"The doctor said I had blood clots, but I ain't Jamaican man"
-Kanye West

Dear homettes, friends, family, and other readers,

This is a long update. If I act strangely lately, this is why. I have lots on my mind, and I don't even know where to begin.

Summer semester of school is almost over. I had a test today that I thought I might fail. I have this habit of calculating best/worse case scenarios, and I think I just might get a C on the test. A C would do just fine, and that's really all I expect to get out of the class. Last night, before trying to study for the test I made a HUGE mistake. My stupid self decided to calculate what my GPA should be after the semester is over. I got a 2.3. I almost threw a FIT because I need a 2.5 to keep the scholarship, and frankly I'm not seeing the possibility of going to school next semester without it. I was all distressed, I wanted to cry and give up after 7 of 8 weeks spent in vain. Needless to say, after that it was nearly impossible to study. All that time for nothing? How/Why do I keep doing this kind of stuff to myself? The easiest class I have, which is some computer thing for only 1 credit hour, is the class I'm doing the worst in. I'm trying to bring my grade up to a D yall. That is plain ridiculous.

And if i don't pass the class, that will not only put my scholarship in jeaopordy again, but will complicate my process of going to ISU, which is already complicated enough. I have given up on the idea of Knox, and have finally come to terms with my future at ISU. But I have NO idea of what to do, when to do it, and where to do it. I (wisely) saved everything they sent me from the time I got my acceptance letter, but it seems I should have gotten some stuff that I didn't. So I'm lost. I don't know what to do first, I don't know if I'm gonna stay in the dorms, I don't know if I'm gonna get financial aid, I don't know anything. I'm not used to this situation, because Eliz is the person who figures out the unknown. If Eliz doesn't know, she will figure the thang out on her own. But this one is stumping me more than Chi-square tests and 2-Prop Z Intervals. It's causing me distress, and I'm upset with my mother for not having gone to college, because she can't even help me :( . None of my people have gone to college, and I don't think they (especially my mother) understand the stress it puts on me. I wish I had someone who had been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt that I could relate to. *sigh* I'm going through this thing pushing a white cane in front of me, and too headstrong to ask for directions.

I even thought about not going to school anymore. Maybe just for a semester, maybe for the rest of my life. Throw away the dreams of Bachelor's and Master's degrees. Find a decent job that makes ends meet, and live like the rest of my family. That would be much easier.

So while trying to study and thinking about all these things, I got a phone call. This male voice said "Do you know who this is?", and I was racking my brain to pick up any vocal clues. Is this somebody who lives here, or maybe some family from down south that I've only talked to once or twice. Is it a friend? A previous classmate? My mother said "It's your cousin Michael."

MIKEY!?!? It was unreal. Mikey and I haven't seen each other in 14 or 15 years. I was crackin up when he said "so I heard you have a sister", cuz that girl is pushing 14 years. I guess you could call it a 'blast from the past' (for lack of better term) hearing from him. I remember it used to be me, Mikey, Dante, and Lil' Scott (or Scotty). Scotty was the oldest, now he's 27. Dante is 25 and Mikey is 23. He has 2 KIDS!!!! It was so unbelievable to talk to him after SO VERY LONG. He was 7 or 8 the last time we saw or talked to each other, and now he is a grown man with kids. I had to resist the urge to call him Mikey, and to refer to Scott as Lil' Scott or Scotty. We talked for a while, doing our best to catch up on 15 years in about 30 minutes. I miss the days when we'd all be at Grandmother's house in Chicago, and they would tickle me to NO END. I honestly think they're the reason why I'm not ticklish now, because they tickled it all out of me. I miss them boys.

Then, while talking to Mikey, my cousin Jerome called on the other line! I had been wondering what happened to Jerome, since I hadn't talked to him in a few months. He and Lil' Scott are about the same age. Anyway, I always love talking to him. It feels good to talk to my father's side of the family.

As for my father, I have to resist the urge of telling him to kiss my nether regions. My mother said she heard from him about a week ago, and I asked what was going on with him. She sighed, looked me in my eyes and said, "Well, he's back at home." My father is an institutionalized individual, so that makes his home anywhere with bars and guards. He's facing a life sentence this time. That makes me SO ANGRY. Not only did he bastardize me, but he decided to then further traumatize my life by attempting to step in every now and then and 'father' me. MoFo, my mother IS my father. You have been USELESS, as a matter of fact the only purpose your life has served is 1) being another freaking STATISTIC, and therefore allowing the negative stereotypes of Blacks to survive 2) Scarring me for life, and 3) breaking my mother's heart. You should have just left us alone to wonder what ever happened to you. That would undoubtedly have been better than your yo-yo half-stepping presence in my life. You are no good. I can't have the memories of sitting on my father's lap, or showering him with loving hugs and kisses. I could never brag about what my father did for a living, I just lied and told people I didnt' know where you were. I STILL lie and tell people I don't know where you are!! And you wanna get mad at ME when you think Im trying to give you a guilt trip. YOU DESERVE A UF-KING GUILT TRIP! If i wasnt raised to respect adults in general, I woulda tore you a new one a LONG time ago. I woulda gone postal on you and done my best to express my years of feeling hurt, rejected, unloved, and bastardized, in verbal form using my best FRENCH, physical form, and psychological form. Remember when I introduced you to Sonia as "my mama's baby daddy"? You got so MAD, but do you think I cared. If my mother wasn't there, I shoulda introduced you as the piece of ish that my DNA is half composed of.

I WISH I COULD HURT YOU.

My father should have been there to regulate my expectations of males. Mabye then I wouldn't have gotten myself involved in the Max situation. Sometimes I don't wanna see his African face, other times I wanna jump his African bones, literally. I have been dealing, and am STILL dealing with this thing. My mother sees him as the victim, and me as the villian. According to her, I broke his heart and played with his emotions. Is she NOT seeing the big picture?? This grown azz man came to me in the freshness of my legal adulthood, exposed me to the experience of his thoroughly excercised adulthood, and then essentially left me haging on the premise of his relationship that I was kept ignorant of. THANKS DUDE. I'm the villian????? What the frell? What did I miss here?

Then, I wanna get a car, but I don't know if I can afford having one. I took a shower today, but apparently the shirt I'm wearing isn't clean. I sniffed it, but I must have only sniffed the one non-smelly spot cuz it smells kinda weird now. That's too bad cuz I gotta wear it alllll day. I'm thinking about a LOT of identity issues concerning race and gender. That alone is enough to preoccupy my thoughts for a lifetime. I was supposed to take 2 big trips this year (Germany and Costa Rica), and the only place I went is to Chicago. My little sister got arrested and my mother thinks it's all her fault. What am I gonna do with my hair? It's hot outside. My mind seems to be stuck in '95. I do wanna jump his bones. Right now. Why can't I lose weight? I still haven't returned that CD to the Library. My fine is gonna be HUGE. I hope I find the other CD I lost of theirs. I need some clothes. I'm afraid to dream. Why dont' they make a GOOD 90's hits CD with SWV, Aaliyah, Diggable Planets, Hammer, and Escape on it? I have all of this stuff on my mind.

"That right there could drive a sane man bizzerk"