be to go there, all the oppourtunities it would open up. Are you excited for me?

What's been up lately
I know lately I haven't been writing about much of anything. I think because I've been in this dissonant state of depression and anxiety and even incoherentness. (yes, im using those college words) I've been feeling so disconnected from my world, but still burdened with the problems of it. I want to blame it on DST (daylight savings time) and the rotation of Mother Earth around the sun and the change in seasons. I want to blame it on the strain of working and going to school and being active in church and feeling like I'm not doing enough when I know I'm doing too much. I want to blame it on that man, and what he's doing to me, and the effect I'm letting him have on me. I've always considered myself a strong person. Maybe I only look like a rock, but am made of putty.
But let's not dwell on that.

Today is Tura's birthday!!! She's the big 2-0, the big tweezy, off the heezy. . .ok i'll stop. FELIZ CUMPLEANOS mi amiga!!!
We went to "celebrate" her birthday on Saturday. After I got off work, Me, Tura and Sonia all went across the parking lot to Chili's and ate and had a good time. It was fun, even though we are so lame that all we could do was eat to celebrate. But that's okay tho. I am both comfortable and confident in the lameness of both me and my friends. *nod*

Last night Max took me to the movies, we had a nice time. We saw SharkTale, which surprised me, because he's the one who actually picked it out. I didn't think he' want to see something like that, being so serious as he is.

I feel like writing a poem.

Not ready to keep waiting
But still I'm hesitating
So afraid of what our love could bring
Not so sure of seeing you with me
Baby
Bending myself to your lust
Counting backwards from 10 with each thrust
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
Is this your idea of fun
Hun
You hold me so close
In my stomach a feeling so morose
Knowing that You + Me = Three
And three would mean forever We
Scary.

I don't care
I don't care
Right now I feel like I don't care
A-bout you
A-bout me
I don't care about anything
Not the grass
Not the trees
Not the fall
Not the spring
Not daylight savings time
Which I hate
Because its dark
And I feel so bad
Because I know winter's coming
And I hate the cold
Because you can't go outside
And everyone gets sick
And you have to blow your nose so much until it hurts but you stil have to keep blowing it unless you want snot running out of your nose which is so not cute, but then what are you to do?
I dont' care about anything
No, not me
No, not you
No, not work because my job doesn't pay me enough even though it is more than the job I was working before but I wanna quit this one anyway cuz I'm getting bored with the work, I'm just not feeling it.
No, not school because as much as I want a good future and all that jazz, I feel like I'm working so hard and there are freaking people out here who all they have to do is go to school and they don't have to work and they don't have any bills and i dont care where they get there money from but they dont have to do JACK but go to school and that is so not fair because here I am, struggling, trying to do so much because I want everyhting to go right but nothing is really going right and im tired all the time and i hate that, but i dont get enough sleep, and i dont eat right because i never have time to eat and when I do eat its a honey bun which has so much fat which is probably why I'm gaining weight AND i couldnt even turn in my paper that was due today because i tried to do it yesterday and i couldnt get it done at school and i couldnt get it done at home becuase of my possesed computer so i couldnt get online to do what i needed to do and i couldnt go ANYWHERE ELSE to get it done, so im just jacked up AND he doesnt accept late papers so that means im going to loose 50 POINTS and that is such crap but who can i blame.
I don't care about anything.
Not my clothes
Not my nose
Not my shoes
Not your blues
I don't care about annyyyyythiiiiiing.

THIS is one of the most hilarious blogs i've read in a long time. Ghetto humor and well written. A must read.

I hate you! you ate my post!!!!!!! WHYYYY

sitting on the edge of my seat
thinking of what she has to tell me
mind is racing, anticipating
bad news, good news
i wonder whats going on
i wonder whats wrong
nothing is moving fast enough
i gotta do something, but i dont know what

Hey you, what you said was really deep. As a matter of fact, I went over it several times because it was so thought provoking. And I still wonder "what am I to do with you?" in a couple of ways. But I'm gonna just leave that alone.

I really don't feel myself lately. I think its a combination of being sick, not getting enough sleep, not eating enough, and school and work. I asked my friend what she did this weekend and she said "nothing!". Its strange because I found myself getting angry. She did nothing this weekend. All the crap I had to do and she was sitting home chillin and getting drunk. Not that I wanna get drunk, but it sure would be nice to just chill. Like now, I would love to be home sleeping; I'm mad tired and the weather is perfect for sleeping. However, there is always work to be done. I have sooooooooooooooooo much work due in classes, and since I've been slacking off lately, now I have to work double-time.

I can't even think straight. My memory and cognition seem to be so fuzzy these days. I think my brain is repressing memories for the fun of it. Even my vision is getting worse, what is this?? Sometimes I find myself holding my breath, and I don't know why. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, I am so not balanced now. I think I feel disturbed in every realm of my being, but I think at the core is the spirit, so maybe if I get that together everything will fall into place?

HEY
Sonia- you make me smile and cry. I love ya!
Tura- just because we haven't found the way doesn't mean we're lost.
Lauren- Wal-Mart lol what a trip
You- Don't do anything I wouldn't do. . .I know you'll be good ;)
Me- Slap yo'self fool.

Yeeaa, so I was gonna write a bit and tell you about my weekend, then I stumbled upon this blog which took up my precious blogging time. Now I must go to class. Really, this post was only so I could remember the link.

So how about this weather? it SUCKS!

Time Flies

Did you know its been a year since I started blogging?? That's craziness, I hadn't realized it has been a little over a year to date that I had started blogging. This is cool. So I decided to go back and read some of my posts from way back when, and after reading a couple of lines I decided against it. Let the past pass, I'll not bring up anything to perplex and potentially anger my mind. That's another story.

Anyway, this anniversary of sorts of my blog would not be complete without my blog mom, the one who essentially brought life to my blogging experience, who has recently returned and once again is a member of the blogging community. Cheers! to her.

I did Crystal's hair last night. I braided it and put some beads in it. I couldn't have that girl walking around looking like Animal from the Muppet Babies.

So guess what? I found this GREAT and absolutely wonderful college I would love to go to. Its called Knox College www.knox.edu and its in Galesburg. Please click on the link and tell me what you think. Ohh, this college has that feel of being "The One". Its expensive (30,000) and its "highly selective" but we shall see what happens. Should I dare to be hopeful? Yes.

Can you be a part of my life? can you be a part of my life?

Oh it's easy to find someone to play with
and almost anyone will do to fill your idle time.
but that very special someone you can share all your dreams with is so hard to find
And it used to be like me to settle for the physical
but these days it ain't too easy to make up my mind
cause apparently your body just to temporary to take up my precious time

(Bridge)
See I've got to know that
that I can be free with you
and you've got to show that
that you're worthy of my time
can you stimulate my mind?

(Chorus)
And I know that it looks good, but can you be a part of my life
and I'm sure that it feels good but can you be a part of my life
and it probably even tastes good but can you be a part of my life
I've got to know, I've got to know ohhhh. . .

I still appreciate the beauty of a man
but there's much more to what I need now than what meets the eye
and if beauty's only skin deep then your pretty skin won't send me to my highest high
oh it's been a long time come for maturity
and I believe that it's truly what it has to be
cause as much as I admire you
my sexual desire ain't controlling me

(Bridge)
(Chorus)

Once again, India.Arie has captured the true essence of the situation. Can he be a part of my life, cuz if not, then why am I wasting my time? We've had our fun, but now I need something with more substance. "Can you stimulate my mind?" And if he can be a part of my life, then its high time that we do something about this, because right now I feel like this is some Jr. High stuff. lol maybe I should have him check a box YES or NO cuz then I would have a straight answer and not be guessing. *sigh* I'm too old for this.

My good news

Ok Ok, do you want the good news or the bad news first? I'll start with the bad news.

I put in this application for a scholarship to go on a leadership conference through Project Rise. I was so excited, its at this resort in Wisconsin and it lasts 3 days. So, I put in my application, and wrote a really great response to all the questions, I was psyched.
So I was at work, talking to Tiko and she told me that she had gotten her acceptance letter. I called home, and my letter had come too, so I had Symone read it. I could tell she was reading ahead because she kept pausing. . .
"Dear Elizabeth, thank. . .you for submitting. . .your application. . . .to the. ."
"Come on Symone! Read it!"
"Ok, OK! to the MAEOPP leadership conference. . . .ohhhh, Elizabeth. . "
"SYMONE."
"Unfortunately. . ."

That was all I needed to hear. So I didn't get to go on the Leadership conference.

Faye, the director of PR called me into her office yesterday. She asked me if I'd gotten my letter about MAEOPP. I told her yea, and she knew I was upset about not getting selected to go. Then she said

Yea, well we didn't send you to MAEOPP because we're gonna be sending you to Central America.

Yes, they are sending me to Central America this summer and I am so much more than excited. WOW. Details are forthcoming my friends.

I'm feeling much better, Thanks

I was really down this past week, just going through this and that, and then the whole Sonia thing, then the whole mother thing, then the whole Max thing. . . when the sh** hits the fan right? But now I feel much better, I know somebody is praying for me.

I've been thinking lately. Thinking about how when I was younger, I'd say starting 5th or 6th grade, I would pray continually for God to make me someone who others would be able to see His light shine through me. That was the true desire of my heart, I wanted to be a open and willing vessel, for whatever He wanted me to do. I wanted people to look at me and see Him.

Well, they do say be careful what you pray for lol. Part of the reason I was so down and frustrated was because I know that God has made and is still making me into that person. A part of being saved and living holy is being sanctified and set apart. I can't be like everybody else, and that has its moments when it sucks. It is a huge privledge and responsibility to live a Christ-like life, but it seems more like a responsibility. How can I lead anyone to walk the straight and narrow road when I'm drifting? A lot of times people in the church will say "The world has nothing to offer" but as my pastor says, it has plenty to offer, but what is it worth?

So I'm trying to live by the scripture: Romans 12:2 - And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. But its so hard, because I always have to be on my P's and Q's (what does that stand for anyway?). What I do is not only a representation of me, but of my church, of my faith and my God. So if I cuss you out, how does that make God look? If you see me at a party juking away and having a good time, what reflection is that on my church? If you know me to call myself "saved" and you see me wearing skimpy clothes and running around with this boy and that one, what impression does that leave you of salvation?

But sometimes I feel like I wanna be able to make mistakes without being a mis-representation of what is good. Not that I wanna go out there and do bad things, but I don't always want the pressure of continually carrying the name of my Saviour, which I know is a privledge in itself. Its almost like living under a magnifying glass, everybody is always watching what I do and say, even though I may not realize it.

So I feel like I wanna be free.
Romans 6:20 - For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness.
Thats not the free I want.
Romans 6:22 - But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life.

So lets see, free from righteousness, nahh. Free from sin, holiness, everlasting life. Free from sin seems to have some good benefits. So I guess I'd rather be free from sin and be a servant of God. Being that servant, I know I have my duty to live this life and let His light shine thru me. Its worth that everlasting life.

Was it stupidity?
i'm not really sure what it was, but i knew it would eventually happen, it was only a matter of time. i set myself up for it. i thought i could handle it, and now what? and what do i do now? how do i respond? what if it proves to be detrimental? this could change my life, in fact it already has in a way. agh, i am sooo stupid. what was going through my head? what the heck was i thinking? maybe she was right. maybe he was right. but what about me? obviously i was sooo wrong. i dont like this.

The ocean is essentially a huge toilet bowl.-My Earth Science teacher

Tura- where is your blog?

I love this song. . .

The ways of this world are grabbing a hold Won't let me go, won't let me fly by
It takes it's toll down on my soul cuz I know what I need in my life
Dont let me lose my sight of you, dont let me lose my sight.
I dont wanna fall away from you... Gravity is pulling me on down...
I dont wanna fall away from you... Gravity is pulling me to the ground...

This world keeps making me cry but im gonna try gonna try to fly gotta fly high.
But dont want to give into the sin..wanna stay on you till the end.
Dont wanna lose my sight of you, dont wanna lose my sight.
I dont wanna fall away from you... Gravity is pulling me on down...
I dont wanna fall away from you... Gravity is pulling me to the ground...

I want to fly.... into the sky.
Turn my back on this old world and leave it all behind.
This place is not my home, has got nothing for me.
Only leaves me with emptiness and tears in my eyes.
I dont wanna fall away from you... Gravity is pulling me on down...
I dont wanna fall away from you... Gravity is pulling me to the ground...

I wrote a poem today on my blog, but when I tried to publish, the computer did something weird and now its gone forever.

Lets have a moment of silence for the poem.

In other news, life is very rough.

Have a nice weekend.

Today was one of my long days. My first class is at 9:30 and my second doesn't start until 5. So I stay on campus alllllllll this time, doing a little of this and that. I'm hungry for some real food and it seems that I frequent vending machines way too often these days.

All in all though, life seems to be going pretty well. I'm working alot, which makes me tired alot, but it's all good. As long as work doesn't interfere with my education. This week I'm working about 35 hours. Que Locura. But it seems like I don't get too much homework, so that's good.

I need some more pens.

Tonight my spanish teacher mentioned something about reality and it got me thinking. Is reality relative? I think it is because everyone sees the world in different ways. Now, reality is supposed to be how things really are, but I think that even changes with how you view something is. Take colors for example. I can say that this color is Blue but you might just say it's Purple. In reality who is right? Am I making sense or am I losing you? Because it makes sense the way I want to say it but. . .

For example, last night me, Sonia, and Jeffrey were at Steak-n-Shake (Que Locura) eating and talking and what not. Jeffrey was telling us how families are 'supposed to be' with the mother cooking and taking care of the kids and the father being the authority figure and breadwinner. Okay, some might consider this the ideal picture of the family situation, but we all know most families are not this way. In my home, both of my parents worked and pretty much shared household tasks i.e. laundry, dishes, cooking etc. But Jeffrey says that if the husband is cooking more than, lets say, once a week then he loses some of his authority. In Jeffrey's home his father worked, his mother did the domestic thing.

Now, I say that he thinks the way he does because that is the way he grew up. But, that family structure, no matter how "ideal" it might be, simply is not going to work for everybody. I think that way because of the way I grew up. Reality is an interesting concept, think on that one. I would go deeper, but I haven't the time.

I have to write a paper for my music appreciation class. I love music. I appreciate music. This class is my most difficult. The teacher is so. . .different. He is always telling us to listen to how the music "speaks to us" and all the asthetics of it and all this and that. I can get down with that to a certain extent, but I really don't "speak music". Therefore I don't know how to express how the music makes me feel sad, hopeful, or whatever. I don't know that the song is in minor key and that's why it makes me feel sad, I just know that it makes me feel sad. It's quite a challenge. Explaining music is truly like speaking a different language. I once heard a man say that languages are not different words for the same things, they are different words for completely different things. For example, in Spanish we say me gusta but in English we say I like . The former doesn't literally mean I like, it means it is pleasing to me, but it is translated into "I like" in English. . . nevermind.

I'm using a new lotion and it makes my skin soooooo soft, I love it.

I'm really only blogging because I don't want to write this paper.

You know what? I tried so hard today to get picures up on the blog, and I got soooooooo mad because I could not figure it out for the life of me! So that is my new blog mission. This blogging has helped me teach myself so many new things, its just wonderful.

I guess I have to write my paper now. goodbye. goodnight. adios. au revoir (that was for you sir *wink*). jusqu'à la fois prochaine. . .

I wrote this in response to this article, which was in response to "What is being Ghetto?"

She said:
Being poor and having to dress like a poor person, not like a superstar rapper with bling-bling like most people seem to think. I grew up in a neighborhood that was very poor. In fact, that whole side of town was like that. And no one dressed like that. People wore what they could afford. It makes me really mad when people dress in expensive, popular clothes and claim they are ghetto. They don't know anything about what it's really like. If they did, they wouldn't want to be that way because trust me, being ghetto is NO FUN!

I said:
Okay, allow me to explain. When you speak of the term "Ghetto" you speak of many things. Today's common use of the word "ghetto", especially a person being ghetto usually means something along the lines of urban and black. Ghetto is a lifestyle for a lot of black people living in the inner city. When I was growing up in my "ghetto" neighborhood, most of us didn't have a lot of money. I went to school with Payless gym shoes, some of my friends had the latest Jordans. Does that make me more ghetto? Could they possibly be more ghetto than me if they were wearing their $70 dollar jerseys? or the girls with the Gucci and Lois Vuitton purses and big gold earrings, who was more ghetto? One theme of being 'ghetto' that one has to understand is that name brands=stautus, and in the ghetto status means alot, as it does anywhere else. So, how do you increase your status (even if you are poor)? By buying expensive clothing, that way you can show everyone "Look what I have" a prime example of this attitude can be seen in the lyrics of Big Tymer's "Still Fly":

Gator Boots, with the pimped out Gucci suit
Ain't got no job, but I stay sharp
Can't pay my rent, cause all my money's spent
but thats ok, cause im still fly
got a quarter tank gas in my new E-class
But that's alright cause i'm gon' ride
got everything in my mama's name
but im hood rich da dada dada da. . .

I had the most odd dream last night. Odd and strange and kinda twisted. I think it kinda confirmed some things I had been thinking about, but its waaay too deep.

Last night at Bible studyI think something else was confirmed to me. The Lord is going to have to give me soooooo much patience and endurance to do what i have to do. I don't wanna ask "Why Lord?" but thats the main question that comes to my mind. Why Lord? How Lord? Help me Lord. . .

Yesterday was lots of fun. One reason it was really fun was because I looked cute. Now, don't think I'm being conceited to say that, but it was nice to get compliments. Women love that. Then, I was in Hearland's first talk show. It was cool, everything went great with that. You know I love the whole public speaking thing, so I was tearin' it up! Then, what else?. . .I saw Kabah, talked with him for a while. He's looking really good these days. I talked with him and David, a guy from my Sociology of Marriage and Family class for a bit. During the convo, it seems like I knew every other person who walked by so I kept stopping the convo with "hi" and waves and nods. David was like "Man, do you know everybody???" He even stopped one guy who was walking by and said "Hey man, are you gonna talk to her too? Everybody else has. ." I told him its just my charming personality. Lol

I'm in a poetry mood right now, lets see what I can do.


Fishbowl
Standing on the inside looking out
In a place of solitude, seeing what their life is all about
Watching them move and speak and eat
Knowing from actions how they think

Nah.

Today is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the weather is nice and warm. I went to a friend's house today for lunch and woooooo maaaannn she can cook. Actually, I think her 11 year old daughter cooked most of it. I had chicken and dumplings, dressing, corn, cranberry sauce, fried chicken, cabbage and peach cobbler for dessert. Needless to say I'm suffering from The Itis right about now. I need to find a nap.

Even if I wasn't full I'd still be exhausted. Me and Sonia stayed up all night studying. We went to eat at IHOP afterwards, it was crazy. We were both so tired and making no sense. I think I was the worst though.
1-I got mad at the menu because the pictures of the food were on separate pages than the description. If the picture of the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity is on page 2, why is the description on page 1?? AAANNNNDDD, news flash, IHOP has 2 of the exact same meals with different names. No Joke.
2-I was trying to say "whip cream" but then I was thinking "cream whip" and ended up saying "weam crip". That was pretty funny.
3-I was justifying peeing on myself in 5th grade by telling Sonia that I was only 9, therefore I didn't have a 1 in front of my age. Why was I 9 in 5th grade? According to me, I was "Young for my age". Hm.
4-Some other things happened, I don't remember but it was a good time. The waitress loved us.

Now I am off to go find my nap, and I know exactly where it is. It's in a nice queen sized bed with a gold and cream colored bedset. Nice fluffy pillows, warm comforter. . . . ahhh yessss

I dont get people.

I don't get the guy who was first feeling my best friend, then was feeling me, then was feeling this other girl who he started a relationship with. They broke up once because of some he say-she say, and are now breaking up again for some strange reason. I don't get why he puts himself through this and why he feels like he has to have someone. I don't get why he's breaking up with her if he loves her so much (which he said he does). He continually says "I'm dreading breaking up with her, I love her so much, I could see her as my wife, etc." It makes no sense. I don't get it.

I don't get the girl who manipulates people's feelings. I don't get how she ebbs and flows from normalcy to almost mental instability. I don't get why she is stringing this guy along, "I love you/Let's just be friends/I love you" Can we maintain some regularity here? I don't get the guy who keeps falling back in the trap everytime she is in one of her "I love you" modes. He is so gullible and tangled in her sticky web. I don't get it.

I don't get why SEX seems to be on men's minds so often. Can we just have a decent conversation? Really now.

I don't get why my mother acts like I'm so rebellious. Have I ever come stumbling home drunk? Have I ever come waddling home pregnant? Have I ever not come home without her knowing where I am? NO. What is my rebellion? Not doing the dishes. Give me a break.

I woke up abruptly this morning at 6:52. I must leave the house at 7:00.

I got ready really fast.

I think I'm still asleep, it seems the dreams are still with me.

Now I'm off to class, perhaps to dream some more. I wonder if the guy next to me takes good notes. . .

You asked if I loved you,
And because I knew you were not asking whether or not I loved you,
but whether or not I was in love with you, I said no.

You asked again.
Because I knew I held some form of love for you,
I said yes.

So yes, I love you, and this is why I stay away.
Because I cannot give to you the love you desire,
You cannot give to me the love I need.

The love I give you, indeed is true.
Though I am not in love, but because I love you, I want to please you
I want you to be satisfied with my offering, I am willing to try and make it my best

The love you give me, I seek,
but these momentary moments will not satisfy the soul
Your love leaves me confused, wondering, wandering.

So what is this, our love?
To speak of love is to speak of many things, but of what do we speak?
Lover, what do you think?

I'm sitting at school right now, I should be working on either my spanish homework that is due in an hour, or my music appreciation paper(s) due tomorrow. I'll get around to it. This is a bit of a busy week coming up, but pleasantly busy, not mad busy.

MY FIVE: Five people I miss. . .

Julius- I haven't talked to him in a looooong time and I hope everything is well with him. I miss our discussions and thinking sessions.

Anjelica- My homegirl from back in the day. I know she's back at school now, I wonder what classes she's taking.

Angela- We didn't get to spend any time together this summer, that sucks! I wonder what's new with her.

Grandma Bonnie- She moved and hasn't sent her new number yet. I want to talk to her...

Max- It's been almost a month since we last saw each other or even spoke. I told him I was a busy person, so can he really be mad?

Yo

This is my new template

There's something about academic adivisors that I just don't like. Everytime I go and see one of them, I end up feeling all sad and depressed afterwards, and I don't know why. Just today I went to see mine, and I talked to her about my graduating next semester. She looked at my transcript and said "You think you're gonna graduate next semester?". Now what the heck is that? How is that supposed to make me feel? My driving force of this semester is to get to next semester so I can graduate, and then she says that. So I'm starting to think, oh no, don't tell me I mis-calculated, that I have more than one semster to go. . . So I said "Yeah, I only need 18 more hours." Once she looked at my transcript she said "Oh, okay." That made me upset.

Then, I was telling her about what school I wanted to transfer to (UIUC folks) and she went to the website, but couldn't find what she was looking for. . . the whole thing was making me very upset, I don't know if its just me or what. Maybe because I'm tired. . .

I guess I'm kinda in an odd mood anyway, I went to this great workshop today and the guy was talking about goal setting and motivation and what not, so I was all on a high, feeling great. But now I feel so. . .I don't really know the word for it. I feel like maybe I shouldn't have spanish as my major, even though I love the language. Sometimes I get so intimidated, especially when I see or talk to people who speak it better than me. Or like when I went on the spanish interpreting/tutoring part of the website for U of I, all of the people were hispanic (well, at least their names were). And that makes me think, how can I possibly compete in a market with so many native spanish speakers? There is no way my spanish could ever compare. Yes, I would love to be an interpreter or something like that, traveling around the world, using the beautiful spanish language, but what are the odds that someone will hire me, little Elizabeth from the South Side of Chicago, when they can hire Isabel, originally from Mexico? Is my insecurity understandable? Is it not justified?

And what is to come of all my hard work with education? I'm doing my best to get done in 4 years, no more, maintain good grades and keep up with all my other responsibilities but is it gonna be worth the struggle? I want more out of life than just a degree and decent job. . .

This is all my advisor's fault.

Kareisha85: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH GURL!!
Chiliz345: lol
Kareisha85: PLAYA PLAYA
Chiliz345: yezz yezz
Chiliz345: nah, im not a playa
Kareisha85: you just crush a lot
Chiliz345: LOL

Yes, KaReisha and Big Pun said it best. This captures the true essence of the mode I'm in now. So, to clear the record, I'm not a playa, I just crush ALOT. There ya go.

So I met this guy the other day, His name is Daniel, y el es mexicano. He doesn't speak english, so good thing I speak spanish right? Es MUY guapo. Ojos morenos, sonrisa como el sol....*sigh* And you know what he said to me? He said "me gustas". Am I smitten by this potential Latin lover? only time will tell.

But hey, I'm not a playa. I just crush alot.

Here I am, back in the swing of things. Today was the first day of classes for the fall semester. It was great seeing everybody again, some people I hadn't seen since I graduated. Like, for instace, I saw Dominique, that was cool. We talked for a bit, I showed him where his classes were. I saw a couple of Max's friends, we recognized each other and spoke for a bit too. I saw Marland (remember Debee?), who I haven't seen in forever, and just a whole bunch of people.

So, it seems like nobody thinks I can get through this semester. When everybody asks about classes and all that, and work, they look at me like I'm crazy. I'm taking 16 hours, which is a bit much, but it can be done. I'm also working 25 hours a week. That shouldn't be too bad. It won't be too easy, but not too bad ;) I saw Kabah today, and he bet me $50 that I wouldn't end the semester keeping all my classes at at C or above. He thinks I'll either drop one or (God forbid) fail one. So, come December, I expect my $50. yeeeaaahhh

My summer classes went okay, I got an A in spanish, and a C in English. Actually a C+ so I'm wondering how close I was to a B. They coulda bumped me up man!! I worked so hard in that class. . .

My spanish class starts in an hour, at 5:00, so I'm gonna do my homework from my business class and do a little work for Project Rise. This is going to be quite a semester.

Holitas Amigos
Today I turned in my English Portfolio, what a relief. Now I just hope I pass the class. . . on the last paper I got an A, which is definately rare, but my grade in the class was still an F. No justice in English 101 people, no justice. I'm not worried though.

I only have spanish class left, just the final on tuesday. The class is so cool, we're all gonna go out to Fiesta Ranchera next Saturday, it should be fun times but I think I'm the only one who isn't legal drinking age. Como se dice virgin margarita? lol

Now I'm gonna go home, change clothes, and go to work. I'm tired, I didnt really get to sleep last night :( I need to call TJ Maxx too, to see when I work next. *sigh* hay mucho que hacer. I'm also very hungry.

This weekend my mother is leaving. Well, really just Saturday. Why is it that everytime I have the opportunity to have the house to myself, I'm busy and gone the whole time? Well, hopefully I'll stay out of trouble this weekend, there's enough of it for me to get into heh heh heh.

I've been wanting to write some poetry lately, and speaking of which I saw Kabah the other day. He was looking good, he had his hair done in some twisty things, I think he's gonna grow them into locs. That'll look good on him. I'm still thinking about doing my locs, thinking thinking thinking.

I miss all of my friends. I havent hung out with Tura all summer. I thought this summer was gonna be so much fun, hanging out all the time, catching up on college times, etc. Hardly any of that. But, I'm just working hard, doing what I gotta do to get where I gotta go. Peace.

Boyfriend Update
 
woooooooooo wooooooooo wooooooooooo
Sound The Alarm!! Another one is on the way!!!!
Ok, belive it or not (i'm still in the not category) another guy is interested. Yes, that would make six.  Right now I have as many 'boyfriends' as I have jobs, thats crazy. The new one, he's a friend of a friend and I haven't even met him yet. I was talking to friendboyJ and he was telling me his "guy" wanted to "holla at me". Yeah. I find it kinda hard to believe just because. . . well, I don't really know why. So I told him he could give the guy (his name is Ibae, pronounced E-bay. and, I think he might be african yeeaahh) my number and we'll see from there.
*sigh* I would say they're coming to me like flies to poop, but I don't wanna compare myself to poop,  so I'll say like bees to a flower. Yeah thats a little better.
 
Other than that, I started my 5th job, TJ Maxx. Its cool, I like it so far but now I just have to balance my schedules out with TJ, Claires, Project Rise, and the Bookstore. I'll worry about Mary Kay later. Everybody says I'm gonna burn myself out, which may be true. See, I've just been giving my availiblity for whenever I'm not working at my other jobs which has me working some 11 hour days and such. Craziness.
 
My portfolio for English is due tomorrow, so the rest of my day (besides church tonight) will be devoted to revisions and the like. I think I'll keep the No Doz handy *wink*.
 
The praise dancers have just learned a new dance, its sooo nice. We did it for the youth explosion and it was really great, such a blessing. Other than that, teaching sunday school has been pretty good. I'm gonna be teaching the pre-teen class next week so I need to study the lesson. When do I have the time??????
 
Pray for me.

Yay!
I left la clase de espanol early today because I have an interview. Last night the lady called me from Motherhood Maternity, the store I put in an application at forever ago, and she wanted me to come in at 1:30 for an interview. Problem is, I don't get out of class until about 1, and I take the bus, there's no way I'd get there in time, and she needed to do my interview pronto, seems like she really wants to hire me. When I told Sr. Profesor that I'd need to leave class early, he gave me this look like "You already know this stuff, who cares?" then we both laughed. It's good to be in good standing with the teacher, yes, yes. So I'm praying that if it's God's will for me to get this job, that I'll get it. I'm wondering if for Fall semester I can work at MM, Peer Mentor (did i tell you about that?) and Claire's too. If I get about 10 hrs at each, that might work out, but I know that my education is much more of a priority than money right now (as much as it hurts to say that), so I gotta keep my goals in order.

Boyfriend Update:
So tonight me and AJ are going out, we're going to Ruby Tuesday's and then to watch a movie. It should be fun times, but I'm not really thinking of it as a date because he's my friend, even though he's trying to be more.

I haven't talked to Keith in a while, and I really want to. I think we need to discuss somethings. I curse the distance between us! *shakes fist*

Max and I are planning on going to the movies next weekend, that should be fun.

I talked to Brian yesterday. He's the only one besides Sonia who refers to me as "Sexy". Hm. I wanna hang out with him, he is such cool people.

I saw Jeffrey today. He was wearing this red shirt, he looks gooood in red. I miss our nightly phone chats and bonding :( That's my boy, my dawg, mi amigo, my homie. Yeah.

I don't know what I keep getting myself into. I managed to be asked out on a date. Yes, yet another guy who's into me. Come on, lets stop the madness (well, i guess its kinda fun). I was talking to dude, inviting him to church and all (u know how I do). We got on the subject of how he used to like me back in high school, which was so weird, cuz I used to like him too. Anyway, he ended up asking me on a date (ya know, dinner and a movie, how nice) even after I told him about my other guys. He didn't seem to mind. Whatever.

School is almost over, I'm so happy. But now is crunch time, I gotta get a whole bunch of stuff revised for my English portfolio, and get some studying done for Spanish. que divertido!

Its July already.

On one hand, im glad to be in school this summer. It gives me something to do during the day. It gives my mind some stimulation that I definately wouldn't be getting during the summer. And, if I do good in both of my classes, it will definately raise my GPA, which I think is my main goal. But, its also a struggle taking summer classes. Especially english. I mean, having to write an 8 page paper over a weekend is just a little stressful. Especially if you are known to procrastinate (like yours truly). So I'm doing my best. I'm gettin an A in Spanish, and well, lets say not an A in English. Its okay though, i'm not going to let it be the end of my world. Today I got a spanish test back. I got a B. I was really upset, but I really just have to let these things go, because they will drag me down otherwise.
Im running on 'E' today, just totally empty. All i've eaten so far is a honey bun and drank a Pepsi Vanilla. It was good though. I tried to put sugar and caffeine in my system to make up for the lack of sleep i've been getting all week. Last night I only got 3 hours, and thats only because I overslept for 1 hour. I need to go home and sleep, but I have this paper to write this weekend. I need to study my spanish, cuz I can't keep getting B's on tests, that is so not acceptable. I'm thinking about Jeffrey cuz apparently he's mad at me, and we need to have a talk. I haven't talked to him in a while... Also I miss Max, which is just crazy because I didn't even think that I liked him until I let him go. Funny how that works. I've been debating whether or not I should call him, just to see what's up. I dunno.

I just don't know.

Keith asked me about our relationship. What is it? Where is it going? Too much to think about, I really don't know. Julius said that a "real woman" knows what she wants, etc. A lot of people think that way, but i thought about it, and I concluded that a "real woman" has to make up her mind just like any other, and that she may even take longer in doing so because she wants to make the right decision. That makes more sense to me.

This always happens, I find myself juggling so many things at once. School and grades, friends (all home from college, i've only hung out with a few), "boy-friends" (and all that drama), which also encompasses this thing called Love, Church/God, plus my obligation to the praise dancers, work (don't even get me started on that), family, wanting to move out, thinking about my future (what the heck am I gonna do after HCC???), thinking about my present, just everything swimming in my head, swimming around me. It's only through God that I have peace. Im trying to find some balance, but is balance possible? Is life meant to be balanced?

I often find myself hungry. My mother says I don't eat enough, and I think this may be true. But sometimes I eat enough, and sometimes more than enough. But now, I'm hungry.

I didn't mean to complain so much, just kinda let my mind wander. Reguardless of all that stuff, I know that I am still SO blessed, blessed and highly favored. That's a wonderful feeling. Thank You Lord.

Me echo de menos a algo en mi vida. Ahora estoy un poco triste, y no se porque. Depresion? quisas. Tengo salud, tengo amigos, tengo mi familia. Pero, no tengo amor. No se lo que es amor. El dice "te amo" pero yo creo que no es la verdad. Yo se que no es la verdad. En la vida, en realidad, que es la verdad?.... Hoy tengo que llamar a el, y decirle algo importante. Necesito decirle que no podemos vernos mas. El no es bueno para mi vida espiritual. No quiero decirle nada, pero yo tengo que hacerlo. fisicalmente, el me siente bueno. Me gusta cuando el me abraza. El me besa, pero yo no lo beso. por que? es porque no lo amo. Es triste no?

Y los otros....que debo hacer? estoy pensando que el uno no me quiere. solamente como una amiga, pero yo quiero mas. que quiero? yo no se. y el otro, el me ama tambien, pero no se porque.

So, I think it's time for a new skin. I guess something happened with the bandwith (whatever that is) of the image I had on this skin, so its gone. So, my skin isn't the same without it. Its lost its flava.

I went out with Max again last night. Everyone was saying "Liz, don't go, Liz, don't go." Everything was fine. But really, I do need to stop being with him so much. Lets not get into that.

So I borrowed one of Max's CD's, its by Papa Wembi (I think that's the name) and its so good! I'm loving African music.

I just thought of something. My love life is like neopolitan ice cream. LOL this is so funny. There's the chocolate. I don't really like chocolate, but I eat it because its there. As a matter of fact, chocolate ice cream doesn't appeal to me at all, I don't even know who's idea it was to put chocolate in with vanilla and strawberry, but that's another subject. Now strawberry, I really like strawberry ice cream. Its so good! The flavor, so delicious, the color, everything. mmmmm. Then, we have vanilla. Vanilla is so so sweet. Really, I guess there's a little bit of that vanilla sweetness in any flavor. Vanilla is classic. So nice and yummy.

Did that make sense?

"What is it with you and love? It seems like you two are always on parallels..."

Spoken by a friend, and spoken so truly. But, it never used to be that way. Growing up, and in high school I never was in relationships. Now that I'm in college, I have more than I care to deal with at one time. What's happening? Did I ask for this? What was it that provoked this flow of guys into my life? I'm still the same person I've always been! I still do all the same things! My life still basically consists of school, church, and work. Really, I just don't get it. It really baffles me.

I really miss Julius. I wonder how he's been doing. Hm, I guess I could send him an email...duh.

This little piece of poem is inspired by Keith

Sonando Contigo
mi amor,
with the strongest wishes and most earnest hopes i long for u
but to say "te traigo con mis suenos" is not true

Deseo abrazarle y cantarle un cancion so sweet
but todos mis desos wont bring u closer to me

These days have been pretty taxing on the mind lately. So much to think on, decisions to make. What should I do? I ask myself everyday. I always know that situations will play themselves out in time, but I'm not ready to wait for time. I need something now.

I got my grades yesterday. Not too bad, but not too great. I got one A, three B's, one C. All of those B's could've been A's if I had put forth just a little more effort. But hey, it was better than last semester. My GPA isn't where I want it to be, but that's a work in progress.

This break I didn't get to spend any time with friendboyJ. Well, that is, except for him coming to church. That's sad, I really kinda miss him.

I have to go to work today at Claire's. I also need to go to the school to drop off some papers and to make an appointment for my interview. They want me to be a peer mentor, how cool is that? They're calling me for an interview and I haven't even put in my application yet, I'm thinking the job is already mine. God is good. So if I keep Claire's (for whatever crazy reason) then I will work there, and the bookstore (which is only sometimes), and Peer Mentoring, and Mary Kay, and I'm also trying to get a job at the MARC center. Sounds like a lot huh? Naaaah

Well, that's all for now, just trying to waste some time hoping Julius comes online. *please get online*
PEACE

It has been a long time...
Yes, its been a while since I've blogged, and sooo much has happened. Its just funny that once I sit down, all of these wonderful "current events" escape my mind. So, everyone is home from college, which kinda means that this blog won't get much of an audience for this summer since everyone doesn't have a computer at home. Which is fine, I'll get to talk to you and spend time with you all anyway. My break from school is almost over though, and that's good in a way. I have been extremely bored this week and a half. Extremely. So school will give me something to look forward to, something to break up the monotony of the day. I think it wouldn't have been so bad if Sonia and Tura hadn't been gone :( but, I'm a survivor. And I want to give much thanks to everyone who has tried to help and fill the void these weeks. *applause*

What is it about Africa?
I must say, The Motherland has been good to me over the past few months.
It all started with Julius. He's from Cameroon. Sonia introduced me to him (yea, that's her man) and we talk online. Now that Sonia is gone, its our duty to keep each other company. Me and Julius think alike, and it seems we have a lot in common. As Sonia would say "No wonder I love Julius so much, he is a male version of you!"
Then after Julius came Jeffrey, who is from Nigeria. I would see him in the hallways at school all the time, and (much to his surprise) I knew he was African just by looking at him. We started talking, and now we're good friends. We talk almost everyday, and its always good to get his view on things.
The newest African is Maximes. He's from Zaire (which is now the democratic republic of Congo or something)My mother knew him from work, and they would exchange some music, she loves African music. One day I came home and he was sittin at the table with my mom, chillin, listening to some musica. He left quickly after I came and my mother wasn't sure why, and I'm still not quite sure why. Anyway, she was telling me that she thinks he likes me. Yesterday he came over again. He asked me to the movies, so we're going the weekend after next. Homeboy has a really nice car too, bumpin sound system. He asked me to go over to family video with him too, and he insisted on renting me some videos. INSISTED! That was nice of him, and something I'm not used to. People don't usually insist on spending money on me. He rented me all 3 of The Matrix movies, and said it was his pleasure. nice guy.

So that's Africa, producing some wonderful people and making my life interesting.

These guys need to quit nowadays. I just saw this video on TV, this guy is at the club kissing up on this girl, who apparently is not his girl. A friend of his girlfriend calls her up and is like "hey, your man is at the club with so and so", and then emailed her some pics she took with her cell phone. (don't you love modern technology?) Of course, friendgirl was mad. Now, this man gonna come and say "I'm a man, I make mistakes." Talkin about "Don't leave me, I'll never find anybody like you, bla bla bla"

1-You're a man, yes. You will make mistakes, yes. But you go to the club without your girl for what reason? That's getting you off on the wrong foot in the first place because you know there will be some fine women there. Then, knowing your woman is at home, what gives you the nerve to be kissin up another woman? Someone you don't even know.

2-"I'll never find anybody like you" If you knew that in the first place your lips shouldn't be on anyone else because you know you already have a good thing. You shouldn't even be at the club without her, because that is your lady, that is your special one, your girl. Why you tryin to do dirt? And you want to not be left? No, what you need is to be kicked to the curb.

*off my soapbox*

As long as there are crackheads, comedians will make fun of them.

SHOUT OUTS TO MY FELLAS
Julius-Its you and me against this loneliness Ju. We gotta fight it together, hold each other up. I missed you today! where were you?
O to tha B-Friendboy, I'm so glad you came to church. So tell me, what's good with this weekend? You gonna have time for a sista?
Vinnie-Love you like a cousin, boy. It was good seeing you, you know that's where you need to be more often. Come back to where you belong. You quit your job, so I don't wanna hear the excuse that you're working.
Tony-I hear you're doing okay but I'd sure like to know for myself. Llamame ok?
Zi-Be patient and let the situation work itself out, because it will. But, be prepared to let go if you have to, sometimes love means letting go.

Love you!

Finals Week
I have finals this week Tuesday through Thursday, and then that's it. I'm feeling the relief coming on already.. ahhhhhhhh.

So the weekend was aight. I worked Friday and Saturday at The Icing, which was definately a change of pace. Claire's is soooo busy, too busy. Kids running all over the place, long line for piercing, 2 lines at the register. Icing--nah. It was so dead! I spent the whole time both days pretty much walking around the store, trying to look busy and watching the videos they had up on the monitors. So boring.

Oh yea,I forgot to tell you about my grandmother. Check this out. I don't know any of the family on my father's side, the only one I had actually heard of was my grandmother, Bonnie. At Chrismas when I was sending out the cards, I came across her address, so something told me to send her a card. No, I've never met the lady,never talked to her, but I figure it might be nice to get to know her right? She wrote me a letter back about a month later, I never responded. Then, about a week ago, she called me! But, I wasn't home. I tried calling her, she wasn't home. Finally, a couple of days ago I got to talk to her, it was so cool! We chatted for a bit, and it was strange to me how she acted like we had always known each other, like we had just talked yesterday. She was telling me about my cousin Vanessa, who apparently looks just like me!(based on my senior picture) That's so amazing to me, because all of my life, I've never looked like anyone in my family. I can't wait to talk to Vanessa, I have her number and am just waiting to call. It's like "wow" I've found a new part of me, a new family. So exciting!!

YES!! THANK YOU GOD!!

I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW, I COULD KISS YOU! yes YOU! *muah*

I went to math class today, I was late so I didn't get my test back until after class. What??? I got a B? noooo. I was looking at the test, turns out I was doing the problems the right way, but with the wrong information, so she gave me some of the points back and I got an A on the test Yeeea Boyeee!

THEN, I went to the dreaded biology class. Now, the final in Bio is optional. It can replace your lowest test score, but if your grade is at a solid level, there is no use in taking it. The instructor was calling us up one by one, to give us our last test and show us our grade so we would know whether or not we had to take the final. I was bracing myself. First she gave me back my test. I looked at her and said "It wasn't pretty was it?" she said "Not one of the best..." I got a 67% on the test. Almost a C. She went to my grade and said
"But your grade is a 71% C, so you don't have to take the final."
"*GASP* WHAT? YES!! oh my God, I wanted a C so bad. Wooh, thank you Lord!"

Yes, ok she looked at me like I was crazy but did I care?? NO! Was I upset that I barely got a C? NO! Today was one of the few times in my life where I had tears of joy. I'm telling you, if I hadn't got a C in that class, there was no way I could've done well enough on the final to raise my grade to a C, so I would've failed the class, which would've brought my GPA down (cuz I don't think I would've taken it over), which could put my scholarship in jeapordy (slippery slope ya'll). So I give God all the praise and the honor cuz he is SO SO SO SO SO GOOD to me!!