Tuesday, September 08, 2009

It's Weird

It's weird. It's just past 10pm. I haven't even gone to sleep yet and I already know that I'm not going to want to wake up in the morning. I already don't feel like picking out what clothes I'll wear to work and how I'll do my hair. Don't want to think about what I'm going to eat for breakfast and if I'll take anything to eat for lunch. I don't want to deal with the inevitable frustrations of my job. . . and there are many. I want to not exist tomorrow, at least not until 6 or 7pm where I can wind down from a day I didn't have and just relax.

It's weird. I keep wondering if I'll be feeling this way throughout the weekdays every week. This feeling of being bogged down with financial concerns, thinking about all of the things that I need but can't get. It's only intensified by my job situation. For the first time school isn't really a source of stress. . . I'd really rather do that than worry about any of this other stuff. Being back in an academic environment is actually a highlight in my life right now. My graduate school application is due next month. I pray that I'll will myself to submit it.

It's weird. I'm ready to watch my dreams come to life. . . even though they still don't have much clarity. But even as anxious as I am to see them manifest, I am equally afraid. I know that's what the dreams are about. The dreams where my car is speeding along so fast that I get scared to death, but never do crash into anything. The dreams where I am uncontrollably floating up into the air and my attempts to come down only take me higher. So instead of zooming in the fast lane I'm creeping along on the shoulder, watching all of the speed racers flash by. . . assuring them that I'm coming when I really only hope that eventually I will be.

Tonight I go to bed, but my concerns won't. They'll be sitting by my bedside watching me while I sleep, hoping to ease into my dreams but I'll toss and turn so they won't hold me down. I know they'll be waiting for me to wake up so that they can tag along with me all day. Maybe if I don't get up. . . well, maybe I just won't get up.