Friday, April 03, 2009

This Is My Life

I have had a mentally and emotionally tiring week. Monday I decided to stop by my ex's apartment to see how he was doing. We hadn't talked in months, and I had definitely taken deliberate measures to ensure that we had no lines of communication. I deleted his phone number and I even took him off my friend list on Facebook, the first time I've ever deleted anyone. But I had been thinking about him, so I went over there. I was a little bit nervous, especially as I drove up to his place and saw that he was indeed home. Would the atmosphere be tense? Would conversation be strained? Would I ruin months of dilligent progress? I really didn't know what to expect.

He opened the door and greeted me with a warm hug. It was a hug I knew so well and being in his arms for that moment was like putting on that old comfy pair of jeans that you know you need to get rid of but you just don't. Stepping into the house, I was flooded with memories of all the time I'd spent there what seemed like just a short while ago. I sat down and we caught up on life for a few moments. He has joined the National Guard and he told me that life was going well for him. I was pleased. There was a moment in which we looked at each other, both of us not knowing what to say, and we just started to laugh. An ounce of it was nervous laughter, but mostly it expressed how strange it felt for us to be around each other again after so long, but here we were. Chatting up kinda like old times. And even after knowing each other so well, a lull in the conversation just feels far too awkward.

Then he told me that he wanted to introduce me to someone. He went into the kitchen and I heard him speak to someone, but it sounded like inaudible mumbling. He came back out with this girl . . . he placed his hand on her shoulder, and with a nervous smile he took a breath and said "Chiliz, this is my fiancee . . . " I didn't even hear her name.

Smile Chiliz, Smile. Don't you dare be anything less than happy. Not right now. Not in front of her. "Woooow, fiancee!?! Oh wow, that is . . . great! Congratulations to the both of you." I kind of meant it. I really can't even imagine any other response I would've had. I asked, and he told me that they've been engaged for 3 months. My how time flies. After congratulating them once more and doing my best to wish them the best for their future together, I left. This time I let myself out and walked to my car alone. The man who once would have opened my car door for me and watched to make sure I drove off safely remained tucked in his cozy home, his hand probably still on her shoulder.

Driving home, at first I was okay. I was checking on my emotional self, "Are you really ok? I mean, for real? Yes, just a little bit sad, but I think I can handle this." No music the whole way home, just me and my thoughts. The closer I got to my house the more difficult it became. Two alligator tears streamed down my cheeks, blazing a path for more to follow, but they only came two at a time. I was still okay.

Until I got home. I stepped in the door, and my mind flashed back to his place and the memory of us departing with a kiss. Realizing that now all of his kisses, love, and affection would only be for her, I broke down. I knew this feeling well. My heart was breaking yet again.

The funny thing about that heartbreak feeling that is so distinct is that it is the type of pain that you know cannot be soothed. You just have to suffer through it, it forces you to feel with every ounce of your being until time lifts the burden.

The next day the weather was rainy, dreary, and gray and I was so grateful that God loved me enough not to mock me with sunshine. But today- today is bright and the sky is blue and though it is chilly, spring is in the air. Spring is the time for new beginnings- just ask the buds on the trees. That old pair of jeans? I lost them and I know for sure that I will never get that same pair back but now . . . now I can pick out a new pair, and get some more things while I'm at it.

I'm ready to pick up my bags and move on to the next destination in life, and the future looks bright my friends!

2 comments:

KaReisha said...

Wow! I mean man, he moves fast. Sounds like he's in a hurry to get married.

But you keep doing what you're doing. Your knight in shining armor will come someday.

Chiliz345 said...

Thanks girl! Yeah, he's moving fast but I guess that's what he needs to do. As for me, I'm just gonna enjoy my single life for as long as I have it.