Lyrics of Life

Sometimes a song is so good just because you can really relate to it, or you know someone that it describes.

This one reminds me of T-Bizzy
She has no idea what she's doing in college
That major that she majored in don't make no money
But she won't drop out, her parents will look at her funny
Now, tell me that ain't insecure
The concept of school seems so secure
Sophmore three years aint picked a carreer. . .
(Kanye West)

These remind me of me
But as a shorty i looked up to the dopeman
Only adult man i knew that wasnt a broke man. . .
(Kanye West)

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me. . .
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

Thinking the faster that I go
The faster that I will reach my goal
The race is not given to the swift
But to the one who endureth. . .
Slow it down baby
you're goin' too fast
(India.arie)

This one reminds me of S-money
I've run out of answers
I've run out of time
And im so confused that im loosin my mind
Its gonna take a miracle to help me this time
I'm traveling a road that has not one sign. . .
Oooh sometimes its hard to face the truth so we run. . .
I need an angel
Im calling an angel,
send me an angel (Send it on down)
(Ruben Studdard)

Questions
. . .Can I pinch your cheeks? -Dante
Now what kinda question is that? Do you seriously think thats an ok question to ask? Who asks that?
First of all NO.
NO because I'm not 5 years old
NO because I don't know where your hands have been.
Second of all, thanks for asking first, but. . .NO.

What is wrong with my head?
I've been having this headache for THREE WEEKS NOW!!!! It won't go away :-( I'm tired of it. And it's not like a regular headache. It's like a forehead ache. It feels like I've been holding my head in one scrunched up position and its tensing and cramping up. Maybe I get cramps in my head instead of my stomach? I don't know, but it's not cool and it's not going away, and its making me miserable.

What is really wrong with my head?
I'm not superwoman. I don't think I can actually take 18 hours AND work 3 jobs AND do church activities AND stay sane. Maybe I'll end up in the nuthouse, or maybe just on drugs. But, before it gets to that, something's gonna have to give. I don't want it to be my sanity.

Where is it?
I lost my strawberry ChapStick and I'm too mad. I'm really hoping I don't find it in. .oh say, the WASHER or God forbid, the DRYER. That would not be good. I love that stuff. I love to keep it in my pants pocket so that when I put it on its warm from my body heat and it glides on nice and smooth. And the fragrance is so nice. . . where is it?
I also lost 2 of my favorite pairs of underwear. How does one loose underwear? Beats me, but I want them back.
Who knows where my class ring is. I gave up on that one.
And what about all my freakin socks? Now, I've always been so very particular about my socks, but lately I've really let myself go. I've started wearing 2 totally different socks, as long as they're the same color. Who cares if one's an ankle sock that keeps falling in my gym shoe and the other is a knee high stocking? I just don't anymore. I'm not even ashamed to admit that I've been grossly going sock-less a few times, and even worse, last week I wore the same pair of socks for like, 3 days. In a row. Feel free to get me some socks.
And I know I had some more belts.
And I coulda SWORE I had more church clothes. Something is up. . .
********I might as well go au naturel as far as clothing goes. Wait, no. Bad idea.
Where is my cousin Jerome???
Where is my acceptance letter from Knox?. . . .
Where the heck is my PIN from FAFSA? come on people, march 1 is coming up soon!

Thank you for being so attentive to my issues.
I love you! *HUG*

*pulls self together*

I tried to pop some popcorn after my music appreciation class today. I took the stuff out after only 2.5 minutes, and somehow it was miraculously burned. Now I REEK of burnt popcorn, and i'm so embarrased. I need to go stand outside.

Other people's blogs just aren't as good as your own. This is the conclusion I have come to. Maybe it's because I'm a person who can be highly critical, maybe I'm just right, but I'm truly convinced that other people's blogs aren't as good as your own.

Your blog is personal. You know what you meant to say when you said what you said but didn't really say what you meant to say *breath*. You know how you really felt when you blogged about whatever situation, and your readers only know how you told them you felt.

Your blog is your story. When you read it, you remember those good times/bad times and it takes you back. Memories are always a good thing, and your blog holds your memories.

Your blog is read by your friends. You can have personal jokes to no end that noone else will understand but you and that blog-reading friend you share that joke with. There's nothing like that. Outsiders can read it, and it won't make sense, and your blog may even be labeled by them as 'crap' (as I have labeled some blogs), but if it's crap, it's your crap, and nobody's crap is like your own.

That said, I love my blog.

So, for those of you who care (which includes those blog-reading friends), Max and I finally had a talk and (tried to) put everything out on the table about our 'situation'. I don't know if we accomplished much, but I sure do feel a LOT better. Now I can breathe. (okay, yea I was breathing before but you know what I mean)

Photography class is going pretty well, do you want me to take your picture? Cuz I would love to! Just don't get too 'posey' on me (and you know who I'm talking to). I want something natural. I want something genuine, not a senior picture. sheesh

Congrats to:

Tura, for moving out. Need anything? just ask me! And know that I am proud of you.
Randy, for getting a blog. Welcome to our blogging community, I hope you enjoy the experience.

Tis all people. Till next week?

T-bizzy, S-money, and I took a picture with a VAGINA!!!! hah. 

Because You Don't Understand

I wish
that i could open this box
and you could peer in
and every pain i feel as a result of you
would swarm your head
and get in your eyes and ears
and blind you
and attack you
and make you feel
like i do.
I wish
that you were on this side of the fence
and you could see how crazy you look
and hear how irrational you sound
and feel what about it makes me cry
and that it was you who
could not explain it either.
I wish that you understood.
I wish
that i could give you a magnifying glass
the size of the earth
so you could see the scope of this problem in my life
then maybe you,
with all the answers
and all the justifications
could tell me what to say
could tell me what i should've done
could tell me how to explain it to you
I wish
that i could cuss you out
and feel better
I wish
that your eyes could be opened
to this, the sun of my problems
and I wish
that I could steal your precious sunglasses
and I wish that you were exposed,
bound and naked to that sun
and that you would feel the heat
and that your eyes would squint
and that your skin would begin to scorch
and your poor eyes would burn, and sting
and tear.
but wishes get me nowhere.

Oooooh, guuurl, your friend is so cute!

If I hear that one mo' time. . .
See, that's exactly why you don't introduce some friends to other friends. The first friend, Kabah. The other friends, every female friend I have. Now, what in your right mind makes you think I want you talking to me about how cute my friend is? Don't you think I know he's cute? Don't you think I think he's cute? That's why he is MY friend, not yours! No, I'm not gonna give you his number, and NO I don't want you callin him to see if ya'll can hang out sometime. I don't even wanna hang out with you and him, all 3 of us. Leave him alone. Don't be askin if he' s over 18 so you know he's legal. And no, he's not your type. He likes females with a full set of healthy teeth. And you only like guys that you can look up under the Illinois Department of Corrections, and my dear he does not have a record. He is kind and deep and writes excellent poetry. He enjoys someone he can have a nice intellectual conversation with. You are not his type.

That's all I have to say about that.

Promised Land Tea

I likes my tea with milk and honey
now, come here baby, wontchu fix some for me?
cuz I'm tired, all day I been standin' on my feet
put that milk in my tea to soothe me to sleep.

6 o'clock in the morning
come on baby, fix me some tea
I got a long day's work ahead, and a short night's sleep
put some honey in there to make my day sweet.

Yes, I like my tea with milk and honey
how many times you gon' ask me??
Fix it up right, now. Don't mess up my tea
Lets both sit down and have a cup, and you can tell me your stories

I'll nod my head and smile, but chile' I won't be listening
I'll be too caught up in the taste and smell of my honey milk tea
See, it reminds me of the promised land-you know, land of milk and honey?
And the little piece of peace this tea brings makes it just right for me.

I must be (going) crazy

Thursdays are very long days for me here at school. I'm here from 9:30 a.m. till 9 p.m. Not cool at all. Besides that, I have my guitar class on Thursdays, so that means I have to bring my guitar and carry it around all day with me. So today, I woke up on time, but who knows what happened to make me rush out of the house, but I almost missed my bus. I was figuring I wanted to look cute today (WHYYY????) so I decided to wear my boots with the nice 3 inch heel. That was fine until I left the house.

I found myself juggling the guitar on my back, backpack full and heavy with camera and props half swinging off of one shoulder, lugging my purse, eating an egg sandwich and running for the bus in the still half-way icy street in heels.

I must be (going) crazy.

My friend let me borrow her camera for my photography class. When she gave it to me, I made sure to have her tell me where this feature and that feature was. Then, when I got home, I was about to turn it on and see how it worked. Until I realized that I didn't know how to turn it on. I sat with that camera for at least half an hour trying to figure out how to turn the dang thing on, I think I almost broke it too, but to no avail. Then I'm thinking, maybe it doesn't turn on?

I get to class, teacher shows me how to properly load the film. She tries to turn it on. She can't figure it out either. "Maybe the battery's dead" she says, but even if so, wouldn't there still be a way to turn t on? So, she tells me to watch what the boy next to me does, as if watching him take pictures of his props is going to help me learn something. I have lugged my props to school for NOTHING. Then, toward the end of our "photo shoot" session, she takes another look at the camera. "Oh, here it is! This is how you turn it on. . ."

Are you kidding me? I just sat here for HALF AN HOUR watching this boy take pictures, sitting in my seat like Boo Boo the Fool with nothing to do, and the whole time I coulda been taking pictures? Tell me this isn't real.

I must be (going) crazy.

My statistics teacher is not right. The man comes to class the first day, I'm noticing his pants are a little short. Like, the hem is at least an inch above his ankles. No. Then I'm thinking, well, he is a little tall. . . you know, trying to justify it. Then I notice his pants are pulled halfway up his stomach. Okaaay. . . Why did my eyes travel down that extra few inches? After that, my attention for stats was no good, all I could see was the rise of his pants WAAAAY up in his crotch. If he was female, dude woulda straight up had a camel toe. And nobody, NOBODY shoulda seen what I saw. The man's pants were up sooo high that his stuff was bulging on the side of his leg. THAT IS LIKE, SO NASTY. How can I focus on math when I'm in shock that this man is seriously dressed this way, and isn't that a little uncomfortable?. . . Did he not feel his stuff being all smashed up and compressed? Was his member not uncomfortable being exploited in front of a class of 20-somethings? That's all I could think about that whole class, and I just had to pray that the rest of the semester would go smoothly (and a little more loosely for him)

I must be (going) crazy.

Grindin'

It's the first day of school, and I'm actually kinda glad to be back in the grind. Break was nice, I got plenty of rest and relaxation. Now, it's time to get with it and hit these books. And I'm ready.
I'm taking:
Photography 1
Interpersonal Communications
Composition 2 *praying*
Cultural Tour (Germany!!)
Statistics
Basic Guitar
Music Appreciation
So, don't ask me what I'm taking cuz I can never remember them all.

By the way, I'm a little upset that I just got treated by BruthaCode and he doesn't even know me.
". . .*this also applies to people who think it's cute to take out your cornrows and wear that shit out in a wild ass afro... lookin like one of those trolls at the end of your pencil!!*"

whateva dude. . .lol

2004

Looking at the calendar today, I can't belive Christmas is just next week. I'm not even done shopping!! Anyway, everyone knows that after thanksgiving the rest of the year just flies by, and it has definately flown. I am forced to think back on the year, but it's always hard to remember what happened in the beginning months. What can I remember?

Starting to find my father's side of the family
Meeting Max
Meeting Kabah (can you belive it was this year?)
Meeting Obina (Jeffrey)
TYJ died
Donna and Kitty "left"
Emily got her own apartment
Meeting Julius
Becoming leader of the Praise Dancers
Tura and Sonia went to Guyana for spring Break
Sonia moved out
Sonia got Trevor
Sonia's mommy passed :-(
I got to know SO MANY of my beautiful African people :-D
KEITH!!
I finally quit Claire's
Started TJ Maxx, S&K, and peer mentoring
Took a class with KaReisha
Went on a date with AJ
Went on a double date
Got my hair chopped off

Wow, so this year has been pretty much uneventful.

Sometimes I feel

Sometimes I feel like I have noone to talk to. Well, really, noone to listen because I can talk until my face is blue, but that doesn't mean anyone will listen to me. . .

But you know what? This is MY BLOG and i can talk alllll i want to!

SCHOOL
I have a problem with school. I love learning, but since third grade or so, school hasn't really been my forte. I hate the homework, I hate the busy work, maybe my problem is that I just hate the work. I hate the structure. I hate having to take classes that pertain to things I'm not interested in and that will affect whether I graduate on time and that affect my GPA, and are not even a part of my major. They claim it's to make students more 'well rounded' but I disagree. I think there must be better ways. But it doesn't matter. School is one of those things you have to do, and with society today, choosing higher education is a social norm of sorts. It doesn't even matter how much or little you know, but what does matter is your status as a degree holder. Even if I don't know JACK but still have a degree behind my name, I could get a decent job. And those who are so smart and educated because of interest, not because of force of going to school, but don't have a degree are going NOWHERE. Sad isn't it? But nobody seems to care, because the world will keep moving with or without you. It will move with or without me, so what is my rush? by the time I get "there", "there" will be in a whole different place, and I will forever be chasing.

BODY
Hey body, what's wrong with you? You haven't been acting right for the past few years, and I'm getting tired of your games. All I want you to do is function and feel good, can't you do that for me? We're in this thing together!!! There is no you without me, so I suggest you straighten up before I fire you. But do realize, there is no me without you! I'm begging you here. You keep hurting me. Whyy. Haven't I loved you? Maybe not always but I always fed and watered you. Is this the treatment I get? I'm trying to take better care of you, take you out for walks every now and then, and make sure you get some balanced meals, but it's hard Body. It's so hard sometimes. Forgive me if sometimes I don't have time to feed you. Forgive me if I forget to water you. PLEASE forgive me if I neglect to take you out for play and excercise once in a while, but I need you to stay strong for me. (and slim down a little) We can't go on this way. If I do my best to do my part, please reciprocate the favor. Do this for US.

LOVE
Everyone always told me you suck.
I'm not sure if it's true, but I always tried to be the optimist and defend your honor, but I'm wondering if I should belive the hype. I think the problem is that nobody gets you. You are SO misunderstood, and that must be hard, but maybe if you were a little more consistent. . . I don't even know what you are. Perhaps you are a serial killer, making hearts break and crushing millions who vow to never come to you again. But sometimes you can be so nice. AHA! I've got it! You are a trap. We, unsuspecting humans are the mice, and you Love, are both the yummy cheese and the snapping trap. How can you be so cruel? Does it bring you pleasure to see so many in pain? Is that where you get off? If so, then Love, you are SICK and I ABHOR you. If not, then please help me clarify what the heck you are. Since the beginning of time your mystery has been held, and I promise, if you help me understand you, I will help the world understand you, and you will be seen in a much more positive light. Deal?

Thank you for listening.

Have you ever felt like you wanna just be physically hurt for being stupid? I think this comes from my youth, and being expected to be beat when I did something bad, i.e. bringing home bad grades.

Lemme tell ya, this semester was not so hot. Fall semesters always get me, I think it has to do with the time change and days getting shorter, seriously. Spring semesters are the best. So now, my grades are gonna pretty much suck, and I feel so bad that I just wanna be hurt.

I want somebody to hit me. For being stupid, for wasting my time and procrastinating, for not working harder.

Give me "something to cry about".

I deserve it.

Cri'mma Shoppin'

I've been getting some Christmas shopping out of the way, but not nearly enough. I haven't made lists of what I'm gonna get everybody yet, and that means I'm likely to forget somebody. And that's sad.

Stank you smelly much
I was sitting with my friend earlier, and a friend of his (Lee) was at the table. He left to go to class, so it was just me and Lee at the table. Why?
After a few moments of silence. . .

"Sooo, I'm supposed to be going to the podiatrist."
". . .Oh yea?"
"Yeah, see I have this callous on my foot that hurts like an S.O.B. everytime I try to walk!"
"Oh. I'm sorry"
He then proceeded to tell me about how the pain is bearable when he's wearing his shoes, but he walks around the house barefoot, and it really hurts on tile floors, and he hopes they burn it off.
Thanks dude. Thanks for letting me know.

So, I think I'm gonna fail my music appreciation class. isn't that sad? it's not even a hard class! i'm so mad about this, because it's gonna affect everything for next semester, and also for my *hopefully* entering Knox in the fall. Woe is me. Oh yes, woe is she.

Reflection

I remember back in the day, when I was all of maybe 5 or 6, we used to sing this song in the children's choir.

"I might as well think big/ Why should anyone think small?/ I might as well think big/ If I'm gonna think. . .at all"

I also remember conversations with my mother of a similar realm.

"What should I be when I grow up?"
"You can be anything you wanna be."
"But what if I wanna be an. . .astronaut?"
"Then you can be an astronaut."
"Well, what if I wanna be a. . .pizza?!"
"If you wanna be a pizza, then you can be a pizza."
"Maaamaaa, how can I grow up to be a pizza???"
"If that's what you want to be when you grow up, then you'll make a way. Put your mind to it and you can do it."

This is the theory I have been raised on, and I still hold it true today. But it seems somewhere along the line, something has infected my view of being able to do anything I want. Even being a pizza. It seems like as much as I try, and as hard as I'm trying, something isn't working right in my life. School-wise, financially, spiritually, personally, socially, I must be doing something wrong.

Elizabeth, your expectations are too high.

This is the message I'm getting from everywhere I turn! I'm at a point where East meets West in the manner that everything I've known-being able to achieve anything I set my mind to- is being met with the idea that I have set my goals and expectations too high. The combination finds me in a strange place, in a middle state of uncertainty, and I'm not sure what to do with it.

But I do know it's making me cry, because I'm confused.
It's making me feel lost because it seems that I'm not going in the direction of the steps I'm taking.
=(

Tell the Tale

I am here to tell you the tale of a double date. First, lets review the grades.
(my date) Jonathan-D/F+
(Sonia's date) Stephen-(muahahahahaaaa!!!)-C, but an A for effort.
Sonia-B+
Me-A++(what?)

First, me and Sonia got to Jonathan's dorm and waited for Stephen to arrive. Meanwhile we played in Obina's hair which was fun. He liked it. Stephen got there, and we all sat around and chatted for a while until it was time to leave. Sonia and I were ordered to leave the room momentarily while Jonathan "got naked". *wink sonia* After that, we spent a little time deliberating on where to eat, finally settling on IHOP.

Obina said me and Sonia looked so cute that he would marry us both. I don't think I like to share though. . .

Since it was snowing, and ya know, baby girl had her hair done up all nice and everything, we ran to meet Trevor in the parking lot. Thanks to the basketball game Trevor was some distance away, and while running in the just-was-rain-now-is-snow in the dark, both Sonia and I managed to splash in a BIG puddle. Smooth.

Jonathan, Stephen, and I made ourselves cozy in the backseat while our chauffer Sonia drove us to IHOP. This is where the 'fun' began. The waiter was really cool, for the time he was there. I guess he decided he needed to leave, which sucks, because I think that's what messed up our orders. We waited forever for the food to come, and when it came, it wasn't right. But hey, that's ok. While we ate, we taught the boys Doo Run Run, and then had a lil' chuuuch up in there. This whole time, I found myself observing Stephen's lack of game. Actually, what his game consisted of was an ill mirror-image of whatever Jonathan did. Jonathan put his arm around me, Stephen put his arm around Sonia. Jonathan whispered to me (no, no sweet nothings in the ear), Stephen whispered to Sonia. Jonathan asked me what I liked to do in my free time, Stephen asked Sonia what she like to do in her free time. You get it. It was kinda sad, because the boy had no game. Really, you don't even have to have game, just have some social skills for crying out loud.

We played "going to the beach" which was fun. We were bringing some weird stuff.

Then we went bowling, which was fun, but my nails always break when I do it. Even through my broken nails, I still managed to beat everybody, which is sad because I'm not much of a bowler. My date wasn't giving me much support, except for when I rolled a strike. Men.

After bowling, we went back to the dorm and chilled. I was attempting to take a nice little nap on Obina's bed when Jonathan threw a pillow at me. How could a date do such a thing? That's ok, I needed a pillow anyway, but when I stuck it under my head, he came over and snatched it from me! How rude. . . Not only that, but I also got the cover snatched from me several times during the night and I was sooo cold. Where was the love?

We left around 2 a.m. to take Stephen home, not knowing he lived WAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY out in the boonies. I swear, this boy lives on the very outskirts of Bloomington, it has to be almost in another town. Crazy.

But, that was our date. It will make for good stories for my children.

Hott Double Date

Tonight Sonia and I have a hot date with 2 of the finest young men in Bloomington/Normal. Ok, maybe 2 of the finest young men who work at Wal*Mart. . .well maybe just 2 young men.

Originally Tura was supposed to go, but alas, I guess it wasn't meant to be. We should do a triple, so Tura and Jeffrey could come too. That would be fun and crazy at the same time.

I have been instructed to look cute, now should I take this as an insult? Is that supposed to mean that I would come not looking cute, or that I don't look cute on a daily basis? Am I not cute in my jeans and hoodie? Do you not like my T-shirts and gym shoes? What is this madness???

So here I am, doing my best to look cute. I have my hair 'did'. (. . .I know that ain't your ponytail, because your 'bang's too short!') I put on a touch of makeup and although I'm still wearing jeans, they're nice ones and I have a cute shirt on. Do you think I'll be cute enough?

Really, can I get any cuter? lol, just kidding

Now I must leave to study for and take my spanish test that I've know about for a whole week and still didn't study for in advance. Que horrible! I missed my first class this morning because I was tooooo tired to get up. Why was I tired? Because I had to look cute today, which meant doing my hair, which meant I needed to wash it, and that should say everything. What a nightmare.

Let me tell you something. . .
I like my approach and I think it's original and unique. Who wants to do the same old thing that everybody else is doing? not me. So, thank you, but i don't really care if you don't like it. hm.

Hey, Elizabeth, what's wrong?

My back hurts, and my stomach is upset. Why?

It's snowing outside.

My blog picture is gone! I'm gonna find yet another template and pimp it out. yeah

I have to go to class.

I need to get my Knox application in, but I don't know what else to say on my essay.

I really don't wanna go to class.

Tear
In the still of the night
Lying in your arms, being held tight
As you fell fast asleep,
Lover, I began to weep.

Your chest rose and fell
As I thought of all I wanted to tell
Of my insecurities, hopes and fears
But all that did escape was a tear

The first tear ran down my cheek
and fell to your skin
The tear dedicated to my greatest sin

(perhaps i shall finish this later. perhaps it shall go unfinished. . .)

That was soooo freakin weird

I'm in the computer lab (I've been here allll day) workin on some last minute stuff the day before break. I'm sitting here, working, working, working (I should always work this hard) and the girl next to me has been here for a while too. She's a pretty-ish girl, and she has that dyed black hair, and I don't care what I'm wearing look. She seemed nice, till she freaked me OUT !!!

She sneezed, so I said "Bless you". She didn't say thank you or anything, which didn't bother me at all. The she sneezed again, I said "bless you" again and she whipped her head in my direction, and gave me this blank, icy look. She said "Don't bless me, it burns. . ."
I'm sitting there, looking at her with this big dumbfounded look because all I wanna do is pray and call on my sweet Jesus to come get me, and see about this girl.

Honestly, she scared me. She scared the bajeezus out of me, and I kinda wanted to run. I didn't know if her head would start spinning around, Exorcist style, or if some demons would come out of her and start runnin up on me, or what. But, I was scared. I'm still kinda scared, and she is still next to me, and I haven't looked at her since.

See, this is why you gotta leave the house prayed up, cuz these people are crazy out here.

Symone's big happy self, last Christmas I think. (Note the Spongebob in her hand. scary)