Monday, March 27, 2006

Gimme a Reason

Why do I do the things I do?
*shrug* Don't ask me!

Ever since I was little I can remember getting in trouble for answering, "I don't know" to my stepfather's drilling questions. Imagine 7 or 8 year old me with a grown man yelling in my face asking me why I did this or that. Why did I not turn in my homework assignments? I don't know. Why was I talking in class? I don't know. Why didn't I fold the clothes in my drawers? I don't know!

Then I would get, "Everything has a reason, so what' s your reason?" or, "You DO know". But when I would timidly explain WHY I didn't do what I was supposed to, or WHY I did something wrong, I got in trouble! Why didn't I turn in the homework? Cuz I didn't do it. Why didn't I do it? Cuz I didn't feel like it. Oh wait, now I'm talking back. "I don't know" serves me much better thank you.

But really, sometimes I don't know why I do what I do. I just do some things because I want to. And really, does everything need an explanation? I thinketh not. Sometimes it is simply too difficult to examine why you do what you do because the reasons are beyond your scope of knowledge.

Let's bring it home to the real issue at hand, which is my relationship with Friendboy. I have made the decision (again, but for real this time *wink*) to let this 'thing' go. Then someone asks me why I'm in this relationship in the first place. To be honest, no reasons came to mind. Why did I, ELR, get involved with this dude on a 'friendship with benefits' level? Did I desire a friendship with benefits? Not really. Was it because I was merely looking for benefits? Nope, can't say that's it. It was like eating something because it's in front of you. Not because you're hungry or have an appetite, but just becuase it's there. Some people call that greedy, so in that case maybe you could say I'm in this because I'm greedy.

But now I want out. I want to stop eating because it's just not that good, and I don't desire it anymore. The relationship just doesn't suit me, and my needs are not being met. So I need to let it go.

The sad thing is, letting go is difficult especially when I don't have anything dramatic that is swaying me to stay or go. If my needs were being met and I felt fulfilled by being with him, I would definately stay. If we had a fight or he pushed me over the edge, I would definately go. But now. . .it's nothing extreme at all, and sometimes I find myself going back for the same reason that I got in this in the first place. That reason that I don't know.

But this time, I'm comitted to leaving it alone, and I even have reasons why! But why I got in it in the first place, the world may never know.

3 comments:

Ola said...

You know, i think that's very mature of you. I just read that "our reality simply is that wer are sometimes faced with crucial choices that are limited--and that are neither easy nor simple to make." i feel this somewhat relates to your situation.

Do what u gotta do gurl, just do it.

Ummm about that OTHER thing u's about consider getting yourself into *cough* u should prolly blog about that first, lol.

Sonia said...

I wonder how you would react when you go to your child and say, "Why didn't you take a shower this morning before you went out to school?" and your child reply "I don't know."

How my dear Liz, would you handle such a response?

Since you are the "I don't know" kinda person, you just might get an "I don't know" kinda child.

Lyric27 said...

how would i handle such a response?

I don't know. . .