Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Happy Birthday to Meeeeee

Happy Birthday Elizabeth!! I love you!

I have decided to create my own birthday happiness instead of leaving it in the hands of friends, parents, and others. So the first step in creating birthday happiness was to extend my birthday(s).

I have declared the 26th, 27th, and 28th as my birthday(s), as it allows for pre, during, and post birthday celebrations.

Then, I have decided to get my own presents. on my pre-birthday, I went shopping for clothes, but didn't find much. I did however find the cutest suit. Its a skirt and jacket, white with either black or navy pinstripes. If I had a digi-cam, I'd surely share a pic with you. Best thing about it, it was ON SALE YA'LL!!!! Then I found some cute sunglasses. The only bad thing was that they had fake Louis Vuitton symbols on the side, but hey, they were on sale for $5. I could deal.

The highlight of my pre-birthday was the homettes bringing me the 'fridge from Elvis. I can now have cold beverages and food in my room. Thanks girls, and thanks Elvis!

After the girls left, I sang "Happy birthday to me" on the elevator ride up. I was lonely, and it was quite sad :( Also my sunglasses broke, which was equally sad because it's hard for me to find cute ones.

Today though, was the day I was looking forward to. The peak of my birthday(s) was to come with the ownership of the new India.Arie CD. I even dreamed about it. I could see it there on the shelf. I could feel the plastic in my hand. I could hear the sweet melodies and earnest tones in every lyric she sang.

But alas, there was no India.Arie CD to be found. I went to FOUR different stores and none of them had it, so I'm assuming the release date got pushed back. So since the only thing I had been looking foward to for the day turned out to be a drag, I went back home and slept. I slept through all of my classes, and barely got up at 4 to get ready for work. I had bought some superglue at one of the stores to fix my sunglasses with, but it didn't work. I bought a different CD while I was out, but it really sucked, and I don't think I can return it.

The highlight of the day was actually going to work. I was at the GED tutoring job, and mostly worked with one girl tonight, helping her with geometry. I remembered how much I hated geometry in high school, but it felt so good helping her understand. Maybe I should go into education? Just another thought for me to brew.

The other highlight was the happy birthday messages. I got a few on hi5 (which i never even bother with anymore), and a bunch on facebook (Obi even called me). Here's my favorites:

Jamie: Happy Birthday, Elizabeth. I feel like there should be something more profound to say than that. Hoorah? Anyway. . .now that we live, you know, five minutes from each other we should do dinner or something as stereotypically cheesy as that.

Jonathan: Congratulation on make it to your 20th Birthday. On your next one, I'm gone by you a 5th of something strong, but until then live it up. Enjoy this day it never come again. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Elvis: I want to say" Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to yooouuu woo oowwo wooo "
And I would also like to say "Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to meeee-eeeeee. Happy Birthday to me. And many moooooore!

*proceeds to break it down with Stevie Wonder's (aka the black) version)*

Friday, September 23, 2005

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To. . .

You would cry too if it happened to you.

Well, it's almost that special time of year again. That special time that marks the day of my entry into this world.

My birthday is coming up. (Tuesday the 27th)

The birthday blues are setting in already. I normally get all depressed and gloomy around this time of year, and especially on my birthday. Perhaps it has more to do with the autumnal equinox than the acknowledgement of my aging, but nevertheless it happens.

I don't plan on doing anything special for my birthday other than taking myself out to breakfast (by myself) before class. Perhaps I will buy myself something special, or maybe I'll just save the money.

I'm trying not to plan on getting anything special since that would only get my hopes up, but it's hard. It's my birthday!! It should be the day that I am everybody's princess and the world loves me (okay, maybe a little far fetched). It should be a happy day of surprises from those who love you most. Ah, but alas I know it will be a day like every other, both busy and tiring.

And on top of that, this year's birthday will be flooded with memories of what I was doing this time last year. That my friends, does not help (though I can't believe it's been a whole year).

Perhaps birthdays are too glorified in the media, which is why I consistently feel dissapointed in mine each year.

In any effect, it's almost my birthday.


Monday, September 19, 2005

something different something more
a ray of light in this overcast sky
would do wonders for my soul

It was so hard to get out of bed today. As a matter of fact, I think I might just go back when I get done online. Last night while I was sleeping, so cozy under my blanket, i heard a huge BOOM. It was SO LOUD! Both me and my roomate woke right up and looked at each other like "whaaaattt???". I looked at the clock- 3:30 a.m. Come to find out it was thunder, lightning, and rain outside. Good gosh that was some loud thunder. I opened the curtains so that I could look outside (I actually can get several inches of a view of the outside world from my window) and watch the storm. It was really pretty, especially over the lights of the buildings on campus. But I was too tired, and fell asleep thinking about how strange it was for it to be raining, yet there was no rain hitting my window, and neither could I hear the rain because of hte position of my room.

I had to get up early this morning to take my timesheets in to work before 8:30. The sky was so overcast and dark. It looked like the clouds were gonna break any minute and the rain would pour out, like from a bucket. Then I saw a rainbow. It was beautiful. I took my eyes off of it for a minute, and then it was gone, but that's okay.

I went back home, ate some cereal, and climbed right back into the bed. I was looking outside (one of my favorite things to do while in bed) and watching all the students milling about, and watching the trees sway in the breeze, it was all quite serene. I think I would like to go to a school next to water. . . Is SanDiego near water?

Oh, and I was gonna tell you about this guy. I think I like him, but this is different. I wouldn't call it a crush, and it certainly isn't lust. I just. . .like him. He's a cool guy to talk to. We like similar music, and have a few interests in common. The fact that I know nothing about cars and sports doesn't seem to bother him too much either lol. And even though he is into cars and sports, he's not one of "those guys". He seems to be quite well rounded, and I know he comes from a good family.

He's also intelligent. Nothing like an intelligent brotha who can speak his mind with clarity. He has a wonderful sense of humor, but is not a person who is always just trying to get a laugh. I like his physique too. It's nothing amazing, but he has these beautiful broad shoulders *swoon* that I would just love to massage (sorry, I can't help it). I was sitting behind him one day and just had the urge to touch him. His shoulders, his back, rub his head, play with his ears, caress his face. (If I ever get to do this, I plan on making it quite a sensational experience) Now don't get me wrong, it's not in a sexual way. As a matter of fact, I definately don't want anything to do with him from the waist down. I've not really thought extensively about kissing him, except to know what it might feel like (but of course now I'm gonna have to think about it).

I don't want it to be a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, certainly not. I'm not really attracted to him like that. I would like it to be more of a friendship with benefits. The benefit not being sexual, but just an intimacy on a mental, spiritual, and slightly physical level that exceeds the boundaries of mere friendship, but does not transgress those of a relationship.

Anyway, I said all that to say that I like him.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Where Have All the Fine Boys Gone?

Wih the thousands of students on ISU campus, one would expect to run into an exceptionally good looking individual at least once a day. Not so. In fact, only today have I seen one such individual, and this is the 4th or 5th week of school! I expected more from this place. . .

But maybe it's just me. Perhaps I have overlooked several individuals deserving of recogniton of thier good looks. (by the way, I give extremely good looking people little recognition because they have usually gotten enough over their lifetime) Perhaps I am too selective in my definitons of "fine-ness", but in any event, my eye-candy needs have not been satisfied.

Another issue. I am considering (just a thought for now ya'll, don't go getting all crazy on me) transferring to another school. ISU is an okay environment, but I am upset about the lack of diversity. Of course, our nation is comprised of mostly whites, but I think I would much more enjoy going to school where there are a variety of faces, values, skin tones, beliefs, and practices. Here at ISU, everybody seems to be the same. Everyone is "one of them". I look around and it upsets me that pretty much everyone looks, acts, and dresses the same way. They have similar frames of reference, and therefore similar outlooks on life. I need more.

I think part of what truly sparked this feeling in me was a comment a teacher made. I have to wonder if this lady has been living under a ROCK for the past several decades. She teaches my Minority Relations class, but of course has no background on the experiences of any minority, except for that of being a female. She said "I recently came across some reasearch that said that even in present times, now in 2005, there are some high schools in Illinois that are as much as 98% Black, and some that are 100% white! I just couldn't believe in this day and age that segregation could still be so strong."

UH DUH LADY!! That's no great revalation, I coulda told you that. Let me take you back to the neighborhood that I came from, where there were no people of any other color but black, and CERTAINLY no whites. As a matter of fact, I only knew a handful of white people growing up (depsite being called a white girl for years), and they were teachers at school. Then let me take you to the Chinese part of the city (yes, specifically Chinese, not Asian), the Polish part, the Jewish part, the Persian part, the Mexican part, the Black part, and the White part. Come back to the real future lady. Not the post-Civil Rights movement-all together in harmony-sing Kumbaya and sway side to side image that may be in your mind.


All I'm sayin is that more diversity would be a wonderful thing to me. I mentioned this to my mother, you know, trying to let her feel involved in my life and stuff, and she flipped. According to her, it doesn't matter who the heck is going to my school, I just need to get my degree and get out, because none of the other students have anything to do with me. When she said that, I wanted to cry because I knew she didn't understand, and wouldn't understand no matter how much I would try to explain and justify, and that it would end up another bitter disagreement of viewpoints like so many others, and all I wanted her to do was understand.

I needed for her to understand because I think she was the first person I had actually talked to about it, and I needed for her to support me, and to know that it can be difficult to learn and live in an environment in which you are uncomfortable and unsatisfied. After all, college is not just about obtaining that degree, but there is a whole social aspect to it (which I tried to explain to no avail. Her theory is that I'm here to get my degree, and that's all I need to be concerned with). I needed her to say "well, have you thought about any schools that would be better?" and not, "Well, what school are you gon' transfer to then??" As if I had already applied and got accepted, while the whole thing is nothing but a thought in my head so far.

*sigh* anyway, just to bring it around full circle, perhaps seeing (and befriending) more cute guys on campus would help me to feel better. I like having cute guy friends, cuz then all the females are jonesing, and I'm like "HIM?? Girl, he ain't nobody, that's just so and so."

Maybe that would help me to feel better.

Monday, September 12, 2005

I'm Sorry Roomie

The days have been going by so fast lately. I know that midterms will be here way too soon. The weeks seriously just fly by! I get up, run around all day long, and sleep for a few hours to do it all again. I'm so tired by the time I go to sleep that I could care less about anything else.

So, for the past few nights I know I've been sleeping quite strangely. I wake up a lot, but only for seconds at a time, then I am fast asleep again in an instant. But I've noticed in some of these waking up moments, that I hear this voice. And it's my voice. Apparently I'm talking in my sleep, and I'm sorry if that scares you. It scares me too. Imagine my surprise when I wake up to, "Tell him to shut up!" or, "You get on my nerves" and I have no idea who I'm talking to. I really apologize.

I'm also sorry for not using the bathroom before I go to bed (no, I didn't pee in the bed). When I'm sleeping and I have to use the bathroom, sometimes I don't wake up for whatever reason, but am just there in the bed, shaking so that I don't pee on myself. It's much like a modified pee-pee dance that every 4yr old does. Except, you might think its something else, so just to let you know, that's what it is. I can't help it.

Last but not least roomie, I'm sorry that you had to see my butt. That was not my intention. I fell asleep with a skirt on last night cuz I was too tired to change into my pajamas. I woke up this morning because I heard you shuffling around (oh so quietly too. You are so considerate) but I didn't open my eyes. I was half asleep, and half awake, and I knew something didn't feel right. I became fully awake (but still didn't open my eyes) when I realized that my butt was sticking out, and that I didn't have on butt-covering underwear. I am so very sorry. So then, I didn't know what to do. Should I cover it up real quick? No, that would be too obvious. Should I pull my skirt down? No, cuz then you would think that you woke me up.

Please don't hold it against me, roomie. I hope that you won't look at me differently. This is all very embarrasing for me, but you seem to be handling it very well.

Thank you,

Thursday, September 08, 2005

When Peace Like a River
attendeth my way
when sorrows like sea billows roll
whatever my lot
thou has taught me to say
it is well, it is well with my soul

I love that song, it always encourages me to know that no matter what happens to me, it's really all good in the scheme of things. My Lord is the Prince of Peace and I give him all the thanks and praise for doing wonders in my life.

Before complaining, I really have to look at my whole situation. This black girl, born to a single parent, raised on the south side of Chicago, had plenty of opportunities to amount to NOTHING. Of the people in my neighborhood, I know of only 2 (including myself) who went to college. Many more have children, and are still just hanging around the block.

We didn't have much money growing up, and I can indeed remember a few embarrasing times having to pay for snacks with the food stamps my mother handed me. But I never did go hungry. I can remember lights, phone, and gas all being turned off at one point or another, but I never froze to death, and certainly didn't suffer for not watching tv.

Then we moved to Bloomington, which was the most dramatic [traumatic] event of my life so far. I was separated from everything I'd loved and known, and displaced to a highly unfamiliar and uncomfortable circumstance. My mother, stepfather, little sister and I lived in a ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT for 3 years!! My sister and I alternated between sleeping on a mattress on the floor, a futon, and the couch. God still blessed. We found a wonderful church home, and I began to meet people who would make amazing changes in my life.

High School, hated it. Nevertheless it was a blessing. I recieved a decent education, and encountered a few teachers who made a difference in my life, and could see through my uninterest in school enough to know that I had plenty of untapped potential. I took trips (Florida, London, Scotland) FOR FREE. I won awards (though I probably never had above a C average) I recieved a SCHOLARSHIP (that is paying for my tuition today), God blessed, and I went on to college.

My first day of college, and I run into a woman who I met my freshman or sophmore year of high school, and she tells me about a Student Support Services (TRIO) program called Project Rise. I joined, and it definately had an impact on my college success. I referred to the woman as my "school mother", because she was the one to give me the educational advice, guidance, and support that I know my mother would have, had she gone to college.

I made it through that school, earning my Associate's degree (though it is a small one, I am proud to say I have a degree ya'll. don't take my joy lol. . .) and am now at Illinois State University. My mother and family are proud of me, My pastor and his wife are proud of me, and the people who helped me along the way are proud as well. I am proud too, I'm here a Junior in college! It still feels weird to say it.

I have had more than my share of opportunities to fail (including the time when I wanted to drop out of high school at 16 and get my G.E.D.) but I didn't. God has kept me strong on every level, and has been with me every step of the way. I can't complain.

Sure, I don't have any books and my bank account is in the whole. Sure, there's so many things (materially) that I feel like I need. Sure, I deal with my share (maybe more than my share?) of issues, but I cannot let them hold me down. "still I rise" I WILL NOT let them hold me down. I am headed toward the top, and I'm taking it step by step. In a few years, you will be getting an invitation to my graduation in which I will be presented with a fake bachelor's degree (but the real one will be in the mail ya'll!) And THEN, a short while after that, get ready for the presentation of that Master's degree. Perhaps a Doctorate to follow??

Elizabeth Robinson, Ph.D

Ohhh yes, that looks good.