Monday, October 31, 2005

God is a good God

Yeeesss Heee Issssss.......

That's one of my favorite praise songs to sing because it is so true. He truly is good. This past weekend was probably the busiest this semester, and it was CRAZY.

Friday-Worked in the morning at TJ Maxx (9:30-4:30), then went home to get ready for church. Church started at 7, which meant to be there by 6:30 or so. Had church, it was GOOD. after cleaning up, we left around 11ish.

Saturday- I planned on having the morning to do homework and prepare for the day, but I ended up having to go to work at the Buckle because I didn't finish all the alterations from Wednesday. 11 a.m.-Worked like a dog/Hebrew slave (okay, maybe a lil exxageration) to finish everything in time. The sewing machine has been acting up (causing me more trouble) and we are almost out of blue thread (and um, most jeans are blue ya'll) but do you think the manager cares?? 3:30 p.m.-Ran to the store after work to grab something to add to my outfit to wear to the "Grown and Sexy" dinner at 4:00 (which ended up looking more like a business meeting dinner lol. But we did look grown *nod*) 3:50-Got home and dressed as quickly as I could, put on a touch of makeup in the car, and preceeded to dine with my friends. 6:00-Ran and took some pics in the dark after eating, 6:20-rushed to church, changed into my church clothes and shortly after I changed it was time for me to go up and lead worship and praise. After church, went downstairs to serve the food, stayed to clean up, got home around 1 a.m. *phew* Tried to stay up and make a quick outfit for the next day, but my machine was acting up, so I just went to bed.

Sunday- 7:30 a.m. decided to turn off my alarm clock. Sunday school was cancelled, so we didn't have to be at church until 11. I got up around 10:30, body aching, seriously contemplated not going, but knew I needed to. Quickly settled on something to wear (and I do mean settled). Popped some buttery kettle corn for breakfast and ran out of the house with church shoes unbuckled, extra clothes, and bag of breakfast in hand. Had church, it was good. 2:30-Get to my mother's house after much contemplation on where to go/what to eat. Ate some soup and wanted to wanted to sleep so bad, but it was soon time to go back to church. 4:00-Went back to church, had another good service to close with. 8:30-Served food again, and cleaned up while EVERYBODY ELSE LEFT THE CHURCH!!!! It was only me, Sonia, and my little sister, and that girl didn't hardly do anything. Errrbody else was ghost, but that's okay. Left around 10.

A sista seriously needs some sleeping in.

I had LOTS of work to get done for today (group project due tomorrow and group hadn't met yet, 3 page paper, study for a test tomorrow, do 3 reading summaries), especially since I didn't get to do any this weekend. I was getting a little anxious about it, wondering how it would all get done, but the Lord made a way. When they talk about a "way out of no way", thats what I experienced today. You know I had to give him the praise.

I managed to squeeze in a good long talk with Obie this weekend too. We talked for almost 2 hours, and I learned a lot of interesting things. We also discussed the time he tried to kiss me (did I tell ya'll about that?) He actually brought it up to use it as an example of how he interprets actions or something. I didn't mention that I knew he would try something before he actually did, it might have hurt his pride or sum'. Anywho, come to find out, he still likes me. He used the words "I'm attracted to you. . . , I find you attractive." :0 Fa Reeelz homie? Noone has ever put it in those words. I've heard "I like you" and things of that nature, and even lies of "I love you" but this was a new experience. I was seriously shocked but he coulda told a sista a minute ago. *sigh* Too bad he read my unaccepting actions as "rejection", but I'll let him think what he wants for now. I told him he should've just asked me what I thought of him instead of trying to interpret from my actions. LOL Silly boi.

So, it was quite a full and heavy weekend, and I seriously need a day to recouperate, rest, and meditate on everything. How was your weekend?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Super Chiliz!!!
(A reflection)

There she is, Super Chiliz here to save the day! She comes flying in upon the whisper of request, equipped and ready to fulfill.

*sigh* I wish I could save the world. Really, I do. I consider it to be a problem, one that I've had ever since I can remember. When I was younger, I prayed as earnestly and sincerely as my little heart could manage for world peace and for everyone to get along. I could not fathom why my Lord, so gentle, peaceful, and kind would allow such a cruel world to exist. I watched the news with my mother and images of war, violence, depravation, and national strife flashed before my little eyes, and I knew that there must be a reason. Perhaps because noone thought to pray for peace? So I made it my mission. I would singlehandedly (with God's help of course lol) make this world a more liveable place because I would pray for peace. What Genius!!!

Years later, I still find myself wanting to save the world. I feel like I have been blessed/cursed with an overwhelming sense of compassion (but shhhh, don't tell. I don't think anybody knows). But I have this compassion, this desire to make changes in the world, and even just in individuals' lives, but no means to do so. I am a 20 year old college student living in a world that lacks the compassion that I know so well. I cannot make a difference alone! In case you cannot fathom, this is a VERY frustrating and saddening state. To know that people are hurting, hungry, suffering, impoverished, ignorant, malnutritioned, etc. and not be able to do anything about it? And to see nothing being done about it? To know that the concerns of the majority of the world's population are unheard, unknown, and not considered to be important by essentially the rest of the whole WORLD??

It kills me.

I think this is one of the major reasons why I have decided to pursue Sociology as my major, because it is usually social factors that contribute to these problems, and if the social factors can be changed, people's lives can be changed for the better (note-do not confuse with social work).

But that's beside the point. The point is that I still wanna save the world, and since I realize that I can't do it on a global or even national basis, I attempt to do it on a much smaller, interpersonal scale. If someone has a need, I make sure I do what I can within my limits to make it happen. Whether it be to listen, give advice, give money whatever. I'm not a people pleaser, but I do it for me. It's so personally fulfilling and gratifying to be able to help someone, to fulfill a need, but I can't do it all.

I want to, but I can't.

I try to, but I just can't.

There always comes a point in each semester (yes, we college students measure time in semesters) that I lose balance and become overwhelmed. That time has come for me. I have lost balance on emotional and physical plains. I have lost balance between my schooling and work. I have lost relational balances. In my attempt to restore balance, save my world, and save the world in other realms, I am going to lose my head. I am not Atlas, and I do not have the ability to carry the world on my shoulders. I know well the relief of taking my burdens to the Lord, its just that I consistently feel the need to figure everything out, and this disharmony makes everything cloudy.

I'm digressing no?

Back to saving the world. I can't do it. I simply can't do everything that I want to, which upsets me because all that I want to do is something positive, inspiring, and necessary for the smooth operation of society, whichever facet of society that may be, because virtually everything is a part of society. (was that a run-on sentence?)

Anyway, I was going to bring this around full-circle to make my point, but I have forgotten what I wanted to say.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Dear Whomever You May Be,

I'm writing this letter in all sincerity. I don't really know what all to say, but the most important thing is that you come and get me RIGHT NOW. It's time for me to go away for a little while, so as soon as you get here I will be ready to leave. Please come soon.

If you don't, I don't know what might happen. Perhaps my brain will explode, or maybe just stop working altogether. There has just been a little too much pressure lately and I need to get away before it gets the best of me.

Can you please come before I learn anything new? I have my limit of 5 new things to learn, and I think after that I will be done for. Everytime I learn something new, I become more confused. What I thought was my world no longer seems to be that. What I thought was A is B. I don't know what to believe, think, or do.

I have to decide which version of reality is real. That is a big task for one person.

But really, does it matter which version of reality I think is real? Because regardless of which I think is real, the same version is going to be real that has always been real, even real before my realization of a true reality. *breath* So if I have been living and perceiving untruths and variations of truth thus far in life, should I change that?

Now is a crucial time, a time to be more real with myself than I have ever been. I've had problems with denial in the past, but now the last person I need lying to me is myself, so I just gotta be raw with the facts.

I'm sick of deceit, lies, versions and portions of truth/untruth. I'm tired of weeding out the real from the unreal, or at least attempting to do so, and then becoming upset with the findings. Is this supposed to be the product of knowledge and enlightenment? It is far too much work and I for one, cannot keep up.

Please come and get me soon.

Monday, October 10, 2005

I've got a feelin. . .

OK OK, i promise to make this quick. I'm bouta go study (which I have been telling myself since last night, but haven't done so yet) cuz I have this test tomorrow. I'm not expecting it to be an A+, but miracles do happen. Besides, its all objective anyway. I figure I have a 1 in 4 chance on every question. . . :D

I have made an informal goal/vow to myself. While it is sad that I need to make such a vow, I gotta keep it real cuz I know myself, and I see far too many possibilities. (don't laugh at me ya'll) I have made a vow not to sleep with anyone for the rest of my academic career at ISU. Don't be mistaken, I'm no ho, and neither do I forsee ho-ish actions in my future. All I'm sayin is that stuff happens. Sometimes stuff can be made to happen just due to the combination of boredom and opportunity. I know that stuff happening is NOT what I need in my life at all (I'm tryin to stay saved ya'll), so making this vow will just be a reinforcement of my willpower not to. . . do stuff. I'm expecting that it will be quite easy.

NOW, lemme give u some dirt. This is girl talk ok? I have this feeling deep DEEP down that somebody is gonna try to get some stuff started with me. Don't ask me how I know, some things Eliz just knows. This friend has lately been like "hey, when are you coming over?" and has been calling a sista on at least a weekly basis, which is the higest frequency of communication since we first met. I smell something in the air, and I'm so sure that this homie has something up his sleeve. I personally think he wants to try me, and it definately has something to do with the Max thing. LOL just last night homie professed his love to me. Yes Yes Ya'll, and it don't stop.

As for the guy who I like (I'd prefer to refrain from calling him a 'crush'), he is doing well. I try not to talk about him much because I need to keep it on the DL. I'm still not sure if it is attraction, maybe it's just a high level of respect. In any event, perhaps I'm making the situation bigger than what it needs to be on a mental level. I've found myself thinking about him more (ack), and even gettting slight fluttery feelings-yes, just slight ones, don't get it twisted. I don't like that, because I know it means that something is now happening with my HEART and that is NOT good. I definately don't want this to be one of those crazy "I think about you all the time cuz I'm crazy about you" things. But the more I see him, am around him, and talk to him, the more I am intrigued and am "feelin his vibe" lol.

I don't mean to be feelin all up on his vibe, but I hope he knows he can, uh. . . feel mine too. =_= yeea.

I'll keep u updated.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Tonight I would love to write you something interesting. Something to maybe stimulate your thoughts, or make you laugh. I would especially love to make you laugh, but I'm not really a funny person. *sigh* Guess I just felt like blogging. . .

Writing is always a good release. Since I started blogging I've left my personal journal (which I just call my book) pretty lonely. Sometimes I miss writing in it, but I often find it hard to gather up the energy to do so. lol it's like writing is so much work. But I always love reading past entries, cuz I always remember each event just like it was yesterday. Everything from Freshman year homecoming, to not being friends with Angela anymore, to Daryl's death, to my trip abroad. I smile as I flip through the pages.

Lately I have not been feeling well on several levels. It seems that this happens every now and again, just an overall ill feeling.

I feel confused. I feel like everything I have always known means nothing. That all the information I have been fed are all lies, and that the truth, subjective as it may be, is nearly impossible to find. This is a very frustrating feeling.

I also feel uncomfortable here at Illinois State. I'm ready to leave here, and settle in the place where I belong, wherever that may be. I think I should've been born a different kinda animal. Maybe a tropical bird, or some type of. . .oh, I don't even know.

I saw Max the other day (I am so ready to be through with him) at Wal-Mart. I wished him a happy belated birthday (I remembered, cuz his is the day after mine), but he didn't wish me one. Was it wrong for me to be a little upset? It's not like my birthday was in a different month or like he didn't know when it was. It's the day after his! :-( Whatever. My mother said "Elizabeth, he's a man". I said "So what??". Then she mentioned someting about "emotional crumbs" being left over. Hecks yea there's emotional crumbs.

I think I've taken out my overall ill feelings on some unsuspecting victims. These girls on my floor have a dry-erase board on their door, and write little stupid stuff on there. One day while walking past, I decided to just run my finger through the writing, which of course wipes it off. Then I discovered that I LIKE doing it, and would actually look forward to it once I got on my floor. It would just give me a little thrill.

Then they started getting mad and leaving threatening messages on the board. It went from:
"Whatever ho keeps erasing our board is gonna get slapped. I will find you. . ."
"You have managed to piss me off you F*ing B*ch. I will find your A* and beat you down"

Yea right. First of all you ain't gon' find me cuz I'm slick like oil baby, and second of all if you wanna fight then bring it. Because you are just like all the rest of the girls here at ISU that I'm tired of seeing every dang day, and knocking you out will actually make me feel good. So let's go.

Recently, I've stopped erasing, but mostly because somebody else is doing it now (which I find to be hilarious and sad at the same time). I think whoever the other eraser is, she is just doing it because of the written reaction she gets from the board owners. But that's not good. She even erased the board of the girl right across from me, and she's really nice! An innocent victim. That other eraser needs to get her own mean trick, don't go stealing mine. How she gon' cop my style??

It's that lack of individuality ya'll.