Sunday, August 27, 2006

Said I'm Not Gon' Cry

I am successful. I am successful in that I have survived every single day of my life and am still here. I have taken each day at a time, walked each mile step by step and I have made it.
I have made it to today. But today is no time or place special. It's no birthday, anniversary, or milestone in my life, simply another day with joys to be experienced and struggles to overcome. Another day packed with thoughts and emotions.

I don't particularly like emotions. They are partially uncontrollable and certainly unpredictable at times. They make you. . .feeeel. Not only stimulated by events and memories, emotions can also be swayed by hormones! The tiniest fluctuation can create an emotional catastrope! Who needs that?

Like now, all I wanna do is write my paper on the value of a Liberal Arts education. That's all I wanna do. But instead I am forced to cope with emotions and even hold back tears. Now, let me tell you that nothing about Liberal Arts is saddening or heartwarming, so why this problem? In the computer lab of all places.

And why when I am alone and try to induce such tears (just to get it over with because I hate crying) with memories and pondering various circumstances, nothing at all happens? My mind is rational and makes its peace with the situation.

I hate feeling this way. I can't stand the fact that my eyes are leaking in the computer lab. But it is a part of my day. I have gone through worse, and I am sure that if I can make it through this one too, then I will again be successful.

Monday, August 21, 2006

What's the Matter Lizzy?

Only 2 people in my life have been able to get away with calling me Lizzy. One was an old deacon at my church in Chicago. Actually, he called me LizzyLizzy and even though I prefered Elizabeth over anything else, I didn't wanna be disrespectful by asking him to call me by my given name, especially seeing that I was only 6 or 7 years old. The other one is my beloved sister (from church) Roc. I don't know where she got the idea to call me Lizzy, but it works. For her.

She noticed that I looked troubled in church on Sunday, and I was indeed troubled. But let's take some good news first.

After I got off work on Friday (I think it was) my friend Jen and I decided to go to Meijer to do a lil' shopping. You know, make money, spend money. I almost didn't go because my hips and feet were hurting, but I wasn't ready to go home for the night, and she's always fun to be with. They were having some type of "College Night" and were giving away all kinds of stuff and were having karaoke as well. She was like "ooo Liz you should get up there!" I wasn't feeling it at first, but when I saw a woman singing "I Love Rock and Roll" as if she could care less about Rock and Roll, I decided I needed to work the crowd a lil' bit. I sang to Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop/That Thing" and the crowd was loving it!! LOL One guy was even bowing to me saying "I love you!" It was fun and they even made a CD of it (um, it's pretty much blackmail material). A woman came up to me afterwards and liked my performance so much that she wants to hire me to sing for a party she's having for her husband at Biaggi's. I don't really know if she heard the sound so much (cuz being karaoke, the quality was not great, plus a sista was not on her A game), but she liked what she heard and loved the way I interacted with the crowd. She gave me her number and, well, we'll be in touch lol.

I'm in school now, completing my LAST YEAR BABY!!!!! I'm excited but you know I can't get too excited cuz who knows, I just might fail this whole semester or something lol. I am looking forward to earning my Bachelor's degree and being the first in my family to graduate *Cheese*. All I know is that my family better be there and be actin a fool when I cross that stage!

Ohhh, also I saved over $200 on books by shopping on! (no, they didn't pay me to say that, though a free book might be nice for the free advertising on my behalf) I got 9 of the 12 books that I need for around $50. Now THATS how I shop!! Ya'll know me. . .

Also I am moved into my dorm (got a single this year ya'll!) which is a feat in itself. I am so dayum tired of moving this year! Got me feeling like I don't ever wanna move again. But that would leave me in Watterson for the rest of my life, thus being in Bloomington the rest of my life and we all know that's not how it's going down.

Yes there have been some good things going on in life lately. Some tough times too though. This summer has been life-changing. I would rather have saved all of that drama for my mama, but I love her too much for that.

Let us start with little miss fucking sonia. I guess this summer was my breaking point for trying to uphold our friendship through all of her bullshit. My breaking point for trying to love and care about her when she doesn't seem to wanna care about her own self. My breaking point for putting up with lies and disregard for me and our friendship. All of which she seemingly pretends to be oblivious to. "Liz, what are you talking about?" Funny how she can act so simple and get away with it. And she wonders why people tend to treat her like a child and want to protect her. It's cuz she acts like she can't think for her own dayum self, it's not so hard to figure out.

It's really quite a sad situation. We have been friends since 8th grade, best friends from 9th. That's 8 years of frienship! We have gone from naive teenagers drinking orange juice in the junior high cafeteria to our first day of high school and having our lockers close together to finally graduating from high school to going to different schools for college. We've been through happy times and success such as going to just about every formal dance together and working hard and winning awards at DECA. We've been through tough times such as death, financial hardships and family issues. Alla dat shyt. And so many times I felt as though my hand was overextended in the clasp to keep our friendship together, but I didn't mind so much. A friendship is a give and take. I felt closer to her than I did my own sister, much to my mother's dismay, but what did I care? This was my best friend! We'd never even had an argument, disagreements yes, but we knew how to settle them civilly. Who would have thought it would come to this?

Someone told me that she said I was too nosy of a friend, that I was always "up in her business". That could be true, but I wouldn't understand how seeing that I didn't know about anything that was going on in her life. She kept her secrets, as we all have a right to. How could she be offended when I sensed that she was up to something, and come to find out she really was? It hurt me that my own best friend felt that she had to conceal her true identity with lies so that I would think of her in a certain way. I had always accepted her for who she was. She was my best friend. I see right through that shyt anyway, which made it hurt even more. I guess ignorance is bliss. But perhaps I'm trying to pass on my values of maintaining a true and consistent character, especially with your closest friends. I can't force my values of honesty and trustworthiness on other people. How silly of me.

But I would be continually silly if I decided to stay in a relationship that caused me more pain than anything. That's just not healthy. When she told me that she was upset because she hadn't felt any support from me throughout her unexpected pregnancy situation, the hurt was definately deep. I have always done my very best to support her in whatever situation she is going through, this one being no exception. I have gone so far out of my way. . . When I was told that she said that she didn't get the abortion because noone would drive her there, I became fed-up with the lies!!! Who in the world did she ask to take her? Don't blame your damn problems on the world! I guess you didn't tell anybody that you didn't get the abortion because that' s not what you really wanted to do. You didn't know what the hell you wanted to do!!!! You were confused, as is natural, but you gon' blame the situation on somebody else? Namely your friends.

You have hurt me more than enough times, and you don't even know. You have no damn clue. So are SO fuckin clueless!! And I'm sorry, I take back what I said about being there for you no matter what. I never shoulda said that, and just like you predicted, you ran me away. You did a very good job of that too. I feel. . .Sonia I feel heartbroken. You have been a very intimate friend of mine for many years. We have gone through SOOOO much.

I miss my old best friend. I miss calling her on the phone, telling her who I saw from high school, and who's got a baby now, and who's gained so much weight, and what I did today, and how school is going and what my crazy mama said.

We shared our lives
Now a part of my life is missing.

It's hard for me. Hard to move into a new house and my old best friend has no idea where it is. Hard to not pick up the phone and dial her number. Hard to be so upset to never want to be her friend again. Hard to be so dayum mad that I wanna get into a fist fight with her and let out all my anger on her puny little body. But I'd do it. I even dreamed about it.

I miss her like I miss singing in church. I miss singing in church!!! I miss worshipping and praising a God that I had no doubts about, who had proven Himself to me as a deliverer and provider. I miss not questioning Him. I miss being excited about Him. I miss praying to Him. I miss Him.

It is difficult to deal with the loss of such important elements of my very being, especially considering the loss is voluntary. I have chosen to let these things go for the time being. I could pick up the friendship again. I could easily go back to doing all the things I enjoyed in the church. But I don't. I don't want to do anything that could be unhealthy for me emotionally, physically, or spiritually. I don't want to do anything just because I'm in the habit of doing it and be hypocritical and unbelieving. I refuse.

So for now, I am here, doing my best to keep myself together and be whole in spite of my losses.