Monday Haiku

There is so much work

If I don't make some progress

Failure awaits me

-Lyric

Once again, I have procrastinated myself into a ditch. Now I must struggle to dig my way out of it, and time is running short. What is it about school and me that produces such an adversion to work? Is this every college student's cry?

Speaking of college students, I have decided that there are only four major components to a college student's wardrobe.
Tops:
1. T-shirts
2. Sweatshirts (mainly hoodies)
Bottoms:
1. Jeans
2. Sweatpants (this category includes all pants that are made of cotton, or a cotton/polyester blend and stretch, usually with some form of elastic waistband. This is inclusive of Sweatpants, Yoga pants, and pajama pants.)
That, Ladies and Gentlemen is about it. Of course there are some minor deviations from this i.e. tank tops, mini-skirts, and shorts.

Back to work, maybe making a list of mi tarea will help me see it more concretely than just talking about it.
2 Papers for English
2 Papers for Communications
1 Project (almost done) for Communications
1 Project for Statistics
1 Test for statistics
2 Papers for Music Appreciation
1 Assignment for Photography
1 Project for Photography

The only way I can conceivably diminish this pile of work is to make goals, and take it one bite at a time.

Let's get crunchin'!

By the way, Lyric is my decided coffe-shop name (Big Ups to HumanityCritic).

Please come find me
look for me
search for me
and tell me where I am

How far have I gone now?
Am I close to the end?
Am I losing the game or
Do you think I might win?
Can you please come find me
And tell me where I am
Then point me to that red X
Marking the spot where
I begin my success
Open that treasure chest
To find that I can really be my best
And transgress
The expectations of those who keep me lost

Look for me
Search for me
I was last found under the Knowledge Tree
Learning about the world, the ills of society
Questioning God, questioning me
Struggling to gain sight of my destiny
Looking so hard, but failing to see
I know over there is where I came from
And I haven't forgotten
That I've only come this far thanks to those breaking their backs to pick cotton
Should I
Backtrack my steps and try this journey again?
Hell no! To go back to the beginning is to reach my end
I've come too far to go through all of this again
It's taken blood, sweat, time and tears
Facing adverstity and facing fears
Listening to my peers with fingers in both ears
Learning from experiences, mistakes and sins
Still running, looking behind me while so much of life dissapears
I've come too far to go through all of this again.

You can stop looking for me
Don't waste the time
Because this life is not yours, this life is mine
Then I can proudly stand up and say
That I found my way
To that red X
Marking the spot where I began my success
I opened that treasure chest
And found that I really could be my best
And as for life, I'm ready for the rest.

I'm Feeling So

smothered
suffocated
immobile
powerless
bound

I've had some time to think.

Okay.
It has been about 4 hours since I found out that Max got married.
At first, I was *_* mad stunned. Literally as if I'd been hit with a stun gun, frozen with the incapability to produce thoughts of feeling.
Now I can think a little more and I need to express these feelings.

I feel a little sad, not only because he is with somebody else, but he is with somebody else PERMANENTLY. Marriage is such a big step! And WHY didn't he tell me he was engaged BEFORE we 'engaged' ourselves in our own thing? Isn't that weird? I mean, technically he had someone else, although they kinda weren't together. So did he cheat on her or not? Am I just sloppy seconds? Anyway, back to the sadness, him being married means that I can never (rightfully) hold him in my arms again, be held in his arms again, kiss his full, delicious lips again. . . NEVER. I am determined not to help this man be an adulterer, cuz please believe it can happen. I would hate for my man to cheat on me, whether I knew it or not, whether I was in the same country or not. I don't want to do that to another woman.

I feel unconcluded, because there were and are SOOO many things I never told him about how I felt about him. Now, none of those feelings matter, because he is a married man.

I feel like telling myself (for the second time this week) "It's not fair!!!!" But you know what, it's not about me. It's not right for me to be selfish, but I am a part of this situation and therefore do have resulting emotions.

I feel a little jealous. Not sure of whom though.

Mostly, I still feel shocked. To me, marriage is such a big deal. I'm a little bit in denial and fully aware of it. is that strange?

This is all so new.

He's the Numba #1 Stunna. . . . .wha. . .wha. .wha. .what. .WHAT????????

Making small talk.
How is my mother doing? Fine, working a lot.
My sister, oh, she's having some trouble in school.
How is work? Oh, you get 2 days off a week now? That's good.
*awkward silence*

How is your um. . .fiancee. . .girl. . .person?
Oh. *sheepish grin* *pause* My Wife.
Your. . .Wife? *not comprehending the english language*
Yes, I got married.
WOW!!! YOU GOT MARRIED?? Well congratulations!. . .(followed by a host of questions, are you going to bring her here, etc)

"We wear the mask that grins and lies"
It was a Halloween Mardi Gras Masquerade up in that mug.

He's a MARRIED man now. Imagine that.

I am not upset, I knew he would not, could not, should not always be mine.

I am however stunned to the point of no return.

This is all so new and weird.

I'm not sure if I believe it. I'm not sure if I want to believe it. This is all so new and weird.

He's married.

I wish I wasn't fat

Right now, If I wasn't fat (and If the sky wasn't turning dark with clouds forewarning the thunderstorm, and if I didn't have a class to go to, and if I had some better gym shoes on) I would go running. I feel like running right now, running so fast, running for my life.

Not on a track though. Running on a track is running in circles and I'm not quite in a running in circles mood.

I would like to run either on a trail, like a beaten path type of trail, or just in some natural place. I wanna run so fast that I feel the still air turning into wind on my face, and it cools my whole being. I wanna run so hard that every muscle in my body is exerted to its fullest capacity, not even minding if I sweat (but I won't sweat cuz I'll be cooled by the air). I wanna run with such a rush of adrenaline that although my body is working to the maximum, arms and legs pumping like crazy, I'm not feeling the least bit winded. I wanna feel like my feet are barely touching the ground. I just wanna run.

But I'm a lil too fat for all that, so I'ma just sit here at this computer screen, mabye eat a pack of donuts lol.

I also feel like writing. I wanna write words so powerful that they draw the reader in with each and every single sentence, every single word, every single letter. I wanna write the words that move the masses, that motivate the citizens of the world to action to better their lives and the condition of life as a whole. I wanna write the words that prick and provoke those feelings of the heart, just as a pin pricking a finger. I wish I could write where my audience would feel and identify with every anguish, struggle, heartache, joy, pride and satisfaction. I want to write with such humor that brings alligator tears of deep laughter to one's eyes, causing that laughter that comes from the pit of the stomach and is felt throughout the whole body; foot-stomping, stomach cramping, hand-clapping, eye-watering, barely able to breathe laugh. The power of words and communication is amazing.

I want to be beautiful. Not pretty, not foine , definately not cute. I want to posess that inherent beauty that captivates, even merely from my posture and the way I carry myself. That beauty that lets everyone around me know that I am a queen, noble and virtuous, yet maintaining a deep sense of humility and compassion. Non-intimidating beauty that draws people in like a magnet, causing me to be that person that people just want to know. "What is it about her??" type beauty. The beauty that mesmerizes when I walk into a room, beauty that makes my conversation both intellectual and well-thought, yet down to earth. Beauty like the sunset that ends the perfect day, only to lead to that sunrise of the next.

I think I have a long way to go, I mean, even the most precious of the elements (i.e. diamonds, silver, and gold) must be refined. But even before their refining, their most stunning qualities are already present.

A Stumble in My Walk

You
have become like the rock in my shoe
I never invited your presence
You just invaded my space
and created a stumble and a limp
in a walk that should've been full of grace.

But you,
unlike the rock in my shoe
are unmovable.
I cannot simply put a halt to my struggled stride and
remove that shoe
and shake out that rock-you
and continue my life's journey happily
because you
are a part of me.

Life Has A Strange Way

A strange way of what? Just a strange way. It's so complex (do we make it that way or is it just that way?)

I'm tired. I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired of school, I'm tired of my jobs, I'm tired of being broke, I'm tired of being bored (bored meaning nothing exciting going on, not nothing going on), I'm tired of this rock in my shoe.

In other news, my father is supposedly coming to town this weekend. I will believe that when I see it, but I am much more anticipating my letter from Knox which should be here this week. I thought about calling them, but I'm scared to. I'll just wait. Anyway, back to my father. I kinda feel sorry for him. I was thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure that he doesn't know how to be a father. His father was never around when he was growing up, so maybe he just doesn't know what to do. I think people often think that parenting should come naturally, but if you look at half the parents out here, we can see that theory disprove itself. So, I think it's pretty sad that he doesn't know how to be a father. That is helping me to have a little mercy on him. Thinking about him coming to town, I have this image in my head of me taking him out to dinner (yes, refusing to let him pay) and telling him so much that's on my mind. He wouldn't be able to go anywhere, and I wouldn't let him change the subject like he does on the phone. He would be at my mercy MUAHAAAHAHAHAA!!!!

I would tell him all the things he doesen't wanna hear, starting with how upset I am with him because of him not being able to be a productive member of society, if you know what I mean. (note-making liscence plates does not count as being productive). Then I will move on to how his absense has affected me, both negatively and positively. That will be a great lead-in to the Max issue, which will be the main kicker.

Now this, I have a script for.

Oh My Goodness Lawd

You have GOT to read Humanity Critic's latest entry. Classique.

I'm Scurrrreeed!

Last night I was in one of my creative moods. It was about 11pm or so and I started making some jewelry. I came across these charms I'd bought a while ago, and they all say the same thing: Follow Your Heart.

I sat there for a while thinking about those words, and what they mean to me. I thought about what my life would be like if I "followed my heart" all the time, and I think it might actually be more fulfilling. That fulfillment, however, would come at it's price because following my heart would surely land me on my butt lots of times. I never did like falling. . . That's why I can't ride a bike now.

When it comes down to it, I'm scared to follow my heart. I feel much safer following my mind, which more often than not doubts my heart. When you follow your heart, you do that thing that you want to do without rationalizing or weighing the pros and cons (which I do way too much of). Following my heart would have me picking up that phone and dialing those 7 digits that just may lead to a little piece of happiness in my life. Following my heart could also lead to my embarrasment and woe.

That's it. Following one' s heart is a black and white thing. Rationality leads this great grey area of uncertainty, but following the heart either produces good results or bad. Either you will be lifted up, or you will fall on your face.

Follow your heart.

Why follow your heart? Who says the heart is always right? Couldn't following your heart get you into a load of trouble?? Who or what gives the hear authority to lead which way to go?

But maybe I could try it. Just for one day, follow my heart, or maybe for a week. It could be an experiment! You should try it to, and we can log our experiences. It could be called the "Follow your heart project".

Who's in?

I Remember When

I remember when you told me that you were fond of me. I looked you in your eyes and told you that I already knew. When you gave me that classic "whatchu talkin' bout Willis??" look, I managed to surpress my laugh. You asked me how I knew. I just know these things, like so many other things I "just know" and like so many things you "just know" about me. I looked you in the eye and smiled because you looked so cute and baffled then.

I remember then.

Blog Hopping has its Benefits

So I was blog hopping today, and I didn't get very far when I found the most hilarious thing. It's a "translator" of sorts. It translates your text into Jive, Valley Girl, Pig Latin or "Swedish Chef". I had some fun with my writing and the translations.

I know de day gots'ta come
Dat ah' gots'ta see him wid anoda' one
And ah' gots'ta wonda' if she be likes me.

What it is, Mama! Will dey do de wahtahmelluns dat we dun did?
Will dey kiss de way dat we kissed?
What dun did ah' do wrong t'lose him?

Maybe she gots'ta be mo'e decisive dan I
Maybe she gots'ta easily part ha' dighs
Allow him t'love ha' wid no hesitashun

I hope dat she gots'ta be
All he wants's and needs
But dat he gots'ta still consida' me special.
(my favorite is the "what it is mama?")

(T, think of that French accent with this one lol)
Efee zee sters vere-a sheening
egeeenst thet bleck felfet ooff zee sky
joost es hees lufely iyes elsu shune-a veet oonly her refflecshun in zeem
tu let her knoo
thet she-a ves reelly zeere-
a letteeng her meend dreefft beck tu thet neeght
vey tuu cluse-a tu Peredeese-a

Ohh, fun fun fun.

There is another poem idea I've been having in my head lately. If I don't write it down, I might forget it, but if I do then I might not get in the mood to write the poem. hmmmm. Let me just say that it's about how my name is long and usually doesn't fit on the line. lol suspense? I hope so. . .

Today I'm in a quite melancholy mood. It all started in photo class where i firstly got a bad grade on an assignment (40/50) then also a bad grade on the quiz (14/20). To top it off, I had left my other roll of film I needed to develop at home and the one I did develop had very few good shots and my negatives got messed up anyway.

Then. . .
My interpersonal communications class kept talking about me. The teacher was making us talk about feelings in different scenarios. Scenario one: You see your ex with another 'lover', how do you feel?

Awwww Daaaannngg!! I was just having a conversation about this with somebody. Is this a forewarning to prepare myself for the heartbreak? I know that one of these days, maybe soon, I'm gonna see him with someone else, and I seriously don't know how I'm supposed to handle that. It's odd, because I never considered myself as loving him, so why am I feeling so much for him now? Why do I miss him? Why am i concerned about his well-being? Why do I not want to see him with another woman?

I know the day will come
That I will see him with another one
And I will wonder if she is like me.

Will they do the things that we did?
Will they kiss the way that we kissed?
What did I do wrong to lose him?

Maybe she will be more decisive than I
Maybe she will easily part her thighs
Allow him to love her with no hesitation

I hope that she will be
All he wants and needs
But that he will still consider me special.

A Poem for Tura

she is captivated
with everything her mind associated
with him
so frustrated
by not knowing which way to go and what to do with
the thoughts and feelings for him
letting her mind drift back to that night
way too close to Paradise
she and her Prince oh so charming
kissing under the moonlight
Even the stars were shining
against that black velvet of the sky
just as his lovely eyes also shone
with only her reflection in them to let her know
that she was really there
letting her mind drift back to that night
way too close to Paradise
struggling to fight
that feeling that she felt when he kissed her oh so right
"Come to Paradise with me" said he
but she just couldn't fathom and believe
that this could really be
That her Prince, oh so charming
on this perfect night so close to Paradise
was offering the first kiss of her life
and taking her breath away
she couldn't fathom and believe that it could be.
And though it was, she didn't want to see.
So she never went to Paradise,
decided to stay on the safe side of life
and not walk on that ledge leading to a place a little too perfect
and now,
she is captivated
with everything her mind associated
with him
so frustrated
by not knowing which way to go and what to do with
the thoughts and feelings for him
letting her mind drift back to that night
way too close to Paradise

Open This Mic

Last night Sonia and I went to an open mic event at ISU. It was quite interesting. I can't really say that I liked it all that much, because it was quite unorganized and a lot of the time seemed like they didn't know what the heck to do, so people were just chillin on the stage, making jokes and unusual comments. However, a couple of good things did come from it.

(this song is a bit paraphrased)
1: "When I first saw you, you was looking too cute and I turned to my boy and said. then he said, 'naw dawg, I heard she got the sauce and something, something something."
anyway the chorus was something like
"I only like mild sauce on my fries, you got that venom in your thighs"
The song was so funny, and reminded me of at least one person I know. They had lyrics in there talkin bout "I saw you coming out the clinic with a bag of perscriptions" and "You need to cool your loving down." There are definately people who needed to hear that song.

2. This one was a blessing in disguise. One guy got on stage, I don't know if he was supposed to be a comedy act or what, but I didn't laugh one time, and NOBODY clapped when he got off stage. All he did was show his ignorance. He began to talk about the issue with Matt Hale and how the judge's family died, and how he didn't care. He even said he wished that more of them (meaning non-blacks) would die. He ignorantly ranted about how no autopsies and investigations were done when Martin Luther King Jr. died (which is not true) and how those who died in this incident got what they deserved.

I was ticked OFF. So, I went home and wrote a poem :D

Rebuttal to a Fool's Words

"I wish more of them would die"
the first of fool's words
to cause me to turn my head and ask "why?"

The words, too soon spoken
and not well chosen
to bring harm to another's life
just because it's not a brother's life?

And the brother's life and death you do defend
your rationale I cannot comprehend
because Martin Luther King's will was not that to kill
but to step back and be real
And see each other's colors
let go of what history did to our brothers
let go of massa raping our grandmothers
let go of hostilities held toward one another for things gone by
Let go of that rope and fly, brotha, fly!
fly into that dream of Martin Luther King's
fly into that day when race would not be all things
because we all come from lines of kings and queens
Adam and Eve grandfather and mother of ALL human beings
don't revert to old ways of thinking
For we have come this far by faith
yes, the mountaintop is surely in our view,
but how, brother how, will we reach it
when more than a few think like you?
We must let go to fly
and to fly, yes we must try
and we'll try and we'll try
and we just might get it right
Then we
can live that dream of Martin Luther King's
free at last of color-bound hostilities
And brotha, it starts right here with you and me.

BOO YOW!

Have you seen him?

It's been ten months
Didn't wanna give him the time of day
Then he made his way into my world
And changed it-in a special way

Now, here I am changed
A new creature indeed
Enlightened to the ways of the world
But he is nowhere to be seen

Now I see all of his friends
They seem to know my face
We laugh, and make conversation
But it still doesnt ease my pain

I know I can't erase the memories
Though I do admit I've tried
I think things can work themselves out
But is my thought a lie?

Oh, I see his car everywhere I go
On the street, and even at the picture show
Have you seen him?
Tell me have you seen him?

Oh, I see his face when I close my eyes
In the day, and even in the night
Have you seen him?
Tell me have you seen him?

WHYYY OHH WHYYY
Did he make me make such a mistake??
Ohhh ohh ohh, I'm confused
And I don't know what to do
And I'm lost, baby I'm lost

Oh, tell me will I see his face again?
Cuz right now, I just wanna be his friend.
Have you seen him?
Tell me have you seen him?

Have you seen him? (you better tell me if you see him)
Tell me have you seen him? (and tell him I'm thinkin' bout him too)
Have you seen him? (. . I just wanna see him)
Tell me have you seen him?

I just lost a whole LONG post. You know I'm mad.

I'm not sure how you did this, but I'm kinda mad and glad that you did. I think about you often, I'm not afraid to admit, and my heart beats sorely when I do. Who ever knew? Who ever knew that you would come into my life and turn it upside down before I even realized what was going on? Who ever knew that I would fall asleep and wake up so many times with you on my mind. Just thinking of how you're doing, wondering if all is well, wondering if you might be thinking about me too. Its kinda funny when I think back on the earlier days, I didnt wanna give you the time of day. Now you take way more than your share of my thoughts, but that's alright with me. When will I see you again? Will we get to talk again? How are you anyway? Do you miss me? I miss you.

Who woulda thunk it?
My mother and I were having a conversation last night, about nothing in general, then she dropped the bomb on me.

Do you know where your uncle works?
Um, wasn't he working doing construction or something?
Not anymore lol.
What, is he a stripper now or something?
No, but you're close.
By this time I'm getting a little worried. Uncle man is my FAVORITE uncle, we go wayy back.
What does he do???
He works in a factory. A porn factory.
WHAT?
My uncle works in a porn factory? What kinda stuff is that?? I didn't even know they HAD porn factories. I guess my mother found out when they were talking one day and he was mentioning that they'd have to do inventory. She asked how often inventory is done, and he said whenever the bosses think someone took something or stole some toys. My mother was like "Toys?? Where do you work?" And that's when the truth was revealed. Man, my family is weird.
My mother also told me about Uncle Man's crazy girlfriend coming to my grandmother's (his mother) house at 1 or 2 a.m.
Miss Wynn, Miss Wynn! Kenneth said he's gonna kill himself!!
So? If he's gonna kill himself he's gonna kill himself. What am I gonna do?!
But miss Wynn. . .
Don't ever wake me up again for no mess like that!

This woman did not even care. Turns out my uncle just wanted the woman to leave, but she wouldn't so he said something about turning on the gas or something. . .
Just crazy.

Lyrics of Life

Sometimes a song is so good just because you can really relate to it, or you know someone that it describes.

This one reminds me of T-Bizzy
She has no idea what she's doing in college
That major that she majored in don't make no money
But she won't drop out, her parents will look at her funny
Now, tell me that ain't insecure
The concept of school seems so secure
Sophmore three years aint picked a carreer. . .
(Kanye West)

These remind me of me
But as a shorty i looked up to the dopeman
Only adult man i knew that wasnt a broke man. . .
(Kanye West)

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me. . .
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

Thinking the faster that I go
The faster that I will reach my goal
The race is not given to the swift
But to the one who endureth. . .
Slow it down baby
you're goin' too fast
(India.arie)

This one reminds me of S-money
I've run out of answers
I've run out of time
And im so confused that im loosin my mind
Its gonna take a miracle to help me this time
I'm traveling a road that has not one sign. . .
Oooh sometimes its hard to face the truth so we run. . .
I need an angel
Im calling an angel,
send me an angel (Send it on down)
(Ruben Studdard)

Questions
. . .Can I pinch your cheeks? -Dante
Now what kinda question is that? Do you seriously think thats an ok question to ask? Who asks that?
First of all NO.
NO because I'm not 5 years old
NO because I don't know where your hands have been.
Second of all, thanks for asking first, but. . .NO.

What is wrong with my head?
I've been having this headache for THREE WEEKS NOW!!!! It won't go away :-( I'm tired of it. And it's not like a regular headache. It's like a forehead ache. It feels like I've been holding my head in one scrunched up position and its tensing and cramping up. Maybe I get cramps in my head instead of my stomach? I don't know, but it's not cool and it's not going away, and its making me miserable.

What is really wrong with my head?
I'm not superwoman. I don't think I can actually take 18 hours AND work 3 jobs AND do church activities AND stay sane. Maybe I'll end up in the nuthouse, or maybe just on drugs. But, before it gets to that, something's gonna have to give. I don't want it to be my sanity.

Where is it?
I lost my strawberry ChapStick and I'm too mad. I'm really hoping I don't find it in. .oh say, the WASHER or God forbid, the DRYER. That would not be good. I love that stuff. I love to keep it in my pants pocket so that when I put it on its warm from my body heat and it glides on nice and smooth. And the fragrance is so nice. . . where is it?
I also lost 2 of my favorite pairs of underwear. How does one loose underwear? Beats me, but I want them back.
Who knows where my class ring is. I gave up on that one.
And what about all my freakin socks? Now, I've always been so very particular about my socks, but lately I've really let myself go. I've started wearing 2 totally different socks, as long as they're the same color. Who cares if one's an ankle sock that keeps falling in my gym shoe and the other is a knee high stocking? I just don't anymore. I'm not even ashamed to admit that I've been grossly going sock-less a few times, and even worse, last week I wore the same pair of socks for like, 3 days. In a row. Feel free to get me some socks.
And I know I had some more belts.
And I coulda SWORE I had more church clothes. Something is up. . .
********I might as well go au naturel as far as clothing goes. Wait, no. Bad idea.
Where is my cousin Jerome???
Where is my acceptance letter from Knox?. . . .
Where the heck is my PIN from FAFSA? come on people, march 1 is coming up soon!

Thank you for being so attentive to my issues.
I love you! *HUG*

*pulls self together*

I tried to pop some popcorn after my music appreciation class today. I took the stuff out after only 2.5 minutes, and somehow it was miraculously burned. Now I REEK of burnt popcorn, and i'm so embarrased. I need to go stand outside.

Other people's blogs just aren't as good as your own. This is the conclusion I have come to. Maybe it's because I'm a person who can be highly critical, maybe I'm just right, but I'm truly convinced that other people's blogs aren't as good as your own.

Your blog is personal. You know what you meant to say when you said what you said but didn't really say what you meant to say *breath*. You know how you really felt when you blogged about whatever situation, and your readers only know how you told them you felt.

Your blog is your story. When you read it, you remember those good times/bad times and it takes you back. Memories are always a good thing, and your blog holds your memories.

Your blog is read by your friends. You can have personal jokes to no end that noone else will understand but you and that blog-reading friend you share that joke with. There's nothing like that. Outsiders can read it, and it won't make sense, and your blog may even be labeled by them as 'crap' (as I have labeled some blogs), but if it's crap, it's your crap, and nobody's crap is like your own.

That said, I love my blog.

So, for those of you who care (which includes those blog-reading friends), Max and I finally had a talk and (tried to) put everything out on the table about our 'situation'. I don't know if we accomplished much, but I sure do feel a LOT better. Now I can breathe. (okay, yea I was breathing before but you know what I mean)

Photography class is going pretty well, do you want me to take your picture? Cuz I would love to! Just don't get too 'posey' on me (and you know who I'm talking to). I want something natural. I want something genuine, not a senior picture. sheesh

Congrats to:

Tura, for moving out. Need anything? just ask me! And know that I am proud of you.
Randy, for getting a blog. Welcome to our blogging community, I hope you enjoy the experience.

Tis all people. Till next week?

T-bizzy, S-money, and I took a picture with a VAGINA!!!! hah. 

Because You Don't Understand

I wish
that i could open this box
and you could peer in
and every pain i feel as a result of you
would swarm your head
and get in your eyes and ears
and blind you
and attack you
and make you feel
like i do.
I wish
that you were on this side of the fence
and you could see how crazy you look
and hear how irrational you sound
and feel what about it makes me cry
and that it was you who
could not explain it either.
I wish that you understood.
I wish
that i could give you a magnifying glass
the size of the earth
so you could see the scope of this problem in my life
then maybe you,
with all the answers
and all the justifications
could tell me what to say
could tell me what i should've done
could tell me how to explain it to you
I wish
that i could cuss you out
and feel better
I wish
that your eyes could be opened
to this, the sun of my problems
and I wish
that I could steal your precious sunglasses
and I wish that you were exposed,
bound and naked to that sun
and that you would feel the heat
and that your eyes would squint
and that your skin would begin to scorch
and your poor eyes would burn, and sting
and tear.
but wishes get me nowhere.

Oooooh, guuurl, your friend is so cute!

If I hear that one mo' time. . .
See, that's exactly why you don't introduce some friends to other friends. The first friend, Kabah. The other friends, every female friend I have. Now, what in your right mind makes you think I want you talking to me about how cute my friend is? Don't you think I know he's cute? Don't you think I think he's cute? That's why he is MY friend, not yours! No, I'm not gonna give you his number, and NO I don't want you callin him to see if ya'll can hang out sometime. I don't even wanna hang out with you and him, all 3 of us. Leave him alone. Don't be askin if he' s over 18 so you know he's legal. And no, he's not your type. He likes females with a full set of healthy teeth. And you only like guys that you can look up under the Illinois Department of Corrections, and my dear he does not have a record. He is kind and deep and writes excellent poetry. He enjoys someone he can have a nice intellectual conversation with. You are not his type.

That's all I have to say about that.

Promised Land Tea

I likes my tea with milk and honey
now, come here baby, wontchu fix some for me?
cuz I'm tired, all day I been standin' on my feet
put that milk in my tea to soothe me to sleep.

6 o'clock in the morning
come on baby, fix me some tea
I got a long day's work ahead, and a short night's sleep
put some honey in there to make my day sweet.

Yes, I like my tea with milk and honey
how many times you gon' ask me??
Fix it up right, now. Don't mess up my tea
Lets both sit down and have a cup, and you can tell me your stories

I'll nod my head and smile, but chile' I won't be listening
I'll be too caught up in the taste and smell of my honey milk tea
See, it reminds me of the promised land-you know, land of milk and honey?
And the little piece of peace this tea brings makes it just right for me.

I must be (going) crazy

Thursdays are very long days for me here at school. I'm here from 9:30 a.m. till 9 p.m. Not cool at all. Besides that, I have my guitar class on Thursdays, so that means I have to bring my guitar and carry it around all day with me. So today, I woke up on time, but who knows what happened to make me rush out of the house, but I almost missed my bus. I was figuring I wanted to look cute today (WHYYY????) so I decided to wear my boots with the nice 3 inch heel. That was fine until I left the house.

I found myself juggling the guitar on my back, backpack full and heavy with camera and props half swinging off of one shoulder, lugging my purse, eating an egg sandwich and running for the bus in the still half-way icy street in heels.

I must be (going) crazy.

My friend let me borrow her camera for my photography class. When she gave it to me, I made sure to have her tell me where this feature and that feature was. Then, when I got home, I was about to turn it on and see how it worked. Until I realized that I didn't know how to turn it on. I sat with that camera for at least half an hour trying to figure out how to turn the dang thing on, I think I almost broke it too, but to no avail. Then I'm thinking, maybe it doesn't turn on?

I get to class, teacher shows me how to properly load the film. She tries to turn it on. She can't figure it out either. "Maybe the battery's dead" she says, but even if so, wouldn't there still be a way to turn t on? So, she tells me to watch what the boy next to me does, as if watching him take pictures of his props is going to help me learn something. I have lugged my props to school for NOTHING. Then, toward the end of our "photo shoot" session, she takes another look at the camera. "Oh, here it is! This is how you turn it on. . ."

Are you kidding me? I just sat here for HALF AN HOUR watching this boy take pictures, sitting in my seat like Boo Boo the Fool with nothing to do, and the whole time I coulda been taking pictures? Tell me this isn't real.

I must be (going) crazy.

My statistics teacher is not right. The man comes to class the first day, I'm noticing his pants are a little short. Like, the hem is at least an inch above his ankles. No. Then I'm thinking, well, he is a little tall. . . you know, trying to justify it. Then I notice his pants are pulled halfway up his stomach. Okaaay. . . Why did my eyes travel down that extra few inches? After that, my attention for stats was no good, all I could see was the rise of his pants WAAAAY up in his crotch. If he was female, dude woulda straight up had a camel toe. And nobody, NOBODY shoulda seen what I saw. The man's pants were up sooo high that his stuff was bulging on the side of his leg. THAT IS LIKE, SO NASTY. How can I focus on math when I'm in shock that this man is seriously dressed this way, and isn't that a little uncomfortable?. . . Did he not feel his stuff being all smashed up and compressed? Was his member not uncomfortable being exploited in front of a class of 20-somethings? That's all I could think about that whole class, and I just had to pray that the rest of the semester would go smoothly (and a little more loosely for him)

I must be (going) crazy.

Grindin'

It's the first day of school, and I'm actually kinda glad to be back in the grind. Break was nice, I got plenty of rest and relaxation. Now, it's time to get with it and hit these books. And I'm ready.
I'm taking:
Photography 1
Interpersonal Communications
Composition 2 *praying*
Cultural Tour (Germany!!)
Statistics
Basic Guitar
Music Appreciation
So, don't ask me what I'm taking cuz I can never remember them all.

By the way, I'm a little upset that I just got treated by BruthaCode and he doesn't even know me.
". . .*this also applies to people who think it's cute to take out your cornrows and wear that shit out in a wild ass afro... lookin like one of those trolls at the end of your pencil!!*"

whateva dude. . .lol

2004

Looking at the calendar today, I can't belive Christmas is just next week. I'm not even done shopping!! Anyway, everyone knows that after thanksgiving the rest of the year just flies by, and it has definately flown. I am forced to think back on the year, but it's always hard to remember what happened in the beginning months. What can I remember?

Starting to find my father's side of the family
Meeting Max
Meeting Kabah (can you belive it was this year?)
Meeting Obina (Jeffrey)
TYJ died
Donna and Kitty "left"
Emily got her own apartment
Meeting Julius
Becoming leader of the Praise Dancers
Tura and Sonia went to Guyana for spring Break
Sonia moved out
Sonia got Trevor
Sonia's mommy passed :-(
I got to know SO MANY of my beautiful African people :-D
KEITH!!
I finally quit Claire's
Started TJ Maxx, S&K, and peer mentoring
Took a class with KaReisha
Went on a date with AJ
Went on a double date
Got my hair chopped off

Wow, so this year has been pretty much uneventful.

Sometimes I feel

Sometimes I feel like I have noone to talk to. Well, really, noone to listen because I can talk until my face is blue, but that doesn't mean anyone will listen to me. . .

But you know what? This is MY BLOG and i can talk alllll i want to!

SCHOOL
I have a problem with school. I love learning, but since third grade or so, school hasn't really been my forte. I hate the homework, I hate the busy work, maybe my problem is that I just hate the work. I hate the structure. I hate having to take classes that pertain to things I'm not interested in and that will affect whether I graduate on time and that affect my GPA, and are not even a part of my major. They claim it's to make students more 'well rounded' but I disagree. I think there must be better ways. But it doesn't matter. School is one of those things you have to do, and with society today, choosing higher education is a social norm of sorts. It doesn't even matter how much or little you know, but what does matter is your status as a degree holder. Even if I don't know JACK but still have a degree behind my name, I could get a decent job. And those who are so smart and educated because of interest, not because of force of going to school, but don't have a degree are going NOWHERE. Sad isn't it? But nobody seems to care, because the world will keep moving with or without you. It will move with or without me, so what is my rush? by the time I get "there", "there" will be in a whole different place, and I will forever be chasing.

BODY
Hey body, what's wrong with you? You haven't been acting right for the past few years, and I'm getting tired of your games. All I want you to do is function and feel good, can't you do that for me? We're in this thing together!!! There is no you without me, so I suggest you straighten up before I fire you. But do realize, there is no me without you! I'm begging you here. You keep hurting me. Whyy. Haven't I loved you? Maybe not always but I always fed and watered you. Is this the treatment I get? I'm trying to take better care of you, take you out for walks every now and then, and make sure you get some balanced meals, but it's hard Body. It's so hard sometimes. Forgive me if sometimes I don't have time to feed you. Forgive me if I forget to water you. PLEASE forgive me if I neglect to take you out for play and excercise once in a while, but I need you to stay strong for me. (and slim down a little) We can't go on this way. If I do my best to do my part, please reciprocate the favor. Do this for US.

LOVE
Everyone always told me you suck.
I'm not sure if it's true, but I always tried to be the optimist and defend your honor, but I'm wondering if I should belive the hype. I think the problem is that nobody gets you. You are SO misunderstood, and that must be hard, but maybe if you were a little more consistent. . . I don't even know what you are. Perhaps you are a serial killer, making hearts break and crushing millions who vow to never come to you again. But sometimes you can be so nice. AHA! I've got it! You are a trap. We, unsuspecting humans are the mice, and you Love, are both the yummy cheese and the snapping trap. How can you be so cruel? Does it bring you pleasure to see so many in pain? Is that where you get off? If so, then Love, you are SICK and I ABHOR you. If not, then please help me clarify what the heck you are. Since the beginning of time your mystery has been held, and I promise, if you help me understand you, I will help the world understand you, and you will be seen in a much more positive light. Deal?

Thank you for listening.

Have you ever felt like you wanna just be physically hurt for being stupid? I think this comes from my youth, and being expected to be beat when I did something bad, i.e. bringing home bad grades.

Lemme tell ya, this semester was not so hot. Fall semesters always get me, I think it has to do with the time change and days getting shorter, seriously. Spring semesters are the best. So now, my grades are gonna pretty much suck, and I feel so bad that I just wanna be hurt.

I want somebody to hit me. For being stupid, for wasting my time and procrastinating, for not working harder.

Give me "something to cry about".

I deserve it.

Cri'mma Shoppin'

I've been getting some Christmas shopping out of the way, but not nearly enough. I haven't made lists of what I'm gonna get everybody yet, and that means I'm likely to forget somebody. And that's sad.

Stank you smelly much
I was sitting with my friend earlier, and a friend of his (Lee) was at the table. He left to go to class, so it was just me and Lee at the table. Why?
After a few moments of silence. . .

"Sooo, I'm supposed to be going to the podiatrist."
". . .Oh yea?"
"Yeah, see I have this callous on my foot that hurts like an S.O.B. everytime I try to walk!"
"Oh. I'm sorry"
He then proceeded to tell me about how the pain is bearable when he's wearing his shoes, but he walks around the house barefoot, and it really hurts on tile floors, and he hopes they burn it off.
Thanks dude. Thanks for letting me know.

So, I think I'm gonna fail my music appreciation class. isn't that sad? it's not even a hard class! i'm so mad about this, because it's gonna affect everything for next semester, and also for my *hopefully* entering Knox in the fall. Woe is me. Oh yes, woe is she.

Reflection

I remember back in the day, when I was all of maybe 5 or 6, we used to sing this song in the children's choir.

"I might as well think big/ Why should anyone think small?/ I might as well think big/ If I'm gonna think. . .at all"

I also remember conversations with my mother of a similar realm.

"What should I be when I grow up?"
"You can be anything you wanna be."
"But what if I wanna be an. . .astronaut?"
"Then you can be an astronaut."
"Well, what if I wanna be a. . .pizza?!"
"If you wanna be a pizza, then you can be a pizza."
"Maaamaaa, how can I grow up to be a pizza???"
"If that's what you want to be when you grow up, then you'll make a way. Put your mind to it and you can do it."

This is the theory I have been raised on, and I still hold it true today. But it seems somewhere along the line, something has infected my view of being able to do anything I want. Even being a pizza. It seems like as much as I try, and as hard as I'm trying, something isn't working right in my life. School-wise, financially, spiritually, personally, socially, I must be doing something wrong.

Elizabeth, your expectations are too high.

This is the message I'm getting from everywhere I turn! I'm at a point where East meets West in the manner that everything I've known-being able to achieve anything I set my mind to- is being met with the idea that I have set my goals and expectations too high. The combination finds me in a strange place, in a middle state of uncertainty, and I'm not sure what to do with it.

But I do know it's making me cry, because I'm confused.
It's making me feel lost because it seems that I'm not going in the direction of the steps I'm taking.
=(

Tell the Tale

I am here to tell you the tale of a double date. First, lets review the grades.
(my date) Jonathan-D/F+
(Sonia's date) Stephen-(muahahahahaaaa!!!)-C, but an A for effort.
Sonia-B+
Me-A++(what?)

First, me and Sonia got to Jonathan's dorm and waited for Stephen to arrive. Meanwhile we played in Obina's hair which was fun. He liked it. Stephen got there, and we all sat around and chatted for a while until it was time to leave. Sonia and I were ordered to leave the room momentarily while Jonathan "got naked". *wink sonia* After that, we spent a little time deliberating on where to eat, finally settling on IHOP.

Obina said me and Sonia looked so cute that he would marry us both. I don't think I like to share though. . .

Since it was snowing, and ya know, baby girl had her hair done up all nice and everything, we ran to meet Trevor in the parking lot. Thanks to the basketball game Trevor was some distance away, and while running in the just-was-rain-now-is-snow in the dark, both Sonia and I managed to splash in a BIG puddle. Smooth.

Jonathan, Stephen, and I made ourselves cozy in the backseat while our chauffer Sonia drove us to IHOP. This is where the 'fun' began. The waiter was really cool, for the time he was there. I guess he decided he needed to leave, which sucks, because I think that's what messed up our orders. We waited forever for the food to come, and when it came, it wasn't right. But hey, that's ok. While we ate, we taught the boys Doo Run Run, and then had a lil' chuuuch up in there. This whole time, I found myself observing Stephen's lack of game. Actually, what his game consisted of was an ill mirror-image of whatever Jonathan did. Jonathan put his arm around me, Stephen put his arm around Sonia. Jonathan whispered to me (no, no sweet nothings in the ear), Stephen whispered to Sonia. Jonathan asked me what I liked to do in my free time, Stephen asked Sonia what she like to do in her free time. You get it. It was kinda sad, because the boy had no game. Really, you don't even have to have game, just have some social skills for crying out loud.

We played "going to the beach" which was fun. We were bringing some weird stuff.

Then we went bowling, which was fun, but my nails always break when I do it. Even through my broken nails, I still managed to beat everybody, which is sad because I'm not much of a bowler. My date wasn't giving me much support, except for when I rolled a strike. Men.

After bowling, we went back to the dorm and chilled. I was attempting to take a nice little nap on Obina's bed when Jonathan threw a pillow at me. How could a date do such a thing? That's ok, I needed a pillow anyway, but when I stuck it under my head, he came over and snatched it from me! How rude. . . Not only that, but I also got the cover snatched from me several times during the night and I was sooo cold. Where was the love?

We left around 2 a.m. to take Stephen home, not knowing he lived WAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY out in the boonies. I swear, this boy lives on the very outskirts of Bloomington, it has to be almost in another town. Crazy.

But, that was our date. It will make for good stories for my children.

Hott Double Date

Tonight Sonia and I have a hot date with 2 of the finest young men in Bloomington/Normal. Ok, maybe 2 of the finest young men who work at Wal*Mart. . .well maybe just 2 young men.

Originally Tura was supposed to go, but alas, I guess it wasn't meant to be. We should do a triple, so Tura and Jeffrey could come too. That would be fun and crazy at the same time.

I have been instructed to look cute, now should I take this as an insult? Is that supposed to mean that I would come not looking cute, or that I don't look cute on a daily basis? Am I not cute in my jeans and hoodie? Do you not like my T-shirts and gym shoes? What is this madness???

So here I am, doing my best to look cute. I have my hair 'did'. (. . .I know that ain't your ponytail, because your 'bang's too short!') I put on a touch of makeup and although I'm still wearing jeans, they're nice ones and I have a cute shirt on. Do you think I'll be cute enough?

Really, can I get any cuter? lol, just kidding

Now I must leave to study for and take my spanish test that I've know about for a whole week and still didn't study for in advance. Que horrible! I missed my first class this morning because I was tooooo tired to get up. Why was I tired? Because I had to look cute today, which meant doing my hair, which meant I needed to wash it, and that should say everything. What a nightmare.

Let me tell you something. . .
I like my approach and I think it's original and unique. Who wants to do the same old thing that everybody else is doing? not me. So, thank you, but i don't really care if you don't like it. hm.

Hey, Elizabeth, what's wrong?

My back hurts, and my stomach is upset. Why?

It's snowing outside.

My blog picture is gone! I'm gonna find yet another template and pimp it out. yeah

I have to go to class.

I need to get my Knox application in, but I don't know what else to say on my essay.

I really don't wanna go to class.

Tear
In the still of the night
Lying in your arms, being held tight
As you fell fast asleep,
Lover, I began to weep.

Your chest rose and fell
As I thought of all I wanted to tell
Of my insecurities, hopes and fears
But all that did escape was a tear

The first tear ran down my cheek
and fell to your skin
The tear dedicated to my greatest sin

(perhaps i shall finish this later. perhaps it shall go unfinished. . .)

That was soooo freakin weird

I'm in the computer lab (I've been here allll day) workin on some last minute stuff the day before break. I'm sitting here, working, working, working (I should always work this hard) and the girl next to me has been here for a while too. She's a pretty-ish girl, and she has that dyed black hair, and I don't care what I'm wearing look. She seemed nice, till she freaked me OUT !!!

She sneezed, so I said "Bless you". She didn't say thank you or anything, which didn't bother me at all. The she sneezed again, I said "bless you" again and she whipped her head in my direction, and gave me this blank, icy look. She said "Don't bless me, it burns. . ."
I'm sitting there, looking at her with this big dumbfounded look because all I wanna do is pray and call on my sweet Jesus to come get me, and see about this girl.

Honestly, she scared me. She scared the bajeezus out of me, and I kinda wanted to run. I didn't know if her head would start spinning around, Exorcist style, or if some demons would come out of her and start runnin up on me, or what. But, I was scared. I'm still kinda scared, and she is still next to me, and I haven't looked at her since.

See, this is why you gotta leave the house prayed up, cuz these people are crazy out here.

Symone's big happy self, last Christmas I think. (Note the Spongebob in her hand. scary) 

So, as you can tell, I've recently learned how to put pics on my blog!! I"m so excited, I know I need to be working on this paper that's due in 2 hours that I've known about for 2 weeks now but you know how I procrastinate *breath* but why do that when I can post pictures?!?!?

Blogger has once again gotten the best of me. *_*

Now I definately have to get a digital camera.

I cannot wait to get some more pics on here!!!!

*CHEEEEESE!!* this is cousin anthony, flasing a nice BIG smile :D 

I think this picture is so cute. My mother and Daryl, I think at at thanksgiving or one of those family-get-together-everybody-eating things 

This is my father and I at my graduation. . .yea, I look good in purple *_* 

Graduation 2003. . .the last of my high school days 

Here is another pic of cousin Jerome. . .Do we look alike? 

This is my cousin Jerome, I spoke to him for the first time last night!! The baby in the picture is my aunt's daughter, so I guess that makes her my cousin too right? Ahh, family =) 

Please Be Nice

What ever happened to people being nice? It seems everybody has an attitude these days, chill out people!

Like this morning, I needed change for a $5 so I could get myself a drink. Since I refuse to patronize the "Campus Cafe" (I'll not digress on this right now), I went to the vending machine, but I did go to the Cafe to get my change. This lady was snappin. First, when I walked in, the lady looked at me crazy right off the bat. She stands at the counter, with this look on her face like "What do you want?? I'm waitiiiiing. . ." Keep on waiting then! Dang. . .
"Hi, can I get change for a $5 please?" (being very nice as usual)
Then, she gives me another crazy look, just full of attitude.
"Well, let me see if I even have change."
You know you got some change! Dang! You're running this little establishment and you don't know if you have 5 $1's in your drawer? Come on now. . .
"Okaay."
She starts looking in the drawer, acting like maybe she doesn't have 5 singles, but even I can see she has at least 10-15 in the thing. She starts whipping them out of the drawer, like I just messed up her whole day.
"*SIGH* Well, this time I do have it, but next time, you need to go to the cashier. Don't you know you have a cashier at this school?
Do you really think that I'm going to go in a whole different building to go to the cashier (which is intended for things like, erm, Tuission Payments) when all I need is change for a $5 to get a drink, and you are right down the hallway with a drawer full of money? I don't think so. Homie don't play dat.
She couldn't just be like, "I'm sorry, but the cash in this drawer is just for purchases" Noooo, she had to snap out.
Then
The computer lab has this policy: "Do not eat or drink in the lab. Keep all bottles, cans, cups, etc. sealed, on the floor, or in a bag at all times. Ok, thats cool but I have to say I usually don't abide by it too strictly. I'll sit here and munch on my little cheese crackers, or pretzels as I type away, and swig a couple of drinks of my beverage of choice while I "surf the net". No big deal unless I see the. . .dun dun dunnnnnnn
Computer Lab Nazi!!!!
She's a seemingly sweet, and often helpful lady but don't get 'caught' drinking or eating.
she
will
SNAP!!!
I swear, if you don't strategically sneak your sips and nibbles, this lady will practically spiral down from the ceiling and lasso you to your chair and give you a good ol' scolding.
I was chillin in my seat, drinkin my drink, doin like I do. All of a sudden, this woman pops out of nowhere (let me add that she's about 50) and is all up in my grill!
"Um, Excuuuse me, Excuuuse me!"
I look up at her, thinkin 'What in the heeezzeee??' She says
"Whose drink is This?"
Aww dang, here we go.
"It's mine, I'm sorry. . ."
She plops a fist on her hip, and points to the little sign above me.
"Read that sign"
Ok, dang , I just said I was sorry
"Alright, I'll put it away. . ."
"There is NO drinking in the computer lab. . .!!"
Look here lady
"If you want to take a drink you must go outside of the lab"
"Alright, sorry, I just. . ."
"And whose drink is that?"

Aw, Now she's snappin on my friend. We both got treated by this woman! Whatever happened to "excuse me, but there's no drinking in the computer lab, but you can take your drink outside the lab if you want to drink it"

What happened to being nice? Give peace a chance or something. . .dang

Paulie Baby

Paul Lawrence Dunbar, I love this guy. He's one of the most famous black poets, but you might not have heard of him. well now you have! (these are pieces of works, not whole poems)

He writes about love. . .
Dis hyeah love 's a cu'rus thing,
Changes 'roun' de season,
Meks you sad or meks you sing,
'Dout no urfly reason.
Sometime I go mopin' 'roun',
Den agin I 's leapin';
Sperits allus up an' down
Even when I 's sleepin'.

SEE dis pictyah in my han'?
Dat's my gal;
Ain't she purty? goodness lan'!
Huh name Sal.
Dat's de very way she be --
Kin' o' tickles me to see
Huh a-smilin' back at me.

Often when I 's all alone
Layin' here,
I git t'inkin' bout my own
Sallie dear;
How she say dat I 's huh beau,
An' hit tickles me to know
Dat de gal do love me so.

He writes about feeling depressed
STANNIN' at de winder,
Feelin' kind o' glum,
Listened to de raindrops
Play de kettledrum.

Mandy, bring my banjo,
Bring de chillen in,
Come in f''om de kitchen,
I feel sick ez sin,
Call in Uncle Isaac,
Call Aunt Hannah, too,
Tain't no use in talkin',
Chile, I 's sholy blue!

He writes of siblings
Now you, John Henry, 'tain't no use
To stan' up daih an' mak no 'scuse.
You need n't tink you foolin' me,
I sutny has got eyes to see!
Oh I 's yo' sistah, yes, dat 's true;
But den what good 's dat gwine to do?
Dey ain't no use in tellin' lies,
You look right sheepish f''om yo' eyes!
(this reminded me of Symone)

All I want for Christmas is. . . .

I get the question every year, "what do you want for christmas?". When asked, I never know, so I decided to give it some early thought. If people can put up Christmas lights before Thanksgiving, I can surely think about a few things I might like to have.

Digital camera
Manual camera (for my photography class)
Luggage (for my travel *_*)
Money (that will always make the list)
A new Computer
That seems to be it, I think that's all I really want.

Whistle While You Work

I meant to write about this yesterday, but I couldn't under the circumstances that the subject was sitting right next to me (you know sometimes we have those computer screen peekers, hey I'm guilty too), and also I got distracted by unexpected company.Anyway, I'm sitting at the computer, doing my thang. The kid next to me, he was pretty nice, we had chatted a bit. I resume doing my work, and he continues to do his, no problem. Then he put on his headphones. Awww hecky naw. . .

Now, headphones can bring a variety of problems. One being that you can sometimes hear the music the other person is listening to, and if its some head-banging metal or some strange digital-tehno sounding type stuff, it can put a damper on my state of mind. But that wasn't the problem. Another headphone problem is humming. When jamming to your music, sometimes you are unaware of the world around you, and you get caught up in your jam and think you're actually on the CD too. You might think you're humming/singing quietly, but everybody and their mama can hear you. That wasn't the problem.

Since ol' boy had the headphones on, he obviously couldn't hear himself. First, his breathing got reeeeeaallll heavy, like he was sleeping. But he wasn't. I mean, he was almost like, snoring. This is when it got reeal bogish.

This man started whistling.

Not whistling with his mouth, like usual, no, he got that nose whistle thang goin on. You know about that, you've had it too. And it was LOUD. It wasn't your quiet, almost inaudible nose whistle, like wwweeeeeeeee, woooooooooooo (yes, thats the sound of a nose whistle ok?) Nah, it was loud like
weeeeeeeee, woooooooooo
weeeeeeeeeeeeeee, wooooooooooooooooo
weeeeeeeeeeeeeee, woooooooooooooooo

Now, I'm not one to get easily annoyed, but this was too much! It was like a scream! This man, sitting up here nose whistling, all loud, all up in my ear, nah. not cool. Especially when i think its gonna stop, but you keep going for 10 MINUTES!!! daaaaannnnggg man!

Just had to vent about that.

Weird

I've come to the conclusion that I'm weird. Ok, maybe peculiar sounds a little better. Yes, I am peculiar.

See, I've always been different than everybody else, even as a child. I was smaller than everyone else (almost runt-like). I'd rather stay inside and bury myself into the pages of a great book for hours on end than turn double-dutch and run behind my friends while they rode their bikes. I never did learn how to ride a bike. . .

My favorite place to go, more than anywhere else in the world (except for maybe my grandmother's house), was the Harold Washington Library downtown. That place is freakin HUGE! It was like my young version of heaven, where the streets were paved with carpet and the walls were covered in. . .books. The library was the SPOT!

Then, there's the way I always hung around the 'grown folks'. I think this is mostly because up until the age of 6, I was an only child, and grown folks is who I was usually surrounded by. But then, it got to the point where at family gatherings, I'd be sitting around with the grand-folks (you know, grandparents and those old aunts and uncles) listening to their stories and such, while all the other kids were livin it up and having a high time playing in the grass.

On field trips, when we partnered up, if there was an extra person he-she would have to be the teacher's partner. I loved being the teacher's partner!

Now, don't get me wrong. I definately wouldn't label myself as being a 'nerd' back in those days (but maybe I'm biased), I had my cool points. I had plenty of friends, and they loved the heck out of me. Then again, they did get mad when their parents asked why they couldn't be more like me. (not funny, this happened more times than even I believed!)

And now, especially lately, I've come to realize how peculiar I really am. Who else knows a black girl from the south side of Chicago (wild 100's ya'll-but you might not know nothin' bout that) who gets classical music stuck in her head and speaks to people in spanish on a regular basis regardless of whether they understand or not? And who likes to spell some words the european way (which everyone says is wrong) just becuase it seems right, like grey? Or who has no problem wearing her hair wrapped in a range of colors and prints on a daily basis for months on end? There's too many things to list!

I'm peculiar.
But it's okay.
I know you still love me anyway :)

Love?

Love
warm and fuzzy
Love
red and sultry
Love
deep and caring
Love
strong and daring
Love
my protection
Love
in affection
Love
you, my friend
in Love
again and again
Love
that crazy thing
(what does I Love you mean?)

I have Beethoven's fifth symphony in my head. Thats the one that goes dun-dun-dun-DUN, dun-dun-dun-DUNNNNN. That's the jam.

After sitting at this computer for an hour and a half, I've decided to start my paper. I have to find some motivation. I was thinking my motivation could be sickness.
Because I'm sick of seeing my people in the state that they're in. I just started to really feel this on another level.
Maybe I should write about it later so I can get this paper done. That would be a good idea.

High/Low
I was watching a movie where each night the family sat down to dinner (hah) and each person went around and said their high and low for the day. I like that.
High-Talking to my "soul mate" today (*wink* lol). He told me he liked my poem, and I love the way he's mad feeling me on knowing that only I know its true meaning. That was so deep to me, because most people can't even go there, which is why I'm always leery of sharing my poetry.
Low- Talking to Sonia today, she's having such a bad day. When she's sad, I'm sad, but I have to do my best to be strong for her because I love her so much. And thats what I have to do.

I went to vote yesterday, that was cool. I still don't know if they've decided the president yet, but I'm so sure Bush is gonna win. Just one of those feelings. What can ya do? Vote. I did that, so I guess I just leave it alone.

Lately my sister has been on this kleptomaniac thing, I don't know what's wrong with the girl. I even experienced it firsthand a couple of nights ago. I went to pick up mama from work, and I had Symone and her 2 friends (twins) in the car. We go into Party City to wait until she finished up her work, and Symone and her friends separated from me. I went over to where they were later, and Symone's back was facing me. She was talking to the twins about some boy or another, and she turned around to face me, then turned back.
"Come on guys, I'll tell you later so some people won't be in our business."
She proceeds to walk down the aisle
"Wait Symone, come here. Let me check your pockets."
Sister's instinct.
"What? What for? Man. . ."
Getting an attitude. mm hm.
"Just come here. . ."
I proceed to grab her.
"Um, wait, I just gotta show Rae and Devin something"
Powerwalks down the aisle. That girl never walks that fast.
"Symone"
In that motherlike voice. Have you ever sounded like your mother? scary. As she walks down the aisle and turns the corner, I'm watching her every movement like a hawk. Sure enough (she must think i'm dumb, or blind, or that she's incredibly slick) I see her fling something out of her pocket. She turns the corner and I go to see what it is. Lo and behold, a baby bottle pop in the midst of Sponge Bob napkins and paper plates. hmmm, wonder how that got there.
I reapproach her
"Come here Symone"
In that calmest voice ever.
"SEE, nothing in my pockets, just some tissue, a gum wrapper. . ."

My mother's all like "what did I do wrong" and I'm trying to tell her that most parents don't raise their children to do bad things, but we have a lot of people in this world who do. Each one has to make their own decision. What is one to do?

Ok, I'm almost done. I just HAVE to tell you about this email I got today. Now, we know that Knox is mad expensive ($31,000) and yes, I have a scholarship for $5,000 (praise the Lord) but that doesn't do much. Of course there's financial aid and all that, but this email I got today was reguarding a scholarship. A $30,000 renewable scholarship.
WHAT YOU SAY??
How weird/cool/timely is that? They don't just have $30,000 renewable scholarships. I'm stunned and wondering. Hm. Wow.

I'm gonna do it. I was nervous at first. I was afraid. But now I think I'm ready to apply to Knox College. I think of how great it would be to go there, all the oppourtunities it would open up. Are you excited for me?

What's been up lately
I know lately I haven't been writing about much of anything. I think because I've been in this dissonant state of depression and anxiety and even incoherentness. (yes, im using those college words) I've been feeling so disconnected from my world, but still burdened with the problems of it. I want to blame it on DST (daylight savings time) and the rotation of Mother Earth around the sun and the change in seasons. I want to blame it on the strain of working and going to school and being active in church and feeling like I'm not doing enough when I know I'm doing too much. I want to blame it on that man, and what he's doing to me, and the effect I'm letting him have on me. I've always considered myself a strong person. Maybe I only look like a rock, but am made of putty.
But let's not dwell on that.

Today is Tura's birthday!!! She's the big 2-0, the big tweezy, off the heezy. . .ok i'll stop. FELIZ CUMPLEANOS mi amiga!!!
We went to "celebrate" her birthday on Saturday. After I got off work, Me, Tura and Sonia all went across the parking lot to Chili's and ate and had a good time. It was fun, even though we are so lame that all we could do was eat to celebrate. But that's okay tho. I am both comfortable and confident in the lameness of both me and my friends. *nod*

Last night Max took me to the movies, we had a nice time. We saw SharkTale, which surprised me, because he's the one who actually picked it out. I didn't think he' want to see something like that, being so serious as he is.

I feel like writing a poem.

Not ready to keep waiting
But still I'm hesitating
So afraid of what our love could bring
Not so sure of seeing you with me
Baby
Bending myself to your lust
Counting backwards from 10 with each thrust
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
Is this your idea of fun
Hun
You hold me so close
In my stomach a feeling so morose
Knowing that You + Me = Three
And three would mean forever We
Scary.

I don't care
I don't care
Right now I feel like I don't care
A-bout you
A-bout me
I don't care about anything
Not the grass
Not the trees
Not the fall
Not the spring
Not daylight savings time
Which I hate
Because its dark
And I feel so bad
Because I know winter's coming
And I hate the cold
Because you can't go outside
And everyone gets sick
And you have to blow your nose so much until it hurts but you stil have to keep blowing it unless you want snot running out of your nose which is so not cute, but then what are you to do?
I dont' care about anything
No, not me
No, not you
No, not work because my job doesn't pay me enough even though it is more than the job I was working before but I wanna quit this one anyway cuz I'm getting bored with the work, I'm just not feeling it.
No, not school because as much as I want a good future and all that jazz, I feel like I'm working so hard and there are freaking people out here who all they have to do is go to school and they don't have to work and they don't have any bills and i dont care where they get there money from but they dont have to do JACK but go to school and that is so not fair because here I am, struggling, trying to do so much because I want everyhting to go right but nothing is really going right and im tired all the time and i hate that, but i dont get enough sleep, and i dont eat right because i never have time to eat and when I do eat its a honey bun which has so much fat which is probably why I'm gaining weight AND i couldnt even turn in my paper that was due today because i tried to do it yesterday and i couldnt get it done at school and i couldnt get it done at home becuase of my possesed computer so i couldnt get online to do what i needed to do and i couldnt go ANYWHERE ELSE to get it done, so im just jacked up AND he doesnt accept late papers so that means im going to loose 50 POINTS and that is such crap but who can i blame.
I don't care about anything.
Not my clothes
Not my nose
Not my shoes
Not your blues
I don't care about annyyyyythiiiiiing.

THIS is one of the most hilarious blogs i've read in a long time. Ghetto humor and well written. A must read.

I hate you! you ate my post!!!!!!! WHYYYY

sitting on the edge of my seat
thinking of what she has to tell me
mind is racing, anticipating
bad news, good news
i wonder whats going on
i wonder whats wrong
nothing is moving fast enough
i gotta do something, but i dont know what

Hey you, what you said was really deep. As a matter of fact, I went over it several times because it was so thought provoking. And I still wonder "what am I to do with you?" in a couple of ways. But I'm gonna just leave that alone.

I really don't feel myself lately. I think its a combination of being sick, not getting enough sleep, not eating enough, and school and work. I asked my friend what she did this weekend and she said "nothing!". Its strange because I found myself getting angry. She did nothing this weekend. All the crap I had to do and she was sitting home chillin and getting drunk. Not that I wanna get drunk, but it sure would be nice to just chill. Like now, I would love to be home sleeping; I'm mad tired and the weather is perfect for sleeping. However, there is always work to be done. I have sooooooooooooooooo much work due in classes, and since I've been slacking off lately, now I have to work double-time.

I can't even think straight. My memory and cognition seem to be so fuzzy these days. I think my brain is repressing memories for the fun of it. Even my vision is getting worse, what is this?? Sometimes I find myself holding my breath, and I don't know why. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, I am so not balanced now. I think I feel disturbed in every realm of my being, but I think at the core is the spirit, so maybe if I get that together everything will fall into place?

HEY
Sonia- you make me smile and cry. I love ya!
Tura- just because we haven't found the way doesn't mean we're lost.
Lauren- Wal-Mart lol what a trip
You- Don't do anything I wouldn't do. . .I know you'll be good ;)
Me- Slap yo'self fool.

Yeeaa, so I was gonna write a bit and tell you about my weekend, then I stumbled upon this blog which took up my precious blogging time. Now I must go to class. Really, this post was only so I could remember the link.

So how about this weather? it SUCKS!

Time Flies

Did you know its been a year since I started blogging?? That's craziness, I hadn't realized it has been a little over a year to date that I had started blogging. This is cool. So I decided to go back and read some of my posts from way back when, and after reading a couple of lines I decided against it. Let the past pass, I'll not bring up anything to perplex and potentially anger my mind. That's another story.

Anyway, this anniversary of sorts of my blog would not be complete without my blog mom, the one who essentially brought life to my blogging experience, who has recently returned and once again is a member of the blogging community. Cheers! to her.

I did Crystal's hair last night. I braided it and put some beads in it. I couldn't have that girl walking around looking like Animal from the Muppet Babies.

So guess what? I found this GREAT and absolutely wonderful college I would love to go to. Its called Knox College www.knox.edu and its in Galesburg. Please click on the link and tell me what you think. Ohh, this college has that feel of being "The One". Its expensive (30,000) and its "highly selective" but we shall see what happens. Should I dare to be hopeful? Yes.

Can you be a part of my life? can you be a part of my life?

Oh it's easy to find someone to play with
and almost anyone will do to fill your idle time.
but that very special someone you can share all your dreams with is so hard to find
And it used to be like me to settle for the physical
but these days it ain't too easy to make up my mind
cause apparently your body just to temporary to take up my precious time

(Bridge)
See I've got to know that
that I can be free with you
and you've got to show that
that you're worthy of my time
can you stimulate my mind?

(Chorus)
And I know that it looks good, but can you be a part of my life
and I'm sure that it feels good but can you be a part of my life
and it probably even tastes good but can you be a part of my life
I've got to know, I've got to know ohhhh. . .

I still appreciate the beauty of a man
but there's much more to what I need now than what meets the eye
and if beauty's only skin deep then your pretty skin won't send me to my highest high
oh it's been a long time come for maturity
and I believe that it's truly what it has to be
cause as much as I admire you
my sexual desire ain't controlling me

(Bridge)
(Chorus)

Once again, India.Arie has captured the true essence of the situation. Can he be a part of my life, cuz if not, then why am I wasting my time? We've had our fun, but now I need something with more substance. "Can you stimulate my mind?" And if he can be a part of my life, then its high time that we do something about this, because right now I feel like this is some Jr. High stuff. lol maybe I should have him check a box YES or NO cuz then I would have a straight answer and not be guessing. *sigh* I'm too old for this.

My good news

Ok Ok, do you want the good news or the bad news first? I'll start with the bad news.

I put in this application for a scholarship to go on a leadership conference through Project Rise. I was so excited, its at this resort in Wisconsin and it lasts 3 days. So, I put in my application, and wrote a really great response to all the questions, I was psyched.
So I was at work, talking to Tiko and she told me that she had gotten her acceptance letter. I called home, and my letter had come too, so I had Symone read it. I could tell she was reading ahead because she kept pausing. . .
"Dear Elizabeth, thank. . .you for submitting. . .your application. . . .to the. ."
"Come on Symone! Read it!"
"Ok, OK! to the MAEOPP leadership conference. . . .ohhhh, Elizabeth. . "
"SYMONE."
"Unfortunately. . ."

That was all I needed to hear. So I didn't get to go on the Leadership conference.

Faye, the director of PR called me into her office yesterday. She asked me if I'd gotten my letter about MAEOPP. I told her yea, and she knew I was upset about not getting selected to go. Then she said

Yea, well we didn't send you to MAEOPP because we're gonna be sending you to Central America.

Yes, they are sending me to Central America this summer and I am so much more than excited. WOW. Details are forthcoming my friends.

I'm feeling much better, Thanks

I was really down this past week, just going through this and that, and then the whole Sonia thing, then the whole mother thing, then the whole Max thing. . . when the sh** hits the fan right? But now I feel much better, I know somebody is praying for me.

I've been thinking lately. Thinking about how when I was younger, I'd say starting 5th or 6th grade, I would pray continually for God to make me someone who others would be able to see His light shine through me. That was the true desire of my heart, I wanted to be a open and willing vessel, for whatever He wanted me to do. I wanted people to look at me and see Him.

Well, they do say be careful what you pray for lol. Part of the reason I was so down and frustrated was because I know that God has made and is still making me into that person. A part of being saved and living holy is being sanctified and set apart. I can't be like everybody else, and that has its moments when it sucks. It is a huge privledge and responsibility to live a Christ-like life, but it seems more like a responsibility. How can I lead anyone to walk the straight and narrow road when I'm drifting? A lot of times people in the church will say "The world has nothing to offer" but as my pastor says, it has plenty to offer, but what is it worth?

So I'm trying to live by the scripture: Romans 12:2 - And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. But its so hard, because I always have to be on my P's and Q's (what does that stand for anyway?). What I do is not only a representation of me, but of my church, of my faith and my God. So if I cuss you out, how does that make God look? If you see me at a party juking away and having a good time, what reflection is that on my church? If you know me to call myself "saved" and you see me wearing skimpy clothes and running around with this boy and that one, what impression does that leave you of salvation?

But sometimes I feel like I wanna be able to make mistakes without being a mis-representation of what is good. Not that I wanna go out there and do bad things, but I don't always want the pressure of continually carrying the name of my Saviour, which I know is a privledge in itself. Its almost like living under a magnifying glass, everybody is always watching what I do and say, even though I may not realize it.

So I feel like I wanna be free.
Romans 6:20 - For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness.
Thats not the free I want.
Romans 6:22 - But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life.

So lets see, free from righteousness, nahh. Free from sin, holiness, everlasting life. Free from sin seems to have some good benefits. So I guess I'd rather be free from sin and be a servant of God. Being that servant, I know I have my duty to live this life and let His light shine thru me. Its worth that everlasting life.