Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Un dia mas...

One more day to go until the end of the semester for me. One would think I'd be more excited, but considering all I still have to do before I get to my break, I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

This should be my last night of the year staying up till ridiculously late hours at Milner Library doing work while trying to keep myself awake because I've wasted so much time on facebook instead of working.

This will be my last time of the year writing a paper on a book that I neither have read nor own.

This will be my last night with the Milner late night crew. A few of us are faithfully here until 2 a.m. at least a few times a week. I say we should get some kind of VIP status but I guess that's not for me to decide.

This should be my last makeshift computer lab dinner (on tonight's menu: cheddar ranch flavor twist fritos and frappuccino. Oatmeal raisin cookie for dessert). No wonder my stomach is always hurting.

To this night I give a toast with my last drops of vanilla Frappuccino.

*sidenote- I love my YahooLaunch station! I forgot I had made one a while ago, and so far it is straight JAMMIN'. It started out with "I believe" by Sounds of Blackness, followed my "Lay your head on my pillow" by Tony! Toni! Tone!. "Feenin" by Jodeci. Erykah Badu "Next Lifetime", then they had the NERVE to play "Let's Chill" by Guy (okay, I never knew who it was by). I was vibin to this song, I didn't remember all the words, but I knew the melody and parts of the chorus. I was all like Aww yeea! when I looked at the date of the song-1990. A throwback, yes. Then I realized I was only 5 years old at that time! But I can remember singing my little butt off to it. That might have been around the time when my mother had to have a little talk with first-grade me singing "oooo ooo ooo ooo, I wanna sex you up!" verbatim. Wooh chile! That was when music was good.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Where have I been??

I didn't realize it until now, but I have seriously been on a whole different page academically for these past few weeks. The week before break all I could focus on was break, then we had break, and the week after break I was trying to get back into the swing of it all, and looking foward to the end. That means I've done next to nothing for the past 3 weeks, and tonight I guess I'll be making up for that.

Where have I been?

For one of the subjects in my notebook I have a whole MONTHs worth of missing notes. The funny thing is that the notes stop on my birthday (9/27) and there are about 20-30 blank pages until the next set of notes which starts in November. Whhhat? I'm thinking I must have torn some notes out, but I hardly have any on this last unit. *gah*

Where have I been?

I forgot to eat today. I didn't remember until I was sitting here in the computer lab wondering why I couldn't focus. I realized I was hungry, and then remembered that I hadn't really eaten since breakfast. How does that happen?

But alas, it's finals week, and I must come back.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

2006: What shall the future hold?

2ra and I were talking the other night about our goals/resolutions (I prefer calling them goals) for 2006. She aims for financial stability which I think is a great goal, especially for a 21 yr. old. The jurl is getting her focus on! I likes that ;)

As for me. . .I don't really know what to expect out of 2006, or what to plan for. I usually don't do the whole resolution thing but goal making is a new part of my repertoire. I've been turning over in my head what my goals should be for '06.

Whatever I do in '06, I want to make it a big year. I want it to be a year that when I'm done with it, I won't have to strain to remember what happened in it (as I have with '05) because life changing things will be going down. I want to make it a year of much personal growth. Of course, each goal needs a game plan.

First, I plan on removing the negativity. People, attitudes, even personal behaviors that I despise all need to be purged. I purge negativity on an as needed basis, but '06 is gonna be the year when stuff is gonna straight get CUT OFF if it's bringing me down. I refuse to flirt with negativity and entertain its vices.

I plan on adding positivity. I will surround myself with positive-minded and goal oriented people. People who are going places and making moves. Individuals who are intellectual and conscious and who will add substance to my life. I also plan on making moves of my own. I will be working less, and will have more time to devote to my studies and extra-curricular activities that I would like to do such as volunteering, and focusing more on my duties at church.

I plan on getting professionally involved in my field-Sociology. Fall '06 will mark the beginning of my Senior year *butterflies* and I definately need to be getting experience in by then. Hopefully an internship in the summer, and perhaps a job might open up from that, or from another avenue.

I plan on traveling. I already have a destination in mind, but I'm keeping it low until I get more details. I will however be going somewhere for a period of at least a few weeks. A month would be nice, but you know, school and all.

I plan on being more focused. I definately need to be academically focused, especially since I plan on graduating on time. I need also to be spiritually focused, as my spirituality is a major pat of my being. I need to STAY saved, and to continue to strengthen my spiritual walk with God and carry out his will. I cannot afford to neglect this aspect. I also plan to be more focused in my work, and to strengthen my work ethic (this will be difficult).

I almost forgot. I definately plan on finding and applying to a graduate school *bites nails*. A little scary to think of, but I'm looking forward to it.

At the moment, this is all I can think of, but this is plenty to start with. Playtime is over, and it's high time to be making positive and productive changes in my life.

Lets do this in 2006.

Monday, November 28, 2005

couldn't believe I'd found this school
couldn't believe it was so ME
can't believe i wanted it so bad
I was willing to ignore the $32,000 tuition
And the teeny tiny size
because i knew it was the key to my future
and that admission meant that I was smart
probably smarter than them
and I would show ALL OF THEM
that i was gonna be somebody
and that my fears of not being successful
were foolish nightmares
like those of the boogeyman

But i didn't wanna know if my nightmares might come true
so instead of you not chosing me
i didnt choose you.
She misses having me as a friend.
what an honor
it makes me feel special but
it's a little hard being that friend
she looks to me to show her the way
and sometimes
i ain't goin the right way
or even how
it makes me sad to see her move in with her boyfriend
because she thinks she's in love
and wants to have his baby
and let him stop her from going to school
even though he's a drug dealer
and hurts her when they have sex, but she won't tell him
and i see the sparkle in her brown eyes
and the potential in her smiling freckled face
and I don't want to be the friend who couldn't help her.
I realize that
all of my words
narrations and
will not give you much of an insight.

I also realize that
though you may walk
5 and a half days in my Payless shoes
your feet will still not be flat and wide.

You feel me?
When I Drink Cola

Upon the first swig, my mouth is rushed with the sensation of aproximately 15,027 tiny, cold, vibrating bubbles.
I am shocked until the sugar gently rolls upon my tongue.
The dark
syrupy liquid
trickles down my throat,
and the cold bubbly caffeine calms my nerves.
PepsiCocaRC tastes good to me.
You are asking for too much.

I am supposed to be writing this paper for my minority relations class. It's very interesting, as it is an autobiography and I for one enjoy telling my story from my point of view and explaining they why's and how's because nobody can tell it like me. (Hence the blog,-Let Me Tell You). So I'm thinking autobiography? Cool, bring it on! I knows my story! But this woman is asking for TOO MUCH.

The paper is 4-5 pages (no sweat). She wants us to examine how our race, class, gender, and sexual identities have formed who we are (no sweat). But to do all of that in only 4-5 pages? That is too much. I just got done with race and gender (um, should I cite myself from using 2 gender paragraphs from a previous autobiography??) and I'm already at a full 3 pages. I adjusted the margins, so I might be able to fit a small paragraph at the bottom of the third page. How many pages is it gonna take for me to say that I'm Black, po (yes, po), female, and straight? I could crank out at least 6-7 *shrug*.

I'm usually that person changing the font to arial (mmhm, just a lil bit bigger), fixing the side margins to 1.25 instead of 1 inch, separating paragraphs, and placing extra ENTERs after my heading and title just to get a lil more page length. Now I'm reducing margins, taking out ENTERs and even cutting out SO much I wanna say so I can fit in the 4-5 pages.

This is new, and I must say that is is all TOO MUCH, I definately like it better than trying to stretch a paper *_.*

Thursday, November 24, 2005

My Family

This year we spent Thanksgiving at my Grandmother's (on my mother's side) house. We came down Wednesday night. I've had a pleasant time, and some time to reflect.

My uncle (my mother's brother) came over with his new baby. His name is Kendall (woulda been named Kenneth after my uncle, but the woman already had a child with that name. One of her 7) This makes baby number 5, baby mama number 3, no kinda job. I sat back and was watching him and my mother talk, and it amazed me how much they look alike. They could really be twins. They are 5 years apart, but my mother is aging gracefully, and he has lived a harder life. They have the same hairline (though his is quite exaggeratedly receding), I call it the Trambles hairline. The same bright 'yella' skintone. Even the same expression in their similarly hazel eyes. They kinda talk alike, and even have similar senses of humor. Such different lifestlyes though. Vastly different.

I told myself not to get into any socio-political conversations this time (they ain't ready). I knew it would be a challenge, because the state of the world and current events are always popular topics. I need to stay away from my new ever-popular statement: "What is that supposed to mean?" cuz its always strikes a convo.

They were talking about a barbeque joint in town that doesn't get much business and my uncle said "Its all a bunch of Puerto-Ricans up in there anyway." What's that supposed to mean? Puerto-Ricans can't barbeque? He says, "Well. . .I don't kno. . .It was just a statement." Then my grandmother starts talking about how America now wants everybody to learn Spanish because of all the Latinos coming into the U.S.

Naaah, don't get me started.

Today we were pulling the table apart to expand it, but my grandmother, mother and I couldn't seem to figure it out after a couple minutes. My grandmother called in her boyfriend to help us, and he got it. My mother mentioned something about "We needed them big strong manly muscles. If it weren't for you, we woulda just been starving." What is that supposed to mean? Is that to say that as women, we are incapable of doing what he just did? My mother mentioned something about "all that feminist stuff". I said, "Do I have to quote Sojurner Truth's monolouge, 'arn't I a woman?'"

Don't even get me started.

We ate, talked, laughed, had a nice time. I kept my mouth closed PLENTY and watched my family be their crazy selves. I am thankful for them, and I can't WAIT to write about my country relatives down in Arkansas once I meet them. Get ready, get ready!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

"You make decisions, I make moves"

This was singlehandedly the most profound thing my cousin Jerome has EVER said to me. He hasn't known me for long, but I guess it doesn't take much time to figure out. We were at Wal*Mart (note-evil) shopping for some things to cook for dinner (note-I so miss cooking) and I would look at and compare prices and sizes of things, apparently far too extensively. What? I wanted to make the right choices. That's when he said it, "You make decisions, I make moves."

And sometimes I wanna make moves too. There are TONS of moves I would love to make, like:

Do a study abroad program in Latin America
Get a job where I can use my Spanish and my Sociology
Study a Semester at the University of Wisconsin
Begin to invest my money (Gotta start thinking about retirement)
Put together some activities at church for the kids

But as of yet I have done nothing to even prepare to make those moves. I haven't even made the move to cash my check from 2 pay periods ago!!!

"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure"

Why is it so hard for me to make moves? All of my decision making gets in the way. All of the "what if's", plan B's, and uncertainties keep me from doing anything (ooh that rhymes). I end up milling about life and doing my best to deal with what is handed to me instead of making things happen. Making changes, affecting instead of getting affected, taking risks. . .

This cup of uncertainty is bittersweet.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

All Work and No Play. . .
Makes Elizabeth a sad, sad, girl :(

Girls just wanna have fun, and I'm no exception people. I have put in some work this semester. Goin to class, goin to work, goin to work, goin to church, goin to the library, goin to class again-that's basically a rundown of the weeks. I miss having fun. Can I have a day or 2 of act goofy, outcho mind, you-so-crazy, laugh till it hurts fun? That good ol' fun that wears you out so that when your head hits the pillow *snap* you're gone. That mad fun that you hated wrap up cuz the street lights were bouta come on. That double dutch, hide and go seek, freeze tag, yo-mama joke, hot summer day with a half-melted freezepop runnin for the icecream truck even tho you ain't got no money outside playin all day with the kids on the block cuz that's what's fun FUN.

I need some of that.

College fun consists of going out, dancing, drinking, and whatever else being under the inflluence might include, but I don't do any of that. The closest thing I've had to fun is having a "nice time" (see-2ra's B-day shindig *ahem* that's me far right). If not for that, I might be close to insanity.

I need get-out-of-your-seat fun. Something a little less calm and serious, cuz everyday life is that. Calm and serious is who I inherently am, but I'm needing a break from the monotony. I was chatting with friendboy today, and he was telling me how he's "finna be kickin it hard this weekend" because he hasn't had any social life these past 3 weeks. (Must be nice.)

In that case, I need to be kicking the ISH out if it and beating it like it like a red-headed stepchild that done stole something and owes me money.

I won't walk around all depressed and frowning, no, I shall continue with life and maintain my joy. But if you're having some crazysexycool fun that you think I might wanna take part in, send some of them vibes my way :)

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Blog Hopping
Journal Jogging

I have this heavy feeling on my heart. I feel grieved and saddened. I read an article in the campus newspaper today about a party on this college campus with the theme of "straight thuggin". People wore gold chains and hats cocked to the side, and didn't cause any disturbances. They basically just listened to some rap music and chilled, and there were only about 20 people there. This party was cause for a discussion with the Racial Relations department of the campus, because they were concerned that it "parodied racial stereotypes" and that it would further isolate black students on campus.

I got heated. I got into "blackfolkscan'thavenothin" mode. Why when we do something that is culturally representative of a part black culture (the whole rap scene did not originate with anybody else) we have to come under criticism?? DANG. We can't just enjoy ourselves?

Then I read "About 4% of the university's 4,667 undergraduate students are black. None of the students who attended the party were black."

Aw Hell to the Naw!!!!!

(forgive any lack of political correctness to follow.)
I'm through. I am so very tired of dealing with RACE on an everyday basis. Everyday I have to be Black. I do not have a problem with my blackness as it is, because I think it is wonderful. My ancestors and people have a rich and vibrant heritage and culture, one to be proud of. My people are strong and noble. What I have a problem with is being Black as opposed to being White.

What am I trying to say? Please stick with me, I don't wanna lose you.

Of course we know that in America, White is the standard. Anyone who is anything other than white isn't viewed as what they are: Latino, Persian, East Asian, Black, Native American, etc. NO, they are instead viewed as "Non-White".

Of course we know that the Black/White racial relation is the most extreme in this country due to slavery. Other groups indeed encounter racism, and my intent is not to ignore or deny that, but to focus on this Black/White thing, because that is where my primary concern lies.

I'm sick of being Black as opposed to being White. I'm also sick of making sure that I don't harbor my anger and become mad at whitefolks. (the term whitefolks refers to the race and the dominating system of whiteness, not Whites as individuals). I am sick of dealing with what is called "the fact of blackness" which means that no matter what I achieve, accomplish, am capable of, and do, I am Black, and that will always be significant.

*sigh* more on this later. I have FAR too many thoughts to formulate a discussion in this post alone.

Monday, October 31, 2005

God is a good God

Yeeesss Heee Issssss.......

That's one of my favorite praise songs to sing because it is so true. He truly is good. This past weekend was probably the busiest this semester, and it was CRAZY.

Friday-Worked in the morning at TJ Maxx (9:30-4:30), then went home to get ready for church. Church started at 7, which meant to be there by 6:30 or so. Had church, it was GOOD. after cleaning up, we left around 11ish.

Saturday- I planned on having the morning to do homework and prepare for the day, but I ended up having to go to work at the Buckle because I didn't finish all the alterations from Wednesday. 11 a.m.-Worked like a dog/Hebrew slave (okay, maybe a lil exxageration) to finish everything in time. The sewing machine has been acting up (causing me more trouble) and we are almost out of blue thread (and um, most jeans are blue ya'll) but do you think the manager cares?? 3:30 p.m.-Ran to the store after work to grab something to add to my outfit to wear to the "Grown and Sexy" dinner at 4:00 (which ended up looking more like a business meeting dinner lol. But we did look grown *nod*) 3:50-Got home and dressed as quickly as I could, put on a touch of makeup in the car, and preceeded to dine with my friends. 6:00-Ran and took some pics in the dark after eating, 6:20-rushed to church, changed into my church clothes and shortly after I changed it was time for me to go up and lead worship and praise. After church, went downstairs to serve the food, stayed to clean up, got home around 1 a.m. *phew* Tried to stay up and make a quick outfit for the next day, but my machine was acting up, so I just went to bed.

Sunday- 7:30 a.m. decided to turn off my alarm clock. Sunday school was cancelled, so we didn't have to be at church until 11. I got up around 10:30, body aching, seriously contemplated not going, but knew I needed to. Quickly settled on something to wear (and I do mean settled). Popped some buttery kettle corn for breakfast and ran out of the house with church shoes unbuckled, extra clothes, and bag of breakfast in hand. Had church, it was good. 2:30-Get to my mother's house after much contemplation on where to go/what to eat. Ate some soup and wanted to wanted to sleep so bad, but it was soon time to go back to church. 4:00-Went back to church, had another good service to close with. 8:30-Served food again, and cleaned up while EVERYBODY ELSE LEFT THE CHURCH!!!! It was only me, Sonia, and my little sister, and that girl didn't hardly do anything. Errrbody else was ghost, but that's okay. Left around 10.

A sista seriously needs some sleeping in.

I had LOTS of work to get done for today (group project due tomorrow and group hadn't met yet, 3 page paper, study for a test tomorrow, do 3 reading summaries), especially since I didn't get to do any this weekend. I was getting a little anxious about it, wondering how it would all get done, but the Lord made a way. When they talk about a "way out of no way", thats what I experienced today. You know I had to give him the praise.

I managed to squeeze in a good long talk with Obie this weekend too. We talked for almost 2 hours, and I learned a lot of interesting things. We also discussed the time he tried to kiss me (did I tell ya'll about that?) He actually brought it up to use it as an example of how he interprets actions or something. I didn't mention that I knew he would try something before he actually did, it might have hurt his pride or sum'. Anywho, come to find out, he still likes me. He used the words "I'm attracted to you. . . , I find you attractive." :0 Fa Reeelz homie? Noone has ever put it in those words. I've heard "I like you" and things of that nature, and even lies of "I love you" but this was a new experience. I was seriously shocked but he coulda told a sista a minute ago. *sigh* Too bad he read my unaccepting actions as "rejection", but I'll let him think what he wants for now. I told him he should've just asked me what I thought of him instead of trying to interpret from my actions. LOL Silly boi.

So, it was quite a full and heavy weekend, and I seriously need a day to recouperate, rest, and meditate on everything. How was your weekend?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Super Chiliz!!!
(A reflection)

There she is, Super Chiliz here to save the day! She comes flying in upon the whisper of request, equipped and ready to fulfill.

*sigh* I wish I could save the world. Really, I do. I consider it to be a problem, one that I've had ever since I can remember. When I was younger, I prayed as earnestly and sincerely as my little heart could manage for world peace and for everyone to get along. I could not fathom why my Lord, so gentle, peaceful, and kind would allow such a cruel world to exist. I watched the news with my mother and images of war, violence, depravation, and national strife flashed before my little eyes, and I knew that there must be a reason. Perhaps because noone thought to pray for peace? So I made it my mission. I would singlehandedly (with God's help of course lol) make this world a more liveable place because I would pray for peace. What Genius!!!

Years later, I still find myself wanting to save the world. I feel like I have been blessed/cursed with an overwhelming sense of compassion (but shhhh, don't tell. I don't think anybody knows). But I have this compassion, this desire to make changes in the world, and even just in individuals' lives, but no means to do so. I am a 20 year old college student living in a world that lacks the compassion that I know so well. I cannot make a difference alone! In case you cannot fathom, this is a VERY frustrating and saddening state. To know that people are hurting, hungry, suffering, impoverished, ignorant, malnutritioned, etc. and not be able to do anything about it? And to see nothing being done about it? To know that the concerns of the majority of the world's population are unheard, unknown, and not considered to be important by essentially the rest of the whole WORLD??

It kills me.

I think this is one of the major reasons why I have decided to pursue Sociology as my major, because it is usually social factors that contribute to these problems, and if the social factors can be changed, people's lives can be changed for the better (note-do not confuse with social work).

But that's beside the point. The point is that I still wanna save the world, and since I realize that I can't do it on a global or even national basis, I attempt to do it on a much smaller, interpersonal scale. If someone has a need, I make sure I do what I can within my limits to make it happen. Whether it be to listen, give advice, give money whatever. I'm not a people pleaser, but I do it for me. It's so personally fulfilling and gratifying to be able to help someone, to fulfill a need, but I can't do it all.

I want to, but I can't.

I try to, but I just can't.

There always comes a point in each semester (yes, we college students measure time in semesters) that I lose balance and become overwhelmed. That time has come for me. I have lost balance on emotional and physical plains. I have lost balance between my schooling and work. I have lost relational balances. In my attempt to restore balance, save my world, and save the world in other realms, I am going to lose my head. I am not Atlas, and I do not have the ability to carry the world on my shoulders. I know well the relief of taking my burdens to the Lord, its just that I consistently feel the need to figure everything out, and this disharmony makes everything cloudy.

I'm digressing no?

Back to saving the world. I can't do it. I simply can't do everything that I want to, which upsets me because all that I want to do is something positive, inspiring, and necessary for the smooth operation of society, whichever facet of society that may be, because virtually everything is a part of society. (was that a run-on sentence?)

Anyway, I was going to bring this around full-circle to make my point, but I have forgotten what I wanted to say.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Dear Whomever You May Be,

I'm writing this letter in all sincerity. I don't really know what all to say, but the most important thing is that you come and get me RIGHT NOW. It's time for me to go away for a little while, so as soon as you get here I will be ready to leave. Please come soon.

If you don't, I don't know what might happen. Perhaps my brain will explode, or maybe just stop working altogether. There has just been a little too much pressure lately and I need to get away before it gets the best of me.

Can you please come before I learn anything new? I have my limit of 5 new things to learn, and I think after that I will be done for. Everytime I learn something new, I become more confused. What I thought was my world no longer seems to be that. What I thought was A is B. I don't know what to believe, think, or do.

I have to decide which version of reality is real. That is a big task for one person.

But really, does it matter which version of reality I think is real? Because regardless of which I think is real, the same version is going to be real that has always been real, even real before my realization of a true reality. *breath* So if I have been living and perceiving untruths and variations of truth thus far in life, should I change that?

Now is a crucial time, a time to be more real with myself than I have ever been. I've had problems with denial in the past, but now the last person I need lying to me is myself, so I just gotta be raw with the facts.

I'm sick of deceit, lies, versions and portions of truth/untruth. I'm tired of weeding out the real from the unreal, or at least attempting to do so, and then becoming upset with the findings. Is this supposed to be the product of knowledge and enlightenment? It is far too much work and I for one, cannot keep up.

Please come and get me soon.

Monday, October 10, 2005

I've got a feelin. . .

OK OK, i promise to make this quick. I'm bouta go study (which I have been telling myself since last night, but haven't done so yet) cuz I have this test tomorrow. I'm not expecting it to be an A+, but miracles do happen. Besides, its all objective anyway. I figure I have a 1 in 4 chance on every question. . . :D

I have made an informal goal/vow to myself. While it is sad that I need to make such a vow, I gotta keep it real cuz I know myself, and I see far too many possibilities. (don't laugh at me ya'll) I have made a vow not to sleep with anyone for the rest of my academic career at ISU. Don't be mistaken, I'm no ho, and neither do I forsee ho-ish actions in my future. All I'm sayin is that stuff happens. Sometimes stuff can be made to happen just due to the combination of boredom and opportunity. I know that stuff happening is NOT what I need in my life at all (I'm tryin to stay saved ya'll), so making this vow will just be a reinforcement of my willpower not to. . . do stuff. I'm expecting that it will be quite easy.

NOW, lemme give u some dirt. This is girl talk ok? I have this feeling deep DEEP down that somebody is gonna try to get some stuff started with me. Don't ask me how I know, some things Eliz just knows. This friend has lately been like "hey, when are you coming over?" and has been calling a sista on at least a weekly basis, which is the higest frequency of communication since we first met. I smell something in the air, and I'm so sure that this homie has something up his sleeve. I personally think he wants to try me, and it definately has something to do with the Max thing. LOL just last night homie professed his love to me. Yes Yes Ya'll, and it don't stop.

As for the guy who I like (I'd prefer to refrain from calling him a 'crush'), he is doing well. I try not to talk about him much because I need to keep it on the DL. I'm still not sure if it is attraction, maybe it's just a high level of respect. In any event, perhaps I'm making the situation bigger than what it needs to be on a mental level. I've found myself thinking about him more (ack), and even gettting slight fluttery feelings-yes, just slight ones, don't get it twisted. I don't like that, because I know it means that something is now happening with my HEART and that is NOT good. I definately don't want this to be one of those crazy "I think about you all the time cuz I'm crazy about you" things. But the more I see him, am around him, and talk to him, the more I am intrigued and am "feelin his vibe" lol.

I don't mean to be feelin all up on his vibe, but I hope he knows he can, uh. . . feel mine too. =_= yeea.

I'll keep u updated.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Tonight I would love to write you something interesting. Something to maybe stimulate your thoughts, or make you laugh. I would especially love to make you laugh, but I'm not really a funny person. *sigh* Guess I just felt like blogging. . .

Writing is always a good release. Since I started blogging I've left my personal journal (which I just call my book) pretty lonely. Sometimes I miss writing in it, but I often find it hard to gather up the energy to do so. lol it's like writing is so much work. But I always love reading past entries, cuz I always remember each event just like it was yesterday. Everything from Freshman year homecoming, to not being friends with Angela anymore, to Daryl's death, to my trip abroad. I smile as I flip through the pages.

Lately I have not been feeling well on several levels. It seems that this happens every now and again, just an overall ill feeling.

I feel confused. I feel like everything I have always known means nothing. That all the information I have been fed are all lies, and that the truth, subjective as it may be, is nearly impossible to find. This is a very frustrating feeling.

I also feel uncomfortable here at Illinois State. I'm ready to leave here, and settle in the place where I belong, wherever that may be. I think I should've been born a different kinda animal. Maybe a tropical bird, or some type of. . .oh, I don't even know.

I saw Max the other day (I am so ready to be through with him) at Wal-Mart. I wished him a happy belated birthday (I remembered, cuz his is the day after mine), but he didn't wish me one. Was it wrong for me to be a little upset? It's not like my birthday was in a different month or like he didn't know when it was. It's the day after his! :-( Whatever. My mother said "Elizabeth, he's a man". I said "So what??". Then she mentioned someting about "emotional crumbs" being left over. Hecks yea there's emotional crumbs.

I think I've taken out my overall ill feelings on some unsuspecting victims. These girls on my floor have a dry-erase board on their door, and write little stupid stuff on there. One day while walking past, I decided to just run my finger through the writing, which of course wipes it off. Then I discovered that I LIKE doing it, and would actually look forward to it once I got on my floor. It would just give me a little thrill.

Then they started getting mad and leaving threatening messages on the board. It went from:
"Whatever ho keeps erasing our board is gonna get slapped. I will find you. . ."
"You have managed to piss me off you F*ing B*ch. I will find your A* and beat you down"

Yea right. First of all you ain't gon' find me cuz I'm slick like oil baby, and second of all if you wanna fight then bring it. Because you are just like all the rest of the girls here at ISU that I'm tired of seeing every dang day, and knocking you out will actually make me feel good. So let's go.

Recently, I've stopped erasing, but mostly because somebody else is doing it now (which I find to be hilarious and sad at the same time). I think whoever the other eraser is, she is just doing it because of the written reaction she gets from the board owners. But that's not good. She even erased the board of the girl right across from me, and she's really nice! An innocent victim. That other eraser needs to get her own mean trick, don't go stealing mine. How she gon' cop my style??

It's that lack of individuality ya'll.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Happy Birthday to Meeeeee

Happy Birthday Elizabeth!! I love you!

I have decided to create my own birthday happiness instead of leaving it in the hands of friends, parents, and others. So the first step in creating birthday happiness was to extend my birthday(s).

I have declared the 26th, 27th, and 28th as my birthday(s), as it allows for pre, during, and post birthday celebrations.

Then, I have decided to get my own presents. on my pre-birthday, I went shopping for clothes, but didn't find much. I did however find the cutest suit. Its a skirt and jacket, white with either black or navy pinstripes. If I had a digi-cam, I'd surely share a pic with you. Best thing about it, it was ON SALE YA'LL!!!! Then I found some cute sunglasses. The only bad thing was that they had fake Louis Vuitton symbols on the side, but hey, they were on sale for $5. I could deal.

The highlight of my pre-birthday was the homettes bringing me the 'fridge from Elvis. I can now have cold beverages and food in my room. Thanks girls, and thanks Elvis!

After the girls left, I sang "Happy birthday to me" on the elevator ride up. I was lonely, and it was quite sad :( Also my sunglasses broke, which was equally sad because it's hard for me to find cute ones.

Today though, was the day I was looking forward to. The peak of my birthday(s) was to come with the ownership of the new India.Arie CD. I even dreamed about it. I could see it there on the shelf. I could feel the plastic in my hand. I could hear the sweet melodies and earnest tones in every lyric she sang.

But alas, there was no India.Arie CD to be found. I went to FOUR different stores and none of them had it, so I'm assuming the release date got pushed back. So since the only thing I had been looking foward to for the day turned out to be a drag, I went back home and slept. I slept through all of my classes, and barely got up at 4 to get ready for work. I had bought some superglue at one of the stores to fix my sunglasses with, but it didn't work. I bought a different CD while I was out, but it really sucked, and I don't think I can return it.

The highlight of the day was actually going to work. I was at the GED tutoring job, and mostly worked with one girl tonight, helping her with geometry. I remembered how much I hated geometry in high school, but it felt so good helping her understand. Maybe I should go into education? Just another thought for me to brew.

The other highlight was the happy birthday messages. I got a few on hi5 (which i never even bother with anymore), and a bunch on facebook (Obi even called me). Here's my favorites:

Jamie: Happy Birthday, Elizabeth. I feel like there should be something more profound to say than that. Hoorah? Anyway. . .now that we live, you know, five minutes from each other we should do dinner or something as stereotypically cheesy as that.

Jonathan: Congratulation on make it to your 20th Birthday. On your next one, I'm gone by you a 5th of something strong, but until then live it up. Enjoy this day it never come again. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Elvis: I want to say" Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to yooouuu woo oowwo wooo "
And I would also like to say "Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to meeee-eeeeee. Happy Birthday to me. And many moooooore!

*proceeds to break it down with Stevie Wonder's (aka the black) version)*

Friday, September 23, 2005

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To. . .

You would cry too if it happened to you.

Well, it's almost that special time of year again. That special time that marks the day of my entry into this world.

My birthday is coming up. (Tuesday the 27th)

The birthday blues are setting in already. I normally get all depressed and gloomy around this time of year, and especially on my birthday. Perhaps it has more to do with the autumnal equinox than the acknowledgement of my aging, but nevertheless it happens.

I don't plan on doing anything special for my birthday other than taking myself out to breakfast (by myself) before class. Perhaps I will buy myself something special, or maybe I'll just save the money.

I'm trying not to plan on getting anything special since that would only get my hopes up, but it's hard. It's my birthday!! It should be the day that I am everybody's princess and the world loves me (okay, maybe a little far fetched). It should be a happy day of surprises from those who love you most. Ah, but alas I know it will be a day like every other, both busy and tiring.

And on top of that, this year's birthday will be flooded with memories of what I was doing this time last year. That my friends, does not help (though I can't believe it's been a whole year).

Perhaps birthdays are too glorified in the media, which is why I consistently feel dissapointed in mine each year.

In any effect, it's almost my birthday.


Monday, September 19, 2005

something different something more
a ray of light in this overcast sky
would do wonders for my soul

It was so hard to get out of bed today. As a matter of fact, I think I might just go back when I get done online. Last night while I was sleeping, so cozy under my blanket, i heard a huge BOOM. It was SO LOUD! Both me and my roomate woke right up and looked at each other like "whaaaattt???". I looked at the clock- 3:30 a.m. Come to find out it was thunder, lightning, and rain outside. Good gosh that was some loud thunder. I opened the curtains so that I could look outside (I actually can get several inches of a view of the outside world from my window) and watch the storm. It was really pretty, especially over the lights of the buildings on campus. But I was too tired, and fell asleep thinking about how strange it was for it to be raining, yet there was no rain hitting my window, and neither could I hear the rain because of hte position of my room.

I had to get up early this morning to take my timesheets in to work before 8:30. The sky was so overcast and dark. It looked like the clouds were gonna break any minute and the rain would pour out, like from a bucket. Then I saw a rainbow. It was beautiful. I took my eyes off of it for a minute, and then it was gone, but that's okay.

I went back home, ate some cereal, and climbed right back into the bed. I was looking outside (one of my favorite things to do while in bed) and watching all the students milling about, and watching the trees sway in the breeze, it was all quite serene. I think I would like to go to a school next to water. . . Is SanDiego near water?

Oh, and I was gonna tell you about this guy. I think I like him, but this is different. I wouldn't call it a crush, and it certainly isn't lust. I just. . .like him. He's a cool guy to talk to. We like similar music, and have a few interests in common. The fact that I know nothing about cars and sports doesn't seem to bother him too much either lol. And even though he is into cars and sports, he's not one of "those guys". He seems to be quite well rounded, and I know he comes from a good family.

He's also intelligent. Nothing like an intelligent brotha who can speak his mind with clarity. He has a wonderful sense of humor, but is not a person who is always just trying to get a laugh. I like his physique too. It's nothing amazing, but he has these beautiful broad shoulders *swoon* that I would just love to massage (sorry, I can't help it). I was sitting behind him one day and just had the urge to touch him. His shoulders, his back, rub his head, play with his ears, caress his face. (If I ever get to do this, I plan on making it quite a sensational experience) Now don't get me wrong, it's not in a sexual way. As a matter of fact, I definately don't want anything to do with him from the waist down. I've not really thought extensively about kissing him, except to know what it might feel like (but of course now I'm gonna have to think about it).

I don't want it to be a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, certainly not. I'm not really attracted to him like that. I would like it to be more of a friendship with benefits. The benefit not being sexual, but just an intimacy on a mental, spiritual, and slightly physical level that exceeds the boundaries of mere friendship, but does not transgress those of a relationship.

Anyway, I said all that to say that I like him.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Where Have All the Fine Boys Gone?

Wih the thousands of students on ISU campus, one would expect to run into an exceptionally good looking individual at least once a day. Not so. In fact, only today have I seen one such individual, and this is the 4th or 5th week of school! I expected more from this place. . .

But maybe it's just me. Perhaps I have overlooked several individuals deserving of recogniton of thier good looks. (by the way, I give extremely good looking people little recognition because they have usually gotten enough over their lifetime) Perhaps I am too selective in my definitons of "fine-ness", but in any event, my eye-candy needs have not been satisfied.

Another issue. I am considering (just a thought for now ya'll, don't go getting all crazy on me) transferring to another school. ISU is an okay environment, but I am upset about the lack of diversity. Of course, our nation is comprised of mostly whites, but I think I would much more enjoy going to school where there are a variety of faces, values, skin tones, beliefs, and practices. Here at ISU, everybody seems to be the same. Everyone is "one of them". I look around and it upsets me that pretty much everyone looks, acts, and dresses the same way. They have similar frames of reference, and therefore similar outlooks on life. I need more.

I think part of what truly sparked this feeling in me was a comment a teacher made. I have to wonder if this lady has been living under a ROCK for the past several decades. She teaches my Minority Relations class, but of course has no background on the experiences of any minority, except for that of being a female. She said "I recently came across some reasearch that said that even in present times, now in 2005, there are some high schools in Illinois that are as much as 98% Black, and some that are 100% white! I just couldn't believe in this day and age that segregation could still be so strong."

UH DUH LADY!! That's no great revalation, I coulda told you that. Let me take you back to the neighborhood that I came from, where there were no people of any other color but black, and CERTAINLY no whites. As a matter of fact, I only knew a handful of white people growing up (depsite being called a white girl for years), and they were teachers at school. Then let me take you to the Chinese part of the city (yes, specifically Chinese, not Asian), the Polish part, the Jewish part, the Persian part, the Mexican part, the Black part, and the White part. Come back to the real future lady. Not the post-Civil Rights movement-all together in harmony-sing Kumbaya and sway side to side image that may be in your mind.


All I'm sayin is that more diversity would be a wonderful thing to me. I mentioned this to my mother, you know, trying to let her feel involved in my life and stuff, and she flipped. According to her, it doesn't matter who the heck is going to my school, I just need to get my degree and get out, because none of the other students have anything to do with me. When she said that, I wanted to cry because I knew she didn't understand, and wouldn't understand no matter how much I would try to explain and justify, and that it would end up another bitter disagreement of viewpoints like so many others, and all I wanted her to do was understand.

I needed for her to understand because I think she was the first person I had actually talked to about it, and I needed for her to support me, and to know that it can be difficult to learn and live in an environment in which you are uncomfortable and unsatisfied. After all, college is not just about obtaining that degree, but there is a whole social aspect to it (which I tried to explain to no avail. Her theory is that I'm here to get my degree, and that's all I need to be concerned with). I needed her to say "well, have you thought about any schools that would be better?" and not, "Well, what school are you gon' transfer to then??" As if I had already applied and got accepted, while the whole thing is nothing but a thought in my head so far.

*sigh* anyway, just to bring it around full circle, perhaps seeing (and befriending) more cute guys on campus would help me to feel better. I like having cute guy friends, cuz then all the females are jonesing, and I'm like "HIM?? Girl, he ain't nobody, that's just so and so."

Maybe that would help me to feel better.

Monday, September 12, 2005

I'm Sorry Roomie

The days have been going by so fast lately. I know that midterms will be here way too soon. The weeks seriously just fly by! I get up, run around all day long, and sleep for a few hours to do it all again. I'm so tired by the time I go to sleep that I could care less about anything else.

So, for the past few nights I know I've been sleeping quite strangely. I wake up a lot, but only for seconds at a time, then I am fast asleep again in an instant. But I've noticed in some of these waking up moments, that I hear this voice. And it's my voice. Apparently I'm talking in my sleep, and I'm sorry if that scares you. It scares me too. Imagine my surprise when I wake up to, "Tell him to shut up!" or, "You get on my nerves" and I have no idea who I'm talking to. I really apologize.

I'm also sorry for not using the bathroom before I go to bed (no, I didn't pee in the bed). When I'm sleeping and I have to use the bathroom, sometimes I don't wake up for whatever reason, but am just there in the bed, shaking so that I don't pee on myself. It's much like a modified pee-pee dance that every 4yr old does. Except, you might think its something else, so just to let you know, that's what it is. I can't help it.

Last but not least roomie, I'm sorry that you had to see my butt. That was not my intention. I fell asleep with a skirt on last night cuz I was too tired to change into my pajamas. I woke up this morning because I heard you shuffling around (oh so quietly too. You are so considerate) but I didn't open my eyes. I was half asleep, and half awake, and I knew something didn't feel right. I became fully awake (but still didn't open my eyes) when I realized that my butt was sticking out, and that I didn't have on butt-covering underwear. I am so very sorry. So then, I didn't know what to do. Should I cover it up real quick? No, that would be too obvious. Should I pull my skirt down? No, cuz then you would think that you woke me up.

Please don't hold it against me, roomie. I hope that you won't look at me differently. This is all very embarrasing for me, but you seem to be handling it very well.

Thank you,

Thursday, September 08, 2005

When Peace Like a River
attendeth my way
when sorrows like sea billows roll
whatever my lot
thou has taught me to say
it is well, it is well with my soul

I love that song, it always encourages me to know that no matter what happens to me, it's really all good in the scheme of things. My Lord is the Prince of Peace and I give him all the thanks and praise for doing wonders in my life.

Before complaining, I really have to look at my whole situation. This black girl, born to a single parent, raised on the south side of Chicago, had plenty of opportunities to amount to NOTHING. Of the people in my neighborhood, I know of only 2 (including myself) who went to college. Many more have children, and are still just hanging around the block.

We didn't have much money growing up, and I can indeed remember a few embarrasing times having to pay for snacks with the food stamps my mother handed me. But I never did go hungry. I can remember lights, phone, and gas all being turned off at one point or another, but I never froze to death, and certainly didn't suffer for not watching tv.

Then we moved to Bloomington, which was the most dramatic [traumatic] event of my life so far. I was separated from everything I'd loved and known, and displaced to a highly unfamiliar and uncomfortable circumstance. My mother, stepfather, little sister and I lived in a ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT for 3 years!! My sister and I alternated between sleeping on a mattress on the floor, a futon, and the couch. God still blessed. We found a wonderful church home, and I began to meet people who would make amazing changes in my life.

High School, hated it. Nevertheless it was a blessing. I recieved a decent education, and encountered a few teachers who made a difference in my life, and could see through my uninterest in school enough to know that I had plenty of untapped potential. I took trips (Florida, London, Scotland) FOR FREE. I won awards (though I probably never had above a C average) I recieved a SCHOLARSHIP (that is paying for my tuition today), God blessed, and I went on to college.

My first day of college, and I run into a woman who I met my freshman or sophmore year of high school, and she tells me about a Student Support Services (TRIO) program called Project Rise. I joined, and it definately had an impact on my college success. I referred to the woman as my "school mother", because she was the one to give me the educational advice, guidance, and support that I know my mother would have, had she gone to college.

I made it through that school, earning my Associate's degree (though it is a small one, I am proud to say I have a degree ya'll. don't take my joy lol. . .) and am now at Illinois State University. My mother and family are proud of me, My pastor and his wife are proud of me, and the people who helped me along the way are proud as well. I am proud too, I'm here a Junior in college! It still feels weird to say it.

I have had more than my share of opportunities to fail (including the time when I wanted to drop out of high school at 16 and get my G.E.D.) but I didn't. God has kept me strong on every level, and has been with me every step of the way. I can't complain.

Sure, I don't have any books and my bank account is in the whole. Sure, there's so many things (materially) that I feel like I need. Sure, I deal with my share (maybe more than my share?) of issues, but I cannot let them hold me down. "still I rise" I WILL NOT let them hold me down. I am headed toward the top, and I'm taking it step by step. In a few years, you will be getting an invitation to my graduation in which I will be presented with a fake bachelor's degree (but the real one will be in the mail ya'll!) And THEN, a short while after that, get ready for the presentation of that Master's degree. Perhaps a Doctorate to follow??

Elizabeth Robinson, Ph.D

Ohhh yes, that looks good.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Can somebody anybody tell me why. . .?

Why does the women's bathroom in my dorm have a urinal?

Why do I keep ending up walking behind people smoking cigarettes EVERY DAY?

Why does my mother think I'm arrogant?

Why do I still not have my books for class?

Why did I lose my paycheck?

Why do the same 2 girls on my floor keep blowing the power out with their hair dryers?

Why do my roomates keep unplugging my clock?

Why does my roomate keep stepping on my bed when she gets down from her bunk?

Why does she dangle her feet over the edge when I'm sitting right under her?

Why does my garbage can fill up every 2 days?

Why can't I just have ONE job?

Why can't I just go to school and not work? (none of my roomates have jobs)

Why am I having a poetic writing block?

Why am I still sick?

Why are my roomates all at the crib watching Lifetime while I'm at the library?

Why have I only met the guys on my floor?

Why am I tired of campus food already?

Why am I tired of food?

Why am I hoping I run into Max one of these days, and that he will want me back?

Why don't I have any nail clippers?

Why am I not doing my homework right now?

Monday, August 22, 2005

Come on and go with me, Come on over to my plaaace. . .

So I've moved into the dorms at good ol ISU. No, I'm not particularly excited about it (not particularly excited about much these days) but it's . . .it's an experience *nod*. Lets meet the roomates (In order of appearance).

1) ME! I got there early on move-in day because I knew I'd be in supplemental housing, and that there would anywhere from 2-6 people in the room, and I wanted a good location. I'm easy to get along with, and I try to make conversation with the mates and be cool.

2) Looking at her stuff, I knew she'd be of the caucasian persuasion, and she is. Her name is Summer, and she's from Schaumburg. Her beadspread is a satin magenta/pink and she has at least 7 decorator pillows to match. She has a tatoo on her lower back of the Roxy logo (that funny looking heart thing). I have dubbed this mate as 'tape girl'. The first night while I was trying to sleep, I kept hearing *riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip. rip. riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip. rip* This girl was tearin freakin TAPE for at least 10 minutes. Loudly. That ain't right.

3) Looking at her stuff, I knew she'd be a sista. What gave it away was the Tweety Bird pillows. I also knew she was from Chicago because of the Tweety. Her name is Shybella. I have to think of Chi-town and "Bella" (pronounce the L) like they say in Italy to remember her name. She's a bit ghetto-fab, and she's spoiled, but she seems to be a nice girl. I have dubbed her "sonic" because she moves around the room very fast, like she is in a rush to get somewhere, or meet somebody. That's when she's chillin.

4) I was relaxing in the room when she came in, her name is Carrie (yes, like the movie). She's a freshman, and from one of the little corn field towns around here that I wouldnt visit for fear of being lynched. But she's cool, she likes to talk alot about her military experience (national guard). She's the youngest, well actually I think she might be 19 too, but she's a freshman. The rest of us are juniors. She shall be dubbed G-I-Carrie.

5) Gretchen. She wasn't terribly interesting, I think she's from the same suburb as Summer, so they talk alot. She plays the cello. . .that's about it. Last but not least....

6) Actually, I don't remember her name. I even saw her name on the ID card this morning, and let me tell ya, its a lot easier to say than read, so I didn't even know what it was from that. She was the last one to come. I knew she'd be a sista too, cuz she had 2 nike boxes (can't let them shoes get messed up) and an Atlanta hat. She's from Chicago too. Her nickname is "Dude". She wears guy clothes, voice a little gruff, and has her hair in short locs (she's natural yall!). Stereotypically, I would label her a lesbian, but I don't know that, its none a mah bidness, so Ima leave it alone. She seems very down to earth, and she's funny.

My main problem now is what to call the residence.
The Dorm
The room
My place (I think this one might get the vote)
The Lounge (Seriously, they have us piled in a lounge)

And that concludes your news update. *bows*

Monday, July 25, 2005

"The doctor said I had blood clots, but I ain't Jamaican man"
-Kanye West

Dear homettes, friends, family, and other readers,

This is a long update. If I act strangely lately, this is why. I have lots on my mind, and I don't even know where to begin.

Summer semester of school is almost over. I had a test today that I thought I might fail. I have this habit of calculating best/worse case scenarios, and I think I just might get a C on the test. A C would do just fine, and that's really all I expect to get out of the class. Last night, before trying to study for the test I made a HUGE mistake. My stupid self decided to calculate what my GPA should be after the semester is over. I got a 2.3. I almost threw a FIT because I need a 2.5 to keep the scholarship, and frankly I'm not seeing the possibility of going to school next semester without it. I was all distressed, I wanted to cry and give up after 7 of 8 weeks spent in vain. Needless to say, after that it was nearly impossible to study. All that time for nothing? How/Why do I keep doing this kind of stuff to myself? The easiest class I have, which is some computer thing for only 1 credit hour, is the class I'm doing the worst in. I'm trying to bring my grade up to a D yall. That is plain ridiculous.

And if i don't pass the class, that will not only put my scholarship in jeaopordy again, but will complicate my process of going to ISU, which is already complicated enough. I have given up on the idea of Knox, and have finally come to terms with my future at ISU. But I have NO idea of what to do, when to do it, and where to do it. I (wisely) saved everything they sent me from the time I got my acceptance letter, but it seems I should have gotten some stuff that I didn't. So I'm lost. I don't know what to do first, I don't know if I'm gonna stay in the dorms, I don't know if I'm gonna get financial aid, I don't know anything. I'm not used to this situation, because Eliz is the person who figures out the unknown. If Eliz doesn't know, she will figure the thang out on her own. But this one is stumping me more than Chi-square tests and 2-Prop Z Intervals. It's causing me distress, and I'm upset with my mother for not having gone to college, because she can't even help me :( . None of my people have gone to college, and I don't think they (especially my mother) understand the stress it puts on me. I wish I had someone who had been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt that I could relate to. *sigh* I'm going through this thing pushing a white cane in front of me, and too headstrong to ask for directions.

I even thought about not going to school anymore. Maybe just for a semester, maybe for the rest of my life. Throw away the dreams of Bachelor's and Master's degrees. Find a decent job that makes ends meet, and live like the rest of my family. That would be much easier.

So while trying to study and thinking about all these things, I got a phone call. This male voice said "Do you know who this is?", and I was racking my brain to pick up any vocal clues. Is this somebody who lives here, or maybe some family from down south that I've only talked to once or twice. Is it a friend? A previous classmate? My mother said "It's your cousin Michael."

MIKEY!?!? It was unreal. Mikey and I haven't seen each other in 14 or 15 years. I was crackin up when he said "so I heard you have a sister", cuz that girl is pushing 14 years. I guess you could call it a 'blast from the past' (for lack of better term) hearing from him. I remember it used to be me, Mikey, Dante, and Lil' Scott (or Scotty). Scotty was the oldest, now he's 27. Dante is 25 and Mikey is 23. He has 2 KIDS!!!! It was so unbelievable to talk to him after SO VERY LONG. He was 7 or 8 the last time we saw or talked to each other, and now he is a grown man with kids. I had to resist the urge to call him Mikey, and to refer to Scott as Lil' Scott or Scotty. We talked for a while, doing our best to catch up on 15 years in about 30 minutes. I miss the days when we'd all be at Grandmother's house in Chicago, and they would tickle me to NO END. I honestly think they're the reason why I'm not ticklish now, because they tickled it all out of me. I miss them boys.

Then, while talking to Mikey, my cousin Jerome called on the other line! I had been wondering what happened to Jerome, since I hadn't talked to him in a few months. He and Lil' Scott are about the same age. Anyway, I always love talking to him. It feels good to talk to my father's side of the family.

As for my father, I have to resist the urge of telling him to kiss my nether regions. My mother said she heard from him about a week ago, and I asked what was going on with him. She sighed, looked me in my eyes and said, "Well, he's back at home." My father is an institutionalized individual, so that makes his home anywhere with bars and guards. He's facing a life sentence this time. That makes me SO ANGRY. Not only did he bastardize me, but he decided to then further traumatize my life by attempting to step in every now and then and 'father' me. MoFo, my mother IS my father. You have been USELESS, as a matter of fact the only purpose your life has served is 1) being another freaking STATISTIC, and therefore allowing the negative stereotypes of Blacks to survive 2) Scarring me for life, and 3) breaking my mother's heart. You should have just left us alone to wonder what ever happened to you. That would undoubtedly have been better than your yo-yo half-stepping presence in my life. You are no good. I can't have the memories of sitting on my father's lap, or showering him with loving hugs and kisses. I could never brag about what my father did for a living, I just lied and told people I didnt' know where you were. I STILL lie and tell people I don't know where you are!! And you wanna get mad at ME when you think Im trying to give you a guilt trip. YOU DESERVE A UF-KING GUILT TRIP! If i wasnt raised to respect adults in general, I woulda tore you a new one a LONG time ago. I woulda gone postal on you and done my best to express my years of feeling hurt, rejected, unloved, and bastardized, in verbal form using my best FRENCH, physical form, and psychological form. Remember when I introduced you to Sonia as "my mama's baby daddy"? You got so MAD, but do you think I cared. If my mother wasn't there, I shoulda introduced you as the piece of ish that my DNA is half composed of.


My father should have been there to regulate my expectations of males. Mabye then I wouldn't have gotten myself involved in the Max situation. Sometimes I don't wanna see his African face, other times I wanna jump his African bones, literally. I have been dealing, and am STILL dealing with this thing. My mother sees him as the victim, and me as the villian. According to her, I broke his heart and played with his emotions. Is she NOT seeing the big picture?? This grown azz man came to me in the freshness of my legal adulthood, exposed me to the experience of his thoroughly excercised adulthood, and then essentially left me haging on the premise of his relationship that I was kept ignorant of. THANKS DUDE. I'm the villian????? What the frell? What did I miss here?

Then, I wanna get a car, but I don't know if I can afford having one. I took a shower today, but apparently the shirt I'm wearing isn't clean. I sniffed it, but I must have only sniffed the one non-smelly spot cuz it smells kinda weird now. That's too bad cuz I gotta wear it alllll day. I'm thinking about a LOT of identity issues concerning race and gender. That alone is enough to preoccupy my thoughts for a lifetime. I was supposed to take 2 big trips this year (Germany and Costa Rica), and the only place I went is to Chicago. My little sister got arrested and my mother thinks it's all her fault. What am I gonna do with my hair? It's hot outside. My mind seems to be stuck in '95. I do wanna jump his bones. Right now. Why can't I lose weight? I still haven't returned that CD to the Library. My fine is gonna be HUGE. I hope I find the other CD I lost of theirs. I need some clothes. I'm afraid to dream. Why dont' they make a GOOD 90's hits CD with SWV, Aaliyah, Diggable Planets, Hammer, and Escape on it? I have all of this stuff on my mind.

"That right there could drive a sane man bizzerk"

Monday, July 18, 2005

Dear You pt. 2
(Pieces of Me)

Hi. I know I just wrote a letter to you, but another one is definately due. Remember how I asked you to please stay out of my thoughts? I meant that, but I guess you don't want to comply. I saw you yesterday at the White Castle in Kankakee. All I wanted was to get some cheeseburgers and take them back home to enjoy, and here you go, coming up in there in somebody else's body. Your posture, your build, your face, even your hat. But somebody else's body. You had the audasity to walk up in that place like you owned it, and didn't even look at me. Not even out of the corner of your eye! You acted like I wasn't even there. That was cruel, I just want you to know. Also, I don't appreciate you following me around like that.

You seem to be doing a lot of that lately, following me around in your subtle ways. Disguising yourself in other people's bodies, manifesting yourself in their ways. And you only do little things that I would pick up on. A certain walk, that peculiar posture, your familiar scent, the shape of your body. You know I'm gonna notice, so that's why you do it. Repeatedly.

Why are you doing this to me? Does it satisfy you to see the look of shock in my eyes while I'm attempting to stare at you without being seen? Or is it that you enjoy teasing me with pieces of your presence to make my heart ache? Why do you keep making me feel this way?

Maybe its because you know I miss you, and you don't want me to stop missing you, whereas I would appreciate stopping missing you. In that case, I should do the same to you. I should start popping up everywhere you go, with little pieces of myself that you know. My headwrap. My earring. My facial expressions. My laugh. Then see how you deal. Then see how you like a taste of your own medicine.

You're good, because I haven't yet figured out how you do this. I don't know how to follow you, or even precede you and show you these pieces of me. I don't know how to be where you are at any given time of day. I just don't know.

I just don't know.

It is unfair for you to manipulate my feelings without even BEING HERE!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Dear You

You know who you are, so don't even be lookin crazy. How are you doing? I'm not asking this question for conversational reasons, but because I really want to know. I haven't seen you in such a long time! Where are you??
I still think about you. Like, everyday. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, but I do know that I miss you. Maybe if I even knew where you were it would help, but I guess it doesn't matter, because I don't. Anyway, you might be wondering what this letter is for, so let me take out the guesswork. This is one attempt of many to get what I think I'm looking for: closure. I'm not sure, but this must be what I need to "get over you". I'm not even sure if getting over you is what I'm trying to do, but I'm figuring that must be it. I know you probably think I am a confused little girl, but to be honest I usually only get this way when it comes to you. You kinda make me lose my thoughts, and to question things to the point of no return. And when you rebut my points with your points, that makes it all the worse. I find it difficult to explain things to you, although I know you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. That is one thing that I don't miss, because it makes me feel confused and kind of. . .intelectually inferior. That's not cool with me.
But back to closure. I'm not sure what closure entails, so I looked it up. Closure-to bring to an end.
What exactly am I trying to bring to an end? Well, I think mostly I want to stop the variety of emotions that I feel when I think of you. They range from joyous to loved to confusion to anger to sexual to used. That's a lot to deal with, especially just in the spaces of my mind. But how can I tell you that? How can I deal with that? How can I get closure?
It's not that I mind thinking of you, because I know I will NEVER forget you. I might forget what you look like, to be honest I do that now, but I cannot forget you. With that, I know that memories have attatched emotions, so is it really possible to think of you without this flood of emotion? You, am I trying to do something that is impossible??
Perhaps closure should have come with the announcment of your marriage. I was shocked beyond belief, but of course I couldn't show you. I'm good like that. You probably saw right through me though, you know how we have that Libran intuition thing. I knew that you had to take care of your business by marrying her, but it made me quite sad. (Darn you, you're making me tear up right now!!) I was hurt because...well, I don't really know why. I guess you being married extinguishes all possibilities of us (rightfully) being together. I knew I would never have you again, and if I did the consequences would not be worth it for both of us, and for your wife.
Closure did not come.
Sometimes I really wish I could be with you again. Remember the time at your house when you put on some of your music, I think it was some Rumba thing, and you started dancing? You move quite smoothly sir. I was thinking to myself "oooo, look at this brotha move! Ol boi can dance!" I wanted to dance too, but I didn't know how to dance like that, and I didn't want you to have to show me, and me get all tied up in my footsteps and what-not, so I just sat there looking at you. It would be nice to see you dance again. That memory always makes me smile.
At times like that I enjoyed being with you. And when we watched the fireworks? Man, that was the BEST 4th of July I've had since moving here. I thank you for that. But sometimes, I didn't like being with you. Especially when it came to SEX. You know and I know that I NEVER planned on/wanted to have sex with you. I gave you the whole "waiting for marriage" speech, and I knew you weren't tryin to hear it. I didn't care. I was determined to stand my ground, and I did for a relatively long time. If not for that trying period in my life, you sir, wouldnta got NOTHIN. But that trying period did come. I didn't understand you and the sex thing. Yea yea, I know you have desires and all that, but is it not possible to put them aside? Sometimes I needed you to just talk to me, and not touch me. Okay, sometimes I needed (well, wanted) the touching too, but climax vs. conversation, the latter is what I woulda chose. Now, I do want you back in a sexual way. I want to touch you, smell you, kiss you. . .lets not get myself worked up, this will turn into a whole nother letter. But that is your fault. YOU awoke this demon in me, and left me with it! Um, excuse me, what the heck am I supposed to do?????? Gawd, I could slap you upside the head for that! (and no, not the little head)
But, this problem cannot solely be acredited to you. I should never have let things escalate to that point, or any point near that point. BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING! And you knew that. But did you care? NO. You did not care, and that hurts because you should have. How could you exploit me in my naivete? Is that okay with you? Do you sleep fine at night? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL CARE AND CONCERN FROM SOMEONE WHO KEEPS TRYIN TO GET IN MY JEANS???
Can you answer that for me? And don't give me that jive of "Because I love you, I wanna have sex with you" because I'm certainly not buying it. That is what I call BS and I certainly have been wearing boots up to my waist trying to sift through it. Did you ever really care, or was it all a facade? If so , I don't appreciate that at all. But then, like you said, if all you wanted was a lil' sum sum, you coulda got that anywhere. I believe that.
All the "I love you"'s and I'm in love with you's, yes I heard them, but I never ever believed them. And for the record, lets clarify that the two are not completely synonomous. I never said I was in love with you, because I never was. As a matter of fact, I don't think I liked you all that much when we were together, but I think I mostly kept seeing you just to see what would happen next. It wasn't the conversations that kept me. It wasn't the orgasms. It wasn't the mediocre/unsatisfying sex. And I was unimpressed by your money. I was however, impressed by your hardworking-ness.
That was something I always admired about you, you would work so hard. You were mature and responsible, and so many men (and people in general) are not like that. You took care of your business like a MAN, and I respect that. I give you mad props. I also appreciated your intellect. You never tried to act like you knew everything, but intellect can always shine through. Your intellect+that African wisdom thing= HOTNESS. Now THAT makes my eyes roll back and my toes curl. Woo yes! And of course, I cannot leave out what I call 'our intuition'. I acredit it to us both being Libras, even though I'm not all about the zodiac stuff. Libras are known for having a 'sixth sense' sort of thing, and yours combined with mine was such a cool experience. It was like we could completely read each other's minds, even though we weren't that tight. It was thrilling.
But alas, all that is over now. You must move on with your life, and me with mine. As far as closure, I don't know about that. If you could, maybe stay out of my mind for the most part. Once or twice a month would be plenty of thought, and after time we can reduce. That would do fine for closure, I don't ask for much.
I wish you a happy life with your wife, please treat her well. I know you love her. I hope your kids are beautiful and healthy. I hope that you remain in good health as well. Perhaps we will see each other around.

Monday, July 11, 2005

One Woman Band

I am a fine musician, that's what people say
and you can tell by the music in my sway

For some reason, today my walk is especially noisy.
My flip flops *scritch flop, scratch plop* (no matter how hard I try, dragging my feet in flip-flops is inevitable).
My purse *clunk, clunk* with all its keys, pills, balms, coins, and undiscovered contents hitting my thigh with each step.
My jeans *whoomp whoomp* as each flare leg hits the other.
My bookbag *thump thump* thanks to the pack of ramen noodles I have housed in a plastic storage container.

Timbaland and Magoo can't touch me!!

In other news, I'm looking for a new hairdo. I've been doing some searching lately, for new do's and also some good products. I think I'm gonna try this Sta-Sof-Fro stuff. I've read a few good things about it on product reviews. Seems to work well for natural hair, and doesnt cost too much.

I like these styles a lot, and can really see myself rocking both of em. What do you think? I'm more partial to the Bantu Knots, mostly because they are something you don't see as often. I'd like to be able to do them myself, but we'll see how that goes. I need to do something though. My mane is a mess. I've been trying to wear this curly/free naps/afro thing, but its starting to feel supa dry, especially after I decided to try and color it. Well, the color didn't show much, but the dryness sure did. Instead of cute-ness, I've got a hot-mess. Ah well, for some reason I still get compliments on it, though mostly from those of what my mother calls "the caucasian persuasion" lol. They tell me how "cool" it looks, and my face smiles and my lips thank them. Really, I'm thinking "Whatchu talkin bout Willis??" But I guess it could be worse.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

City Bus Philosopy
(God definately has a sense of humor.)

I was riding the bus to school yesterday morning. It was the same as most other mornings: hit the snooze twice before waking up, then rush to get ready to leave by 7, speedwalk/jog to the bus stop and pray the whole way that I don't miss the bus. Regular morning.

Well, this particular day my prayers didn't exactly work. As I was half a block away from the bus stop, I saw the bus zoom by. This is not cool when I have just speed-walked 5.5 blocks. I make the long trudge back home, lugging my bag and purse, which are killing my shoulders, and wearing the same sandals I said I would never walk signifigant distances in again.

The next bus I took was the one that comes right by my house. For some reason, I almost missed that one too. As I was about to cross the street (2-way traffic) I saw it approaching, and I seriously had to weigh the pros and cons of nearly getting hit by a car to catch the bus, or missing statistics class. Well, nevertheless I made it to class.

Two women that also go to my school were on there, talking about classes and general chit-chat. When one mentioned that she was taking philosophy, I immediately thought of 2ra. She (let's call her Myrtle) talked about how much she hated it, the other woman (lets call her Kim) wholeheartedly agreed.

Kim: I hate philosophy! Gawd, its the worst! Have you leaned about
Socrates yet? ooo, ooo, did you learn about SoandSo's theory on this?? or what
about What'shisname's theory on that?? OH MAN I HATE PHILOSOPHY!!!!!

Yeah. She was awfully enthused about this philosophy thing. Tina had a look of contained freaked-outness as Kim rambled and rambled, and became louder and louder. She went on her own tangent, completely leaving Myrtle behind, about every philosophical theory she could think of on the spot, and whose theory it was, and what it meant. I'm tellin ya, she really hated philosophy.

I'm telling you, this woman was so animated, loud, and excited you wouldn't believe it. She then asked Myrtle,
"Do you know what the ultimate philosophical question is?"
Myrtyle, with a look of scared-confusedness replied,
"Um, no."
Kim with her LOUD self said,
as if she had just made a profound declaration of the end-all of everything that is deep. Yeah.

Bus Driver: Well I don't really know.
Myrtle: Hm, well I guess. . .
Bus Driver: It could be either one, because God can do anything he wants.

Kim the proceeded to crack up and bust a gut at her own joke. She was both the comedian and entire comic-view audience. I woulda turned Apollo up in that mug, and dragged her crazy self off the bus. Her city-bus philosophy was just too much for me. I figured it would be better to stay quiet and blogaboutit.

I wish you coulda been there.
Dream On

What is a dream
but a bubble in the space of my mind?
Fragile, iridescent, transparent
floating in time

What is a dream
but my lifeline?
though deferred making hearts ill,
to defer a dream can kill

For it is by our dreams
that we aspire
to grasp the unreachable
teach the unteachable
go where we've never been before
by our dreams we are unstoppable
didn't you know?

What is a dream
but a shiny pretty thing?
sparkling in rays of hope
dimming in light of reality

What is a dream
but foundation for everything

For it is by our dreams that we achieve
for what has ability without support of dreams?
The world is made greater because of these
see the influence of Ghandi and King?
Even they have no more power than we
but were able both to see and believe
in the power of their dreams

So, what then is a dream
but life-both to the world and us
Fear not ambitious reveries
Dream on! Dream on we must!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Zzzzzzzzzzzz. . .

Problem: I cannot stay awake in my statistics class. It's not that it's so boring, its me. It's not that I don't sleep at night, because I usually do. I don't know what it is, but its getting to a ridiculous point. Yesterday it was so bad that I left class halfway through because I could literally stay awake for only 5 or so minutes at a time before dozing off. I fight the sleep so so hard, but its like I'm a classroom narcaleptic, and it's really becoming a problem. And you should see my notes. Nothing like that drifting off to sleep writing. But I've tried everything to keep myself awake! I tried drinking something to awaken my senses, shaking my leg, tapping my foot, stretching, breathing deep to get some oxygen to my brain, biting my lip or tongue, doodling, even putting my bare foot or leg on the freezing cold pole that holds up the table to shock the mess out of myself. Nothing works.

Then to add fuel to the fire, I drank an orange Mountain Dew last night at work (I was tired ok!). It took me forever to get to sleep, and all I could think was "I'm so not gonna be able to stay awake in class tomorrow". I even cried because of my plight, but eventually I slept.

Solution: I hate to resort to this, but something's gotta give. I'd rather not go this route, but I have no other choice. NoDoz has again become my drug of choice. I only turn to it in extreme cases, i.e. last spring semester when I would'nt sleep the whole night to finish a paper/speech due the next day at 8 a.m. only to face a whole nother day of classes and work. Extreme right? I figured if I took one shortly after I wake up (6 something) then by 8:00 it should be in my system and working quite nicely. Today I stayed awake.

However, even though I was indeed awake, and am still awake, I feel so strange. I feel like my body is really sleeping. It feels like my eyelids are heavy, and about to drop to a close, but are being yanked wide open by the fingers of my caffeine pills. *sigh* I don't like this but I feel like I have to do it. If you know of anything else I can do to help myself stay awake, please help a sista out. Please.


Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Hooooold Up

You've got to be kidding me!

I'm in the computer lab, and somebody's cell phone went off. First of all, it was loud and should have been put on vibrate. But no. And of course it had to ring with a ringtone. All I heard was a couple of strange beats, then a loud male whine of AWWWWWW, DIRTY POP!

Dirty Pop??? Of all the ringtones (realtones, not that polyphonic junk) you need to pick Dirty Pop? I would not normally be mad if a cell phone rang in the lab, its not like I'm really doing anything important. However, my belief is that if you wish to keep your ringer on, on its loudest setting, at least get some good music on there! Something I can bop my head to and a song I won't mind being stuck in my head all day.

Dirty Pop does not fall into that category.

So I whip my head around to see who's phone is Dirty Pop'in, expecting to see some young, fresh out of highschool white girl with a pink flip phone that has a light-up antenna. Imagine my surprise when I see a 20-something MAN answer the call. A grown man bumpin Dirty Pop on his cell phone? What's next? "I Want You Back", or "Bye, Bye, Bye"?

Scary man, Scary

Monday, June 20, 2005

ah, the glory of the opposable thumb

Today my statistics teacher spent about 10 minutes in a discussion about today's generation's dexterity of thumbs. I lie not. It started with him asking us which do we use more, the index finger or the thumb?

His father, who is a construction worker, noticed this boy keying in the garage code with his thumb, and thought it quite strange. Strange, because the father himself would have keyed in the code with his index finger.

He then came upon the realization that today's generation use their thumbs more than his own. This attributed mostly to video games, where thumbs are, of course, most handy. Most people also use their thumbs to punch in numbers on their cell phones. (I have seen those in older generations use their fingers to type on their cell phone, and yes, it looks quite silly.) Then the teacher asked, which do you use when operating your calculator?

I laughed to myself. I use my fingers of course! What madness is this?? But some fear embedded in the back of my mind knew there must be some validity to this question. I held my calculator in my hand, slid it into its cover, and preceded to turn it on.


Surely this was not right, he must've tricked me into using the opposable phalange! But as I continued to feverishly type in random numbers, It was all thumb, thumb, thumb!!

I was distraught
I was dissapointed in myself
I cried.

Then I realized that yes, I can proudly say I use my thumbs on a daily basis, and so what? Besides, taking an observational stance, I conclude that thumbs are primarily used when the fingers are occupied. The new trend is, the fingers hold, the thumbs get ta workin'.

It all makes sense!
(after that, I preceded to fall asleep during the lecture on Table B, Random Digits)

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


one mug of tepid tea
a thousand crumbs from cut french bread
knife still readied to butter
left in haste

scraps from a new dress carelessly strewn
multicolored threads decorate wooden floors
opened scissors, straight pins piercing the tomato
quickly forgotten

one page,one pen
a thousand floating thoughts
tens of fleeing words
never completely caught