Monday, July 25, 2005

"The doctor said I had blood clots, but I ain't Jamaican man"
-Kanye West

Dear homettes, friends, family, and other readers,

This is a long update. If I act strangely lately, this is why. I have lots on my mind, and I don't even know where to begin.

Summer semester of school is almost over. I had a test today that I thought I might fail. I have this habit of calculating best/worse case scenarios, and I think I just might get a C on the test. A C would do just fine, and that's really all I expect to get out of the class. Last night, before trying to study for the test I made a HUGE mistake. My stupid self decided to calculate what my GPA should be after the semester is over. I got a 2.3. I almost threw a FIT because I need a 2.5 to keep the scholarship, and frankly I'm not seeing the possibility of going to school next semester without it. I was all distressed, I wanted to cry and give up after 7 of 8 weeks spent in vain. Needless to say, after that it was nearly impossible to study. All that time for nothing? How/Why do I keep doing this kind of stuff to myself? The easiest class I have, which is some computer thing for only 1 credit hour, is the class I'm doing the worst in. I'm trying to bring my grade up to a D yall. That is plain ridiculous.

And if i don't pass the class, that will not only put my scholarship in jeaopordy again, but will complicate my process of going to ISU, which is already complicated enough. I have given up on the idea of Knox, and have finally come to terms with my future at ISU. But I have NO idea of what to do, when to do it, and where to do it. I (wisely) saved everything they sent me from the time I got my acceptance letter, but it seems I should have gotten some stuff that I didn't. So I'm lost. I don't know what to do first, I don't know if I'm gonna stay in the dorms, I don't know if I'm gonna get financial aid, I don't know anything. I'm not used to this situation, because Eliz is the person who figures out the unknown. If Eliz doesn't know, she will figure the thang out on her own. But this one is stumping me more than Chi-square tests and 2-Prop Z Intervals. It's causing me distress, and I'm upset with my mother for not having gone to college, because she can't even help me :( . None of my people have gone to college, and I don't think they (especially my mother) understand the stress it puts on me. I wish I had someone who had been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt that I could relate to. *sigh* I'm going through this thing pushing a white cane in front of me, and too headstrong to ask for directions.

I even thought about not going to school anymore. Maybe just for a semester, maybe for the rest of my life. Throw away the dreams of Bachelor's and Master's degrees. Find a decent job that makes ends meet, and live like the rest of my family. That would be much easier.

So while trying to study and thinking about all these things, I got a phone call. This male voice said "Do you know who this is?", and I was racking my brain to pick up any vocal clues. Is this somebody who lives here, or maybe some family from down south that I've only talked to once or twice. Is it a friend? A previous classmate? My mother said "It's your cousin Michael."

MIKEY!?!? It was unreal. Mikey and I haven't seen each other in 14 or 15 years. I was crackin up when he said "so I heard you have a sister", cuz that girl is pushing 14 years. I guess you could call it a 'blast from the past' (for lack of better term) hearing from him. I remember it used to be me, Mikey, Dante, and Lil' Scott (or Scotty). Scotty was the oldest, now he's 27. Dante is 25 and Mikey is 23. He has 2 KIDS!!!! It was so unbelievable to talk to him after SO VERY LONG. He was 7 or 8 the last time we saw or talked to each other, and now he is a grown man with kids. I had to resist the urge to call him Mikey, and to refer to Scott as Lil' Scott or Scotty. We talked for a while, doing our best to catch up on 15 years in about 30 minutes. I miss the days when we'd all be at Grandmother's house in Chicago, and they would tickle me to NO END. I honestly think they're the reason why I'm not ticklish now, because they tickled it all out of me. I miss them boys.

Then, while talking to Mikey, my cousin Jerome called on the other line! I had been wondering what happened to Jerome, since I hadn't talked to him in a few months. He and Lil' Scott are about the same age. Anyway, I always love talking to him. It feels good to talk to my father's side of the family.

As for my father, I have to resist the urge of telling him to kiss my nether regions. My mother said she heard from him about a week ago, and I asked what was going on with him. She sighed, looked me in my eyes and said, "Well, he's back at home." My father is an institutionalized individual, so that makes his home anywhere with bars and guards. He's facing a life sentence this time. That makes me SO ANGRY. Not only did he bastardize me, but he decided to then further traumatize my life by attempting to step in every now and then and 'father' me. MoFo, my mother IS my father. You have been USELESS, as a matter of fact the only purpose your life has served is 1) being another freaking STATISTIC, and therefore allowing the negative stereotypes of Blacks to survive 2) Scarring me for life, and 3) breaking my mother's heart. You should have just left us alone to wonder what ever happened to you. That would undoubtedly have been better than your yo-yo half-stepping presence in my life. You are no good. I can't have the memories of sitting on my father's lap, or showering him with loving hugs and kisses. I could never brag about what my father did for a living, I just lied and told people I didnt' know where you were. I STILL lie and tell people I don't know where you are!! And you wanna get mad at ME when you think Im trying to give you a guilt trip. YOU DESERVE A UF-KING GUILT TRIP! If i wasnt raised to respect adults in general, I woulda tore you a new one a LONG time ago. I woulda gone postal on you and done my best to express my years of feeling hurt, rejected, unloved, and bastardized, in verbal form using my best FRENCH, physical form, and psychological form. Remember when I introduced you to Sonia as "my mama's baby daddy"? You got so MAD, but do you think I cared. If my mother wasn't there, I shoulda introduced you as the piece of ish that my DNA is half composed of.


My father should have been there to regulate my expectations of males. Mabye then I wouldn't have gotten myself involved in the Max situation. Sometimes I don't wanna see his African face, other times I wanna jump his African bones, literally. I have been dealing, and am STILL dealing with this thing. My mother sees him as the victim, and me as the villian. According to her, I broke his heart and played with his emotions. Is she NOT seeing the big picture?? This grown azz man came to me in the freshness of my legal adulthood, exposed me to the experience of his thoroughly excercised adulthood, and then essentially left me haging on the premise of his relationship that I was kept ignorant of. THANKS DUDE. I'm the villian????? What the frell? What did I miss here?

Then, I wanna get a car, but I don't know if I can afford having one. I took a shower today, but apparently the shirt I'm wearing isn't clean. I sniffed it, but I must have only sniffed the one non-smelly spot cuz it smells kinda weird now. That's too bad cuz I gotta wear it alllll day. I'm thinking about a LOT of identity issues concerning race and gender. That alone is enough to preoccupy my thoughts for a lifetime. I was supposed to take 2 big trips this year (Germany and Costa Rica), and the only place I went is to Chicago. My little sister got arrested and my mother thinks it's all her fault. What am I gonna do with my hair? It's hot outside. My mind seems to be stuck in '95. I do wanna jump his bones. Right now. Why can't I lose weight? I still haven't returned that CD to the Library. My fine is gonna be HUGE. I hope I find the other CD I lost of theirs. I need some clothes. I'm afraid to dream. Why dont' they make a GOOD 90's hits CD with SWV, Aaliyah, Diggable Planets, Hammer, and Escape on it? I have all of this stuff on my mind.

"That right there could drive a sane man bizzerk"

Monday, July 18, 2005

Dear You pt. 2
(Pieces of Me)

Hi. I know I just wrote a letter to you, but another one is definately due. Remember how I asked you to please stay out of my thoughts? I meant that, but I guess you don't want to comply. I saw you yesterday at the White Castle in Kankakee. All I wanted was to get some cheeseburgers and take them back home to enjoy, and here you go, coming up in there in somebody else's body. Your posture, your build, your face, even your hat. But somebody else's body. You had the audasity to walk up in that place like you owned it, and didn't even look at me. Not even out of the corner of your eye! You acted like I wasn't even there. That was cruel, I just want you to know. Also, I don't appreciate you following me around like that.

You seem to be doing a lot of that lately, following me around in your subtle ways. Disguising yourself in other people's bodies, manifesting yourself in their ways. And you only do little things that I would pick up on. A certain walk, that peculiar posture, your familiar scent, the shape of your body. You know I'm gonna notice, so that's why you do it. Repeatedly.

Why are you doing this to me? Does it satisfy you to see the look of shock in my eyes while I'm attempting to stare at you without being seen? Or is it that you enjoy teasing me with pieces of your presence to make my heart ache? Why do you keep making me feel this way?

Maybe its because you know I miss you, and you don't want me to stop missing you, whereas I would appreciate stopping missing you. In that case, I should do the same to you. I should start popping up everywhere you go, with little pieces of myself that you know. My headwrap. My earring. My facial expressions. My laugh. Then see how you deal. Then see how you like a taste of your own medicine.

You're good, because I haven't yet figured out how you do this. I don't know how to follow you, or even precede you and show you these pieces of me. I don't know how to be where you are at any given time of day. I just don't know.

I just don't know.

It is unfair for you to manipulate my feelings without even BEING HERE!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Dear You

You know who you are, so don't even be lookin crazy. How are you doing? I'm not asking this question for conversational reasons, but because I really want to know. I haven't seen you in such a long time! Where are you??
I still think about you. Like, everyday. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, but I do know that I miss you. Maybe if I even knew where you were it would help, but I guess it doesn't matter, because I don't. Anyway, you might be wondering what this letter is for, so let me take out the guesswork. This is one attempt of many to get what I think I'm looking for: closure. I'm not sure, but this must be what I need to "get over you". I'm not even sure if getting over you is what I'm trying to do, but I'm figuring that must be it. I know you probably think I am a confused little girl, but to be honest I usually only get this way when it comes to you. You kinda make me lose my thoughts, and to question things to the point of no return. And when you rebut my points with your points, that makes it all the worse. I find it difficult to explain things to you, although I know you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. That is one thing that I don't miss, because it makes me feel confused and kind of. . .intelectually inferior. That's not cool with me.
But back to closure. I'm not sure what closure entails, so I looked it up. Closure-to bring to an end.
What exactly am I trying to bring to an end? Well, I think mostly I want to stop the variety of emotions that I feel when I think of you. They range from joyous to loved to confusion to anger to sexual to used. That's a lot to deal with, especially just in the spaces of my mind. But how can I tell you that? How can I deal with that? How can I get closure?
It's not that I mind thinking of you, because I know I will NEVER forget you. I might forget what you look like, to be honest I do that now, but I cannot forget you. With that, I know that memories have attatched emotions, so is it really possible to think of you without this flood of emotion? You, am I trying to do something that is impossible??
Perhaps closure should have come with the announcment of your marriage. I was shocked beyond belief, but of course I couldn't show you. I'm good like that. You probably saw right through me though, you know how we have that Libran intuition thing. I knew that you had to take care of your business by marrying her, but it made me quite sad. (Darn you, you're making me tear up right now!!) I was hurt because...well, I don't really know why. I guess you being married extinguishes all possibilities of us (rightfully) being together. I knew I would never have you again, and if I did the consequences would not be worth it for both of us, and for your wife.
Closure did not come.
Sometimes I really wish I could be with you again. Remember the time at your house when you put on some of your music, I think it was some Rumba thing, and you started dancing? You move quite smoothly sir. I was thinking to myself "oooo, look at this brotha move! Ol boi can dance!" I wanted to dance too, but I didn't know how to dance like that, and I didn't want you to have to show me, and me get all tied up in my footsteps and what-not, so I just sat there looking at you. It would be nice to see you dance again. That memory always makes me smile.
At times like that I enjoyed being with you. And when we watched the fireworks? Man, that was the BEST 4th of July I've had since moving here. I thank you for that. But sometimes, I didn't like being with you. Especially when it came to SEX. You know and I know that I NEVER planned on/wanted to have sex with you. I gave you the whole "waiting for marriage" speech, and I knew you weren't tryin to hear it. I didn't care. I was determined to stand my ground, and I did for a relatively long time. If not for that trying period in my life, you sir, wouldnta got NOTHIN. But that trying period did come. I didn't understand you and the sex thing. Yea yea, I know you have desires and all that, but is it not possible to put them aside? Sometimes I needed you to just talk to me, and not touch me. Okay, sometimes I needed (well, wanted) the touching too, but climax vs. conversation, the latter is what I woulda chose. Now, I do want you back in a sexual way. I want to touch you, smell you, kiss you. . .lets not get myself worked up, this will turn into a whole nother letter. But that is your fault. YOU awoke this demon in me, and left me with it! Um, excuse me, what the heck am I supposed to do?????? Gawd, I could slap you upside the head for that! (and no, not the little head)
But, this problem cannot solely be acredited to you. I should never have let things escalate to that point, or any point near that point. BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING! And you knew that. But did you care? NO. You did not care, and that hurts because you should have. How could you exploit me in my naivete? Is that okay with you? Do you sleep fine at night? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL CARE AND CONCERN FROM SOMEONE WHO KEEPS TRYIN TO GET IN MY JEANS???
Can you answer that for me? And don't give me that jive of "Because I love you, I wanna have sex with you" because I'm certainly not buying it. That is what I call BS and I certainly have been wearing boots up to my waist trying to sift through it. Did you ever really care, or was it all a facade? If so , I don't appreciate that at all. But then, like you said, if all you wanted was a lil' sum sum, you coulda got that anywhere. I believe that.
All the "I love you"'s and I'm in love with you's, yes I heard them, but I never ever believed them. And for the record, lets clarify that the two are not completely synonomous. I never said I was in love with you, because I never was. As a matter of fact, I don't think I liked you all that much when we were together, but I think I mostly kept seeing you just to see what would happen next. It wasn't the conversations that kept me. It wasn't the orgasms. It wasn't the mediocre/unsatisfying sex. And I was unimpressed by your money. I was however, impressed by your hardworking-ness.
That was something I always admired about you, you would work so hard. You were mature and responsible, and so many men (and people in general) are not like that. You took care of your business like a MAN, and I respect that. I give you mad props. I also appreciated your intellect. You never tried to act like you knew everything, but intellect can always shine through. Your intellect+that African wisdom thing= HOTNESS. Now THAT makes my eyes roll back and my toes curl. Woo yes! And of course, I cannot leave out what I call 'our intuition'. I acredit it to us both being Libras, even though I'm not all about the zodiac stuff. Libras are known for having a 'sixth sense' sort of thing, and yours combined with mine was such a cool experience. It was like we could completely read each other's minds, even though we weren't that tight. It was thrilling.
But alas, all that is over now. You must move on with your life, and me with mine. As far as closure, I don't know about that. If you could, maybe stay out of my mind for the most part. Once or twice a month would be plenty of thought, and after time we can reduce. That would do fine for closure, I don't ask for much.
I wish you a happy life with your wife, please treat her well. I know you love her. I hope your kids are beautiful and healthy. I hope that you remain in good health as well. Perhaps we will see each other around.

Monday, July 11, 2005

One Woman Band

I am a fine musician, that's what people say
and you can tell by the music in my sway

For some reason, today my walk is especially noisy.
My flip flops *scritch flop, scratch plop* (no matter how hard I try, dragging my feet in flip-flops is inevitable).
My purse *clunk, clunk* with all its keys, pills, balms, coins, and undiscovered contents hitting my thigh with each step.
My jeans *whoomp whoomp* as each flare leg hits the other.
My bookbag *thump thump* thanks to the pack of ramen noodles I have housed in a plastic storage container.

Timbaland and Magoo can't touch me!!

In other news, I'm looking for a new hairdo. I've been doing some searching lately, for new do's and also some good products. I think I'm gonna try this Sta-Sof-Fro stuff. I've read a few good things about it on product reviews. Seems to work well for natural hair, and doesnt cost too much.

I like these styles a lot, and can really see myself rocking both of em. What do you think? I'm more partial to the Bantu Knots, mostly because they are something you don't see as often. I'd like to be able to do them myself, but we'll see how that goes. I need to do something though. My mane is a mess. I've been trying to wear this curly/free naps/afro thing, but its starting to feel supa dry, especially after I decided to try and color it. Well, the color didn't show much, but the dryness sure did. Instead of cute-ness, I've got a hot-mess. Ah well, for some reason I still get compliments on it, though mostly from those of what my mother calls "the caucasian persuasion" lol. They tell me how "cool" it looks, and my face smiles and my lips thank them. Really, I'm thinking "Whatchu talkin bout Willis??" But I guess it could be worse.