Tuesday, December 14, 2004


Looking at the calendar today, I can't belive Christmas is just next week. I'm not even done shopping!! Anyway, everyone knows that after thanksgiving the rest of the year just flies by, and it has definately flown. I am forced to think back on the year, but it's always hard to remember what happened in the beginning months. What can I remember?

Starting to find my father's side of the family
Meeting Max
Meeting Kabah (can you belive it was this year?)
Meeting Obina (Jeffrey)
TYJ died
Donna and Kitty "left"
Emily got her own apartment
Meeting Julius
Becoming leader of the Praise Dancers
Tura and Sonia went to Guyana for spring Break
Sonia moved out
Sonia got Trevor
Sonia's mommy passed :-(
I got to know SO MANY of my beautiful African people :-D
I finally quit Claire's
Started TJ Maxx, S&K, and peer mentoring
Took a class with KaReisha
Went on a date with AJ
Went on a double date
Got my hair chopped off

Wow, so this year has been pretty much uneventful.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Sometimes I feel

Sometimes I feel like I have noone to talk to. Well, really, noone to listen because I can talk until my face is blue, but that doesn't mean anyone will listen to me. . .

But you know what? This is MY BLOG and i can talk alllll i want to!

I have a problem with school. I love learning, but since third grade or so, school hasn't really been my forte. I hate the homework, I hate the busy work, maybe my problem is that I just hate the work. I hate the structure. I hate having to take classes that pertain to things I'm not interested in and that will affect whether I graduate on time and that affect my GPA, and are not even a part of my major. They claim it's to make students more 'well rounded' but I disagree. I think there must be better ways. But it doesn't matter. School is one of those things you have to do, and with society today, choosing higher education is a social norm of sorts. It doesn't even matter how much or little you know, but what does matter is your status as a degree holder. Even if I don't know JACK but still have a degree behind my name, I could get a decent job. And those who are so smart and educated because of interest, not because of force of going to school, but don't have a degree are going NOWHERE. Sad isn't it? But nobody seems to care, because the world will keep moving with or without you. It will move with or without me, so what is my rush? by the time I get "there", "there" will be in a whole different place, and I will forever be chasing.

Hey body, what's wrong with you? You haven't been acting right for the past few years, and I'm getting tired of your games. All I want you to do is function and feel good, can't you do that for me? We're in this thing together!!! There is no you without me, so I suggest you straighten up before I fire you. But do realize, there is no me without you! I'm begging you here. You keep hurting me. Whyy. Haven't I loved you? Maybe not always but I always fed and watered you. Is this the treatment I get? I'm trying to take better care of you, take you out for walks every now and then, and make sure you get some balanced meals, but it's hard Body. It's so hard sometimes. Forgive me if sometimes I don't have time to feed you. Forgive me if I forget to water you. PLEASE forgive me if I neglect to take you out for play and excercise once in a while, but I need you to stay strong for me. (and slim down a little) We can't go on this way. If I do my best to do my part, please reciprocate the favor. Do this for US.

Everyone always told me you suck.
I'm not sure if it's true, but I always tried to be the optimist and defend your honor, but I'm wondering if I should belive the hype. I think the problem is that nobody gets you. You are SO misunderstood, and that must be hard, but maybe if you were a little more consistent. . . I don't even know what you are. Perhaps you are a serial killer, making hearts break and crushing millions who vow to never come to you again. But sometimes you can be so nice. AHA! I've got it! You are a trap. We, unsuspecting humans are the mice, and you Love, are both the yummy cheese and the snapping trap. How can you be so cruel? Does it bring you pleasure to see so many in pain? Is that where you get off? If so, then Love, you are SICK and I ABHOR you. If not, then please help me clarify what the heck you are. Since the beginning of time your mystery has been held, and I promise, if you help me understand you, I will help the world understand you, and you will be seen in a much more positive light. Deal?

Thank you for listening.
Have you ever felt like you wanna just be physically hurt for being stupid? I think this comes from my youth, and being expected to be beat when I did something bad, i.e. bringing home bad grades.

Lemme tell ya, this semester was not so hot. Fall semesters always get me, I think it has to do with the time change and days getting shorter, seriously. Spring semesters are the best. So now, my grades are gonna pretty much suck, and I feel so bad that I just wanna be hurt.

I want somebody to hit me. For being stupid, for wasting my time and procrastinating, for not working harder.

Give me "something to cry about".

I deserve it.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Cri'mma Shoppin'

I've been getting some Christmas shopping out of the way, but not nearly enough. I haven't made lists of what I'm gonna get everybody yet, and that means I'm likely to forget somebody. And that's sad.

Stank you smelly much
I was sitting with my friend earlier, and a friend of his (Lee) was at the table. He left to go to class, so it was just me and Lee at the table. Why?
After a few moments of silence. . .

"Sooo, I'm supposed to be going to the podiatrist."
". . .Oh yea?"
"Yeah, see I have this callous on my foot that hurts like an S.O.B. everytime I try to walk!"
"Oh. I'm sorry"
He then proceeded to tell me about how the pain is bearable when he's wearing his shoes, but he walks around the house barefoot, and it really hurts on tile floors, and he hopes they burn it off.
Thanks dude. Thanks for letting me know.

So, I think I'm gonna fail my music appreciation class. isn't that sad? it's not even a hard class! i'm so mad about this, because it's gonna affect everything for next semester, and also for my *hopefully* entering Knox in the fall. Woe is me. Oh yes, woe is she.

Monday, December 06, 2004


I remember back in the day, when I was all of maybe 5 or 6, we used to sing this song in the children's choir.

"I might as well think big/ Why should anyone think small?/ I might as well think big/ If I'm gonna think. . .at all"

I also remember conversations with my mother of a similar realm.

"What should I be when I grow up?"
"You can be anything you wanna be."
"But what if I wanna be an. . .astronaut?"
"Then you can be an astronaut."
"Well, what if I wanna be a. . .pizza?!"
"If you wanna be a pizza, then you can be a pizza."
"Maaamaaa, how can I grow up to be a pizza???"
"If that's what you want to be when you grow up, then you'll make a way. Put your mind to it and you can do it."

This is the theory I have been raised on, and I still hold it true today. But it seems somewhere along the line, something has infected my view of being able to do anything I want. Even being a pizza. It seems like as much as I try, and as hard as I'm trying, something isn't working right in my life. School-wise, financially, spiritually, personally, socially, I must be doing something wrong.

Elizabeth, your expectations are too high.

This is the message I'm getting from everywhere I turn! I'm at a point where East meets West in the manner that everything I've known-being able to achieve anything I set my mind to- is being met with the idea that I have set my goals and expectations too high. The combination finds me in a strange place, in a middle state of uncertainty, and I'm not sure what to do with it.

But I do know it's making me cry, because I'm confused.
It's making me feel lost because it seems that I'm not going in the direction of the steps I'm taking.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Tell the Tale

I am here to tell you the tale of a double date. First, lets review the grades.
(my date) Jonathan-D/F+
(Sonia's date) Stephen-(muahahahahaaaa!!!)-C, but an A for effort.

First, me and Sonia got to Jonathan's dorm and waited for Stephen to arrive. Meanwhile we played in Obina's hair which was fun. He liked it. Stephen got there, and we all sat around and chatted for a while until it was time to leave. Sonia and I were ordered to leave the room momentarily while Jonathan "got naked". *wink sonia* After that, we spent a little time deliberating on where to eat, finally settling on IHOP.

Obina said me and Sonia looked so cute that he would marry us both. I don't think I like to share though. . .

Since it was snowing, and ya know, baby girl had her hair done up all nice and everything, we ran to meet Trevor in the parking lot. Thanks to the basketball game Trevor was some distance away, and while running in the just-was-rain-now-is-snow in the dark, both Sonia and I managed to splash in a BIG puddle. Smooth.

Jonathan, Stephen, and I made ourselves cozy in the backseat while our chauffer Sonia drove us to IHOP. This is where the 'fun' began. The waiter was really cool, for the time he was there. I guess he decided he needed to leave, which sucks, because I think that's what messed up our orders. We waited forever for the food to come, and when it came, it wasn't right. But hey, that's ok. While we ate, we taught the boys Doo Run Run, and then had a lil' chuuuch up in there. This whole time, I found myself observing Stephen's lack of game. Actually, what his game consisted of was an ill mirror-image of whatever Jonathan did. Jonathan put his arm around me, Stephen put his arm around Sonia. Jonathan whispered to me (no, no sweet nothings in the ear), Stephen whispered to Sonia. Jonathan asked me what I liked to do in my free time, Stephen asked Sonia what she like to do in her free time. You get it. It was kinda sad, because the boy had no game. Really, you don't even have to have game, just have some social skills for crying out loud.

We played "going to the beach" which was fun. We were bringing some weird stuff.

Then we went bowling, which was fun, but my nails always break when I do it. Even through my broken nails, I still managed to beat everybody, which is sad because I'm not much of a bowler. My date wasn't giving me much support, except for when I rolled a strike. Men.

After bowling, we went back to the dorm and chilled. I was attempting to take a nice little nap on Obina's bed when Jonathan threw a pillow at me. How could a date do such a thing? That's ok, I needed a pillow anyway, but when I stuck it under my head, he came over and snatched it from me! How rude. . . Not only that, but I also got the cover snatched from me several times during the night and I was sooo cold. Where was the love?

We left around 2 a.m. to take Stephen home, not knowing he lived WAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY out in the boonies. I swear, this boy lives on the very outskirts of Bloomington, it has to be almost in another town. Crazy.

But, that was our date. It will make for good stories for my children.