Monday, December 04, 2006

Other People's Problems

I am hereby not down with O.P.P.

I feel honored and appreciated when my friends come to me with their problems. How nice of them to value my opinion. How grand that they want my help, and trust my guidance. But wtf is up with them always having problems? And wtf is up with them coming to me for answers and solutions and then saying to me in frustration, "You think you know everything."

First of all I do not, of course, know everything, neither do I pretend to know everything or think that I know everything. Secondly, do not come to me for suggestions if you're gonna pull that mess.

How do I get into these situations? I try to be helpful, but at the same time not be overbearing and allow people to depend on me too much. I am only human, and I will fail people just as they have failed me. I always encourage them to really think about their situation and explore what avenue will be best for them. I don't tell them which way to go, cuz I can only theorize and they know their own situations better than I do. I think some people don't mind being miserable.

I shall not stress. I shall not stress about my future and all of it's uncertainties. If all goes right, I will be graduating in May, and will be the first in my family to posess a Bachelor's degree. I want to go to Grad school, but I don't know if I'm ready on so many levels. I could work for a while, and try to move up in the company, get into the department I've been eyeing. Or I could go straight to Grad school and hopefully get that assistanceship, then do my Peace Corps service. Or just Peace Corps then Grad School. Really the possibilities are too many to list. But I shall not stress.

I shall not stress about negroes who will not act right, or any men for that matter. I found out that my aunt and uncle are getting a divorce. He is the only man she has ever been in a relationship with, they got married at 19. I always admired and respected him, and used him as a model of the ideal black man. He was a teacher and a successful football coach, took good care of his wife and children, and was a positive role model. Apparently he's been acting a fool lately, being unfaithful and such. So that's it. It makes me lose faith in Black men, but I shall not stress.

I shall not stress about the little (and big) things that life throws my way. I shall not stress about the cancer, my GPA, or anything. I WANT to enjoy my life. I WANT to make the best of every single day that I have! I want to be able to deal with the issues of my life without them causing me to go crazy and do thing to mess up my relationships with others, and to negatively affect my life. I want to be able to accept these issues as learning experiences, even though some will hurt and be difficult.

I will not stress, and I will not let OPP bring me down.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I cried today
-because I'm almost there
-because I don't know if I'm ready
-because I can't believe it
-and all she was doing was critiquing my resume
-and it made me feel so embarrased
-and it was so strange
-and maybe i shouldn't have
-and I probably had every right to
-because they think it's cancer
-because I can't cure cancer
-because I don't know if I can raise my GPA
-because I know I can raise my GPA
-because I know I have potential
-because I have so much to do
-because I'm happy
-because I'm proud of myself
-and I think it's because I'm on my period
-and it made me feel all girly and crap
-because of the little girl inside of me
-in front of that woman!
-and maybe I should do it again, but next time alone

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Today=Another Good Day
-This is about nothing.

I was looking at some thing online, I believe it was some type of horoscope birthday thing, and do you know what it told me? Hm, do you?

Of course you don't, but let me tell you. It said that I am a capricious lover. I
was taken aback!!
I was appalled!
I didn't know what capricious meant, but it musn't be good right?
Capricious: Characterized by or subject to whim; impulsive and unpredictable. He's such a capricious boss I never know how he'll react.

*grin* who meee?

Well, I think they were right. Now, I don't know too much about my characteristics as far as being a lover goes, because I don't mess with that L stuff, but I can identify this capriciousness (?) in my everyday life. That's why people don't get me, because I can't be gotten.

But I want someone to get me. I want someone to perhaps understand my capriciosness, and be able to attribute any irrational behavior to it. After all, am I really to blame? It's a personality flaw. . . or maybe it's not a flaw at all.

Annnyyyywhooooo, my new Boo *smilez* wants to take me to Peoria to celebrate my birthday. I'm a lil excited, but you know I don't do the excitement thing to much, so I'm just playin it cool. yup *sniff*.
I'm thinking that he might have the capacity to identify my capriciosness, but that he may very well posess that same quality deep down inside. Scary, cuz I can't deal with that mess. I hope we have a good time in P-town though, all capricious qualities aside.

P.S. I give thanks to the creator, giver, and sustainer of life for the blessings and balance that has been bestowed upon me. I request that you accept my offering of gratitude, given with a humble heart, as I am most grateful.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

This feeling is like being dressed in white cotton, running through a field with my arms wide-open in a fabric-softener commercial. And I love it :D

I haven't been posting too much lately. It's not that I don't want to, or that I have nothing to say, cuz these days LOTS has been on my mind. I just haven't been posting too much lately, no apologies made.

As of late, I have been enjoying and experiencing life in this strange way. Perhaps I'm getting close to Nirvana.
-Buddhism. The ineffable ultimate in which one has attained disinterested wisdom and compassion.
-Hinduism. Emancipation from ignorance and the extinction of all attachment.

-A place or state characterized by freedom from or oblivion to pain, worry, and the external world.

There is something too, about a freedom from desire, and I haven't got there yet. A sista stil tryin' to get her shop on lol. But really, I feel like I am learning how to master this life thing. How to manipulate my surroundings and even my mentality to maximize the joy and satisfaction I get out of life. I'm learning how to roll with the punches as they say. Almost like riding a horse. At first it was bumpy and awkward at times, even hard and jerky. But when you learn how to ride, rock your body, and flow with it, you still get the same bumps and jerks but you learn how to take them in stride.

I am mastering this flow. I still have many many tricks to learn and places and situations to explore, but instead of being timid and apprehensive, I am ready to take them on with confidence.

I love looking over my life and reflecting on my personal development. I went from an extremely shy and timid little girl to a confident and successful young woman. Amazing!!!

I love enjoying my extremely busy days. I finally came to the realization last week that I am doing. the. damn. thang!!! I didn't even know. I had to give myself a "you go girl" pat on the back cuz I am managing to hold it DOWN, and hey, somebody gotta give me my props, might as well be me.

I'm loving it, no doubt. I mean, I still have my share of struggles, but I'm just letting them build me and make me stronger instead of pushing me into the ground. It has been a bit difficult these past couple of weeks, no lie. I've done my best to keep myself up and sustain my peace on my own. I'm dealing with emotional and physical struggles as they come, and I can stand, balanced on two feet, with both arms in the air, face pointed towards the sun.

I'm loving it.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Said I'm Not Gon' Cry

I am successful. I am successful in that I have survived every single day of my life and am still here. I have taken each day at a time, walked each mile step by step and I have made it.
I have made it to today. But today is no time or place special. It's no birthday, anniversary, or milestone in my life, simply another day with joys to be experienced and struggles to overcome. Another day packed with thoughts and emotions.

I don't particularly like emotions. They are partially uncontrollable and certainly unpredictable at times. They make you. . .feeeel. Not only stimulated by events and memories, emotions can also be swayed by hormones! The tiniest fluctuation can create an emotional catastrope! Who needs that?

Like now, all I wanna do is write my paper on the value of a Liberal Arts education. That's all I wanna do. But instead I am forced to cope with emotions and even hold back tears. Now, let me tell you that nothing about Liberal Arts is saddening or heartwarming, so why this problem? In the computer lab of all places.

And why when I am alone and try to induce such tears (just to get it over with because I hate crying) with memories and pondering various circumstances, nothing at all happens? My mind is rational and makes its peace with the situation.

I hate feeling this way. I can't stand the fact that my eyes are leaking in the computer lab. But it is a part of my day. I have gone through worse, and I am sure that if I can make it through this one too, then I will again be successful.

Monday, August 21, 2006

What's the Matter Lizzy?

Only 2 people in my life have been able to get away with calling me Lizzy. One was an old deacon at my church in Chicago. Actually, he called me LizzyLizzy and even though I prefered Elizabeth over anything else, I didn't wanna be disrespectful by asking him to call me by my given name, especially seeing that I was only 6 or 7 years old. The other one is my beloved sister (from church) Roc. I don't know where she got the idea to call me Lizzy, but it works. For her.

She noticed that I looked troubled in church on Sunday, and I was indeed troubled. But let's take some good news first.

After I got off work on Friday (I think it was) my friend Jen and I decided to go to Meijer to do a lil' shopping. You know, make money, spend money. I almost didn't go because my hips and feet were hurting, but I wasn't ready to go home for the night, and she's always fun to be with. They were having some type of "College Night" and were giving away all kinds of stuff and were having karaoke as well. She was like "ooo Liz you should get up there!" I wasn't feeling it at first, but when I saw a woman singing "I Love Rock and Roll" as if she could care less about Rock and Roll, I decided I needed to work the crowd a lil' bit. I sang to Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop/That Thing" and the crowd was loving it!! LOL One guy was even bowing to me saying "I love you!" It was fun and they even made a CD of it (um, it's pretty much blackmail material). A woman came up to me afterwards and liked my performance so much that she wants to hire me to sing for a party she's having for her husband at Biaggi's. I don't really know if she heard the sound so much (cuz being karaoke, the quality was not great, plus a sista was not on her A game), but she liked what she heard and loved the way I interacted with the crowd. She gave me her number and, well, we'll be in touch lol.

I'm in school now, completing my LAST YEAR BABY!!!!! I'm excited but you know I can't get too excited cuz who knows, I just might fail this whole semester or something lol. I am looking forward to earning my Bachelor's degree and being the first in my family to graduate *Cheese*. All I know is that my family better be there and be actin a fool when I cross that stage!

Ohhh, also I saved over $200 on books by shopping on! (no, they didn't pay me to say that, though a free book might be nice for the free advertising on my behalf) I got 9 of the 12 books that I need for around $50. Now THATS how I shop!! Ya'll know me. . .

Also I am moved into my dorm (got a single this year ya'll!) which is a feat in itself. I am so dayum tired of moving this year! Got me feeling like I don't ever wanna move again. But that would leave me in Watterson for the rest of my life, thus being in Bloomington the rest of my life and we all know that's not how it's going down.

Yes there have been some good things going on in life lately. Some tough times too though. This summer has been life-changing. I would rather have saved all of that drama for my mama, but I love her too much for that.

Let us start with little miss fucking sonia. I guess this summer was my breaking point for trying to uphold our friendship through all of her bullshit. My breaking point for trying to love and care about her when she doesn't seem to wanna care about her own self. My breaking point for putting up with lies and disregard for me and our friendship. All of which she seemingly pretends to be oblivious to. "Liz, what are you talking about?" Funny how she can act so simple and get away with it. And she wonders why people tend to treat her like a child and want to protect her. It's cuz she acts like she can't think for her own dayum self, it's not so hard to figure out.

It's really quite a sad situation. We have been friends since 8th grade, best friends from 9th. That's 8 years of frienship! We have gone from naive teenagers drinking orange juice in the junior high cafeteria to our first day of high school and having our lockers close together to finally graduating from high school to going to different schools for college. We've been through happy times and success such as going to just about every formal dance together and working hard and winning awards at DECA. We've been through tough times such as death, financial hardships and family issues. Alla dat shyt. And so many times I felt as though my hand was overextended in the clasp to keep our friendship together, but I didn't mind so much. A friendship is a give and take. I felt closer to her than I did my own sister, much to my mother's dismay, but what did I care? This was my best friend! We'd never even had an argument, disagreements yes, but we knew how to settle them civilly. Who would have thought it would come to this?

Someone told me that she said I was too nosy of a friend, that I was always "up in her business". That could be true, but I wouldn't understand how seeing that I didn't know about anything that was going on in her life. She kept her secrets, as we all have a right to. How could she be offended when I sensed that she was up to something, and come to find out she really was? It hurt me that my own best friend felt that she had to conceal her true identity with lies so that I would think of her in a certain way. I had always accepted her for who she was. She was my best friend. I see right through that shyt anyway, which made it hurt even more. I guess ignorance is bliss. But perhaps I'm trying to pass on my values of maintaining a true and consistent character, especially with your closest friends. I can't force my values of honesty and trustworthiness on other people. How silly of me.

But I would be continually silly if I decided to stay in a relationship that caused me more pain than anything. That's just not healthy. When she told me that she was upset because she hadn't felt any support from me throughout her unexpected pregnancy situation, the hurt was definately deep. I have always done my very best to support her in whatever situation she is going through, this one being no exception. I have gone so far out of my way. . . When I was told that she said that she didn't get the abortion because noone would drive her there, I became fed-up with the lies!!! Who in the world did she ask to take her? Don't blame your damn problems on the world! I guess you didn't tell anybody that you didn't get the abortion because that' s not what you really wanted to do. You didn't know what the hell you wanted to do!!!! You were confused, as is natural, but you gon' blame the situation on somebody else? Namely your friends.

You have hurt me more than enough times, and you don't even know. You have no damn clue. So are SO fuckin clueless!! And I'm sorry, I take back what I said about being there for you no matter what. I never shoulda said that, and just like you predicted, you ran me away. You did a very good job of that too. I feel. . .Sonia I feel heartbroken. You have been a very intimate friend of mine for many years. We have gone through SOOOO much.

I miss my old best friend. I miss calling her on the phone, telling her who I saw from high school, and who's got a baby now, and who's gained so much weight, and what I did today, and how school is going and what my crazy mama said.

We shared our lives
Now a part of my life is missing.

It's hard for me. Hard to move into a new house and my old best friend has no idea where it is. Hard to not pick up the phone and dial her number. Hard to be so upset to never want to be her friend again. Hard to be so dayum mad that I wanna get into a fist fight with her and let out all my anger on her puny little body. But I'd do it. I even dreamed about it.

I miss her like I miss singing in church. I miss singing in church!!! I miss worshipping and praising a God that I had no doubts about, who had proven Himself to me as a deliverer and provider. I miss not questioning Him. I miss being excited about Him. I miss praying to Him. I miss Him.

It is difficult to deal with the loss of such important elements of my very being, especially considering the loss is voluntary. I have chosen to let these things go for the time being. I could pick up the friendship again. I could easily go back to doing all the things I enjoyed in the church. But I don't. I don't want to do anything that could be unhealthy for me emotionally, physically, or spiritually. I don't want to do anything just because I'm in the habit of doing it and be hypocritical and unbelieving. I refuse.

So for now, I am here, doing my best to keep myself together and be whole in spite of my losses.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Grades Don't Equal Knowledge!! We Want MORE From College!!

Story of a college protest performed by S.A.S.Q.U.A.T.C.H- Students Answering Sociological Questions United And Together Challenging Hierarchy

We, the members of the Sociology of Social Movements 366 class, arewithdrawing from the final as currently designed. The class will not complywith the final examination because it is our unanimous belief that we haveaptly proven our understanding of social movements. We demand that ourknowledge of this course be recognized through our ability to organize andwork together for a common cause, as opposed to rote memorization oftheories, facts and repeating information we have previously demonstratedknowledge of. The class, over the past four months, has displayed, throughbriefs and daily discussion, a strong grasp of different forms of socialmovements and how they function in society.

The class has been aggrieved over the entirety of the course by a powerstructure which denies any form of democratic decision making. The illusionof democracy in the form of a vote for the type of final examination willnot appease our desire for free choice in our education because a thirdoption – which we are demonstrating today – was not available to us. Wewill not comply with an examination with which students have no influence.

We believe that grades do not accurately reflect the knowledge learned bystudents; the traditional A-F grading system and traditional testing is anelitist system under which students of varying abilities and backgrounds arenot always tested the way that they learn best. Grades instill unnecessarycompetition amongst students in a classroom, school, or university setting.Finally *but most importantly*, traditional grading systems place emphasison the outcome (ie: A, B, etc) rather than placing emphasis on the processof learning and increasing knowledge for knowledge's sake.

The current design of our exam leaves us subject to what we believe is aninsufficient evaluation of what we have learned in this course. No longerwill we, as students, stand by and accept a classroom structure in whichprofessors have absolute power and discretion. Without our complianceprofessors have no power; they have no form of income which we pay in theform of tuition, they have no audience, and they have no support which weprovide in the form of assistantships.

Through the use of email and group meetings to facilitate collaboration andorganization, we have already answered the final exam questions (see attached). Further proof of our understanding of the coursework is,paradoxically, evident through our refusal to participate in it as currentlydesigned. We are participating in a social movement that has developed dueto our current situation in society. We have come to understand our commonplight as students and through classroom discussion and common hardship wehave gained solidarity. We are collectively acting to change the currentstructure of power.

We are assembling in a nonviolent protest directly outside Schroeder Hall. Weask that you recognize this protest as a demonstration of our knowledge fromthis course. We are moving from theory into action, and respectfullyrequest that you consider this movement our final exam.

And that's exactly what we did. We marched and protested on the quad, held up our signs and chanted in opposition to "the Man."
1-2-3-4! We won't take finals anymore!
5-6-7-8! Down with grades at Illinois State!
This is what University looks like!
Choice in education! Not regurgitation!

He bargained with us. Said if we'd stop protesting he'd give us all C's for the final exam. Say what?

We're not mediocre! We are thought provokers!

After a while, we ended up taking our protest inside and staging a sit-in inside the office of the Department of Sociology. We bargained and pleaded our case, and finally won. We got our instructor to recognize our protest as a demonstration of our knowledge instead of taking a final exam, and recieved full points. He acted tough, but in all actuality he was so impressed with our organizing, solidarity, and techniques. He tried to drive a hard bargain, but even for him it was tough to be "the man" since he is a bit radical himself.

So for victory's sake, I will end with a chant of my own, brought back from the archives of second grade.

We won, We won, we shot the BB Gun!!

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Aww Hell to the Naw!!!

You done done it now.

You know what chick? This whole group project you have been gettin on my nerves. This whole time!!

It started with us not being able to agree on simple things, such as the wording on some concepts, and which things to include/exclude from different sections.

You condescendingly said, "Huh, you must be a perfectionist."
I would think that a group would appreciate that.

Then I really thought I'd had it with you when you said that because I told you we needed to change the wording of the questionnaire for it to make sense because everything that is written should make sense, you said, "Well, you're in the wrong major then."

What the hell? you gon' question my competency in my major? A major that requires a lot of writing, and I want to make sure that my writing makes sense? Oh no you didn't. Oh, but yes you did, however we still had plenty more work to do, so I was willing to let it slide.

Now I am really pissed. da. fugg. off. You gon' send me this email:

Thank you for sending the assignment to me, however i do not appreciate you altering my work. if you had a problem with it you should have contacted me. Also, the way you changed the limitations is worse than the way i had orginally done the assingment because you speak of an incentive which is not mentioned in the paragraph. Next time you decide on your own to change someone else's work, i suggest you contact them first. If you had wanted to do those parts in which i was assigned you could have done this whole project by your self. Understood??Sincerely,

Are you muthafuggin kidding me? First of all let me state that I could care less whether or not you care that I altered your work. I had problems with it, but hmm should I contact you at 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. when I'm working on it when it was YOU who complained that I even sent emails that late, as you wouldn't get to check them. Secondly, I changed the limitations section becuase the way in which you wrote it did NOT correspond with the rest of the project. It would have gotten us SO many points taken off, you think I'm not gonna correct it? It's not like I re-wrote the whole thing!! It's not like I even re-wrote it! As far as suggestions go, I suggest that you not speak to me like I'm your child. I am doing my best to refrain from using the B-word, cuz I don't believe in calling women that, but I am sure looking for an alternative. No, I didn't want to do the parts you were assigned, that's why I assigned them to you. And had I done the parts assigned you, I would still not have been doing the whole project by myself, but maybe next time I should.

Your pissed off group member

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Getting My Life Together

I am 20 years old. I need to get my life together.

20 might sound like a young age, I mean, it is the first thing after the 'teen years', but this is how I think of being 20 years old:

Right now I'm 20. Before I know it I will be 25, and 25 is not too far from 30. By 30 I should definately be established in my career, have a home, vehicle, possibly a family. If I don't have a hint of any of those things by the age of 25, then something is seriously wrong. If I don't start working toward those things by the age of 20, by the time I turn 30 I will seriously be screwed.

I mean, I should get my Bachelor's by the age of 21. If I follow my plan A, I will have my first year of Grad School done by 22, then my Peace Corps service will be done by 24, finishing my Masters at age 25. Having Peace Corps and a Master's degree under my belt, a job/potential career shouldn't be too difficult to get ahold of, so I give myself about 3 years to find that career that I will be at for the majority of my adult years. If I have my career by 28, I will roll into my 30's without any problem.

Well, at least hopefully not any problems career-wise. I mean, you've got your variables such as sickness, family issues, pregnancy, job outlook. . .etc. But if I do my best to get my life together now, those variables won't throw me off as much.

Now, at this moment in time, RIGHT NOW I need to get my life together on a short-term note. This time leading up to finals can potentially drive me to take medication if I don't manage my time well (I need to be on a Facebook diet) and get stuff done. For example, I need to work extra hard to read these 200 pages of a book about the theory of the evolution of the gay/lesbian rights movement as both an identity movement and a social movement. Yeah. And write a paper on it that' s due Tuesday. Yeah. So here's how I think about it:

If I don't read this book, I could still try and do the paper on it, and get another (yes, another) D, or I could not do the paper at all, get an F, then for sure not raise my grade in the class. I'd probably get a D out of the class, which would lower the GPA I'm trying to raise in order to get into grad school by the age of 21. . . .you can see where this is going. (Slippery slope? yes. I always do this.)

So basically, if I don't read this book I could seriously be messing up my chances of getting into grad school. That's how I think of it.

Hey, I'm 20. It's time. I gotta get my life together.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Yo-Yo (ma?)

I saw a commercial the other day for Duncan Yo-Yo's. I guess yo-yoing is trying to make a comeback, cuz seriously I don't think I've seen one YEARS. I used to have one as a kid, took me forever to learn how to use the thing. It just didn't work for me. Now I can yo-yo just fine, but none of that trick stuff, just up and down.

But I realized something while watching that commerical. My yo-yoing skills have evolved my friends. They have evolved into something that I would have never forseen.

I think I yo-yo men.

Don't laugh at me!! I can see you laughing, and maybe it is a little funny. Don't be shaking your head either. I just came upon this realization.

To use the yo-yo metaphor, the man, I'll have him in my hand, everything is cool. Then goes the execution. Give a "this isn't working" speech, and drop'em like a bad habit (except I'm still holding on to the string). I let that sucka GO, and the involvement plummets towards the ground.

Then. . . a week or 2 later I'm making that "what's up witcha, wanna get together?" phonecall. Going in for the re-collection. I'm taking it back up like the yo-yo idiot that I am, but just waiting and waiting for that next drop. *sigh*

Just a-up and down, up and down. I don't mean to, it honestly just kinda happens!

I need a support group. "Hi, my name is Eliz. . .and I. . I yo-yo men"

Hm, I guess while I'm at it I might as well learn some tricks right? :D

Monday, April 03, 2006

Ohana means Family

noone left behind or forgotten. . .

1. A group of blood relatives, especially parents and their children.
2. A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children.

As far back as I can remember, I have had issues with this whole "family" concept. Yes, I knew who my family was, but something always seemed to be missing. It seemed like "family" as I knew it to be from TV and various conversations was this beautiful bond between blood-related people. It was something that consisted of love, appreciation, care, and unity. Mamas? No, you know you don't talk about nobody's mama! That's your heart. Daddies? You know they'll be there to play catch and have 'talks' with their sons and to (over)protect their daughters. Siblings? Hate'm and love'm, never let anybody (anybody besides you, that is) mess with them. Aunts/Uncles? You gotta respect them just like your parents, but they are usually either much cooler and let you get away with stuff, but everybody has that mean a** auntie and that crazy uncle. Cousins? Ride or die. Almost like having automatic friends and a crew when you need backup.

But family wasn't like that for me.

Mama? Hey fool, you don't even know my mama, shut up! Daddy? What daddy? You mean the one locked up or this mean dude who came to live with us? Siblings? Well, she is her Daddy's child. . . Aunts/Uncles? Maternal ones need medication. Step auntie is bourgeiose and saddity, uncle is cooler than a fan. Cousins? See ya'll next year at Thanksgiving *waves*.

Where is that solidarity? Where is that unity, that "We are family, nothing can keep us apart"? I missed out on that part.

I suppose you could say I became a bit "hardened" and came not to expect such an idealized family image at an early age. So when my mother and stepfather would try to do "family" things (you know, like eating dinner together, a family meeting, or something equally ridiculous) it was VERY uncomfortable for me. "WHY are you DOING THIS?!?" I would ask myself, and then become frustrated with this forced family activity thing. But while I put other things in my life to replace that "family feeling" I thought I should have been getting, I never denied my family its familial rights. After all, we are family.

All that being calmly said,


what did i do to you? hm? what did I fuckin DO?????? tell me that, because I think I deserve to know! And please don't give me that jive shit talkin bout "nothing" because it's not "nothing" that makes you take away my damn key when I live there!!! It's not "nothing that makes you take a family portrait without me in it!!

OK OK OK you know what? you say that you don't agree with some of the decisions I'm making in life. What you disagree with is me not coming to church, but you are not listening to my rationale!!! I have a rationale! did I say that i'm never coming back to church? hm? NO. but you don't hear that, cuz you're not listening. I see how you don't wanna deal with "folks who don't want anything to do with the Lord", and apparently you are mistakenly grouping me into that category. and that's it. I know if i was going to church every day right now you would be happy.

so i guess now you don't wanna deal with me. you took my key away. to me that says that you don't want me in your house anymore, that your home is not my home, and i am not welcome there. it's not even about the key itself, because the key is merely symbolic. and I could deal with that.

Today we were supposed to take family pictures. i was all dressed up. i made sure to make time in my schedule, cuz i know its something u've been wanting to do. i left my group meeting with work still to be done to meet you, and you didn't come to get me. I waited an HOUR. come to find out ya'll went ahead and took the damn pictures. sans me, the eldest daughter. three of us in the damn family, only 2 in the pic. that PISSED ME THE HELL OFF! Not only did you waste my precious ass time (cuz i have SO much to do!) but then you spit in my face by excluding me. talkin bout something happened to the car, and you didn't wanna drive over to this side of town. but you went ahead and drove to the mall. and you drove back to work after that. and you were driving around after work, even driving around on my side of town. try to appease me by dropping off the sewing machine, or trying to smash dirt in my face by showing me that the car is fine and woulda been fine enough to come get me like you were supposed to?

symone talkin bout the pics didnt look right. what you expect with a big ass HOLE (whether physical or mental) where I'm supposed to be!!!

I allowed my feelings to be hurt and let tears fall like a lil' biatch for about one and a half minutes, definately not more before I pulled myself together, cleared my throat and woo-sah'd myself to regain my peace. And now, i've blogged about it, and that's the end.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Gimme a Reason

Why do I do the things I do?
*shrug* Don't ask me!

Ever since I was little I can remember getting in trouble for answering, "I don't know" to my stepfather's drilling questions. Imagine 7 or 8 year old me with a grown man yelling in my face asking me why I did this or that. Why did I not turn in my homework assignments? I don't know. Why was I talking in class? I don't know. Why didn't I fold the clothes in my drawers? I don't know!

Then I would get, "Everything has a reason, so what' s your reason?" or, "You DO know". But when I would timidly explain WHY I didn't do what I was supposed to, or WHY I did something wrong, I got in trouble! Why didn't I turn in the homework? Cuz I didn't do it. Why didn't I do it? Cuz I didn't feel like it. Oh wait, now I'm talking back. "I don't know" serves me much better thank you.

But really, sometimes I don't know why I do what I do. I just do some things because I want to. And really, does everything need an explanation? I thinketh not. Sometimes it is simply too difficult to examine why you do what you do because the reasons are beyond your scope of knowledge.

Let's bring it home to the real issue at hand, which is my relationship with Friendboy. I have made the decision (again, but for real this time *wink*) to let this 'thing' go. Then someone asks me why I'm in this relationship in the first place. To be honest, no reasons came to mind. Why did I, ELR, get involved with this dude on a 'friendship with benefits' level? Did I desire a friendship with benefits? Not really. Was it because I was merely looking for benefits? Nope, can't say that's it. It was like eating something because it's in front of you. Not because you're hungry or have an appetite, but just becuase it's there. Some people call that greedy, so in that case maybe you could say I'm in this because I'm greedy.

But now I want out. I want to stop eating because it's just not that good, and I don't desire it anymore. The relationship just doesn't suit me, and my needs are not being met. So I need to let it go.

The sad thing is, letting go is difficult especially when I don't have anything dramatic that is swaying me to stay or go. If my needs were being met and I felt fulfilled by being with him, I would definately stay. If we had a fight or he pushed me over the edge, I would definately go. But now. . .it's nothing extreme at all, and sometimes I find myself going back for the same reason that I got in this in the first place. That reason that I don't know.

But this time, I'm comitted to leaving it alone, and I even have reasons why! But why I got in it in the first place, the world may never know.

Monday, March 20, 2006

He's No Melody

He's no complicated, off-key melody
the song that can't be sang the same way twice.

He is the poetry to my flow
He knows the words to the tune I wrote

And as our thoughts twist, turn, tumble, rubix-cube rumble,
all colored squares fall together on the same sides

Yin and Yang fuse together in their balanced harmonies as great minds do what they do
cuz, that's just what ours do

Telepathic connections stronger than the ocean tides that separate us
And those tides play their part
We must just
continue to ride this tangled web of communication, for we always seem to meet at the same point in time as our minds see fit

and let our fingers do our minds' dirty work

But see, I can only tap into the melody
my heart sings this grateful, happy, sad, longing song
of trials, injustices, rights, wrongs, theories, prophecies, and everything inbetween
And each note drifts into the wind, colored, solid, and strong

It is he who writes the score
and turns simple sincere sweet melodies into classic literature
Concisely assigning his divine dictation to every single note with authority
cuz he knows what he's talkin bout

And together, if anyone it is we who have the authority
to direct the greatest of operas and symphonies
Tchiakovsky, Beethoven, and Chopin have nothing on us!
Our work can piece the ears and hearts and move the bodies of the masses
We too can make them lean, rock, snap their fingers, slide and/or cha-cha, dip, roll, and get low, all for the cause

But, we'll just keep writing our own songs.


Thursday, March 09, 2006

Ah, Those Tender Kisses

caress my neck
whisper in my ear
tease my breasts
soften my will

tickle my toes
tantalize my thighs
innermost places those
kissed, feel so right

Yes, I remember.

they caressed my neck
whispered in my ear
teased my breasts
softened my will


Tuesday, February 28, 2006

If you had a baby with him, would you keep it?

*sigh* it has come again to that time that every sexually active female has experienced at one time or another.

What if I'm pregnant?!?

Not that I think that I am, but there is always that irrational fear, especially when that fear has a possibility of being true. Stuff that wouldn't normally worry you so much gets you MAD thinking. "hmm, I have been really tired lately. Why am I so hungry? Ugh, I feel nauseated. Could I be. . .???"

Fellas, TRUST it is an awful feelng and if you and your girl are knockin' da boots, I can assure you that she's thought about it. She has also played out in her head if she would keep the child and how the situation would affect her life. Will the guy take responsibility? Am I going to be a single parent? What about my career/schooling? What are my family/friends going to think? Would my baby be cute? (lol ok that one is minor).

I was asked if I would keep the child in the COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL situation that Friendboy and I had one, and of course I would. I mean, I would keep it anyway, but I do think that Friendboy is a decent candidate for fatherhood. However, the thought saddens me. I don't want to be connected to him for the rest of my life for that reason.

Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy. Just today I was talking to his sister and she told me he was taking her out for her birthday tomorrow. How sweet is that? It got me thinking how much I would love to have a big brother to do the same for me. I've always wanted a big brother, and I think one of the main reasons why has to do with the whole absentee father issue *shakes fist at father* BLAST!!

One of my main relationship concerns is whether or not I am looking for a person to kind of replace that fatherly role, and I would have to say that part of me is. I want that person who will take care of me, love me, comfort me, and provide for me even though I don't need him to. The person who can see through my tough skin to my heart. As LL Cool J said, "I need LOVE". Now, let's clarify before we get too far. I am not looking for love, neither do I plan/desire to find it ANYTIME soon, but one day yes. I do want a man who desires to take care of me and showers me with attention and in turn I will do the same for him. I would have no problem at all "catering to" a man who took care of my needs.

But, uuuum. . .He's not that man. While he has many good carachteristics (sp?), I don't think he can handle my very special needs. Especially not now. To be honest, he can't handle the simple needs now, like giving me attention (and I don't ask for much. just give a sista a call ery now and then) so I know the complex ones would be WAY out of the question in the event that something happened to bring us closer together. As a matter of fact, the thought of it is making me sad right now.

So, the smart and rational thing to do would be to leave him alone so that nothing of the sort ever happens *nod*. As a matter of fact, I have vowed not to call him again until he gets his keep-in-touch act together (I mean, can I at least get a message on my Facebook wall?). Okay, kinda broke that rule last night when the roomie was gonna be gone and I wanted some company, but I get to break the rule once.

But anyway, yea I'd keep it. But hopefully we won't have to worry about anything of the sort.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Ay, Dios Mio. . .ADM/OMG

Today I had my first spanish exam in my conversation and culture class. I was a little nerviosa, I'll admit. I mean, I'm only 100% confident in my spanish speaking abilities when talking to. . .well, non-spanish speakers. They are always impressed and yes, sometimes when I'm flowing in espanol to a non-speaker I might throw in some words that don't even fit right if I can't find the word I'm looking for. It's true, and they don't know the difference either way lol. However, seeing that this was an oral exam (hence the conversation part of the class), I couldn't very well do that with the teacher. So, she spreads out these notecards and tells me to chose 2, as each are about a different assignment that we've read, and we will discuss one of them. Hm, just so happens that both of the cards I picked I knew JACK about because they were covered before I got to class (since I came 2 weeks later). I picked the card on "fiestas religiosas" because I figured I knew a lil sum' sum' about it, but I was generalizing like a MUG.

"Pick a religious fiesta and describe it"

Ohhhkay. Hmm lets see. Cinco de Mayo? No no. Er, Quincenera? NO. Gah. Ok I know!!! Three King's Day!. Describe it? "Um, well, there is lots of music and dancing. There is food and they exchange gifts." Precision at its best my dears. Not only is it difficult to improvise with little background knowledge, but to do it in Espanol!? She's looking at me, smiling and encouraging and I can see behind her eyes this "She is so BS'ing". Perhaps it was mirrored from my "I am so BS'ing" expression *shrug*.

Thankfully, it somehow came out of mis labios that I wasn't there for this lecture, so she picked a different card that I definately knew about. "Oh Si!!!" And I began to ramble on and on. What a relief. I got a few points taken off for details of the particular events, but I got full points for fluency and articulation. Yeea Boyee!

On another page, while peeping the Vidette today, I came across an article talking about the campus radio station.

"WZND focuses on cultural appreciation" I read, and I'm thinking GREAT!! I'm all about the appreciation of culture. Then I read, ""Because it is Black History Month we wanted to run something with diversity, but we didn't want to only focus on African Americans ".

What are you talking about?! Black History Month is about Black History. While diversity is great, and I definately encourage it, BHM has to do with BLACK history. If you're going to connect your little program with BHM, make it about Black folk. Simple. ADM!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Ohhh (Friend)Boy
(Lemme break it down)

I consider myself as having always been honest with you. I think that honesty is indeed the best policy, and I simply don't have the deisre within me to decieve someone like you. Having said that, allow me to be honest and please take my words for what they are, as they are.

I like you.

Ok, not a surprise I hope. I say this because I want you to know this, I truly do like you. I think you are such an interesting person, from your background to your present, and even the thought of what the future holds for you is interesting to me. I like you because you are both smart and intelligent (and no, the two are not synonomous) and I believe that allows you to see past the superficiality of many aspects of life that people are turned off by.

That's a turn on.

You are a great person to converse with about deep social, political, and moral issues. Your viewpoints are excellent, and you express them well. In fact, I love the way you express yourself verbally. I could start a conversation just to get you going so I could listen to you talk, and hear what you have to say. There is something intriguing about your words, the way you arrange them, and where they come from as a result of your frame of reference.

It really is a turn on.

I also like the fact that I can, well, read you. I think its a very special thing when a person can read into your soul, and know the unspoken intricacies of your being. I know where your buttons are, what they are, and how to push them with the precise amount of pressure. I must say, one reason I like this is because I feel that it gives me a tremendous amount of power over you. As much as I enjoy that power, please believe that I will not intentionally abuse it unless. . .unless the situation calls for it :) Anyway, I enjoy being able to "read you" because I feel like I have a special insight to who you are and I kinda like what I see.

And that's about it. That's why I like you. I don't like you because you're so foine or anything (which yes, you are handsome). I don't like you because I think you're sexy, or funny, or particularly nice. I don't like you because of your style (*note-burn that dayum do-rag!), or the way you smell, or any of that. Those factors might be some things I like about you, but they are not reasons WHY I like you. Perhaps because I consider them to be superficial, easily changeable, and overall relatively unimportant. I like you for who you are, and I think that is why we have had a good friendship so far.

Now, however, after straddling the fence for a while, we have now crossed the boundaries of mere friendship. I cannot say that this was either intentional or nonintentional on my part. Nevertheless, boundaries have now been crossed, and I wonder where we go from here. Its actually a little strange for me being on this side of the fence, as I am still looking to the friendship side where the grass is far greener instead of facing my own lawn.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

My Funny Valentine. . .
Sweet comic Valentine

It's almost that time of year again (why is it that single folks refer to it with such dread?) when people are starting to get all lovey-dovey and buy items that are red and unnecessarily plastered with hearts for the ones they love. Ahh, Valentine's day.

Disclaimer: I am not bitter.

Its just that I would love to be someone's Valentine. I've never been anyone's valentine, with the exception of the 20-30 some odd kids in my elementary school classes each year. But heey, I'm grown now right? I am ready for a Real Valentine.

I am ready for him to call me early on February the 14th and wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. I am ready to meet him for lunch (I do breakfasts, brunches, and dinners as well) where he will present me with flowers and a card (cuz let's face it, Valentine's day is really all about the ladies). He will smile in my face, and I will smile in his, and we shall have a Happy Valentine's day together.

I desire to be swept off my feet and romanced without the ulterior motive of tryin to get in them draws. I desire to be genuinely desired and to be held in high esteem by some man who is equally deserving of my affection.

Perhaps that's where the problem comes in, the whole "equally deserving of my affection" idea. I can honestly say that there are not many, if any, men who fit this description. Are my standards too high? I'm sure they probably are, but they shall not be lowering at all any time soon, if ever.

I can wait for my Valentine, but hopefully when he comes it will be for more than just a day.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Why Dost Thou Hate Me So?!?!?

Here it is, only three days into the semester and I am already coming up on fairly significant roadblocks in my educational journey. Someone has it in for me people, someone has it in for me.

As of now, homegirl yours truly has only registered for 9 credit hours. I was planning on taking 15, but I need at least 12 to be a full-time student and maintain my peace of mind. Ok, I haven't lost my peace of mind, but you know what I'm saying. I desperately wanted to get into a Spanish class, so that I can get started on my minor, seeing that I only have to take 3 classes to complete it. Cool right? Nah. After talking to the advisor who said that registering for the classes would be no problem for me, I went ahead and tried to register.

Ssssskkrrrrrrttttt!!!! eh-eh. NO.

The class was only open to register for majors/minors in the program and Spanish wasn't officially my minor. I couldn't even apply for the minor until January (reminder-put on to-do list) so I don't know why she told me that it would be fine. I emailed her for an override, only to find out I have to get an override from the professors. Okay cool. So here it is, a couple of days before classes start and I'm trying to get an override from the profs. One gave some made up answer that was essentially a big NO, and the other had already given 2 overrides, but said I could attend the class and wait for someone to drop.


So I keep checking the course registration like a fiend, hoping and praying that a spot opens up, because if not, what in the world am I supposed to do? I considered taking a class at Heartland, but I can't even seem to figure out when their late registration ends. I could even take a class at Lincoln, but Lo and Behold, they have no kinda classes for me to be taking. So, true to my fiendish nature, I check the course registration again tonight.

WHAT!? WHAT IS THIS?!? Could my eyes be deceiving me, or could this really be real? One seat open in the spanish class that I need?! HALLELUJAH!!!

I rushed to the registry portal to grab this class before anyone else could get to it when. . .

Sssskkrrrttttt!!! eh-eh. NO!

Registry unavailable they said. Financial Delinquincies they said. Mayn, I'm tellin you I coulda smacked this Dell P.C. right offa this table and gave it something to cry about. I desperately need this class, and I have to do something by tomorrow. I WILL be at the financial aid office first thing crusty eye hair tied morning breath with orange juice bright and early in the morning so they can get my ish straight and hopefully my class will still be there.