Wednesday, November 30, 2005

2006: What shall the future hold?

2ra and I were talking the other night about our goals/resolutions (I prefer calling them goals) for 2006. She aims for financial stability which I think is a great goal, especially for a 21 yr. old. The jurl is getting her focus on! I likes that ;)

As for me. . .I don't really know what to expect out of 2006, or what to plan for. I usually don't do the whole resolution thing but goal making is a new part of my repertoire. I've been turning over in my head what my goals should be for '06.

Whatever I do in '06, I want to make it a big year. I want it to be a year that when I'm done with it, I won't have to strain to remember what happened in it (as I have with '05) because life changing things will be going down. I want to make it a year of much personal growth. Of course, each goal needs a game plan.

First, I plan on removing the negativity. People, attitudes, even personal behaviors that I despise all need to be purged. I purge negativity on an as needed basis, but '06 is gonna be the year when stuff is gonna straight get CUT OFF if it's bringing me down. I refuse to flirt with negativity and entertain its vices.

I plan on adding positivity. I will surround myself with positive-minded and goal oriented people. People who are going places and making moves. Individuals who are intellectual and conscious and who will add substance to my life. I also plan on making moves of my own. I will be working less, and will have more time to devote to my studies and extra-curricular activities that I would like to do such as volunteering, and focusing more on my duties at church.

I plan on getting professionally involved in my field-Sociology. Fall '06 will mark the beginning of my Senior year *butterflies* and I definately need to be getting experience in by then. Hopefully an internship in the summer, and perhaps a job might open up from that, or from another avenue.

I plan on traveling. I already have a destination in mind, but I'm keeping it low until I get more details. I will however be going somewhere for a period of at least a few weeks. A month would be nice, but you know, school and all.

I plan on being more focused. I definately need to be academically focused, especially since I plan on graduating on time. I need also to be spiritually focused, as my spirituality is a major pat of my being. I need to STAY saved, and to continue to strengthen my spiritual walk with God and carry out his will. I cannot afford to neglect this aspect. I also plan to be more focused in my work, and to strengthen my work ethic (this will be difficult).

I almost forgot. I definately plan on finding and applying to a graduate school *bites nails*. A little scary to think of, but I'm looking forward to it.

At the moment, this is all I can think of, but this is plenty to start with. Playtime is over, and it's high time to be making positive and productive changes in my life.

Lets do this in 2006.

Monday, November 28, 2005

couldn't believe I'd found this school
couldn't believe it was so ME
can't believe i wanted it so bad
I was willing to ignore the $32,000 tuition
And the teeny tiny size
because i knew it was the key to my future
and that admission meant that I was smart
probably smarter than them
and I would show ALL OF THEM
that i was gonna be somebody
and that my fears of not being successful
were foolish nightmares
like those of the boogeyman

But i didn't wanna know if my nightmares might come true
so instead of you not chosing me
i didnt choose you.
She misses having me as a friend.
what an honor
it makes me feel special but
it's a little hard being that friend
she looks to me to show her the way
and sometimes
i ain't goin the right way
or even how
it makes me sad to see her move in with her boyfriend
because she thinks she's in love
and wants to have his baby
and let him stop her from going to school
even though he's a drug dealer
and hurts her when they have sex, but she won't tell him
and i see the sparkle in her brown eyes
and the potential in her smiling freckled face
and I don't want to be the friend who couldn't help her.
I realize that
all of my words
narrations and
will not give you much of an insight.

I also realize that
though you may walk
5 and a half days in my Payless shoes
your feet will still not be flat and wide.

You feel me?
When I Drink Cola

Upon the first swig, my mouth is rushed with the sensation of aproximately 15,027 tiny, cold, vibrating bubbles.
I am shocked until the sugar gently rolls upon my tongue.
The dark
syrupy liquid
trickles down my throat,
and the cold bubbly caffeine calms my nerves.
PepsiCocaRC tastes good to me.
You are asking for too much.

I am supposed to be writing this paper for my minority relations class. It's very interesting, as it is an autobiography and I for one enjoy telling my story from my point of view and explaining they why's and how's because nobody can tell it like me. (Hence the blog,-Let Me Tell You). So I'm thinking autobiography? Cool, bring it on! I knows my story! But this woman is asking for TOO MUCH.

The paper is 4-5 pages (no sweat). She wants us to examine how our race, class, gender, and sexual identities have formed who we are (no sweat). But to do all of that in only 4-5 pages? That is too much. I just got done with race and gender (um, should I cite myself from using 2 gender paragraphs from a previous autobiography??) and I'm already at a full 3 pages. I adjusted the margins, so I might be able to fit a small paragraph at the bottom of the third page. How many pages is it gonna take for me to say that I'm Black, po (yes, po), female, and straight? I could crank out at least 6-7 *shrug*.

I'm usually that person changing the font to arial (mmhm, just a lil bit bigger), fixing the side margins to 1.25 instead of 1 inch, separating paragraphs, and placing extra ENTERs after my heading and title just to get a lil more page length. Now I'm reducing margins, taking out ENTERs and even cutting out SO much I wanna say so I can fit in the 4-5 pages.

This is new, and I must say that is is all TOO MUCH, I definately like it better than trying to stretch a paper *_.*

Thursday, November 24, 2005

My Family

This year we spent Thanksgiving at my Grandmother's (on my mother's side) house. We came down Wednesday night. I've had a pleasant time, and some time to reflect.

My uncle (my mother's brother) came over with his new baby. His name is Kendall (woulda been named Kenneth after my uncle, but the woman already had a child with that name. One of her 7) This makes baby number 5, baby mama number 3, no kinda job. I sat back and was watching him and my mother talk, and it amazed me how much they look alike. They could really be twins. They are 5 years apart, but my mother is aging gracefully, and he has lived a harder life. They have the same hairline (though his is quite exaggeratedly receding), I call it the Trambles hairline. The same bright 'yella' skintone. Even the same expression in their similarly hazel eyes. They kinda talk alike, and even have similar senses of humor. Such different lifestlyes though. Vastly different.

I told myself not to get into any socio-political conversations this time (they ain't ready). I knew it would be a challenge, because the state of the world and current events are always popular topics. I need to stay away from my new ever-popular statement: "What is that supposed to mean?" cuz its always strikes a convo.

They were talking about a barbeque joint in town that doesn't get much business and my uncle said "Its all a bunch of Puerto-Ricans up in there anyway." What's that supposed to mean? Puerto-Ricans can't barbeque? He says, "Well. . .I don't kno. . .It was just a statement." Then my grandmother starts talking about how America now wants everybody to learn Spanish because of all the Latinos coming into the U.S.

Naaah, don't get me started.

Today we were pulling the table apart to expand it, but my grandmother, mother and I couldn't seem to figure it out after a couple minutes. My grandmother called in her boyfriend to help us, and he got it. My mother mentioned something about "We needed them big strong manly muscles. If it weren't for you, we woulda just been starving." What is that supposed to mean? Is that to say that as women, we are incapable of doing what he just did? My mother mentioned something about "all that feminist stuff". I said, "Do I have to quote Sojurner Truth's monolouge, 'arn't I a woman?'"

Don't even get me started.

We ate, talked, laughed, had a nice time. I kept my mouth closed PLENTY and watched my family be their crazy selves. I am thankful for them, and I can't WAIT to write about my country relatives down in Arkansas once I meet them. Get ready, get ready!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

"You make decisions, I make moves"

This was singlehandedly the most profound thing my cousin Jerome has EVER said to me. He hasn't known me for long, but I guess it doesn't take much time to figure out. We were at Wal*Mart (note-evil) shopping for some things to cook for dinner (note-I so miss cooking) and I would look at and compare prices and sizes of things, apparently far too extensively. What? I wanted to make the right choices. That's when he said it, "You make decisions, I make moves."

And sometimes I wanna make moves too. There are TONS of moves I would love to make, like:

Do a study abroad program in Latin America
Get a job where I can use my Spanish and my Sociology
Study a Semester at the University of Wisconsin
Begin to invest my money (Gotta start thinking about retirement)
Put together some activities at church for the kids

But as of yet I have done nothing to even prepare to make those moves. I haven't even made the move to cash my check from 2 pay periods ago!!!

"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure"

Why is it so hard for me to make moves? All of my decision making gets in the way. All of the "what if's", plan B's, and uncertainties keep me from doing anything (ooh that rhymes). I end up milling about life and doing my best to deal with what is handed to me instead of making things happen. Making changes, affecting instead of getting affected, taking risks. . .

This cup of uncertainty is bittersweet.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

All Work and No Play. . .
Makes Elizabeth a sad, sad, girl :(

Girls just wanna have fun, and I'm no exception people. I have put in some work this semester. Goin to class, goin to work, goin to work, goin to church, goin to the library, goin to class again-that's basically a rundown of the weeks. I miss having fun. Can I have a day or 2 of act goofy, outcho mind, you-so-crazy, laugh till it hurts fun? That good ol' fun that wears you out so that when your head hits the pillow *snap* you're gone. That mad fun that you hated wrap up cuz the street lights were bouta come on. That double dutch, hide and go seek, freeze tag, yo-mama joke, hot summer day with a half-melted freezepop runnin for the icecream truck even tho you ain't got no money outside playin all day with the kids on the block cuz that's what's fun FUN.

I need some of that.

College fun consists of going out, dancing, drinking, and whatever else being under the inflluence might include, but I don't do any of that. The closest thing I've had to fun is having a "nice time" (see-2ra's B-day shindig *ahem* that's me far right). If not for that, I might be close to insanity.

I need get-out-of-your-seat fun. Something a little less calm and serious, cuz everyday life is that. Calm and serious is who I inherently am, but I'm needing a break from the monotony. I was chatting with friendboy today, and he was telling me how he's "finna be kickin it hard this weekend" because he hasn't had any social life these past 3 weeks. (Must be nice.)

In that case, I need to be kicking the ISH out if it and beating it like it like a red-headed stepchild that done stole something and owes me money.

I won't walk around all depressed and frowning, no, I shall continue with life and maintain my joy. But if you're having some crazysexycool fun that you think I might wanna take part in, send some of them vibes my way :)

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Blog Hopping
Journal Jogging

I have this heavy feeling on my heart. I feel grieved and saddened. I read an article in the campus newspaper today about a party on this college campus with the theme of "straight thuggin". People wore gold chains and hats cocked to the side, and didn't cause any disturbances. They basically just listened to some rap music and chilled, and there were only about 20 people there. This party was cause for a discussion with the Racial Relations department of the campus, because they were concerned that it "parodied racial stereotypes" and that it would further isolate black students on campus.

I got heated. I got into "blackfolkscan'thavenothin" mode. Why when we do something that is culturally representative of a part black culture (the whole rap scene did not originate with anybody else) we have to come under criticism?? DANG. We can't just enjoy ourselves?

Then I read "About 4% of the university's 4,667 undergraduate students are black. None of the students who attended the party were black."

Aw Hell to the Naw!!!!!

(forgive any lack of political correctness to follow.)
I'm through. I am so very tired of dealing with RACE on an everyday basis. Everyday I have to be Black. I do not have a problem with my blackness as it is, because I think it is wonderful. My ancestors and people have a rich and vibrant heritage and culture, one to be proud of. My people are strong and noble. What I have a problem with is being Black as opposed to being White.

What am I trying to say? Please stick with me, I don't wanna lose you.

Of course we know that in America, White is the standard. Anyone who is anything other than white isn't viewed as what they are: Latino, Persian, East Asian, Black, Native American, etc. NO, they are instead viewed as "Non-White".

Of course we know that the Black/White racial relation is the most extreme in this country due to slavery. Other groups indeed encounter racism, and my intent is not to ignore or deny that, but to focus on this Black/White thing, because that is where my primary concern lies.

I'm sick of being Black as opposed to being White. I'm also sick of making sure that I don't harbor my anger and become mad at whitefolks. (the term whitefolks refers to the race and the dominating system of whiteness, not Whites as individuals). I am sick of dealing with what is called "the fact of blackness" which means that no matter what I achieve, accomplish, am capable of, and do, I am Black, and that will always be significant.

*sigh* more on this later. I have FAR too many thoughts to formulate a discussion in this post alone.