Dear You

You know who you are, so don't even be lookin crazy. How are you doing? I'm not asking this question for conversational reasons, but because I really want to know. I haven't seen you in such a long time! Where are you??

I still think about you. Like, everyday. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, but I do know that I miss you. Maybe if I even knew where you were it would help, but I guess it doesn't matter, because I don't. Anyway, you might be wondering what this letter is for, so let me take out the guesswork. This is one attempt of many to get what I think I'm looking for: closure. I'm not sure, but this must be what I need to "get over you". I'm not even sure if getting over you is what I'm trying to do, but I'm figuring that must be it. I know you probably think I am a confused little girl, but to be honest I usually only get this way when it comes to you. You kinda make me lose my thoughts, and to question things to the point of no return. And when you rebut my points with your points, that makes it all the worse. I find it difficult to explain things to you, although I know you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. That is one thing that I don't miss, because it makes me feel confused and kind of. . .intelectually inferior. That's not cool with me.

But back to closure. I'm not sure what closure entails, so I looked it up. Closure-to bring to an end.

What exactly am I trying to bring to an end? Well, I think mostly I want to stop the variety of emotions that I feel when I think of you. They range from joyous to loved to confusion to anger to sexual to used. That's a lot to deal with, especially just in the spaces of my mind. But how can I tell you that? How can I deal with that? How can I get closure?

It's not that I mind thinking of you, because I know I will NEVER forget you. I might forget what you look like, to be honest I do that now, but I cannot forget you. With that, I know that memories have attatched emotions, so is it really possible to think of you without this flood of emotion? You, am I trying to do something that is impossible??

Perhaps closure should have come with the announcment of your marriage. I was shocked beyond belief, but of course I couldn't show you. I'm good like that. You probably saw right through me though, you know how we have that Libran intuition thing. I knew that you had to take care of your business by marrying her, but it made me quite sad. (Darn you, you're making me tear up right now!!) I was hurt because...well, I don't really know why. I guess you being married extinguishes all possibilities of us (rightfully) being together. I knew I would never have you again, and if I did the consequences would not be worth it for both of us, and for your wife.

Closure did not come.

Sometimes I really wish I could be with you again. Remember the time at your house when you put on some of your music, I think it was some Rumba thing, and you started dancing? You move quite smoothly sir. I was thinking to myself "oooo, look at this brotha move! Ol boi can dance!" I wanted to dance too, but I didn't know how to dance like that, and I didn't want you to have to show me, and me get all tied up in my footsteps and what-not, so I just sat there looking at you. It would be nice to see you dance again. That memory always makes me smile.

At times like that I enjoyed being with you. And when we watched the fireworks? Man, that was the BEST 4th of July I've had since moving here. I thank you for that. But sometimes, I didn't like being with you. Especially when it came to SEX. You know and I know that I NEVER planned on/wanted to have sex with you. I gave you the whole "waiting for marriage" speech, and I knew you weren't tryin to hear it. I didn't care. I was determined to stand my ground, and I did for a relatively long time. If not for that trying period in my life, you sir, wouldnta got NOTHIN. But that trying period did come. I didn't understand you and the sex thing. Yea yea, I know you have desires and all that, but is it not possible to put them aside? Sometimes I needed you to just talk to me, and not touch me. Okay, sometimes I needed (well, wanted) the touching too, but climax vs. conversation, the latter is what I woulda chose. Now, I do want you back in a sexual way. I want to touch you, smell you, kiss you. . .lets not get myself worked up, this will turn into a whole nother letter. But that is your fault. YOU awoke this demon in me, and left me with it! Um, excuse me, what the heck am I supposed to do?????? Gawd, I could slap you upside the head for that! (and no, not the little head)

But, this problem cannot solely be acredited to you. I should never have let things escalate to that point, or any point near that point. BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING! And you knew that. But did you care? NO. You did not care, and that hurts because you should have. How could you exploit me in my naivete? Is that okay with you? Do you sleep fine at night? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL CARE AND CONCERN FROM SOMEONE WHO KEEPS TRYIN TO GET IN MY JEANS???

Dang.

Can you answer that for me? And don't give me that jive of "Because I love you, I wanna have sex with you" because I'm certainly not buying it. That is what I call BS and I certainly have been wearing boots up to my waist trying to sift through it. Did you ever really care, or was it all a facade? If so , I don't appreciate that at all. But then, like you said, if all you wanted was a lil' sum sum, you coulda got that anywhere. I believe that.

All the "I love you"'s and I'm in love with you's, yes I heard them, but I never ever believed them. And for the record, lets clarify that the two are not completely synonomous. I never said I was in love with you, because I never was. As a matter of fact, I don't think I liked you all that much when we were together, but I think I mostly kept seeing you just to see what would happen next. It wasn't the conversations that kept me. It wasn't the orgasms. It wasn't the mediocre/unsatisfying sex. And I was unimpressed by your money. I was however, impressed by your hardworking-ness.

That was something I always admired about you, you would work so hard. You were mature and responsible, and so many men (and people in general) are not like that. You took care of your business like a MAN, and I respect that. I give you mad props. I also appreciated your intellect. You never tried to act like you knew everything, but intellect can always shine through. Your intellect+that African wisdom thing= HOTNESS. Now THAT makes my eyes roll back and my toes curl. Woo yes! And of course, I cannot leave out what I call 'our intuition'. I acredit it to us both being Libras, even though I'm not all about the zodiac stuff. Libras are known for having a 'sixth sense' sort of thing, and yours combined with mine was such a cool experience. It was like we could completely read each other's minds, even though we weren't that tight. It was thrilling.

But alas, all that is over now. You must move on with your life, and me with mine. As far as closure, I don't know about that. If you could, maybe stay out of my mind for the most part. Once or twice a month would be plenty of thought, and after time we can reduce. That would do fine for closure, I don't ask for much.

I wish you a happy life with your wife, please treat her well. I know you love her. I hope your kids are beautiful and healthy. I hope that you remain in good health as well. Perhaps we will see each other around.

Goodbye.

Elizabeth