Ohana means Family

noone left behind or forgotten. . .


fam·i·ly
1. A group of blood relatives, especially parents and their children.
2. A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children.

As far back as I can remember, I have had issues with this whole "family" concept. Yes, I knew who my family was, but something always seemed to be missing. It seemed like "family" as I knew it to be from TV and various conversations was this beautiful bond between blood-related people. It was something that consisted of love, appreciation, care, and unity. Mamas? No, you know you don't talk about nobody's mama! That's your heart. Daddies? You know they'll be there to play catch and have 'talks' with their sons and to (over)protect their daughters. Siblings? Hate'm and love'm, never let anybody (anybody besides you, that is) mess with them. Aunts/Uncles? You gotta respect them just like your parents, but they are usually either much cooler and let you get away with stuff, but everybody has that mean a** auntie and that crazy uncle. Cousins? Ride or die. Almost like having automatic friends and a crew when you need backup.

But family wasn't like that for me.

Mama? Hey fool, you don't even know my mama, shut up! Daddy? What daddy? You mean the one locked up or this mean dude who came to live with us? Siblings? Well, she is her Daddy's child. . . Aunts/Uncles? Maternal ones need medication. Step auntie is bourgeiose and saddity, uncle is cooler than a fan. Cousins? See ya'll next year at Thanksgiving *waves*.

Where is that solidarity? Where is that unity, that "We are family, nothing can keep us apart"? I missed out on that part.

I suppose you could say I became a bit "hardened" and came not to expect such an idealized family image at an early age. So when my mother and stepfather would try to do "family" things (you know, like eating dinner together, a family meeting, or something equally ridiculous) it was VERY uncomfortable for me. "WHY are you DOING THIS?!?" I would ask myself, and then become frustrated with this forced family activity thing. But while I put other things in my life to replace that "family feeling" I thought I should have been getting, I never denied my family its familial rights. After all, we are family.

All that being calmly said,

WHY DA HELL YOU GON' TAKE A DAMN FAMILY PICTURE WITHOUT ME IN IT MUH-FUCKAS?!!!????!!!!

what did i do to you? hm? what did I fuckin DO?????? tell me that, because I think I deserve to know! And please don't give me that jive shit talkin bout "nothing" because it's not "nothing" that makes you take away my damn key when I live there!!! It's not "nothing that makes you take a family portrait without me in it!!

OK OK OK you know what? you say that you don't agree with some of the decisions I'm making in life. What you disagree with is me not coming to church, but you are not listening to my rationale!!! I have a rationale! did I say that i'm never coming back to church? hm? NO. but you don't hear that, cuz you're not listening. I see how you don't wanna deal with "folks who don't want anything to do with the Lord", and apparently you are mistakenly grouping me into that category. and that's it. I know if i was going to church every day right now you would be happy.

so i guess now you don't wanna deal with me. you took my key away. to me that says that you don't want me in your house anymore, that your home is not my home, and i am not welcome there. it's not even about the key itself, because the key is merely symbolic. and I could deal with that.

Today we were supposed to take family pictures. i was all dressed up. i made sure to make time in my schedule, cuz i know its something u've been wanting to do. i left my group meeting with work still to be done to meet you, and you didn't come to get me. I waited an HOUR. come to find out ya'll went ahead and took the damn pictures. sans me, the eldest daughter. three of us in the damn family, only 2 in the pic. that PISSED ME THE HELL OFF! Not only did you waste my precious ass time (cuz i have SO much to do!) but then you spit in my face by excluding me. talkin bout something happened to the car, and you didn't wanna drive over to this side of town. but you went ahead and drove to the mall. and you drove back to work after that. and you were driving around after work, even driving around on my side of town. try to appease me by dropping off the sewing machine, or trying to smash dirt in my face by showing me that the car is fine and woulda been fine enough to come get me like you were supposed to?

symone talkin bout the pics didnt look right. what you expect with a big ass HOLE (whether physical or mental) where I'm supposed to be!!!

I allowed my feelings to be hurt and let tears fall like a lil' biatch for about one and a half minutes, definately not more before I pulled myself together, cleared my throat and woo-sah'd myself to regain my peace. And now, i've blogged about it, and that's the end.