Monday, March 27, 2006

Gimme a Reason

Why do I do the things I do?
*shrug* Don't ask me!

Ever since I was little I can remember getting in trouble for answering, "I don't know" to my stepfather's drilling questions. Imagine 7 or 8 year old me with a grown man yelling in my face asking me why I did this or that. Why did I not turn in my homework assignments? I don't know. Why was I talking in class? I don't know. Why didn't I fold the clothes in my drawers? I don't know!

Then I would get, "Everything has a reason, so what' s your reason?" or, "You DO know". But when I would timidly explain WHY I didn't do what I was supposed to, or WHY I did something wrong, I got in trouble! Why didn't I turn in the homework? Cuz I didn't do it. Why didn't I do it? Cuz I didn't feel like it. Oh wait, now I'm talking back. "I don't know" serves me much better thank you.

But really, sometimes I don't know why I do what I do. I just do some things because I want to. And really, does everything need an explanation? I thinketh not. Sometimes it is simply too difficult to examine why you do what you do because the reasons are beyond your scope of knowledge.

Let's bring it home to the real issue at hand, which is my relationship with Friendboy. I have made the decision (again, but for real this time *wink*) to let this 'thing' go. Then someone asks me why I'm in this relationship in the first place. To be honest, no reasons came to mind. Why did I, ELR, get involved with this dude on a 'friendship with benefits' level? Did I desire a friendship with benefits? Not really. Was it because I was merely looking for benefits? Nope, can't say that's it. It was like eating something because it's in front of you. Not because you're hungry or have an appetite, but just becuase it's there. Some people call that greedy, so in that case maybe you could say I'm in this because I'm greedy.

But now I want out. I want to stop eating because it's just not that good, and I don't desire it anymore. The relationship just doesn't suit me, and my needs are not being met. So I need to let it go.

The sad thing is, letting go is difficult especially when I don't have anything dramatic that is swaying me to stay or go. If my needs were being met and I felt fulfilled by being with him, I would definately stay. If we had a fight or he pushed me over the edge, I would definately go. But now. . .it's nothing extreme at all, and sometimes I find myself going back for the same reason that I got in this in the first place. That reason that I don't know.

But this time, I'm comitted to leaving it alone, and I even have reasons why! But why I got in it in the first place, the world may never know.

Monday, March 20, 2006

He's No Melody

He's no complicated, off-key melody
the song that can't be sang the same way twice.

He is the poetry to my flow
He knows the words to the tune I wrote

And as our thoughts twist, turn, tumble, rubix-cube rumble,
all colored squares fall together on the same sides

Yin and Yang fuse together in their balanced harmonies as great minds do what they do
cuz, that's just what ours do

Telepathic connections stronger than the ocean tides that separate us
And those tides play their part
We must just
continue to ride this tangled web of communication, for we always seem to meet at the same point in time as our minds see fit

and let our fingers do our minds' dirty work

But see, I can only tap into the melody
my heart sings this grateful, happy, sad, longing song
of trials, injustices, rights, wrongs, theories, prophecies, and everything inbetween
And each note drifts into the wind, colored, solid, and strong

It is he who writes the score
and turns simple sincere sweet melodies into classic literature
Concisely assigning his divine dictation to every single note with authority
cuz he knows what he's talkin bout

And together, if anyone it is we who have the authority
to direct the greatest of operas and symphonies
Tchiakovsky, Beethoven, and Chopin have nothing on us!
Our work can piece the ears and hearts and move the bodies of the masses
We too can make them lean, rock, snap their fingers, slide and/or cha-cha, dip, roll, and get low, all for the cause

But, we'll just keep writing our own songs.


Thursday, March 09, 2006

Ah, Those Tender Kisses

caress my neck
whisper in my ear
tease my breasts
soften my will

tickle my toes
tantalize my thighs
innermost places those
kissed, feel so right

Yes, I remember.

they caressed my neck
whispered in my ear
teased my breasts
softened my will