Thursday, April 28, 2005

Thursday Haiku
Forgot my guitar
And supplies for photo class.
'Nother day wasted.
Recap of the week:
Monday-Felt like I'd already been through the week, and needed a weekend. Finally remembered to send more paperwork to Knox. Bought a cool shirt at work for only $2 and enjoyed spending time with 2ra.
Tuesday-Got so caught up in classes and work that I missed a much-needed appointment with my advisor concerning graduation. Will I walk??
Wednesday- Thought I would have an emotional breakdown and spent the whole day fighting and swallowing tears, only to allow them to release in a flood as I drifted to sleep. Decided it was me against the world, so I'd better man-up.
Thursday- Woke up and laid in the bed for about an hour without moving. Decided not to take the much agonized over Stats exam and just fail the class. Gee, everyone thinks I have an attitude. Emotionally I feel cold as ice.
Dayum. Three weeks until the end of the semester, so much wasted time in that stats class. I got shafted when it comes to my teacher, some new guy who gets so excited about math that he forgets he's teaching a class of people who know nothing about stats. Over half the class has dropped, only 10 -15 people out of maybe 30 remain.
I'm watching how the stress of the end of the semester is taking a toll on myself and others. This is not what education is about. The stress is not from brain-overload of that learned; it is from chasing the grade, making sure all papers, projects, and other assignments are in, and are a reflection of everything supposedly learned throughout the semester. Final exams are a joke in themselves. All for the game of grades, but education, true education is not about grades. True education is about enligtenment and knowledge! Education is about empowerment! How can enlightenment be meausured solely by A's, B's, C's, D's and F's?? How can empowerment be placed on a GPA scale?? I suppose it would be too utopian to allow students to have a free mind, to explore ideas and academic solutions without the fear of what impact it would have on their 'grade'. Grades are a game and a joke. Students can 'earn' a grade in so many more ways that are contrary to the goal of education (higher education in specific) than they can by pursuing that which will open their minds. Does anybody see a problem with that??
Random Quote: "That which is reciprocated is often ill-recieved, much like vomit." -Lyric

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Wednesday Haiku
Week almost over
"Hang in there" is what they say
Schoolwork is my noose

This next one goes out to all those students climbing that (rope) ladder of success.
*snap, snap, snap, snap*

Hang in There
You say,
"Hang in there"
Hang in where?
Hang in this,
the noose of defying that
ignorance is bliss?
I suffocate for air
as I "Hang in there"
dangling from that which I thought would enlighten me
only to suffer from the stress it brings.
"Hang in there"
Hang in where?
Hang in this
one thin branch on the side of that cliff?
first generation to take that leap
hanging here now,
they can't help me
"Girl, just hang in there"
Hang in where?
Hang by this
one fine thread of sanity
Just one strand, slowly unraveling
letting everything get the best of me
taking too much of a load, now my string is progressively breaking. . . .
If I let go I know I'm gonna fall hard
I hope the savior will catch me in his everlasting arms
And as I drift into what I know is the end
I pray he will revive me again.
looking at this rope, i guess i just forgot
it was meant for climbing, for hanging-not.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Tuesday Haiku
I don't understand
Girls afraid to talk to guys
I say bring it on.
(Sometimes I have to
Use my fingers to count the
Haiku syllables.)

Monday, April 25, 2005

Monday Haiku

There is so much work
If I don't make some progress
Failure awaits me

Once again, I have procrastinated myself into a ditch. Now I must struggle to dig my way out of it, and time is running short. What is it about school and me that produces such an adversion to work? Is this every college student's cry?

Speaking of college students, I have decided that there are only four major components to a college student's wardrobe.
1. T-shirts
2. Sweatshirts (mainly hoodies)
1. Jeans
2. Sweatpants (this category includes all pants that are made of cotton, or a cotton/polyester blend and stretch, usually with some form of elastic waistband. This is inclusive of Sweatpants, Yoga pants, and pajama pants.)
That, Ladies and Gentlemen is about it. Of course there are some minor deviations from this i.e. tank tops, mini-skirts, and shorts.

Back to work, maybe making a list of mi tarea will help me see it more concretely than just talking about it.
2 Papers for English
2 Papers for Communications
1 Project (almost done) for Communications
1 Project for Statistics
1 Test for statistics
2 Papers for Music Appreciation
1 Assignment for Photography
1 Project for Photography

The only way I can conceivably diminish this pile of work is to make goals, and take it one bite at a time.

Let's get crunchin'!

By the way, Lyric is my decided coffe-shop name (Big Ups to HumanityCritic).

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Please come find me
look for me
search for me
and tell me where I am

How far have I gone now?
Am I close to the end?
Am I losing the game or
Do you think I might win?
Can you please come find me
And tell me where I am
Then point me to that red X
Marking the spot where
I begin my success
Open that treasure chest
To find that I can really be my best
And transgress
The expectations of those who keep me lost

Look for me
Search for me
I was last found under the Knowledge Tree
Learning about the world, the ills of society
Questioning God, questioning me
Struggling to gain sight of my destiny
Looking so hard, but failing to see
I know over there is where I came from
And I haven't forgotten
That I've only come this far thanks to those breaking their backs to pick cotton
Should I
Backtrack my steps and try this journey again?
Hell no! To go back to the beginning is to reach my end
I've come too far to go through all of this again
It's taken blood, sweat, time and tears
Facing adverstity and facing fears
Listening to my peers with fingers in both ears
Learning from experiences, mistakes and sins
Still running, looking behind me while so much of life dissapears
I've come too far to go through all of this again.

You can stop looking for me
Don't waste the time
Because this life is not yours, this life is mine
Then I can proudly stand up and say
That I found my way
To that red X
Marking the spot where I began my success
I opened that treasure chest
And found that I really could be my best
And as for life, I'm ready for the rest.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

I'm Feeling So


Thursday, April 14, 2005

I've had some time to think.

It has been about 4 hours since I found out that Max got married.
At first, I was *_* mad stunned. Literally as if I'd been hit with a stun gun, frozen with the incapability to produce thoughts of feeling.
Now I can think a little more and I need to express these feelings.

I feel a little sad, not only because he is with somebody else, but he is with somebody else PERMANENTLY. Marriage is such a big step! And WHY didn't he tell me he was engaged BEFORE we 'engaged' ourselves in our own thing? Isn't that weird? I mean, technically he had someone else, although they kinda weren't together. So did he cheat on her or not? Am I just sloppy seconds? Anyway, back to the sadness, him being married means that I can never (rightfully) hold him in my arms again, be held in his arms again, kiss his full, delicious lips again. . . NEVER. I am determined not to help this man be an adulterer, cuz please believe it can happen. I would hate for my man to cheat on me, whether I knew it or not, whether I was in the same country or not. I don't want to do that to another woman.

I feel unconcluded, because there were and are SOOO many things I never told him about how I felt about him. Now, none of those feelings matter, because he is a married man.

I feel like telling myself (for the second time this week) "It's not fair!!!!" But you know what, it's not about me. It's not right for me to be selfish, but I am a part of this situation and therefore do have resulting emotions.

I feel a little jealous. Not sure of whom though.

Mostly, I still feel shocked. To me, marriage is such a big deal. I'm a little bit in denial and fully aware of it. is that strange?

This is all so new.
He's the Numba #1 Stunna. . . . .wha. . .wha. .wha. .what. .WHAT????????

Making small talk.
How is my mother doing? Fine, working a lot.
My sister, oh, she's having some trouble in school.
How is work? Oh, you get 2 days off a week now? That's good.
*awkward silence*

How is your um. . .fiancee. . .girl. . .person?
Oh. *sheepish grin* *pause* My Wife.
Your. . .Wife? *not comprehending the english language*
Yes, I got married.
WOW!!! YOU GOT MARRIED?? Well congratulations!. . .(followed by a host of questions, are you going to bring her here, etc)

"We wear the mask that grins and lies"
It was a Halloween Mardi Gras Masquerade up in that mug.

He's a MARRIED man now. Imagine that.

I am not upset, I knew he would not, could not, should not always be mine.

I am however stunned to the point of no return.

This is all so new and weird.

I'm not sure if I believe it. I'm not sure if I want to believe it. This is all so new and weird.

He's married.

Monday, April 11, 2005

I wish I wasn't fat

Right now, If I wasn't fat (and If the sky wasn't turning dark with clouds forewarning the thunderstorm, and if I didn't have a class to go to, and if I had some better gym shoes on) I would go running. I feel like running right now, running so fast, running for my life.

Not on a track though. Running on a track is running in circles and I'm not quite in a running in circles mood.

I would like to run either on a trail, like a beaten path type of trail, or just in some natural place. I wanna run so fast that I feel the still air turning into wind on my face, and it cools my whole being. I wanna run so hard that every muscle in my body is exerted to its fullest capacity, not even minding if I sweat (but I won't sweat cuz I'll be cooled by the air). I wanna run with such a rush of adrenaline that although my body is working to the maximum, arms and legs pumping like crazy, I'm not feeling the least bit winded. I wanna feel like my feet are barely touching the ground. I just wanna run.

But I'm a lil too fat for all that, so I'ma just sit here at this computer screen, mabye eat a pack of donuts lol.

I also feel like writing. I wanna write words so powerful that they draw the reader in with each and every single sentence, every single word, every single letter. I wanna write the words that move the masses, that motivate the citizens of the world to action to better their lives and the condition of life as a whole. I wanna write the words that prick and provoke those feelings of the heart, just as a pin pricking a finger. I wish I could write where my audience would feel and identify with every anguish, struggle, heartache, joy, pride and satisfaction. I want to write with such humor that brings alligator tears of deep laughter to one's eyes, causing that laughter that comes from the pit of the stomach and is felt throughout the whole body; foot-stomping, stomach cramping, hand-clapping, eye-watering, barely able to breathe laugh. The power of words and communication is amazing.

I want to be beautiful. Not pretty, not foine , definately not cute. I want to posess that inherent beauty that captivates, even merely from my posture and the way I carry myself. That beauty that lets everyone around me know that I am a queen, noble and virtuous, yet maintaining a deep sense of humility and compassion. Non-intimidating beauty that draws people in like a magnet, causing me to be that person that people just want to know. "What is it about her??" type beauty. The beauty that mesmerizes when I walk into a room, beauty that makes my conversation both intellectual and well-thought, yet down to earth. Beauty like the sunset that ends the perfect day, only to lead to that sunrise of the next.

I think I have a long way to go, I mean, even the most precious of the elements (i.e. diamonds, silver, and gold) must be refined. But even before their refining, their most stunning qualities are already present.
A Stumble in My Walk

have become like the rock in my shoe
I never invited your presence
You just invaded my space
and created a stumble and a limp
in a walk that should've been full of grace.

But you,
unlike the rock in my shoe
are unmovable.
I cannot simply put a halt to my struggled stride and
remove that shoe
and shake out that rock-you
and continue my life's journey happily
because you
are a part of me.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Life Has A Strange Way

A strange way of what? Just a strange way. It's so complex (do we make it that way or is it just that way?)

I'm tired. I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired of school, I'm tired of my jobs, I'm tired of being broke, I'm tired of being bored (bored meaning nothing exciting going on, not nothing going on), I'm tired of this rock in my shoe.

In other news, my father is supposedly coming to town this weekend. I will believe that when I see it, but I am much more anticipating my letter from Knox which should be here this week. I thought about calling them, but I'm scared to. I'll just wait. Anyway, back to my father. I kinda feel sorry for him. I was thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure that he doesn't know how to be a father. His father was never around when he was growing up, so maybe he just doesn't know what to do. I think people often think that parenting should come naturally, but if you look at half the parents out here, we can see that theory disprove itself. So, I think it's pretty sad that he doesn't know how to be a father. That is helping me to have a little mercy on him. Thinking about him coming to town, I have this image in my head of me taking him out to dinner (yes, refusing to let him pay) and telling him so much that's on my mind. He wouldn't be able to go anywhere, and I wouldn't let him change the subject like he does on the phone. He would be at my mercy MUAHAAAHAHAHAA!!!!

I would tell him all the things he doesen't wanna hear, starting with how upset I am with him because of him not being able to be a productive member of society, if you know what I mean. (note-making liscence plates does not count as being productive). Then I will move on to how his absense has affected me, both negatively and positively. That will be a great lead-in to the Max issue, which will be the main kicker.

Now this, I have a script for.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Oh My Goodness Lawd

You have GOT to read Humanity Critic's latest entry. Classique.

Monday, April 04, 2005

I'm Scurrrreeed!

Last night I was in one of my creative moods. It was about 11pm or so and I started making some jewelry. I came across these charms I'd bought a while ago, and they all say the same thing: Follow Your Heart.

I sat there for a while thinking about those words, and what they mean to me. I thought about what my life would be like if I "followed my heart" all the time, and I think it might actually be more fulfilling. That fulfillment, however, would come at it's price because following my heart would surely land me on my butt lots of times. I never did like falling. . . That's why I can't ride a bike now.

When it comes down to it, I'm scared to follow my heart. I feel much safer following my mind, which more often than not doubts my heart. When you follow your heart, you do that thing that you want to do without rationalizing or weighing the pros and cons (which I do way too much of). Following my heart would have me picking up that phone and dialing those 7 digits that just may lead to a little piece of happiness in my life. Following my heart could also lead to my embarrasment and woe.

That's it. Following one' s heart is a black and white thing. Rationality leads this great grey area of uncertainty, but following the heart either produces good results or bad. Either you will be lifted up, or you will fall on your face.

Follow your heart.

Why follow your heart? Who says the heart is always right? Couldn't following your heart get you into a load of trouble?? Who or what gives the hear authority to lead which way to go?

But maybe I could try it. Just for one day, follow my heart, or maybe for a week. It could be an experiment! You should try it to, and we can log our experiences. It could be called the "Follow your heart project".

Who's in?

Friday, April 01, 2005

I Remember When

I remember when you told me that you were fond of me. I looked you in your eyes and told you that I already knew. When you gave me that classic "whatchu talkin' bout Willis??" look, I managed to surpress my laugh. You asked me how I knew. I just know these things, like so many other things I "just know" and like so many things you "just know" about me. I looked you in the eye and smiled because you looked so cute and baffled then.

I remember then.