sitting on the edge of my seat
thinking of what she has to tell me
mind is racing, anticipating
bad news, good news
i wonder whats going on
i wonder whats wrong
nothing is moving fast enough
i gotta do something, but i dont know what

Hey you, what you said was really deep. As a matter of fact, I went over it several times because it was so thought provoking. And I still wonder "what am I to do with you?" in a couple of ways. But I'm gonna just leave that alone.

I really don't feel myself lately. I think its a combination of being sick, not getting enough sleep, not eating enough, and school and work. I asked my friend what she did this weekend and she said "nothing!". Its strange because I found myself getting angry. She did nothing this weekend. All the crap I had to do and she was sitting home chillin and getting drunk. Not that I wanna get drunk, but it sure would be nice to just chill. Like now, I would love to be home sleeping; I'm mad tired and the weather is perfect for sleeping. However, there is always work to be done. I have sooooooooooooooooo much work due in classes, and since I've been slacking off lately, now I have to work double-time.

I can't even think straight. My memory and cognition seem to be so fuzzy these days. I think my brain is repressing memories for the fun of it. Even my vision is getting worse, what is this?? Sometimes I find myself holding my breath, and I don't know why. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, I am so not balanced now. I think I feel disturbed in every realm of my being, but I think at the core is the spirit, so maybe if I get that together everything will fall into place?

HEY
Sonia- you make me smile and cry. I love ya!
Tura- just because we haven't found the way doesn't mean we're lost.
Lauren- Wal-Mart lol what a trip
You- Don't do anything I wouldn't do. . .I know you'll be good ;)
Me- Slap yo'self fool.

Yeeaa, so I was gonna write a bit and tell you about my weekend, then I stumbled upon this blog which took up my precious blogging time. Now I must go to class. Really, this post was only so I could remember the link.

So how about this weather? it SUCKS!

Time Flies

Did you know its been a year since I started blogging?? That's craziness, I hadn't realized it has been a little over a year to date that I had started blogging. This is cool. So I decided to go back and read some of my posts from way back when, and after reading a couple of lines I decided against it. Let the past pass, I'll not bring up anything to perplex and potentially anger my mind. That's another story.

Anyway, this anniversary of sorts of my blog would not be complete without my blog mom, the one who essentially brought life to my blogging experience, who has recently returned and once again is a member of the blogging community. Cheers! to her.

I did Crystal's hair last night. I braided it and put some beads in it. I couldn't have that girl walking around looking like Animal from the Muppet Babies.

So guess what? I found this GREAT and absolutely wonderful college I would love to go to. Its called Knox College www.knox.edu and its in Galesburg. Please click on the link and tell me what you think. Ohh, this college has that feel of being "The One". Its expensive (30,000) and its "highly selective" but we shall see what happens. Should I dare to be hopeful? Yes.

Can you be a part of my life? can you be a part of my life?

Oh it's easy to find someone to play with
and almost anyone will do to fill your idle time.
but that very special someone you can share all your dreams with is so hard to find
And it used to be like me to settle for the physical
but these days it ain't too easy to make up my mind
cause apparently your body just to temporary to take up my precious time

(Bridge)
See I've got to know that
that I can be free with you
and you've got to show that
that you're worthy of my time
can you stimulate my mind?

(Chorus)
And I know that it looks good, but can you be a part of my life
and I'm sure that it feels good but can you be a part of my life
and it probably even tastes good but can you be a part of my life
I've got to know, I've got to know ohhhh. . .

I still appreciate the beauty of a man
but there's much more to what I need now than what meets the eye
and if beauty's only skin deep then your pretty skin won't send me to my highest high
oh it's been a long time come for maturity
and I believe that it's truly what it has to be
cause as much as I admire you
my sexual desire ain't controlling me

(Bridge)
(Chorus)

Once again, India.Arie has captured the true essence of the situation. Can he be a part of my life, cuz if not, then why am I wasting my time? We've had our fun, but now I need something with more substance. "Can you stimulate my mind?" And if he can be a part of my life, then its high time that we do something about this, because right now I feel like this is some Jr. High stuff. lol maybe I should have him check a box YES or NO cuz then I would have a straight answer and not be guessing. *sigh* I'm too old for this.

My good news

Ok Ok, do you want the good news or the bad news first? I'll start with the bad news.

I put in this application for a scholarship to go on a leadership conference through Project Rise. I was so excited, its at this resort in Wisconsin and it lasts 3 days. So, I put in my application, and wrote a really great response to all the questions, I was psyched.
So I was at work, talking to Tiko and she told me that she had gotten her acceptance letter. I called home, and my letter had come too, so I had Symone read it. I could tell she was reading ahead because she kept pausing. . .
"Dear Elizabeth, thank. . .you for submitting. . .your application. . . .to the. ."
"Come on Symone! Read it!"
"Ok, OK! to the MAEOPP leadership conference. . . .ohhhh, Elizabeth. . "
"SYMONE."
"Unfortunately. . ."

That was all I needed to hear. So I didn't get to go on the Leadership conference.

Faye, the director of PR called me into her office yesterday. She asked me if I'd gotten my letter about MAEOPP. I told her yea, and she knew I was upset about not getting selected to go. Then she said

Yea, well we didn't send you to MAEOPP because we're gonna be sending you to Central America.

Yes, they are sending me to Central America this summer and I am so much more than excited. WOW. Details are forthcoming my friends.

I'm feeling much better, Thanks

I was really down this past week, just going through this and that, and then the whole Sonia thing, then the whole mother thing, then the whole Max thing. . . when the sh** hits the fan right? But now I feel much better, I know somebody is praying for me.

I've been thinking lately. Thinking about how when I was younger, I'd say starting 5th or 6th grade, I would pray continually for God to make me someone who others would be able to see His light shine through me. That was the true desire of my heart, I wanted to be a open and willing vessel, for whatever He wanted me to do. I wanted people to look at me and see Him.

Well, they do say be careful what you pray for lol. Part of the reason I was so down and frustrated was because I know that God has made and is still making me into that person. A part of being saved and living holy is being sanctified and set apart. I can't be like everybody else, and that has its moments when it sucks. It is a huge privledge and responsibility to live a Christ-like life, but it seems more like a responsibility. How can I lead anyone to walk the straight and narrow road when I'm drifting? A lot of times people in the church will say "The world has nothing to offer" but as my pastor says, it has plenty to offer, but what is it worth?

So I'm trying to live by the scripture: Romans 12:2 - And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. But its so hard, because I always have to be on my P's and Q's (what does that stand for anyway?). What I do is not only a representation of me, but of my church, of my faith and my God. So if I cuss you out, how does that make God look? If you see me at a party juking away and having a good time, what reflection is that on my church? If you know me to call myself "saved" and you see me wearing skimpy clothes and running around with this boy and that one, what impression does that leave you of salvation?

But sometimes I feel like I wanna be able to make mistakes without being a mis-representation of what is good. Not that I wanna go out there and do bad things, but I don't always want the pressure of continually carrying the name of my Saviour, which I know is a privledge in itself. Its almost like living under a magnifying glass, everybody is always watching what I do and say, even though I may not realize it.

So I feel like I wanna be free.
Romans 6:20 - For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness.
Thats not the free I want.
Romans 6:22 - But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life.

So lets see, free from righteousness, nahh. Free from sin, holiness, everlasting life. Free from sin seems to have some good benefits. So I guess I'd rather be free from sin and be a servant of God. Being that servant, I know I have my duty to live this life and let His light shine thru me. Its worth that everlasting life.

Was it stupidity?
i'm not really sure what it was, but i knew it would eventually happen, it was only a matter of time. i set myself up for it. i thought i could handle it, and now what? and what do i do now? how do i respond? what if it proves to be detrimental? this could change my life, in fact it already has in a way. agh, i am sooo stupid. what was going through my head? what the heck was i thinking? maybe she was right. maybe he was right. but what about me? obviously i was sooo wrong. i dont like this.

The ocean is essentially a huge toilet bowl.-My Earth Science teacher

Tura- where is your blog?

I love this song. . .

The ways of this world are grabbing a hold Won't let me go, won't let me fly by
It takes it's toll down on my soul cuz I know what I need in my life
Dont let me lose my sight of you, dont let me lose my sight.
I dont wanna fall away from you... Gravity is pulling me on down...
I dont wanna fall away from you... Gravity is pulling me to the ground...

This world keeps making me cry but im gonna try gonna try to fly gotta fly high.
But dont want to give into the sin..wanna stay on you till the end.
Dont wanna lose my sight of you, dont wanna lose my sight.
I dont wanna fall away from you... Gravity is pulling me on down...
I dont wanna fall away from you... Gravity is pulling me to the ground...

I want to fly.... into the sky.
Turn my back on this old world and leave it all behind.
This place is not my home, has got nothing for me.
Only leaves me with emptiness and tears in my eyes.
I dont wanna fall away from you... Gravity is pulling me on down...
I dont wanna fall away from you... Gravity is pulling me to the ground...

I wrote a poem today on my blog, but when I tried to publish, the computer did something weird and now its gone forever.

Lets have a moment of silence for the poem.

In other news, life is very rough.

Have a nice weekend.

Today was one of my long days. My first class is at 9:30 and my second doesn't start until 5. So I stay on campus alllllllll this time, doing a little of this and that. I'm hungry for some real food and it seems that I frequent vending machines way too often these days.

All in all though, life seems to be going pretty well. I'm working alot, which makes me tired alot, but it's all good. As long as work doesn't interfere with my education. This week I'm working about 35 hours. Que Locura. But it seems like I don't get too much homework, so that's good.

I need some more pens.

Tonight my spanish teacher mentioned something about reality and it got me thinking. Is reality relative? I think it is because everyone sees the world in different ways. Now, reality is supposed to be how things really are, but I think that even changes with how you view something is. Take colors for example. I can say that this color is Blue but you might just say it's Purple. In reality who is right? Am I making sense or am I losing you? Because it makes sense the way I want to say it but. . .

For example, last night me, Sonia, and Jeffrey were at Steak-n-Shake (Que Locura) eating and talking and what not. Jeffrey was telling us how families are 'supposed to be' with the mother cooking and taking care of the kids and the father being the authority figure and breadwinner. Okay, some might consider this the ideal picture of the family situation, but we all know most families are not this way. In my home, both of my parents worked and pretty much shared household tasks i.e. laundry, dishes, cooking etc. But Jeffrey says that if the husband is cooking more than, lets say, once a week then he loses some of his authority. In Jeffrey's home his father worked, his mother did the domestic thing.

Now, I say that he thinks the way he does because that is the way he grew up. But, that family structure, no matter how "ideal" it might be, simply is not going to work for everybody. I think that way because of the way I grew up. Reality is an interesting concept, think on that one. I would go deeper, but I haven't the time.

I have to write a paper for my music appreciation class. I love music. I appreciate music. This class is my most difficult. The teacher is so. . .different. He is always telling us to listen to how the music "speaks to us" and all the asthetics of it and all this and that. I can get down with that to a certain extent, but I really don't "speak music". Therefore I don't know how to express how the music makes me feel sad, hopeful, or whatever. I don't know that the song is in minor key and that's why it makes me feel sad, I just know that it makes me feel sad. It's quite a challenge. Explaining music is truly like speaking a different language. I once heard a man say that languages are not different words for the same things, they are different words for completely different things. For example, in Spanish we say me gusta but in English we say I like . The former doesn't literally mean I like, it means it is pleasing to me, but it is translated into "I like" in English. . . nevermind.

I'm using a new lotion and it makes my skin soooooo soft, I love it.

I'm really only blogging because I don't want to write this paper.

You know what? I tried so hard today to get picures up on the blog, and I got soooooooo mad because I could not figure it out for the life of me! So that is my new blog mission. This blogging has helped me teach myself so many new things, its just wonderful.

I guess I have to write my paper now. goodbye. goodnight. adios. au revoir (that was for you sir *wink*). jusqu'à la fois prochaine. . .

I wrote this in response to this article, which was in response to "What is being Ghetto?"

She said:
Being poor and having to dress like a poor person, not like a superstar rapper with bling-bling like most people seem to think. I grew up in a neighborhood that was very poor. In fact, that whole side of town was like that. And no one dressed like that. People wore what they could afford. It makes me really mad when people dress in expensive, popular clothes and claim they are ghetto. They don't know anything about what it's really like. If they did, they wouldn't want to be that way because trust me, being ghetto is NO FUN!

I said:
Okay, allow me to explain. When you speak of the term "Ghetto" you speak of many things. Today's common use of the word "ghetto", especially a person being ghetto usually means something along the lines of urban and black. Ghetto is a lifestyle for a lot of black people living in the inner city. When I was growing up in my "ghetto" neighborhood, most of us didn't have a lot of money. I went to school with Payless gym shoes, some of my friends had the latest Jordans. Does that make me more ghetto? Could they possibly be more ghetto than me if they were wearing their $70 dollar jerseys? or the girls with the Gucci and Lois Vuitton purses and big gold earrings, who was more ghetto? One theme of being 'ghetto' that one has to understand is that name brands=stautus, and in the ghetto status means alot, as it does anywhere else. So, how do you increase your status (even if you are poor)? By buying expensive clothing, that way you can show everyone "Look what I have" a prime example of this attitude can be seen in the lyrics of Big Tymer's "Still Fly":

Gator Boots, with the pimped out Gucci suit
Ain't got no job, but I stay sharp
Can't pay my rent, cause all my money's spent
but thats ok, cause im still fly
got a quarter tank gas in my new E-class
But that's alright cause i'm gon' ride
got everything in my mama's name
but im hood rich da dada dada da. . .

I had the most odd dream last night. Odd and strange and kinda twisted. I think it kinda confirmed some things I had been thinking about, but its waaay too deep.

Last night at Bible studyI think something else was confirmed to me. The Lord is going to have to give me soooooo much patience and endurance to do what i have to do. I don't wanna ask "Why Lord?" but thats the main question that comes to my mind. Why Lord? How Lord? Help me Lord. . .

Yesterday was lots of fun. One reason it was really fun was because I looked cute. Now, don't think I'm being conceited to say that, but it was nice to get compliments. Women love that. Then, I was in Hearland's first talk show. It was cool, everything went great with that. You know I love the whole public speaking thing, so I was tearin' it up! Then, what else?. . .I saw Kabah, talked with him for a while. He's looking really good these days. I talked with him and David, a guy from my Sociology of Marriage and Family class for a bit. During the convo, it seems like I knew every other person who walked by so I kept stopping the convo with "hi" and waves and nods. David was like "Man, do you know everybody???" He even stopped one guy who was walking by and said "Hey man, are you gonna talk to her too? Everybody else has. ." I told him its just my charming personality. Lol

I'm in a poetry mood right now, lets see what I can do.


Fishbowl
Standing on the inside looking out
In a place of solitude, seeing what their life is all about
Watching them move and speak and eat
Knowing from actions how they think

Nah.

Today is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the weather is nice and warm. I went to a friend's house today for lunch and woooooo maaaannn she can cook. Actually, I think her 11 year old daughter cooked most of it. I had chicken and dumplings, dressing, corn, cranberry sauce, fried chicken, cabbage and peach cobbler for dessert. Needless to say I'm suffering from The Itis right about now. I need to find a nap.

Even if I wasn't full I'd still be exhausted. Me and Sonia stayed up all night studying. We went to eat at IHOP afterwards, it was crazy. We were both so tired and making no sense. I think I was the worst though.
1-I got mad at the menu because the pictures of the food were on separate pages than the description. If the picture of the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity is on page 2, why is the description on page 1?? AAANNNNDDD, news flash, IHOP has 2 of the exact same meals with different names. No Joke.
2-I was trying to say "whip cream" but then I was thinking "cream whip" and ended up saying "weam crip". That was pretty funny.
3-I was justifying peeing on myself in 5th grade by telling Sonia that I was only 9, therefore I didn't have a 1 in front of my age. Why was I 9 in 5th grade? According to me, I was "Young for my age". Hm.
4-Some other things happened, I don't remember but it was a good time. The waitress loved us.

Now I am off to go find my nap, and I know exactly where it is. It's in a nice queen sized bed with a gold and cream colored bedset. Nice fluffy pillows, warm comforter. . . . ahhh yessss

I dont get people.

I don't get the guy who was first feeling my best friend, then was feeling me, then was feeling this other girl who he started a relationship with. They broke up once because of some he say-she say, and are now breaking up again for some strange reason. I don't get why he puts himself through this and why he feels like he has to have someone. I don't get why he's breaking up with her if he loves her so much (which he said he does). He continually says "I'm dreading breaking up with her, I love her so much, I could see her as my wife, etc." It makes no sense. I don't get it.

I don't get the girl who manipulates people's feelings. I don't get how she ebbs and flows from normalcy to almost mental instability. I don't get why she is stringing this guy along, "I love you/Let's just be friends/I love you" Can we maintain some regularity here? I don't get the guy who keeps falling back in the trap everytime she is in one of her "I love you" modes. He is so gullible and tangled in her sticky web. I don't get it.

I don't get why SEX seems to be on men's minds so often. Can we just have a decent conversation? Really now.

I don't get why my mother acts like I'm so rebellious. Have I ever come stumbling home drunk? Have I ever come waddling home pregnant? Have I ever not come home without her knowing where I am? NO. What is my rebellion? Not doing the dishes. Give me a break.

I woke up abruptly this morning at 6:52. I must leave the house at 7:00.

I got ready really fast.

I think I'm still asleep, it seems the dreams are still with me.

Now I'm off to class, perhaps to dream some more. I wonder if the guy next to me takes good notes. . .

You asked if I loved you,
And because I knew you were not asking whether or not I loved you,
but whether or not I was in love with you, I said no.

You asked again.
Because I knew I held some form of love for you,
I said yes.

So yes, I love you, and this is why I stay away.
Because I cannot give to you the love you desire,
You cannot give to me the love I need.

The love I give you, indeed is true.
Though I am not in love, but because I love you, I want to please you
I want you to be satisfied with my offering, I am willing to try and make it my best

The love you give me, I seek,
but these momentary moments will not satisfy the soul
Your love leaves me confused, wondering, wandering.

So what is this, our love?
To speak of love is to speak of many things, but of what do we speak?
Lover, what do you think?

I'm sitting at school right now, I should be working on either my spanish homework that is due in an hour, or my music appreciation paper(s) due tomorrow. I'll get around to it. This is a bit of a busy week coming up, but pleasantly busy, not mad busy.

MY FIVE: Five people I miss. . .

Julius- I haven't talked to him in a looooong time and I hope everything is well with him. I miss our discussions and thinking sessions.

Anjelica- My homegirl from back in the day. I know she's back at school now, I wonder what classes she's taking.

Angela- We didn't get to spend any time together this summer, that sucks! I wonder what's new with her.

Grandma Bonnie- She moved and hasn't sent her new number yet. I want to talk to her...

Max- It's been almost a month since we last saw each other or even spoke. I told him I was a busy person, so can he really be mad?

Yo

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