Thursday, May 26, 2005
I cannot believe myself. For someone who sees such a great future for herself, I sure am regressing. I dub this semester as the worst of all since my academic career, and because of it I am seriously ready to drop out. I feel like my life is over.
I got 3 B's and 3 F's. How is that even possible? No A's C's or D's. Just B's and F's. I could whoop myself for this.
I try not to think about it, but I must. When I do, it's just a slippery slope.
How could I do so hooribly this semester? Don't I ever learn? Now, I am more credits behind from graduating Heartland, which means I'll have to take another summer class. But I probably won't be able to because I will lose my scholarship. WHY? Because apparently I made big mistakes this semester. No scholarship, and I still haven't filed my FAFSA, which means I'll probably get NO financial aid, and I certainly can't afford to go to school otherwise, cuz I'm not having my mother pay a dime for it, which means I won't go to school for probably a year, which will put me so behind with my life plans. I might as well just work for the rest of my life. My life is over.
I choke back alligator tears, because they will not help me. I done did it now.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Today has been a good day. I anticipated starting the day around 10:00, but for one reason or another (I blame the T.V.), I didn't actually leave until 1:30. Slight delay, but no problem. I carried with me my to-do list and have been crossing things off one by one.
Call Knox- I got this one out of the way before I left the house. I called them once again to check on the status of my application. This time, insead of telling me that she didn't know, the secretary connected me right to an advisor. The advisor told me that the admission decision had been made and that a letter was sent out today. Hopefully within a couple of days I should know. The suspense is gone, I'm now ready to accept my postion as either a Redbird or as a. . .um. . .Knox student (I have no idea what their mascot is). Either way, its about time.
Pick up English portfolio- I went out to the school today to pick up my portfolio from english class. It was a tough semester and I was just hoping the teacher would have enough mercy on me to give me a C. I kinda slacked, and I turned 2 papers in way late-one was over a month late, and both of them were turned in just days before the final portfolio was due. I just prayed for favor and that the Lord would have his way. I read through the comments on the rubric, "variety-yes! good choices on audience! good choices on forum! voice definately presents own ideas! good critical thinking skills!" There were lots of exclamation marks. Portfolio grade: 88% B. Course grade: B. Expression of gratitude: gradeless. . .lol
Here's to hoping the rest of my to-do list and day go just as well
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Cuss, scream, shout
girl, just let it all out
kick and cry and fight and scream
show them what you really mean
swallow those tears down
choke it up,take it like you're tough
noone knows when you cry in your soul
Grab a paper, grab a pen
write those feelings down and then
read it to yourself, share it with a friend
Even if only you can comprehend
Feel release and ease of stress
allow yourself to express yourself
in actions, introversion, or some verbs and
then move on with life.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
It is officially time for my body to get a rest. I am becoming fatigued ya'll. I have been pushing my body so hard. I've been staying up late at night in the library working on papers and projects, waking up and going to school early to work on more stuff, going to class, going straight to work, then going back to the library.
I'm even at the library now. And I'm tired. I'm so tired that I can't even see the screen very well and I certainly can't focus to do my work.
In other news though, I finished my portfolio for photograpy today. (YAY!!!!) That lifts a little burden off of me. Tomorrow my English portfolio is due (BOOOO!!!), but once that is done it will be a relief too. That is, once it's done.
I still haven't heard ANYTHING from Knox College, what is really going on? Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I almost don't even want to go there anymore. They are playing games with me and I hate games. I'm about ready to settle and join "Redbird Country" lol.
I saw Mike George today! I was going in for work at The Buckle and he was in there. I don't think I've seen ol boy since high school, so it was a nice surprise. He's doing well in school (3.0 GPA) and he's going to Bethune-Cookman College in Daytona Beach. Lucky bum. I told him how lucky he was to be going to school in a good climate, and he said "It's hot down there!!" I said "So?? It's cold here. We just started getting consistent nice weather." Do you know what that N*gga said? "It gets cold in Florida too! We got down to 40 degrees!! And then we're by the water too, so we have the cold air coming off the water."
Okay dude. First of all, I know Florida is not getting colder than the Midwest. Second of all, you can't tell me NOTHING about cold air coming off of water until you spend a couple of winters in Chi-town. Bloomington Blackfolks done forgot where they came from. . .lol
Speaking of where I came from, (how many of ya'll know where this is going? :D), sitting here in the computer lab, I see this african guy walk in. (muahaahahahaaaa!) He looks around for an open computer, and I notice he is smiling HARD. I swear, this is the most hardcore smiling I've seen all day! He comes and sits right across from me, and for the first 5 minutes, we kept glancing at each other over our screens. When I feel his eyes on me, I literally have to fight not to look at him back, cuz then he'll see me and think that I'm just looking at him just to be looking, but I'm really only looking because he is. *phew* He has nice skin though, and very gentle eyes. . . ok, ima quit :D
I am still exhausted, but with the help of my Pepsi Vanilla and relieving some blog-worthy thoughts, perhaps I can work.
So, I just got done calculating what my GPA could be for this semester. This is not good my friends. Throughout the semester, I completely forgot that my scholarship wants me to maintain a 2.5 GPA each semester. I was going about, trying to do my best but I just gave up here at the end. I decided to drop out of my stats class. Not drop the class, like before the deadline, or even withdraw, nah, just decided to fail out of it. HOW COME NOBODY STOPPED ME????? I didn't know what the heck I was doing. At least if I would've stuck it out I could've gotten a D and that would've helped my GPA a little bit. But no. My guitar class, had lots of trouble with that too. Almost dropped out of it too, but I recently emailed the teacher and pretty much begged him to let me reconsider my decision. So there's hope for me to get a D out of that too. So, calculating best-case scenario, I'll either get a 1.7 or a 1.94.
The difference between the 2 depends on my interpersonal communications class. The teacher and I have a good bond, I've even given her marriage and parent counseling (you know how I do). If I can get my B to an A, I'll be that much closer.
Even still, a 1.94 isn't a 2.5!!!!! My hope is that they don't go by the semester GPA, but by the cumulative. If they go by the former, I will lose my scholarship!!!!
I'm in need of a miracle. I'm just going to pray, do my best to finish these last papers and projects, and trust in the Lord.
A part of me has peace about this. Getting worked up will not change my situation, it will only add more stress. Besides, I know everything happens for a reason and there may be a reason why I'm going through this.
Another part is beating me to a bloody pulp for being so STUPID and unfocused and not passing all 18 of those hours with at least a B. I should be able to do this. How could I be so incompetent? Especially with a SCHOLARSHIP on the line! DOOFUS...
The last part is telling me it's not fair. It's not fair that I have to work and go to school. It's not fair to have so much on my plate. It's not fair that I have to be a first generation college student, going about this thing so blindly. It's still my fault, but it's not fair!!!! How come nobody told me the things that could've helped so much (besides "that's way too many classes")?? whyyy :(
I'm trying to hold to the peaceful part of me. Nevertheless, I am in need of a miracle.
Monday, May 09, 2005
conversations with self
one-way dialouge channeled into creativity
but noone hears waht I'm sayin
because they're not me
so I just
converse with myself
repeating the thought, repeating the thought, repeating the thought, repeating the thought
making the most of a minimalist
then I write it down
its like a list
and maybe format it
CAPITALIZE it as I prophecy it
making the most of a minimalist
noone but me can tell the difference,
which is why I converse with myself
needing to let go and just be
comfortable with me
from the color of my skin and my nappy hair
to my innermost desires and feelings felt when I find someone who cares
and noone but me really hears what I'm sayin
but I talk anyway,
having conversations with myself
repeating the thought, repeating the thought, repeating the thought, repeating it
making tedious dots of a minimalist
it's only me who's hearing this.
and it meant so much to me
when she took out a stick of gum
and gave me half a piece
And even though at times she says
the most random, blonde-headed things
she listens when I talk
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Recently, HumanityCritic did this GREAT post about childhood toys. I could relate with some of the toys, especially the BigWheel, but seeing as I'm probably at least 10 years younger than he is, I have a list of my own childhood toy memories. The late 80's/early 90's had so many good toys (even though I never got some of these, they bombarded Saturday Morning cartoons and my friends had some of them). . .
Or at least that's what we called them in Chicago. Man, this was one of the best toys I can remember. There was one stick in the middle, and on each side there was basically a triangle attatched to a ball. The goal was to move your hand up and down, and make the balls hit each other, making a "klick klack" noise. If you weren't good at it though, both triangles would just swirl around the stick and there was no klicking or klacking goin on.
I wanted a Skip It sooooo bad!!!! I still remember the song "Skip It, Skip It. . The very best thing of all/Is there's a counter on the ball/So SkipIt! SkipIt!" You stick your foot in the little circle part, and then there's a stick (or a rope, depending on what version you had) with a ball on the end. You would make the apparatus swirl around your ankle and when the stick part would come to your foot, you'd have to jump up (skip) with that other leg so it wouldn't hit you. Yeeah, my SkipIt was a hula hoop. If you know what I'm talkin about, then skip on witcha bad self.
My Buddy/ Kid Sister
This is DEFINATELY 80's. My Buddy was the boy, and Kid Sister was the girl. Now that I think about it, they didn't do anything special, they didn't even look too cute, but MAN I wanted one. Maybe because they were marketed as that cool toy you could just take anywhere and actually kinda 'hang out' with. All the commercials showed the little girls playing tea party with Kid Sister, and the little boys outside chillin with My Buddy. They were pretty big, so that made them even more 'real' I guess. Also, at the time I didn't have a sister, but I wanted one, and what could've been better than Kid Sister???
Even though all those toys were great, and bring back great childhood memories, nothing beats a good ol' double dutch rope (a.k.a. clothesline lol).
"G-I- Gipsy, where she been? She been around the world and back again. . ."
"D-I-S-H/D-I-S-H-/D- for double dutch/I-for irish/S for single (?)/H-for hops. . ."
"12 times 12 is a hundred-forty four/When the bed breaks down you can do it on the floor. . ."
Jump rope rhymes and hand games, thats a whole nother post!
Friday, May 06, 2005
I found this song yesterday, and apparently it's a negro spiritual. When I read it, it literally brought tears to my eyes, because it captured the feelins of my whole day, and really of so many times in my life. My favorite is the second stanza. I have declared Silentium! as my anthem.
Speak not, lie deep, do not reveal
Things that you wish or things that you feel;
Within your soul's protected mine
Let them ascend and then decline,
Like silent stars in heaven bleak;
Admire their sheen-but do not speak.
How can a heart be put in words?
By others-how can one be heard?
Will people know what you live by?
A thought expressed becomes a lie.
Don't muddy springs that are unique:
Drink from their depth-but do not speak.
Live only in yourself encased;
Your soul contains a world of chaste,
Mysterious thoughts, which outside noise
Robs of their magic and destroys;
The rays of morning make them weak-
Enjoy their song but do not speak.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Look at that
Man, with no ring on his hand
my mind into thinking
that he could be mine again.
But, he's a Married Man
Man, with no ring on his lovely hand
no wife on his arm
still possesing that charm
that I appreciated once he was gone.
That Married Man
Man, with no ring on his hardworking hand
man etched into my emotions,
sketched into my skin
man that I made love to
And yes that man is him
that Married Man
A Married Man with no ring on his hand.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Here is a recap/sneak peek into the workshop
"It is never too late to become what you might have been" -George Elliot
- Sometimes we hang on to the "If I woulda"'s, but we have to hold on to our present, not regret the mistakes and missed opportunities of our past and work to form our futures. As I always say, "You can't change your past, but you can always affect your future."
4 types of people to surround yourself with:
- People who believe in you before you believe in yourself.
- People who support you.
- People who have your best interests at heart.
- People who are optimistically positive.
- Concerning #4, David said that, "Nobody cares when you're having a bad day." This is true. People want to be around others who make them feel good, and can uplift them when they are having a hard time with life. In turn, you want people to want to be around you because people are a road to success. You can't go anywhere if nobody helps you get there (can I get an amen?)
Concerning failure: There's nothing wrong with falling down, the crime comes when you stay down.
People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. (sounds a little cliche, but its true)
The laws of success are no respectors of person. (it doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, you can succeed)
Get good at what you do. There is no such thing as luck without hard work! Opportunity knocks on everybody's door, sometimes we just don't open it cuz it's disguised as hard work.
The workshop was so timely. I was going crazy and everything was getting to me, but now, I feel SO much better and ready to take life head on (at least for the rest of the semester).
*sigh*-that one is for relief.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Fear of Mediocrity
This, if not anything else, is the cause for 95% of my procrastination and inability to "reach my full potential". I loathe mediocrity. It is the hidden locust that buzzes its ugly song outside my window, mocking me, taunting me because it knows I can't find it, crush it, and bring an end to its song. Whatever I do (academically at least) I want it to be not only my best, but the best. In this english class, I want my paper to be better than anyone else's in the class. I want my teacher to think "This girl's got TALENT!!", and I want to feel that it's true.
However, once again, I find myself at this computer for hours making no progress.
On another note, I went to Chicago this weekend. I almost left Friday without packing any bags or telling anybody, following the spirit of a true vagabond, however all trains and busses had left town, and a sista was kinda broke anyway. . .
But Saturday, I went. Going to Chicago always puts me in a reflective mood, which especially helped because I was taking some pics for my photography class. I think about how different the CHI is from any other city I've been to. It truly has its own unique culture. My goal was to capture the essence of the hood. Why did I choose that? Because that's where I came from, that's my roots! Besides, the "ghetto" and the hood are some of the most misunderstood concepts among Americans of all colors. Most people never get to see the hood, so this is my present to them. It's like a presentation of that which is at the heart of me. But alas, I know they won't be provoked with the same feelings I get from it. Does that once again bring me back to that nadir of mediocrity?