Monday, May 07, 2007

Je t'aime

The words come from his lips so easily, so readily. Je t'aime. They fall like rose petals on my ears and my heart and I know that they are sincere. I know that he is sincere, and I want to say je t'aime too. But I can't.

Je t'aime

The words don't go any farther than the confines of my mind. I can't say it because I don't know exactly what it means. Yes, I know the translation, but what is it saying? Is it just that I care about you and that I want the best for you? Is it that I'm so grateful to have you in my life? Is it that I appreciate everything you do for me? All of that is true.

Or is it saying something more? Is it locking me into a contract? Does it hold me accountable for certain behavior? What are the expectations of one who makes this proclamation, "Je t'aime?" Does it mean that I will never do you wrong? Does it mean that I will be everything that you want me to be? Does it mean that I should always be willing? Is it a promise?

I don't make promises. I don't know how much of myself I can offer. Could je t'aime just be a vow to do your best? What if I only give 40%, but 50% is my best? Am I lying?

Je sais que je t'aime, mon ange. I just can't tell you.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Mother To-Be

They tell me that eating too much fufu makes you fat. I don't know if it's the fufu or the soup, but apparently you will blow up if you eat it all the time.

And it seems that they already think I'm fat. Alex told A, "Your girlfriend is veeeery very beautiful, but, is big." Alex went on to tell him that my size is okay for now, but if I get bigger, sex isn't going to be enjoyable. . .etc. *nod* okay.

So, if eating too much fufu makes you fat, and you already think I'm fat, why do you keep offering me fufu ALL THE TIME?! Everytime we go over someone's house and they've cooked, it always seems to have been fufu. And they always offer me some. I don't wanna decline, because that may be misinterpreted as rudeness. I don't see them offering it to him everytime (although they might be doing so in Lingala or something), so maybe as I become more and more familiar to them, they might lay off. I like some fufu, I really do, but they best not say NOTHIN when I come waddlin up in their houses big as a house!

But I think I am putting on weight, and I don't know if it's becuase I'm looking at my body more (cuz they think I'm fat) or becuase of the FUFU!!! DANG. He likes my body though, and so do I, so it's not too much of a problem.

He bought my mother a card today. I don't even think he read the thing, just picked one that said "mom" and looked nice. And it did look nice, all swirly and flowers and stuff. On the top it said, "Happy Mother's Day Mother To-Be." My first instinct was to buss da fugg up!!!! I just wanted to laugh but you know these men have egoes.

"Aw, A, this is nice. But. . . no. It says, mother-to-be. Thats for a pregnant woman." We have to have these kind of English break-downs all the time. I've had to explain things like, "this sucks" and "silly". (btw, silly translates to 'idiot' in french. Not easy to explain the difference).